I’m curious.
Say an adult sibling was having some medical issues. How involved would you be in their care if at all and what circumstances affect you answer – age, proximity, do they have children, finances (theirs or yours), personal history between the two of you, etc?
Tough question. I’ve shared that my husband’s younger sister probably has schizophrenia but she’s never been diagnosed. For many years, another sibling managed her affairs, but he finally got burnt out the Xth time she decided her housing wasn’t safe because the neighbors were coming in and stealing her stuff or breaking her toes. DH volunteered to help, but he hasn’t had to do much since she refuses help. Right now, she’s living with her daughter in south Texas. I kind of feel like the daughter should be responsible for her care at this point. The daughter is frustrated because her mom refuses to apply for Medicaid - “I don’t want my social security number online!” Of course, that’s irrational. I told the daughter that there’s no way she will be able to afford for her mom’s care (and we certainly can’t chip in), so she will probably have to get guardianship at some point.
My two younger kids know they’re going to have take care of their mentally ill brother one day. They ask me questions and I’ve started a Google doc with all the information they would need to know.
Spouse and I are pretty close with our siblings, but live far away. They are all financially secure. My sibling and I are not close with our parents and just manage from them afar. Spouse’s siblings live near the parents and everyone has close relationships.
If our siblings needed us we would do as much as we could. If there was animosity between us, that might change things. Spouse’s siblings have help nearby but we’ve done a lot from afar when they’ve had health crises. With my sibling especially, I would likely go to great lengths because we have a close relationship and my sibling is married with no children and has no other family to help except me.
So far this hasn’t meant making special trips to help anyone, but we’re all relatively young and healthy. My sibling and I can both mostly do our jobs remotely so I could see either one of us traveling to spend big chunks of time to help the other one out.
My siblings and I live in different parts of the country. All of us are married with school-age children. In the near future, it is unlikely any of us would ask another for help. Longer term our plan is to move closer to family so that we could more easily provide assistance. (Siblings are all healthy at this point but parents are aging.)
I’m very close to my brother but we live in different parts of the country and we both have partners and young adult children. I don’t think we would need to be responsible for each other. Same with my SIL.
Interestingly my parents financially helped their siblings and we felt a pull to help them after they died.
If my sibling needed help and their children were under 22 I would lend a hand, but I am not going to jeopardize my future to help them out.
I am a believer of setting up emergency funds for extended periods of loss of work and even long-term disability insurance. I will say if a medical issue arose where my sib could no longer work ever again I would probably take him in, but he is retired now.
I guess I would sum it up this way. I would let a sib come live with me if they couldn’t take care of themselves, but I am not going to send money to them.
Yes. One of my brothers is an alcoholic. No kids, never married. Very well educated, had a great career that he lost due to his drinking but fortunately is very financially secure.
He’s a kind, generous person who has done many great things for others but he is very difficult to deal with- non- communicative and overly private. Lives within an hour of me and other sibling. We’ve been very involved for many years with his situation and have very few fun or good times with him. He’s currently sober but I’ve seen this before- it doesn’t last. He already has a lot of health issues related to the alcoholism and I only anticipate it getting worse. I likely will always help/be there for him but I will never offer to be his caregiver or allow him to live with us. We’ve asked him to do basic things ( like a will) but have no idea if he’s done them. He lies a lot too.
My own sibling is extremely capable of taking care of herself, and she has two very capable adult children.
My husband’s siblings – not so much. Younger Brother, who is now deceased, never held a job for long, delighted in scamming companies out of stuff, and wound up on welfare and Medicaid (after the Older Brother insisted YB apply and helped him do so). We used to talk about what we would do if YB showed up on our doorstep with all his possessions in a big black garbage bag, and at the time DH’s decision was that we would send him away. DH felt his focus should be on his own wife and children, not on his brother.
Older Brother has had some legal entanglements that have made earning a living difficult. Nevertheless, he’s an adult with a college degree. DH feels that any issues he has are of his own making, so DH would not want to help out.
I have one sibling who has never married. When she has needed help, the others of us have pitched in. Everyone else lives closeby…I don’t. But I do what I can. And if I needed to be there, I would go!
I think it makes a difference if the sibling is married/has children. All of mine do, I don’t anticipate needing to help much. DH has an older sister without children of her own and I could see us being next in line behind her husband.
My dad had one sister, without children, and so my Dad and Mom, and us kids, were the help. She recently died during a brief nursing home stay. With Dad gone, it was my mom who visited her every day in the nursing home, made the decisions etc. for her sister-in-law.
