Do you have a best friend?

Parent Cafe
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<p>And what does that mean?</p>

<p>I apologize, I am feeling low at the moment. The best friend I ever had took his own life about two years ago. I don’t know how to replace him. I am in many ways alone, and I don’t know how to fix that. I have now no friends with whom I can discuss anything of import, no friends with whom I can say anything and know that it will remain between us, with only our own best interests at heart.</p>

<p>So how? How did you meet your best friend? How does that happen? Because this sucks.</p>

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<p>cosmicfish, I’m very sorry for your loss.</p>

<p>I’ve often felt sad because I don’t have many close friends.</p>

<p>I think your definition of a best friend as someone who has our best interests at heart is a good one.</p>

<p>It’s hard to find good friends because I think they often just happen. One of my good friends was a colleague of mine at work. A second is actually someone I met through an online language exchange about four years ago.</p>

<p>Once we are out of our youth, I think it is hard to find a “best” friend because everyone’s lives become tied up in raising a family, etc. If we can find close friends who are there when we need them, we’re doing well.</p>

<p>I would say you are also not alone in wanting to make friends. Are you female? There is an online website, GirlFriendCircles, where you can look for friends of your age and interests. I actually met a new friend there about a year ago.</p>

<p>Do post here on CC. I find the sense of community here very real. People are very kind.</p>

<p>Edited to add: I see cosmicfish has posted here plenty, so knows already knows what I’m talking about re CC.</p>

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<p>I don’t think I have a best friend, but I have several close friends and I do different things with them. I agree that it’s really hard to get a best friend as an adult and I think part of that is that there is some sort of history needed for a bf. I have a really good friend, and she and I do things together, just the two of us, but I wouldn’t say I’m a better friend with her than some of my other friends.</p>

<p>I have figured out how to cultivate friends though. If I hit if off with someone, I’ll invite them to do something with me - picking apples, going to an event, or just out to a meal or maybe go have a cup of coffee/tea after a meeting. Sort of like dating. I’m not sure I really need a bff, but I know that close friends are important to me and I really appreciate those people.</p>

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<p>cosmicfish,</p>

<p>(who is a male & engineer).</p>

<p>You have such a wonderful supportive voice, especially on the grad school board. I cannot imagine how many aspiring students you have helped.</p>

<p>I am sorry you are feeling down. A former client of mine committed suicide this week, and I’ve been sick over the loss. I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose a best friend this way, unless they were physically ill. I think I would have a hard time letting someone else get as close. </p>

<p>I know you know how to improve your situation. You can pursue an outside interest, e.g. an acting group or fitness group. Perhaps plan a vacation with your wife. Shake up your routine.</p>

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<p>Cosmicfish, recently we joined a group that meets once a week to watch a video from a series we mutually choose. A learning video. Lectures. We are a group of 4 couples and we sit and watch the lectures and pause the video to discuss. It’s really nerdy and fun. Like being in a college lecture where you can stop the prof and chat amongst your peers re/ the topic, some tangent, the prof’s clothing, whatever. We have become friends. It has become a true touchstone in my life very quickly. I highly recommend reaching out to a few folks for evenings like this. The video means you don’t have to do small talk (6/8 of us are engineers). It’s an effort to get there (shy ppl and all) but once we get there it’s fun.</p>

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<p>Making new friends can take a lot of effort. A trick for developing new friendships that I learned from someone who did this with me, is this: Once you have identified an acquaintance who looks promising, invite him to a simple event, and then keep inviting him until it becomes a routine. It could be meeting for Starbucks every Friday, or a lunch every Tuesday, or a bike ride on Saturday mornings. You will need to take the initiative and be persistent, but over time it will develop into a routine that the two of you share and look forward to as friends. Good luck.</p>

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<p>I am sorry for your loss. DH developed his most recent best friend through coaching youth soccer. They met through sons’ soccer teams and scouts, both had coached sons’ teams and they continued coaching etc. They were not best freinds when the kids were little. As they got older and kids left they kept up with coaching and each other since kids stayed friends. As mentioned by Bay, they started meeting at Starbucks for coffee and soccer discussions and it progressed from there. </p>

<p>Look around at people you know who have a shared interest and go from there. If there are none, develop an interest and meet those people. It does take a bit of effort. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>Corny as it might sound but my best friend is my spouse. I would rather spend time with him than any one else and vice versa. It helps that I am a sports fan and enjoy history and he likes house and garden tours and we both love to travel. That being said, I do have lots of other friends, mostly met through my kids, the gym and various volunteering opportunities. Try Meet Up or see if your area has a sports/social league. You don’t have to be a great athlete to participate. One of my kids is on a kickball team and another is on a trivia team.</p>

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<p>cosmic, I’m sorry about your best friend. That must be really difficult.</p>

