<p>I host Thanksgiving every year with 20+ people. My nephew is 7, my husbands sisters son. He has adhd, but the arm chair psychologist in me believes there are other issues as well, perhaps odd, perhaps just badly parented, and in some moments as I watched him torturing animals, a future sociopath. He doesn’t look anyone in the eye. He’s just mean and I know he gets in trouble at school regularly. I’ve witnessed him chasing down kids, some just little 3 yo girls, knocking their legs out from them and pushing them down on the ground. I was the only one who went over to him and told him to stop. My sil is very sensitive about any criticism about him and mil believes that since sil loves him, it makes it okay. </p>
<p>We’ll just say we hold our breaths that he can be relatively behaved at the table while we’re eating as his mom is a big believer in negotiating and bribing. </p>
<p>In the midst of the craziness of when I was carrying all the hot dishes to the dining room he was standing and playing in the narrow hallway which is the path from the oven to the dining room. As I was walking by I just said M, I’m about to walk through here with a really hot dish, I need you to go play in another room so no one gets hurt. As I took about 3 steps away he started back talking, saying really nasty obnoxious things that you wouldn’t expect from a 7 year old. I can’t quote because I don’t remember exactly, but there were curse words and evil things about wanting to trip me. My sister was at the other end and her eyes just bugged out of her head. I ignored it at the time as I was focused on other things. So, I just let it go because I knew it would set him off and potentially ruin dinner with his behavior.</p>
<p>It’s too late for that particular instance since I didn’t address it at the time. But I know it will happen again. What is your stance on dealing with a relatives badly behaved child in your own home?</p>
<p>I’m so very sorry to hear this. I hope they are seeking professional intervention.</p>
<p>I’ve never had to deal with behavior like that, but for run of the mill rambunctiousness I have no hesitation with telling my nieces and nephews to tone it down. They are sweet and generally listen. I would leave actual discipline beyond admonishments – time outs, taking away privileges – to my sisters. </p>
<p>Just yesterday my little nieces and nephews were running around slamming doors in my new house. There was no issue with my correcting them with a little lecture. </p>
<p>Your situation is obviously totally different. If he is hurting other children you might get to a point where you can no longer welcome him in your home.</p>
<p>If you are close with your sister, have a frank conversation with your concern. If sis would like to host thanksgiving at her house, she can allow her son to behave as she feels is appropriate in her home. You can let her know of how you’d like things to be handled at your home. </p>
<p>Torturing animals and harming small children is serious business. You can do nothing, but then you are complicit. You should do something - either sit down with the parents and other concerned family members and spell out the specific behaviors that concern you, and the possible outcomes of these behaviors without evaluation and intervention, or you call social services. A specific incident of animal abuse is grounds for evaluation.</p>
<p>It is uncomfortable, but it must be done. You are acting in the best interests of this child and his family. </p>
<p>I think anticipating the dilemma is might help and enlisting the mother pro-actively to contain things as thumper suggests is a good idea. I have empathy for all under these circumstances and it is so awkward when parents are opting out and behaviors are extreme. I would not be able to watch small children injured and mistreated in my house, so it would be a “would you please go talk to him so x is safe or shall I?” moment. </p>
<p>Recognizing that this is likely a long shot in this case, I might also try to engage him as my helper if he is visiting (under less stressful and urgent circumstances than serving a huge meal) and just see if he rises to the occasion of doing a very small, helpful task. Some kids with these issues will occasionally surprise you if they are treated as if they have something to offer. The other thing I might do is try to determine what he is interested in and have an option for something engaging for him to do. </p>
<p>Like nottelling, I do hope they are seeking professional help as this is pretty worrisome stuff. </p>
<p>You certainly did the right thing and have nothing to apologize for. In such situations as above, the safety of others…especially younger kids takes far greater priority. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My extended family would have never tolerated that sort of behavior and the aunts/uncles and even older cousins/siblings would have put an immediate stop to it with lectures, groundings, or even asking the parents of the offending child to take him/her home on the spot if things got really bad. </p>
<p>Then again, the older relatives in my family came from an older generation and a culture where “bribing and negotiating” with young children, especially ones who misbehave is unheard of. Moreover, parents who avoid dealing with their child’s misbehavior or worse, shame others who do so won’t find much sympathy in my family. </p>
<p>Yes, I have intervened when I saw bad behavior by my nieces/nephews.
