<p>BB, I had the same thought. Exactly.</p>
<p>Bunsen - every time there is a school shooting we look at each other and say we hope to God we aren’t being interviewed in 12 years. When I can tell total strangers what’s going on and they get it, I don’t know how the parents and grandparents just overlook the warning signs. </p>
<p>Please…please rock this boat. Just because it appears they aren’t listening doesn’t mean they won’t eventually. It takes some people a really long time to “get it”. I pray that this child gets help.</p>
<p>OP, try empathy. ‘Even on his ADHD medications, Johnny seems quite challenging at times; what does the pediatrician say?’</p>
<p>I like @mominva’s suggestion to show empathy and concern. Surely caring for a child like this must be exhausting and scary, especially if he may (has) harmed animals and children, including younger brother. </p>
<p>Tough situation, but your bringing it up in a supportive manner could provide a needed outlet for parents. </p>
<p>I has exactly the same thought about Adam Lanza. If you haven’t read the latest report that came out about two weeks ago by the state of Connecticut about Lanza, I highly, highly recommend it. It details just how far into denial his mother was and is truly chilling. This is not to suggest that any intervention could have prevented that tragedy but the report is scathing in its indictment of his mother’s attempt to normalize his behavior. Read the actual report, not just the media summaries.</p>
<p>Here is the link to the full report:</p>
<p><a href=“Connecticut Office of the Child Advocate”>Connecticut Office of the Child Advocate;
<p>The executive summary is very readable and has scary parallels to other cases where the troubled individual eventually acted out violently–shooting and killing other people. Thanks for the link.</p>
<p>I have a nephew who’s on the spectrum, and he’s very hard to take sometimes. I have over the years asked him to stop doing something on occasion. Brother and SIL are sensitive to his high irritation quotient, and will back me up if they hear me.</p>
<p>He used to infuriate my dad no end, but seemed drawn to sit next to Dad at every get-together. Brother and I finally made a plan for meals: We’d watch Dad as he sat and then, as Nephew was inevitably gravitating to the next seat, rush to insert ourselves.</p>
<p>We can only go on what OP has said, that she thinks something was wrong, since birth, etc. If you are this concerned he is harming or seeking to harm others, you need to take action. Not just walk away. </p>
<p>Could you all chime in with words to say? I wanted to say something along the lines of, I’m concerned about some behaviors I’m seeing with nephew, but a conversation needs to be longer than a sentence. Do I offer a solution or a suggestion to seek help?</p>
<p>For SIL, I’d start with the facts- he cursed you out. It’s fact, it’s focused, and maybe harder for her to just claim you’re over-interpreting. Your sister witnessed it and was concerned, as well. Maybe that you don’t feel comfortable letting this go unmentioned, as it’s not something you want to repeat. </p>
<p>It’s hard to know what’s caused by what and predict when something leads to a doomed future. Especially at such a young age. There can be many stressors. It’s good you care. Wishing you best with this. </p>
<p>I have to say something here…it is very difficult to be the parent of a child with a disability…and being a “good parent” isn’t easy. The same skills one uses with a typically developing sibling just don’t work sometimes. And behavior disorders are particularly challenging, in my opinion. The child “looks” ok…but really has a disability behind that OK appearance.</p>
<p>It is very possible that these parents are at wits end, but who would want to discuss that at Thanksgiving dinner? </p>
<p>In thinking about it some more I may tell her I need some guidance on how she wants me to handle it when her son shows some unacceptable behaviors. Tell her I’m worried about him and tell her what happened Thanksgiving, and that I let it go that day to not cause a scene, but it is not okay with me and I want her to tell me what she wants me to do. </p>
<p>What happens if her guidance is to tell you to ignore the behavior?</p>
<p>Hubby is going to talk to her himself. I’ll keep you posted. </p>
<p>I think you are getting good advice here, and I must mostly want to add my sympathy to you, and to a family that has such a challenge–it is scary to think about his future.</p>
<p>But–I was wondering…do they know about those other really scary incidents you have told–the trying to drown the brother, hurting animals, tripping the younger girl? Maybe being faced with a litany of such incidents might help to keep her saying to just ignore it.</p>
<p>And kudos to you for caring enough and not just standing by.</p>
<p>Is DH talking to her face to face or on the phone? Since he is relaying the incidences second hand and you have had the first hand experience, you should consider having this conversation with him in case Sil asks questions DH can’t answer. </p>
<p>We just talked and I told him I wanted him to be aware of exactly what happened and told him the story. He’s close with his sister so he’s going to see how it goes and how much she can process, but he’s going to tell her about our experiences with him and the long history of some pretty startling behavior that seems to have a real pattern now. And he knows she has a lot of resentment over their other sister who she felt really bullied her growing up. He’s going to draw the parallel that there is no way there won’t be a huge impact on the younger son. He’ll go see her in person so he can hug her and let her know he loves her and wants the best for all of them. As he said, if we’re frazzled and at wits end we can’t imagine how she might feel.</p>
<p>Is this his sister or his brother’s wife?</p>