<p>She just told me not to come this weekend. We feel like I perhaps gave her some “education” last weekend. As she wants to “grow up”, rebel against me, and found a boyfriend. She maybe discuss my actions with the boy ( I saw he ask on text), they feel they should have their time? sigh. It is not something I am afraid of losing her. I am afraid she will get hurt and have depression. She involved some clubs in the past, but not this quarter any more. Big Sigh. </p>
<p>How are you seeing all these texts? </p>
<p>As someone who is very close to her age, I too would close off my parents if they were spying on my texts. It is probably signaling to her that you do not trust her and that is making her pull away. </p>
<p>@xxParentxx, I think you may have to step back. She’ll be ok, really, and if she isn’t, you’ll know soon enough to get her help. We all learn from our experiences and our mistakes.</p>
<p>I am thinking to just ask her go out on Friday night and go back after lunch on Saturday. </p>
<p>Yuo really, really, need to step back. You say she’s smart. She’s grown up in the US and has been away at college for 3 years. As simple and naive and pure as you think she is, she has already been exposed to living away from home and with other young people for some time now. Unless she is somehow mentally challenged, which you say she is not, she has likely learned how to act with both young men and women her own age.</p>
<p>You haven’t said yet how you’re reading all of her texts-I’m assuming some kind of parental controls that allow you this-just STOP. Stop making appointments for her, stop telling her what you think she thinks that the boy thinks. Tell her you will be there if she needs to talk, that you are sorry for invading her privacy and that you trust her.</p>
<p>If having sex with someone before marriage is against your culture or religion, she knows this. She knows how you feel and is thus declining to discuss it with you. You are certainly free to tell her you don’t approve, but she is legally allowed to do so and you need to stop interfering. </p>
<p>Give a break this weekend and change the spy settings on her phone provider. Then talk to her more in general making sure she knows that she can always come to you-even if you disapprove, that you will be there for her. Good luck.</p>
<p>If you have an iPhone and everyone in the family uses the same iTunes account (easy to do if you are using one credit card for the account), then everyone can see everyone’s texts. That’s the default setting, but you can go into settings and turn off the linked phone numbers. </p>
<p>If this were my daughter (I have a daughter the same age), I would have a face to face meeting with her…coffee or lunch somewhere for a frank conversation about the basics. How not to get pregnant, how not to get hurt, and how to make sure that she takes care of herself. Then I would let her be and let her figure out this relationship without any intervention. I would wait for her to come to you with any problems…if you are upfront and respect her autonomy, I think she will do that.</p>
<p>She left the iphone on her desk. I saw the texts. That is all. I dont have iphone.
I would like to have a face-to-face talk over a lunch or dinner. But it has not happened.
I often took her out of campus over weekends in the past almost three years.</p>
<p>Btw, I went to buy a plan B morning-after tablet. I maybe too scared.</p>
<p>Don’t snoop! Does she know you read them? She’s 20 years old. That’s a pretty serious violation of her privacy.</p>
<p>Plan B only works for a very limited time after unprotected sex. I can’t be sure from your posts, but I think that time is well past. You don’t even know if she’s already ON birth control! Just talk to her and stop trying to manage her in this area. If you must, give her phone numbers, websites, etc. then let her take the lead. I would be furious if my mother bought me Plan B assuming I was too stupid to plan for birth control. </p>
<p>As an eighteen year old girl heading off to college this fall… I am very glad you’re not my mother. First of all you’re making all these assumptions and you don’t even know anything for sure. Second of all you have absolutely no trust towards her… at some point you’re going to have to stop being so controlling- she’s an adult. The majority of young women have been through multiple sex ed classed since middle school… most likely she knows the importance of protection. Just take a step back and allow her to lead her life.</p>
<p>You made TWO Obgyn appointments? How come two? All she needs is one.also, she is old enough to deal,with this herself. She can make her own appointments. I hope you realize that the doctor(s) willNOT talk to you about your daughter unless,SHE gives permission for you to be included.</p>
<p>She can likely get what she needs at her college health service.And as mentioned, there is planned parenthood. </p>
<p>And no, I do not think you should contact the boy.</p>
<p>Stop reading her texts. Stop snooping. You can give her information on the importance of protected sex,and then let her handle it. </p>
<p>I have to ask…why do you think she is reveling against you? Many kids her age have boyfriends, and sex, and want to spend their weekends at college without their parents.</p>
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<p>It is perfectly normal for a 20 yr old woman to want to have a boyfriend. And it is perfectly possible that this boy is a sweet kid who happens to like and appreciate your D. </p>
<p>Love this! Sent the article to my family!</p>
<p>I’m only chiming in to correct this small bit of info, since many people read these threads to gain knowledge.
