I’m not understanding why foregoing one week of work is upsetting you so much. If you were clear with him that he needed to make a certain amount of money in the summer, but he chose not to work and earn that money, then just don’t make up the difference that you had expected him to earn. He can adjust his budget, get a job during school, or take out a loan if he isn’t maxing federal loans already. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I get the feeling that you might be trying to micromanage him. Just let him fail if you think that the extra week of work he is foregoing will ruin his life. I suspect that it’s not going to do that, though, and that is where I think that there may be a deeper issue that lies in the relationship between parent and budding adult. Yes, he’s your child, but he’s also an adult. As I said, let him figure out how to come up with that one week of pay. He may well surprise you.
Curious - would you have been happier if your son had done typical paid work during the summer (barista, pizza parlor, whatever) rather than the unpaid internship so that he could fund more things?
We had this discussion with my daughter at one stage and we definitely had a preference for her to do one of them. I don’t think it’s important so much which we thought it was, but that it would have been unfair at the end of the summer to then say “well you should have done the other one if you wanted (more money)/(a better resume)”. (I know you said you had a discussion with him about what the challenges would be but it’s not clear if what he did aligned with your thinking at that stage)
It sounds like a control issue to me. You want him to do something specific. He’s old enough to say thanks, but I disagree and will live with the consequences. You’re not happy about that.
Who will do that next year? The year after?
Our job at this stage is to pick them up, not to keep them from falling down.
My bet…he’ll be fine.
It’s tough letting go. Hang in there!
Your son is living his best life. He sounds like a responsible, hardworking kid. He’s not going to regret working one or two weeks less. You should just let this go.
I think it’s the pain parents experience when the kids grow beyond our reach. It’s the conflict between letting go (my brain knows this is the right thing) and keeping them close (still my heart wants this). Would it help if you and your husband discuss with your son to make a vague plan for the next two years? Things like academic progress, living cost, expenditures, job opportunities, career development, communication with parents, etc. would feel more under control if all three of you understand each other’s expectations and plans.
what won’t work is “I’ll cut you off if you don’t do what I say”. what also won’t work is “do whatever you want and I’ll pay for it” (unless you’re really really rich). navigating a balance in between is a constant work in progress.
just came here to say I appreciate this thread as I am sure this reality is not far off for me.
Yes, our college kids know they fund their discretionary spending during the college year. That said, when they occasionally ask for help with something, we usually say yes.
Just to clarify - he initially intended to finish the internship early so he could earn money, and then pivoted to take another trip instead?
If so, I think it’s 100% fair game to ask him how he’s planning on paying for the upcoming big expenses and being crystal clear that you won’t bail him out if he doesn’t get an on campus job or runs out of money.
FWIW, I would be incredibly frustrated too.
Really helpful. Yes, for some reason I’m a little emotional about it, which is probably subconsciously the natural order of him pulling away and moving on; totally normal and healthy. I love asking for insight here because I really appreciate different view points, and I know we all want what’s best for our kids. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do think I’m a good parent with healthy, loving relationships with my kids. I may naturally have an inclination towards micromanaging, so I’m always trying to be aware of that and improve my parenting.
Thanks, yes, he had the option to end the internship now (before we go on a week long family vacation next week) or on 8/12. He chose now with the intent to earn money the last couple of weeks before he goes back. I should add, HE has been stressed about money this summer and money for the school year. That’s why this sudden extra trip announcement took us by surprise and quite frankly, pissed us off. But, again, I never want to over control, and this was starting to feel like that. I guess we felt significant frustration that he wasn’t independently making the responsible decision. I think this will cause him additional and unnecessary stress this coming semester, but I can’t control that…
We fully supported him doing this internship, despite the less than ideal fact it wasn’t funded because it was a very competitive internship and he has a standing and open job offer as a result. That said, the discussion all summer has been about paid work any opportunity he gets this summer.
Like what? If it’s grad school or medical school applications, or the GMAT, or the GRE, or something like that, I might be more inclined to help. If it’s some spring break service trip, I would likely say they needed to find their own funds.
Maybe he needs to learn this financial lesson as a member of the school of hard knocks (for discretionary spending at least). Or maybe he thinks he has enough money now.
He should be able to work 5-10 hours a week while in college …many college students do.
This is a bit rambling - I’m sorry! I’m running on just a little sleep.
From my experience (rising sophomore), this summer has been emotional at times for me as it’s particularly a change in life stages.
Regarding funds, I pay for all college related expenses, but all of his spending money is on him. I do pay for his phone, but he doesn’t drive. There have been some days where he chose to not work (he does construction for a family friend who is a contractor, so he can tell him what days he’s available, and when he isn’t), and he is off doing meetups with friends instead. I have occasionally asked how he’s doing on refilling his bank account for the next year. If he runs low on money, that will be up to him to handle.
Sometimes I do think he should be working more, but I bite my tongue and realize he’ll just be short on cash by the end of the year, or he’ll have to try and find a job at school.
“Kiddo” (understandably) wants to be with his peers and friends. I’ll catch myself being disappointed or sad when all the free time that he does have he runs off to be with friends or his girlfriend. Last week he took a housesitting gig and forgot to mention it to me, and when I asked on Monday why he was packing a suitcase he said: oh, I’m housesitting at Sam’s for a week.
