No right or wrong answers, and no judgement! LONG post, but would love insight on parenting college/young adults.
Our son is a rising college senior. Great grades, athlete, and just finished a great (but unpaid) summer internship. We had a discussion with him going into the summer that this summer would be challenging for him time-wise and money-wise. He had a busy unpaid internship, and also did quite a bit of shadowing that’s required for a grad program he’ll be applying to. In his limited spare time (basically 2-3 hours in afternoons), he has done paid outdoor landscaping work. He has saved some $, but not an ideal amount, given limited hours available to work.
Despite that, he has managed to go see his girlfriend for almost a week (6+ hours away), she’s come to stay with us for a week, and he met her for a long weekend at a bed and breakfast 1/2 way in between. Additionally he’s gone away for a weekend with friends, and gone on vacation with us twice (which includes a week long vacation next week). He just informed us that he plans on going back to school an extra week early (on top of the 2 weeks early he was already planning on going back) to meet his girlfriend at their college, then drive with her back to her home 6 hours away, stay a week with her there to hike, have fun, etc., before returning to college with her.
My husband and I were both not happy with this. We feel, that after he returns from his vacation with us next week, he should spend the remaining 2 weeks he has at home working full time since his internship ended yesterday. Then he still will be going back 2 weeks early and will see his girlfriend again then. We don’t feel that he should come back, work 1 week and then not be working for the next 3 weeks. His argument is that he’ll try and get a job during the semester (easier said than done since he has a very rigorous full load and he’s already expressed stress about this.) Our argument is that it’s irresponsible and we’re paying for a lot of his expenses (car including insurance and repairs, phone, rent, etc. etc.); if he has money to burn on additional trips, he has money to contribute to expenses. We feel if he has extra time after other fun trips this summer, he needs to be working or else take on some of these costs. He’s a great, respectful “kid” so I hate even having these disagreements, and I’m uncomfortable saying “No” at his age. He tells us he appreciates our opinion, but he’s going. We hate being put in position of telling him he now has to take over some of these costs or giving ultimatums, but we also would like him to make the responsible, mature choice. Ugh.
At a loss. I know this is part of this age, but I love my kids fiercely (as I know we all do) and I hate feeling so frustrated about this, especially as we get ready to go on vacation…
Nope, and I have one that gets serious FOMO, who’s doing a 40 hour a week unpaid clinical who has been to lake George, cape cod twice (with another trip planned), is going on our vacation next week down the shore (on days she doesn’t have clinical, we are only going an hour away because my daughter and niece have paid internships and another son at home work). When we get back she flies to Italy for 10 days. Her boyfriend is in grad school in Florida’s, she’s flown there twice this summer, he’s stayed here a bunch of times. She’s been down the shore several times for overnights (my oldest lives there). She could not be poorer. She made some money this summer cleaning and organizing for me (I was going to hire someone), and there is still a lot left to do. She pays her rent at BU bartending, the restaurant closed down, she starts an unpaid clinical in September but needs to find a job asap.
Her boyfriend’s mom is feeling like you, he doesn’t have a job, has been here a lot, and is also going to Italy. I think it’s nuts but it’s her life. I pay for her insurance, gas, phone - I actually pay for all of the phones, my two oldest are 25 and 28. They don’t live here anymore. Need to do something about that…
We took a simple approach that we modified as our kids matured.
We viewed ourselves as not being there to ensure our kids succeeded but being there to help them when they failed.
As adults this approach has proven to have created a high degree of resilience and self confidence based on their having made decisions that didn’t always work out but realizing actions have consequences and that they can work through most anything.
I would let your kid make the decisions and deal with the outcomes.
Disclaimer that this worked very differently for each kid and led to several very tough bite your lip moments and nights of parental angst and the devil is always in the details. Lastly, my parental advice is worth what you just paid for it.