No, we are 600 miles apart and he has very capable children and their spouses. We are 7 years apart in age and never were close. We love each other, no issues, no fights, etc., were totally there for and with each other when our parents passed. Time and distance keeps us apart.
A bit off the initial example but my dad brothers daughter (my cousin) was a sick child and adult.
When my uncle divorced and remarried, he disowned his child.
She became part of our family, a surrogate sister.
My father and his brother sadly haven’t spoken bcuz of it in over 40 years. Both now in their 80s.
But my dad would not allow his sibling to ignore his child. So in many ways stepped in.
I will be the adult sibling that needs help in the coming years. It goes against every fiber of my being to accept assistance from people I love. I’m usually the one doing the helping. That said, in the not too distant future I won’t be in a position to be stubborn about it. I would do anything for my brother, and I know he’d do anything for me, I just never expected to be the dependent one. He currently lives about an hour away, but he moves to Paris for a year this summer. Hopefully my timeline won’t conflict with his time abroad.
Not until my B’s wife filed for divorce and left the house this past year. No kids and retired. Financially will probably do OK.
I hope in most families there was a strong bond as youths - and while that bond lessens maybe as we get older and get new families - that’s still your blood and I’m sure your sibling will be thankful they can help - and will want to make your life as easy and productive as they can.
You go back to day one in one of your lifes.
Good luck and health.
I think it really depends on the circumstances. My sister has MS, which poses a lot of challenges. Fortunately, she has a supportive husband and adult children who make sure that she is well taken care of. They are also secure financially, which helps. However, if the situation was different, I would do all I could to help.
My sibling and my husband’s sibling are both single. My sibling has children who are involved in their life but they have their own medical issues and it remains to be seen if the children will be able to be involved. My husband’s sibling seems to be unable to ask their children for any help. It seems as if that road goes one way.
I’ve helped my sibling when their spouse was sick and passed away. I spent weeks helping with childcare. Was away from my family as they needed help desperately. My parents were dealing with their own issues.
My husband has helped out his sibling in small ways as they’ve not had significant problems. Their parents still help a lot but my in laws have their own problems now.
But I’ve learned that I should not expect the same. We are relatively healthy right now but will not expect anything.
I have a sister and a brother. Our parents are no longer living.
My sister is married and has two adult kids. They are financially well off. She lives about 4-5 hrs away. We get along fine but are not close. Text each other once a month maybe. I would not expect to be involved or responsible for her. She has plenty of help from her family. I would want to know if she had anything going on and would wish her well.
My brother is married but with no kids. They are financially well off. He lives about 15 minutes away. We are not close and have a slightly strained relationship due to caring for our parents in their later years. If his wife were to be unable to deal with any health issues he has I might have to become involved. Hope it doesn’t happen like that.
We had a single aunt that all of us nieces and nephews helped out in her later years after my dad (her brother) and my other aunt died. She was financially secure but we had to take her to the hospital, visit her in the nursing home etc.
My husband has a brother and a sister also. His mom is still with us.
His brother is a functioning recovering alcoholic. He and his ex (mental health issues) still live together with two of their four kids, one of whom has health problems. They scrape by financially. I don’t think we would have to help out with health issues but if the sh*t hit the fan we might have to help a little financially. One adult child who is out of the house seems to be doing ok financially. The other is estranged from their mom and not in close contact with the rest of their family.
His sister has had issues but she is married with three adult kids, two of whom have special needs (one is autistic and unable to live alone). The other has health issues. They are doing ok financially. Husband is in the trades and owns his own business. Similar circumstances for us — I don’t think we would have to help our with healthcare but we might have to help out a little bit financially. I hope not much because we are ok financially but not rolling in it.
This recently arose in our family—my single brother had cancer. He was very financially secure but needed help getting to appointments, understanding the mds, etc. My siblings dropped everything and escorted him from hnl to Mayo in rochester mn and were there with him for weeks. He always had a family (or in-law) member md by his side for his weeks there.
They were very gracious about upending their lives for brother and would do it again for any of us. We are all very close and we’re sad that ultimately brother died.
I don’t know how any of us would feel about a sibling who had an addiction problem.
Not really sure what will happen with my nephew who is an adult but lives in a different state and has a lot of challenges. My BIL is currently helping him with them but not sure how deep his level of support if.
So sorry for the recent loss of your brother 