Even so, ABLE accounts can’t $100,000, which isn’t really enough to fund the gap in the amount people can get in benefits and what loved ones may prefer they can live on.
It is very frustrating. She’s over the age for sure. We, and Mom, were not educated enough on all the ramifications, and I think we could have made better choices (maybe not have the inheritance go to her, but other sibs and I use ours to help her), but what’s done is done.
We were sort of hoping Mom, with a good pension, would live forever, but unfortunately that was not a feasible plan.
I assume it’s too late to set it up in a special needs trust, but if its legal, maybe she could gift $ (whatever the lifetime max is) to you and your remaining sibs that you could then put in an account that you would use for her, and maybe her assets could be below the threshold and qualify for aid? Don’t know if that is doable or how much she has, but it might be worth exploring
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Caring for my parents with dementia led me to conclude my brother is also on the spectrum. It has been a disaster, and far too much to go into now. But truly awful, and it has ripped us apart.
3 years ago, I took him in and he lived with us for 6 months for free (of course) just after his divorce. So yes, I would be there for him. He however was not there for my parents or I, so much so that a court removed him as POA, co-trustee etc. And he won’t talk to me. Most of his life is a disaster except professionally – he is a successful doctor.
I wonder if we need to rethink how we approach people in our lives.
I used to be frustrated by the behavior of friends and mostly relatives.
Now I wonder how many of them struggle with undiagnosed maladies. From ADD to being on the autism spectrum. I think there are tons of functional and non functional adults who are neurodivergent. Because unless you were profoundly autistic when I was growing up, it wasn’t recognized or understood.
Not saying that it isn’t really really frustrating but now I try to think about how someone is neurodivergent instead of failing.
One of my own children was diagnosed with adult ADD. They were very bright, did well in school and never ever did the school ever think that they had any problems. We had the other kid evaluated for ADD and found that they weren’t. Although I still wonder. Kid who has ADD has a host of other diagnoses as they have suffered with anxiety and depression. Again, something we definitely missed.
I do struggle with the siblings my husband and I have. Because it seems that we are always the adults in the room and they are always the ones you can’t count on. Been a pattern. Won’t be changing.
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Alas no ADD/spectrum diagnosis for my living brother. Maybe borderline personality disorder but I am certainly too close in family history to diagnose. All I know is that he has the capacity to be incredibly mean. When I informed him of the death of our uncle, who had played a huge part in our lives growing up and into early adulthood for him and until his death for my daughter and me, his comment was: “I hope he had a long and painful death.”
Mental illness is definitely under diagnosed and understood. Part of what I was clumsily trying to say.
Sorry your brother is so mean. His comment seems so inappropriate. Why comment about a relatives death?
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I think I am going to text my sibs right now and tell them how much I appreciate them!
I have 4 sibs, all of us born within an 8 year time frame. We have all lived within 45 min of each other for all of our lives. I would give any sibling a kidney in a heartbeat. I am particularly close with my sisters and was sad and kinda surprised when one of them retired a couple of years ago and moved a plane ride away. But…I found I am just as close to her. We text and when we talk on the phone it is like for 3 hours. 
One brother moved a couple of hours away and doesn’t communicate with the rest of us so much. Not sure why.
It is easy to be close and to say I would give a any one of them a kidney because we are all responsible, self sufficient adults, with pretty similar views and values. It could be very different if one was a moocher, crook, etc.
My younger brother (not married, no kids) doesn’t make much money, but is fine. But I do wonder about his retirement (he is kind of clueless about that stuff). He would be welcome to come live with us if need be. Or I would help him out financially, etc. Older sibs are all better of financially than me, but we’d all be there for whichever ones needs it.
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Your comment gives me pause. My sister’s son is on the spectrum. Maybe she is, too? But being on the spectrum doesn’t make you mean, right? She’s been outright mean and selfish toward me her whole life. If her actions were more benign, such as just socially awkward rather than malevolent, I’d give her more of a pass, I think.
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We on CC are, of course, completely normal and above average. 
But it’s interesting how many of us have “problem” siblings. I wonder why.
I hope that in years to come, my sons stay close. I know the older will always try to make that happen; the younger accepts his efforts but never initiates himself. They’re both gainfully employed and married, so that makes them fairly – dare I say it – normal.
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Yes it’s difficult. Especially when a sibling seems to harbor some resentment to you.
I find that empathy and low expectations help. I can be who I am. But also realistic knowing that someone can’t be the same to me. They are a flawed person as am I.
It’s taken many years of being a doormat to realize that no expectations is the best option.
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so, so true!
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As soon as you fall below $100,000 you start collecting benefits again. So you would be assured you wouldn’t run out of money. Medicaid benefits continue even if you’re over $100,000.
Borderline is one of the most difficult mental illnesses to deal with. We have a family member with that on my H’s side, and it is exhausting. I wouldn’t say it makes her mean, though she does lash out. But she is hardest on herself. I wouldn’t wish it in my worst enemy. (Okay maybe I would).
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H has an older sibling that has mental health and substance abuse issues. Other siblings are close by and they support to the best of their ability. H pulls the lion’s share as he is the financial POA. BIL isn’t a bad guy, just fighting his demons.
Years ago H helped his mom set up her trust. It wasn’t easy because of this complication. She stalled for years until he finally told her that if she did nothing it was the worst case scenario (he’d have a wad of money to misuse). Got it done. He got clean and moved into a senior home.
Mom passed and BIL is doing okay. H does feel responsible. The finances are a given. He took him to lunch today, but I think more out of obligation.
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@aMacMom — bravo for your H getting mom to do what needed to be done to put up some guardrails. These situations are tough enough but if there are some financial resources wisely allocated it can be helpful.
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It wasn’t easy because MIL wanted to be fair among her children, but eldest would need more support. Fortunately, she had enough resources to provide X+ amount to eldest (which will provide enough for the rest of his life). Other siblings were fine with the trust allocations being shifted for his special needs. Thankfully they all get along.
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Trying to be “fair” while meeting differing needs is always a challenge. I’m glad your mom was able to figure out a solution she was satisfied with and will meet the needs of the neediest (so the rest of you don’t have to).
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My 70 year old unmarried brother had a (fairly mild) stroke last April. He still doesn’t drive but still works full time (from home) although we all wonder how he manages this (always forgetting passwords, words escape him). We think his small non-profit is letting him stay due to his age and 40 plus years of employment.
He will be moving back to our home state next month after almost 50 years away. I took over and found him a place in an over 55 community in my town. He can’t make decisions for himself and is often short tempered (probably stroke related). My two sisters are close enough to help as needed. Luckily he has enough money to live.
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