I’m a bit confused. Is it one week or two? And how much can he realistically earn during that time period? Is it enough to cause stress in an otherwise basically strong family relationship? And…he is probably feeling that once he graduates he will probably get a 9-5 job with maximum 2 weeks vacation, so he wants to use this time while he still has it. And since you supported his taking an unpaid internship, he may be thinking that his summer earnings aren’t that critical.
Would his earnings for this time be used for the expenses you are covering, or would they be his to spend as he likes in the future? If you are seeing it as the former and he is seeing it as the latter, that may also be part of the disconnect.
I think at that age it’s hard to say “no, you can’t do that” but it’s ok to say “yes, you have to pay for that.”
My rising sophomore daughter has been working at a summer camp across the country this summer. She called last weekend and said that they didn’t need all of the counselors for the last two week session and she could come back early. We told her that while we would love to have her home, two weeks of work is a lot of money to give up and she would need to pay for her own plane ticket change fee. She decided to stay at camp and work.
Why is it a negative to have your soon to be graduating young adult take on some of his own expenses? It sounds to me from what you shared that you alerted him at the beginning of the summer that it was going to be tough to earn enough money, and that was before you realized he was going to blow off a couple of weeks where he could be earning money.
I would try to be clear about what you will and will not continue to pay for. That part you can control.
FWIW, my D worked during the academic year in a part time job sophomore, junior and senior year, carrying a full engineering course load (in addition to her co-op). It’s not an unreasonable expectation that a college senior should be able to balance some part time work and classes.
No. I had friends whose parents tried to manage their lives when they were in college, and it always backfired. I was grateful to my parents for letting me make my own decisions and not ever holding their financial support for me over my head.
Based on what you’ve described, it sounds like you and your husband have always planned to pay for your kid’s college expenses, and it does not sound like you ever told him you expected some level of contribution from him. Is that correct? If so, and unless you’re facing new financial hardship, I think it’s a mistake to now tell him that you’re upset he’s not contributing more.
It seems to me that he is making a mature, responsible choice, given the information he has: he (seemingly with your support) took on an unpaid internship + shadowing that presumably will help him with his career prospects. He also has a job that it sounds like will make him enough money to get by this year according to the financial support arrangement with you as he understood it, and he’s willing to get a job during the school year to supplement his income. And amid his responsibilities, he’s finding time to relax and decompress, which feels appropriate for a college student during the summer. And it sounds like his engagement with you on this topic has been thoughtful and mature—he’s not getting upset; instead, he listened and thanked you for your input.
As long as he understands that you aren’t willing/able to give him more money during the school year and accepts the implications of that, I’d let him live his life. Changing your support for him now risks seeming controlling and could make him feel like you resent/regret the support you’ve provided so far. Everything you’ve said makes me think this isn’t actually how you feel—you are clearly proud of him, rightfully so!
All of my kids worked part time every year at college, my daughters at restaurants and my sons at the college rec center. We don’t give them any spending money.
All kids are different. Family situations are different too. I would not try to enforce something at this point unless you want to strain relationships and you suddenly can’t support your son financially. Decompressing before busy school year is not a bad approach. Yes, some people can work several jobs, work and study, be Olympic champions etc. Not all can and should. On the other spectrum there are students who are sick and can barely study, students that barely study and play computer games, etc. You do not have these cases. You have hard working son who needs to balance his life and it sounds you have means to support him. You also do not want to burn him and make depressed. He knows his limits. Let him decide.
All good points, thanks.
He’d be going to stay with his girlfriend for a week; one of only 2 weeks he could work full time this summer. Then the 2 of them would return to school together, with still 2 weeks remaining to chill before classes start.
I wouldn’t try to enforce him not going. I WOULD just say he’s on his own for spending money this fall or set a fair limit.
I actually think a having a typical student job in the 8-12 hour a week range is just fine and will usually cover basic college student “fun” and gets them thinking about budgeting too. Without being disruptive to academics. My first kid didn’t have a job like that (he had on campus leadership that earned him scholarships though, so he was very busy and he got hit his first couple years by covid restrictions). But my 2nd kid was almost immediately irritated with our financial constraints and went and got a job. She is much happier with that set up. Also, she is more responsible with her own funds as well.
