I became estranged from my siblings due to conflicts regarding caring for my mother before she passed away. I was the non local sibling and that meant that I had no say in their decision to put her in a horrible nursing home (I told them I wanted her to live with me) where she died during the worst of the Covid epidemic about six months later. I’m still angry three years later that she spent the last months of her life in a terrible place and in isolation.
So no, I don’t feel responsible for anything regarding my siblings.
My brother and his w are “different”… is a polite way of saying it. they pulled away from the family a long time ago. I have seen them very occasionally at a family wedding, but they were very difficult during our mom’s illness and death, and for the care our dad needed (my DH and I did it all, long distance, and we are much farther away than bro/SIL were) for 7 years before dad passed away. And it continued to be unpleasant, as he threatened the attorney handling the estate, starting within a few days after dads death, etc. I stopped sending holiday cards and birthday cards to them. It ultimately wasn’t worth the stamp. They have no kids but are financially secure.
DH’s sister is single/never married/no kids and we are close to her, though she lives far away. DH and I helped her recently as she redid her will/trust, so her money would go to her nephews (skipping our generation as we don’t need it and the other brother is amazingly terrible with money). The brother (known as the moocher) who doesn’t have a clue how to manage money, and stopped working (got “separated” from a government job many years ago, which takes talent, when he threatened to sue them for a hostile work environment because they actually expected him to work), thinks he knows everything, so takes no advice or help that way. Only wants help in the form of $, cars, etc. And his wife, who also stopped working eons ago, is a massive hypochondriac and has had something like 30 (many, probably most, unneeded) surgeries. Another is scheduled for next week. DH’s good sister stopped helping them a while ago, though she did buy our older s’s w’s (ie our DIL’s) car and had it shipped to the moocher brother a few years ago. My H still helps them financially (which they piss away) but at least DH has agreed to cap how much we give them a year.
Their oldest son is on the spectrum. He has a college degree but they have again rebuffed all of DH’s offers of assistance and the grown son lives with his parents and has never worked a day in his life. And they tried to get social security disability, but, like virtually always, were denied first go round, but then never pursued it further. Its sad. The other 2 nephews (brothers of the one on the spectrum) are employed. The youngest has emotional issues and lives with the middle son. The middle son knows all this will fall on him when their parents pass away (and sadly they have made NO arrangements for what will happen to the oldest son when they die). My H is a softie and I fully expect we will be needed to help more at some point. Its just a matter of when. I am more comfortable helping the nephews when that is needed. But we are not spring chickens, so we will see what that will mean (other than $).
I believe the personal history between people always has a role in how much people feel willing/able to make sacrifices to help others. All of us are living our lives the best we can and have to weigh how much changes will affect others we are involved with—spouse, kids, parents, grandkids, etc.
I am fortunate all my siblings are fiscally responsible and comfortable so no one is asking anyone else for any handouts. That would be awkward and affect the relationship.
My siblings and I have been involved in each other’s lives at various times. My older never-married brother had very serious mental health issues. We were involved in finding him when he disappeared; he lived several states away. After that, my youngest (divorced) brother asked him to come stay with him, halfway across the country. That brother had his own issues, and another brother gave him money for rehab. The rehab didn’t help, and he OD’d and died. Older brother found him, which didn’t help his mental health. Two brothers helped him move back near the remaining three of us. Older brother had a few minor crises we helped with and a couple hospitalizations during which we visited with him. Six years ago, he had a stroke. Other two brothers and I were involved in his healthcare and his rehab. He was a hoarder, and we cleaned out his apartment while he was hospitalized. We started making plans for assisting him after he completed rehab, but he had a second stroke and passed away.
Remaining two brothers are twins, one married & one never married. I suspect that the unmarried one will lean more on his twin than on me if he needs help in the future, but I have told him that I will always be there for him. His response is that he will go into the woods and never come back, but at least he knows that he has siblings who will help in any way we can. His twin has a wife, kids & grandkids that would never leave him without assistance.
I had two brothers, one no longer living. My close-in-age brother lives near me and occasionally texts me about his various illnesses, very little back-and-forth there and he has caused much heartache and conflict with my very small extended family over the years. I keep in touch because he’s the only remaining member of my family of birth. He knows how to work the system here in NYC and I don’t think he would ask me for financial support. If he did, I am not sure what I would do–I don’t have much, and what I have, I need so as not to be a burden on my daughter and son-in-law.
My baby brother was a real character, in ways good and bad. Starting before kindergarten, he always attracted friends. He was a terrible husband to my sister-in-law but she took care of him at the end, for which I am profoundly grateful. He had three daughters, one by another woman (who is also my friend!) and I am close to all three, though from a distance since they live far away.
Although my brother could be an awful PITA, I took care of his needs the best I could when he came to NY for treatment that was not available where he lived. It was really tough because during the final four years of his life coincided with the final three years of my father’s and stepmother’s life whose care I managed (to say nothing of my daughter’s high school years. But my dad died in 2014 and brother in 2015 (on my middle niece’s birthday ). I miss texting with him–between politics USA since 2016 and the pandemic, we would have had plenty to text about.
I have three siblings. They all have spouses and adult children to take care of them if needed. The most I’d be able and willing to do is to help them get into a medical facility or sign up for Medicaid if needed.
We talk from time to time, though are not what I would consider close. That bridge was burned several years ago when I was floundering, in crises mode really, and really needed someone to talk with and none of them cared to be that person. I didn’t need financial help, I didn’t have to have an in person presence, an occasional phone call would have worked, and it was crickets.
My brother and I are not close and are as polar opposite as 2 people can be. He had a massive stroke in his 40s last fall. Never been married, no kids.