Which of course meant that my limited summer time with him was now being cut short by a whole week! I was going to miss him. 
Regarding “telling him what to do” - I’ve consciously moved towards using the wording “I prefer…” over the last year when saying something instead of telling him to do something, because we’re at a different stage in our Mom and Son relationship. He sees and appreciates that shift, and the word choice is helpful. I can state my preferences (and it’s important to not be passive aggressive about it!), and that’s that.
Overall this summer I am feeling the emotional side of it all: my kid is growing up and isn’t excited to spend time with me like he used to!
I think it’s wonderful that you’ve had vacations with your son this year for together time, and welcomed his girlfriend to come stay with you too. Being “easy” to be with in these years, I think goes a long way and builds the foundation for the next stage of their adult lives. I feel also that when it comes to heterosexual sons, they can often drift more frequently towards spending time with their partner’s family of origin over their own as they grow up. So being welcoming and warm to their partners, like you were, is important.
Just yesterday my son had an unexpected day free, and I texted to ask if he wanted to go blueberry picking (something we used to do every summer), and he said he was going to spend the day with his girlfriend since she was leaving for four days. I internally sighed, a bit sad, yet replied: Ah, I understand - that sounds fun! I hope you have a great day, and please say hi to her from me. 
I was a little sad that my “boy” didn’t want to go blueberry picking, but I know our relationship is stronger when I’m equally valuing what he is excited about. And today he was happy to meet me for breakfast this morning and we had a really nice couple of hours together before he went back to his housesitting gig.
I wish he wasn’t going back to school in 4 weeks!
My “kids” are well into their 30’s now, so I am future you. Over the years, I have had to consciously remember what it was like to be their age - it helps to remind yourself how you would have felt if your parents did such-and-such when you were that age. It’s not about how we (that is, we as parents) think we would have benefited (as young adults) if our parents had swooped in to guide us. It’s about how we would have felt back then. When I would begin to worry about my adult children, I would remind myself that I was once in their shoes, and I not only survived - but I thrived. It’s about giving ourselves grace to know that we did our jobs, and now it is time for them to move forward. Some of that moving forward means that they are moving away from us, but not really … they are just making room for others in addition to us. It all works out, I promise!
I don’t think we’ve said “no” to our rising senior son since (Covid) days in high school when some of his friends weren’t social distancing and we reminded him (sometimes had to do so strongly and in the context of keeping family members with cancer safe) that our family chooses to maintain all social distancing.
However, since HS graduation, there has been at least a dozen times when we have learned something that S did without giving us a heads up (eg., obtained a PT job the fall of his second year) …and we were thrown for a loop.
“Okay, clearly you made this decision, and we understand why you took the initiative to find a job…but please consider dropping the job if your very heavy courseload becomes impacted, or if your mental health becomes challenged bc you are juggling too many things.”
(Note: He got a job bc he didn’t like how I was monitoring his spending.
)
DH and I continue to say things to S like, “This is your life, not ours, so everything is ultimately up to you to decide, but please always compare pros/cons, and if/when you reach out to us, we won’t tell you what to do but we will try and help you look at a decision from multiple angles.
To be honest, everything DH and I have taken deep breaths about when S told us something that brings US (usually not him!) a bit of anxiety has ultimately worked out well for him in the long term.
He typically if not always (?) lands on his feet. Thank goodness.
I think it’s hard to step back. But necessary.
I want to maintain a solid, close, and mutually respectful relationship with him.
I don’t think it is unrealistic to say to a 21 (22?) year old: listen, we ‘gave’ you this summer to do the unpaid internship with the understanding you’d work when you could. You have 12 weeks off in the summer and you have spent 4 of them traveling and now want to spend the last 4 weeks of the summer going back to school early. You could easily earn $1000 during that time. Your choice, but we are going to expect you to pay $1000 of your cost this fall (gas, food, entertainment, books, whatever)."
I’d start with the gas for driving to his girlfriend’s home and back to school, and all his expenses for that week. Or $500, or whatever you decide is fair. Or really I’d start with the $100 he charged to your credit card to come out of his pocket.
If you think that is unfair, then set a budget for his expenses for the fall, and make it a tight budget as far as entertainment and food is concerned even if you were generous in the past. If he wants to go to games and concerts, he’ll have to earn that money.
If these are expenses that you planned to cover anyway and he uses his funds for the "other’ expenses, and if he is not going to be asking you for money because he never has before and is good at budgeting, then zip your lip. As you said. He’s a good kid ad he’ll make it work.
You are looking at this as a wasted money making opportunity because it’s the “responsible” thing to do. He is most probably looking at this as possibly the last summer that he has the freedom to do these things. He has the next 40+ years to worry about finances.
If this summer internship means that he now has a job offer already for post-college graduation, then your kid is 1 step ahead of everybody else right now because in some fields, the job market is tougher for college grads right now.
My advice?
Keep your mouth shut. Say nothing about him going back to college early. He’s spreading his wings, knows that this is the last summer of freedom before real life truly hits. Remind him of the family rule that he has to pay for his personal fun account expenses himself. AND remind him that him using his dad’s card to spend $100 on food on that recent weekend trip extension was something you want him to pay you back for.
That’s what I think too!