There are a few who are difficult to be around and we’ve minimized the time that we see them for this reason. </p>
<p>I gently encouraged my nieces/nephews as they were growing up. None of them were as challenging as the nephew you describe. I, too, think your husband needs to speak to his sister. You said that the child has ADHD. Is he being treated with medication or therapy? In my experience, many ADHD kids show oppositional characteristics by default because they can’t control their impulses. Good luck - the support you give your nephew and his family will make a positive difference.</p>
<p>I was always a stricter parent relative to my siblings and my niece and nephews knew that. When my niece and nephews were little they always behaved better around me than around their own parents. I remember one time when one of my nephews said to me, “You are not the boss of me.” I said, “I think I am unless you see your parents around here.” I always treated them like my own kids if their parents weren’t around, so I would discipline them if they misbehaved (time out chair, no dessert if they didn’t eat their food). Of course, I would always tell their parents about it later.</p>
<p>eyemammon - your situation is a bit different because of your nephew’s disability, but I still wouldn’t allow him to curse at me or be disrespectful. If he is harmful to other younger kids, I wouldn’t have him over if your SIL couldn’t control him. Your SIL needs to realize, by not working on his behavior he will be shun by his peers and his peers’ parents. She is really doing a disservice to him.</p>
<p>I have a close relationship with some of my nieces and nephews and yes, I have intervened on occasion. I usually only do that when it is a seriously egregious issue and the parents are not willing to rock the boat. One of my nephews and I used to butt heads routinely about his behavior and he has recently indicated to me that he is grateful for my interventions at ties when he now realizes he needed it. It is confusing to be an adolescent and struggling with right and wrong and your parents are avoidant of conflict with their kids. They are often grateful to have an adult around who doesn’t hesitate to spell it out.</p>
<p>It’s just a weird situation since it isn’t my sister, but my husband’s sister. Not saying my kids were angels every second, but his behavior just wouldn’t have happened in our house. I never had any issue with my family’s kids and they all love coming here for Thanksgiving now they’re college age and older. I always said if my kids behaved and followed the basic rules life was very pleasant around here, but if they chose to be disrespectful or rude life would not be enjoyable here. </p>
<p>We were just putting up our Christmas decorations and I asked everyone if they wanted to be just the 4 of us this year for christmas eve or have them over. It was unanimous we didn’t want them over and he was the reason why. </p>
<p>Trust me, they want no input or advice. No matter how nicely or diplomatically I have tried to approach the situation. </p>
<p>If they want no input, then you have your answer. You’ll need to severly limit family get togethers. In fact, you may simply no longer offer to host. </p>
<p>We did this when one of my husband’s sibling kept having more children. The extra kids wasn’t the problem - it was the lack of supervision by their parents that was the problem. The others got tired of finding broken/damaged things, so no one wanted to host them when they were in town with all their kids. We still have a good relationship with this sibling but we never did direclty confront the situation with them. We just stopped offering to host all of them. We only allow their older (and well behaved) children to stay with us. My kids enjoy these cousins, so this works well for us. </p>
<p>We had a family member who was on the ill behaved side. We just stopped seeing them anywhere that it mattered…no restaurants, no concerts, no large family gatherings. It wasn’t easy to make that decision, but it was easier on US to not have these situations to deal with.</p>
<p>I will say…the kiddo in our family is now in high school and is a joy to be around. Don’t know what changed…but it doesn’t matter…it did.</p>
<p>I unfortunately am unable to hold my tongue with I see one particular nephew misbehaving. I’m sure the parents dislike my correction. OTOH, they haven’t said anything to me. When I see him teasing, taunting my son, daring him to do something stupid and potentially harmful, you bet I call him on it. Sometimes afte a visit we all breathe a sigh of relief, we’ve survived another visit with this particular family. We love them but they can be exhausting.</p>
<p>I have no patience for anyone being mean to little ones or animals. I would be quite out-spoken about that and I wouldn’t hesitate to confront. I wouldn’t give a rat’s patootie that SIL is “sensitive” about criticism about her dangerous child. </p>
<p>Recently, my H was with his relatives and his adult niece is super-lenient with her young children, including letting the toddler run into the street. I was glad that H got the nerve up to grab the toddler, bring the child back to his niece and her husband and told them that they have to keep their little ones out of the street. </p>
<p>When little ones or pets are vulnerable, you say whatever needs to be said, no matter whose feathers get ruffled. Ruffled feathers are preferred to hurt innocents. </p>
<p>Torturing animals and injuring young children isn’t just ill-behaved, it’s dangerous and totally unacceptable behavior. If I saw a child exhibiting that behavior, I would definitely intervene. If I had a family member whose child behaved in this way, and they were unwilling to do anything about it, I wouldn’t invite them to my home.</p>
<p>I have spoken up at family gatherings when I saw nasty behavior or bullying. Sometimes this wasn’t even at my house, but at a barbecue or pool party. I just can’t sit by and watch that kind of thing. But your situation sounds really bad, and I’m with the folks who say just don’t invite them, if you can do that.</p>
<p>We’re pretty much just down to Thanksgiving. They live 20 minutes away and we pretty much have nothing to do with them. I love my sil and her younger son is a doll. I just think she has no idea how to manage this, nor do I think she thinks it’s more than boys will be boys rambunctious behavior. It’s beyond that. The stories I could tell would have your hair stand on end. My mil thinks we’re the awful ones because we have a really hard time being around him. My hubby does speak up and ticks everyone off. Hubby thinks the kid is an a-hole, I think he could be a sociopath. I just feel like the oddball because it’s not “my” family. I wouldn’t hesitate with my sisters kids. I’ve been around many, many kids and I’ve never seen anything quite like this. Last summer I had to stop him from peeling his 3 yo brothers fingers off the side of the pool and trying to drown him. I put my new kitten away in my bedroom while he was there. I just didn’t want to have a huge blow up after all the time, energy and effort put into Thanksgiving and my family literally traveling from around the country to get here. I just need to be prepared for the next time. One friend suggested I take him by the hand back to his mom to have her deal with it.</p>