<p>Thankfully I’ve never been in this situation but there is a huge difference between kids acting up and being rambunctious and what you describe which I agree sounds dangerous and disturbed. I would expect your husband to be having a talk with both his mother and his sister about the difference and everyone’s concerns about his behavior now and what the future might hold.</p>
<p>Add me to the list that does speak up to the child when, for various reasons, I feel I have the context. (My home or danger to others would be starters.) Part of it is that I do buy into “It takes a village.” I grew up in a neighborhood where all the parents kept an eye out for all the kids- and spoke up as needed. We can be gentle and firm at the same time. </p>
<p>I honestly don’t know at what point you cut them off. Some kids misbehave for the attention they aren’t getting in their families. </p>
<p>Injuring others, and animals far exceeds what most kids do to get attention.</p>
<p>I would speak up about your safety concerns…and then minimize your own liabilities. Don’t invite these folks when you feel it will be a hindrance to safety in your household…and to others present.</p>
<p>If this behavior is happening very often, the parents likely are hearing about it from others (e.g.school) and are likely in denial of the seriousness of this. </p>
<p>Soeak up…once…and then just limit your contacts.</p>
<p>I agree about limiting contact. There are some parents who want to blame the messenger.</p>
<p>A neighbor wouldn’t correct her older son (maybe at the time age 4) who was a bit of a bully with his younger sis. He was being rough with her in front of mom and me, and I spoke up - mom didn’t like that. Then my kid’s finger got pinched with his roughness and we had to leave. Another time I called and let her know about his destructive behavior on my property (he was maybe 6 or 7 at that time), he was the oldest and enticing others to follow his behavior - and he had denial about initiating and said the other kids were doing it; mom again was short with me the messenger - we had to limit being around them until the boy grew up and behaved better. It was really several years of very limited contact. </p>
<p>I imagine this boy is going to take a lot of intervention. He may never behave well. Hopefully family will protect younger brother. Sad that even grandparent doesn’t want to deal with it. The earlier the problems are addressed, the better the chance the kid has to ‘make it’.</p>
<p>Knowing ahead of time (and planning how to limit and respond to negative situations) certainly can restrict exposure and tactfully handle situations during large family encounters.</p>
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<p>Oh my! I don’t know what the authorities could have done, but if CPS has a role to play in situations like this (neglectful parents?) then they might need to intercede. </p>
<p>This is far beyond just having differences in “parenting styles” where there may not be a right or wrong way. There is something seriously wrong with this child and professional intervention is needed. Maybe appeal to the father? What is everyone waiting for? someone’s death? </p>
<p>It just is WAY OUTSIDE the range of normal to seriously put a younger sibling’s life at risk. There is a wide range of normal behavior and that is WAY OUTSIDE of it.</p>
<p>Well, if you are basically only seeing them on Thanksgiving, it sounds like you are already restricting exposure. Once a year is pretty limited. </p>
<p>So, maybe your older kids can take turns with you and your DH being on ‘that kid duty’. You watch for any damage or harm or mischief that he may do. Decide in advance how you want to handle it (tell parents or deal with among yourselves) and just follow through with that. </p>
<p>What a relief to hear others as outraged as I am! It’s the most bizarre thing how the family reacts to this. I’d be at a psychologist as fast as I could. Instead it’s this weird cover up where everyone else is the problem. The coach is mean, the teacher is awful, my hubby is a hard a$$. Yet every outsider seems to have issues with him. I will say the adhd is getting better, but it’s still difficult being around him. Let me say, I’m not one of these people who love kids in general, but one on one I love kids and their funny ways and the things they find interesting. I have never made any level of connection with him after trying for many years. I know this sounds nuts, but I knew when he was a baby there was something wrong.</p>
<p>That behavior is not ADHD. It’s oppositional defiant. Which can become a
Conduct disorder.</p>
<p>He sounds like a sociopath. Cruelty to animals and younger siblings raises serious flags. Maybe send your sister in law a copy of The Bad Seed for Christmas. 
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<p>I had my relatives messed up. I should have said the OP’s husband should discuss this with his sister, not with his brother. In any case, it sounds like the OP’s DH has weighed in, to no avail. </p>
<p>The diplomatic way to chastise someone else’s child in front of his/her parent is to do it humorously w metaphors, like:
“Hey, little cowboy, aren’t u worn out from chasing those cattle rustlers? How about a sitdown at the campfire for some cowboy grub?”</p>
<p>Laughing while u say it will dispel the parent’s impression that his/her darling monster is being criticized.</p>
<p>It’s not your place to discipline someone else’s child. ^The objective should be to prevent them from causing damage in your home. As other posters have mentioned, the time to get involved is if u see deliberate cruelty, physical or emotional.</p>
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<p>You are right…this is not ADHD. Purposely trying to endanger/kill others isn’t an ADHD behavior. </p>
<p>Does anyone know if intervention at a young age can make a serious difference or is such a kid “doomed”? </p>
<p>Any chance there is a substance abuse issue in the household with one / both of the parents ?</p>
<p>^^
This is a good question.</p>
<p>But really, the biggest issue seems to be massive denial on the part of the mom. </p>
<p>NO PARENT wants to even broach the idea that there is something so seriously wrong with their child that he may be doomed to an evil future. </p>
<p>If that is the case with this child, no wonder the massive denial. </p>
<p>but if someone here could suggest something that could intervene and possibly “stop the doomed future,” then bringing THAT to the parents’ attention (in a calm and loving way) would be a BLESSING.</p>
<p>No substance abuse. I have to say the second child is just a regular, normal, cute as pie kid. It can’t all be parenting. </p>
<p>mom2college - I’ve been wracking my brains for years on what I would do. I don’t know when you have that much anger and malicious behavior in you from a very early age how you get a kid to be nicer or have better natural reactions to things. I wish you could see his eyes.</p>
<p>Poor parenting may exacerbate the issue, but likely (sadly) the child was born this way (as awful as that sounds). </p>
<p>Yes, I know what you’re talking about. I have seen this for myself, but also have read about situations where the evil is noticeable in the eyes. (maybe an exorcist is needed…and i’m only half-kidding)</p>
<p>Someone trained to deal with this sort of disordered child is needed. Do and your spouse have a good relationship with the father?</p>
<p>The father is a nice guy, not really into best practices with parenting. He’d be less open to addressing issues than the mom. But how do you tell parents you think their kid may have some sociopathic tendencies?</p>
<p>eyemom, so sorry you have hit this massive wall of denial. When I read the posts about your nephew’s behavior, the story of Adam Lanza came to mind right away. I’m not saying that the kid is destined to become a mass murderer, but if the parents continue their pattern of denial, like Adam’s mother did, I have a feeling that nothing good will come out of it.</p>
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<p>The first post indicates that the kid is bullying other kids, getting into trouble in school, and torturing animals. Seems like there is some element of deliberate cruelty, so the problem is greater than just potential damage to stuff in the house. Longer term, the likelihood of crime and prison in the future appears high.</p>