This well-meant statement is too generalized, in its second sentence:</p>
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<p>Not true everywhere! Our prior community had 3-hour wait, all the time, no matter what the appointment stated. If any young person took courage to go to PP, thinking it’d be a short wait time, they could easily get discouraged and leave before being seen. </p>
<p>So advise her, if she chooses to go to PP, arrive for the first hour and allow the entire morning to assure being seen that day. In our community, when someone arrived during the last hour they were sent away because the receptionist knew their wait would be fruitless. Told to return a different day, some did and some didn’t. </p>
<p>^^ You misunderstood. What I meant is that you don’t wait 3+ months for an appointment. Yes, you can wait <em>hours</em> to get in, but not months, typically. When I first called my PP, I had an appointment for the following week. When I decided to go to a private OBGYN, they told me the next appointment was in 3 months. And I <em>still</em> waited over an hour in the waiting room for that private practice, too. </p>
<p>Sorry for misunderstanding your earlier post.
Many thanks for providing what you meant ^.</p>
<p>And I see we agreed that she’s wisest to arrive at the earliest part of the appointment window for PP.</p>
<p>AND, we especially agree that “next appointment is 3 months” can be what you first hear from a private OB/GYN’s if you call in, new to their practice. Helpful tip: If you describe your situation to the private doctor;s receptionist by phone, they sometimes perceive an urgency and put you into the “within the next 2 weeks” category, improving the scheduling. Sometimes, not always…</p>
<p>So yes, PP can be that port-in-the-storm because they are so well oriented to newcomers and get you in much sooner – in our community, within the same week. </p>
<p>THANKS, it’s all important advice here. </p>
<p>Sorry, but I am not understanding why a 20 year old can’t handle this herself. She’s 20. People are married with children at 20. This whole thing is ridiculous and I would bet the daughter knows a whole lot more than the mom seems to think she knows. Most 14 year olds have figured out how this stuff works, somehow. No disrespect intended but this post is very hard to take seriously. </p>
<p>Agree, at 20 she is not rebelling…she is an adult and is choosing not to discuss her private life with you. If you’ve been open with her regarding sex as she has grown up you have nothing to worry about. If not, my guess is she knows more than you think she does. </p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with a parent doing some research on some medical centers and places that give their patients some good alternatives and some straight info on what 's available and the drawbacks and ramification of each. Nothing wrong either of referring someone to groups and organization with a viewpoint you want your child to hear/see. Info is just that. And I think parents should give their opinions to their kids on a lot of these things. “Forcing”…no, I don’t advocate, but who is to say when a parent feels strongly s/he doesn’t want to support certain behavior. That is personal business. BUt to put it all on the table is the fair thing to do.</p>
<p>@xxParentxx, I think your experience with your daughter this week (or whenever) is the perfect illustration of why it’s not a good idea to read the texts of your 20-year-old college student. You’ve opened Pandora’s box and it is very upsetting to know too much about what’s going on in the life of your young-adult daughter. Although your life may have been more sheltered, I am sure you wouldn’t have wanted your mother to read your thoughts (which is what texting is for 20-somethings) when you were that age.</p>
<p>In my very humble opinion, you should work hard to try to make believe you never saw the texts, and go back to the normal relationship you had with your daughter. She is old enough to figure out how to make her way in the social world. Yes, she will likely make some mistakes, but she’ll learn from them and in all likelihood she will be fine. What you don’t want to do is to insist on participating in her thought processes about these adult issues to the point where she won’t come to you if she really needs help.</p>
<p>You really should back off. Yes, it’s hard and a mother’s first impulse may be to try to help her kid by managing what she thinks is a dangerous situation, but it’s the right thing to do for both of you.</p>