My oldest kid graduated and having some on campus work history is often good for resumes anyway.
I’m trying to figure out why I feel so frustrated about it (and my husband is too), but I can’t full articulate it. He’s had a lot of fun this summer, and we feel like it’s not the mature decision when he’s not in a position financially to have an additional week without pay. That said, he is a loving, respectful, “good” kid (young man) and I don’t want to jeopardize our otherwise great relationship.
I’m sure he’s going to go and I’m thinking we’re just going to say we don’t think it’s the best choice, but it’s up to him. He pays for all spending money at school. We’re not opposed to him working during the school year- he did last year. But, he also participates in a winter sport, and had expressed concern already about working this school year due to a particularly challenging load. He gets very anxious and stressed when he’s maxed out and it took a toll on him last year, but again, it’s a choice he has to make, even though it’s hard to see your kid struggle.
Parenting these on-the-verge adults ready to launch is hard! Appreciate all the insightful responses.
Is the issue the not working, or the girlfriend?
It sounds like you’ve got a responsible, hardworking son. Your issue is over what he does for one week. It just doesn’t sound like a mountain I’d want to die on, myself. (Or, a fight that will potentially damage my relationship with my son).
It sounds to me like there’s something making this a bigger issue than it seems like from the outside.
In our experience trying to “guide” college kids with something that they do not see always backfired.
In addition, given all of the “hardship” you described above, he may need more time to refuel. Energy even in young age is not unlimited.
The issue is the not working. His girlfriend is great and extremely goal-oriented as well. Agreed, it’s a hill we don’t want to die on and we certainly don’t want to jeopardize our relationship with our son. Maybe it’s more just shock that he wants to take another trip after he finished his internship early with the sole intent on finally working more the last couple of weeks before going back early to bank money for school and he has a lot of big expenses coming up in the next few months. Again, still not worth damaging our relationship over.
@cinnamon1212 - edited to add: Something else that I think contributed to our frustration over this is that he was away last weekend visiting his college and meeting up with a friend to go to an event. He extended the visit by a day (a lost day of work) and used my husband’s card to buy $100 worth of food, without asking. This is not something he typically does. If he needs something, he asks, and we usually help him out. We had a discussion about it with him after the fact and he was apologetic. So, the trip announcement this week, after that added to frustration. Again, not typically like him and not a huge deal, but not a responsible thing. But it did speak to the fact that he’s not in a financial position to go on another trip and felt irresponsible.
I understand your frustration, but I would be one to let him go. How I would look at it… he’s a rising college senior. These will be the last few weeks in his life to be a “kid.” Soon, he’ll be in the grind of senior year school while trying to find a job. After graduation, he’ll begin working to support himself (and any future others) for the REST OF HIS LIFE.
As someone who just hit 30 years of working, 27 of which has been at the same company, and I just spent 4 hours of heavy duty cleaning. My whole body aches and nobody will probably even care. If I could have another few weeks and just be a carefree person, I just don’t know what I’d do. If I could give that gift to my kid, I’d do it in a heartbeat. (And in our family that also means saying “great have fun! Next year you get to know the joy of being a real adult FOREVER! Evil laughter”)
I also think it’s not worth a fight over. If it were my kid I’d let him go with a hug and a smile and probably with a comment or two that I’d thought it over and changed my mind.
What is this money he is earning for? If it’s his spending money and money for books or discretionary expenses, I would just remind him that he is responsible for whatever expenses you are asking him to fund…and that you won’t be providing additional money if he runs out.
Adding…our kids knew up front that we weren’t funding a dime of discretionary spending…at.all. And we didn’t. And we wouldn’t have. And if they had spent money on a discretionary thing, we would not have helped them out if they needed money later.
So I guess we said NO to both of our college kids about some things.
Is your son clear on what you will and won’t fund?