He is now at a care facility 10 minutes from my house. Last night I buzz cut his hair, shaved his beard (and his ear hair), had him clean out his ears, cut his toenails and fingernails, took a foot scrubber/buffer to his feet, cleaned out between his toes, and slathered him up with lotion.
He has expressive aphasia but does say some words and seems to understand quite a bit. Therapies are working with him and he is regaining some movement of his affected leg (but we dont expect anything from his arm/hand). He calls people just to hear them talk even though he cant say much. I can’t have him looking like crap.
Eta: (yes im a nurse so this is second nature to me.)
I have two brothers. One is married, no kids, financially secure. The other is an alcoholic whose disease has ruined his life. I have some responsibility for that second brother now. As he ages, I expect it will become greater.
I have two sibs. One widowed, no kids, has had health and financial issues, but seems to be doing better with both. Fingers crossed on that. Care about him, though we don’t have much in common.
Other never married, no kids. Living independently for now, but very precarious health and financial. This is a constant worry for me. We are very close.
I worry about my best friend, who lost her younger brother to pancreatic cancer recently. She never married and has no relatives anywhere nearby. She has a partner, but he’s older and doesn’t take care of himself. It’s likely that BF will end up on her own and in need of care. Ugh. I think there’s a chance my kids would help her, because she’s always treated them well.
Just a few months before her brother’s diagnosis, I was talking with the two of them. The brother never had kids, so he was wondering out loud what would happen when he and his wife were old. Sadly, he didn’t get the chance to be old.
My sister and I don’t have a close relationship, although I’ve been working really hard this past year at being more cordial and open while my siblings (also have a brother) and I care for our mom. I live 3+ hours away while they are in town.
Sister was diagnosed this week with cirrhosis. Next week, dh and I are going up there for several days to take a shift with mom. My sister implied that she wants me to go back the following week to drive her to her EDG. I feel a little guilty that I’m not going to do it. Hence, the question. She lives with a 35yo son who is on the spectrum but has an AA degree and is employed and drives and there’s no reason that he couldn’t take her. I just really worry that she wants to draw me in to more of her medical stuff. I don’t want to take that on.
I think your decision sounds reasonable. But… depending on son’s job it may not be so easy for him to take off. Perhaps you could help research local services available to help them. You are a might good researcher
One of my brothers was a raging alcoholic who never hit bottom. Was dx’d with inoperable stage 4b cancer that was triggered and exacerbated by tobacco and alcohol. He didn’t quit. Passed away suddenly two weeks before covid began. The rest of us siblings had stepped away from his problems after several interventions and focused on giving his two young adult children our support. He blew up two marriages with his drinking and the behavior that came with it. We could not be responsible for him. He was drunk at his D’s wedding and my youngest sister found his other booze stash post-mortem in the shrubs in my dad’s backyard, where my brother had been staying in his last two months. Dad still believes my brother was sober.
My other sibs are ok financially, but not great. Two of them have almost nothing saved for retirement. At least they all have health insurance now. My late brother refused to get it. If one of my surviving sibs or H’s brother had a major medical issue, we would help.
My parents heavily subsidized my middle sister for many years. That experience was sufficient for the rest of us to avoid that potential scenario ourselves. H and I would be far more likely to help our nieces and nephews if they needed something (i.e., car repair, money for textbooks, help with supporting a kid’s sports/school activity). It would help my siblings indirectly while avoiding the sibling politics, and we know it’s hard for young adults to get launched and raise kids these days.
Funny, I have given this topic many thoughts. My sister has had health issues for years, and is an artist. She still sells at weekend craft shows. She makes very little money. Last year, I bought her a used car. I decided that I will send her $1000 or $2000 each month. I don’t want her to have to ask for money.
Oh yes, my parents helped her out for years. I gave up asking them to help her get disability, SSI.
When a person has multiple health issues, it can be VERY difficult to qualify for ANY benefits. My loved one has medical issues and at the SSD hearing, the consensus was she could not qualify for ANY job in the US due to medical limitations. Nonetheless, she did NOT qualify for any benefits because there was inadequate proof and documentation that she was that disabled before she was 22 years old.
It is very tough falling through the huge gaps in our US system where one doesn’t qualify for benefits but can’t make a living. It is a great kindness for folks to help when they can in such situations where the problem is not due to lack of effort of the individual.
My brother was always pretty independent. He borrowed money from my folks to buy a house, but paid them back. When they passed away, I told him to keep all the proceeds from the sale of their properties. He and his family needed it. Also, he lived near my parents and took care of them. I miss him. He was my only sibling and he passed away last month. Because he lived in the midwest and I live in New England we didn’t see each other very often. However, we called or texted one another every week. Two years ago, my brother retired and moved to Arizona. He absolutely loved it. Every time he’d call he’d tell me how happy he was that he never had to shovel snow or clear the ice from his car!! He passed away in his sleep (unexpectedly). My SIL is a difficult person and always has been. I would have had a different memorial service/event for my brother, but it wasn’t up to me. I did realize something that about my SIL that escaped me (and I’ve known her for 40 years)–I’m pretty sure she’s on the autism spectrum.
My sib has been on SSD ( think, it’s whatever SS disabilty is) for the last twenty years or so. She had to be on that for a year, I think, before Medicare kicked in (not Medicare age but that’s how it works). She can’t live on the payments. Ran through retirement savings, then lived with Mom, then we had all proceeds after Mom passed go to her. The problem with that is that the modest savings left disqualify her for all kinds of aid, and she’s going to run out of them eventually. And again, can’t live on just disability.
Ugh so frustrating. Now people can keep assets in an ABLE account and they don’t count against your eligibility. But at this time, you have to be under the age of 26 when classified as disabled to qualify. That age is about to change, I think 46.
). I miss texting with him–between politics USA since 2016 and the pandemic, we would have had plenty to text about.