<p>I would say I have two best friends. One lives 1,000 miles away and in some respects could not be more different than me. She’s very religious, and I am not – that kind of thing. But we met at work and somehow made a connection. Our older sons were born a week apart, and going through pregnancy and raising boys together cemented our relationship, plus we love all things football and commiserate over the woes of the Longhorns and Cowboys (years ago, we shared the triumphs, too, but it’s been awhile!). We try to see each other once a year. Our relationship is really easy. Another best friend is local, and she can be a difficult person with whom to maintain a relationship. Again, in some ways, we are really different (she’s never married, never had kids, has unusual family relationships), but more than 20 years ago we connected on a really deep level, and, for me, it’s worth the effort and ups and downs to maintain this friendship. And I think I’m about to develop a third. She’s a little younger than me and so we are in slightly different places (she’s got middle-school age girls, I have college-age boys), but last weekend when she had a really draining personal experience, she called me to talk about it over lunch. That made me really happy. I can see us becoming closer.</p>

<p>I was having a discussion similar to this recently with my dh, and it dawned on me that I thought that things that come so easily to me, like making friends, come easily to everyone. He pointed out that that’s not the case, that it’s really a skill (we were talking about what I want to do when I grow up and what skills do I have that I can leverage in a future career). So I guess I would say that, like any skill you hope to improve, you practice. You get out there and meet people and start to identify those who share similar interests and outlooks. Eventually, those people with whom you could have a deep, lasting relationship will rise. This also has been on my mind because as of last month we have an empty nest, and I want to add richness to our lives.</p>

<p>I agree with a lot of what everyone else has said. When you find “the one,” in some ways it’ll be really natural and easy. But sometimes you have to do a lot of work to meet people so that you can FIND the one. Thinking of it like dating and kissing a lot of frogs before you find your prince. One thing dh and I have done (sometimes separately and sometimes together) is getting involved in a local political movement. I’m not trolling for new bffs, but at the mtgs I’ve been to I’ve met many fun people who obviously have at least one thing in common with me, so this would be fertile ground. What are some things you are interested in or always wanted to try? Join a cycling club or a Toastmasters group or kickball league – whatever floats your boat. When you are happy and engaged in an event with others, good candidates for a bff will present themselves.</p>

<p>Good luck, cosmic! This loss seems to really have affected you, and it might be worth it to talk to a therapist short-term to work through some of it.</p>

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<p>Recently lost someone very important to me. I take great comfort in small interactions- the moments when you connect, whether it is strangers or random people you have a vague link to (work, church, neighborhood, that cashier, etc,) no matter how brief. (The “kindness of strangers.”) Sure, we need more. But sometimes, recognizing the bits is important. Slowly, you build a platform that allow you to broaden. </p>

<p>Joining- which sometimes sounds awful- does help. Volunteering. Figuring out what you can share. At first, not looking for the equation, just looking to do something good. I really hope you can take some first steps. More people than you realize go through the downs. It is so often masked, that we don’t see it. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>Cosmic, I think most guys actively have to be doing an activity to spend time together. </p>

<p>So I think you have to figure out what you would like to do and then find some guys who are already doing it or who want to start doing it.</p>

<p>For my H it is golf. A few guys going to a different public course every Saturday. He lives for Saturdays. It is the only thing he really looks forward to. For my son it is video games, music and working out.</p>

<p>Neither one shares his feeling with anybody. I did ask my H about that and he stated he doesn’t see the point. He just doesn’t want to talk about crap…he would rather do something to forget about it for awhile. Some guys are just like that.</p>

<p>I hate being lonely. I like being alone but I hate being lonely. I need to work harder at getting together with people.</p>

<p>When the kids grew up and moved out it became really lonely. But other friends were going through it and we eventually came together.</p>

<p>Hang in there. Force yourself to go…do.</p>

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<p>Cosmic–so sorry about your friend. I have two best friends made many years ago and a couple good friends. It takes some real “work” to make new friends but it should be fun. You need to find people with common interests which is why “join a club” is always the advice. Or volunteer. Or play a sport. Friendships must be cultivated with some time spent together (dinners, events). Hopefully, you’ll find a friend with whom you feel safe talking about important life issues.
I’m guessing perhaps women have it easier–they find it easier to talk about themselves and their problems (maybe we just have more universal problems).</p>

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<p>Thank you all for the comments, support, and advice. Muddling through, for now, some days it’s just harder than others.</p>

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<p>No, I do not.
Other than my husband, sisters, mother and daughters, I simply don’t trust people enough to let them get that close . I have been burned more than once. I have some casual friends that I intentionally keep an arms length away. It is a lonely way to live , but in some ways better than being let down.
Even as recently as this summer , a supposed " friend " mocked me over a health problem I have which sometimes affects my breathing. She was visiting my place of business and when I left, she openly joked about it. The irony is, shortly after this happened, her husband was diagnosed with a heart issue and had to have bypass surgery</p>

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<p>I don’t mesh well with the natives where I now live, and get along better with the other transplants like myself who have moved here. But I have no best friend save my spouse. For half of my life I always had one or two best friends and if one disappeared it seemed a new one always came along.</p>

<p>Once your kids leave high school you realize your relationship with most of the other parents was held together mainly by school or sports activities etc. </p>

<p>I tried contacting old best friends, but some don’t want to be found. The problem for me is they now live thousands of miles away. I guess if I really wanted to get in touch with them I’d call them and maybe Skype sometime?</p>

<p>Good Luck!</p>

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<p>I’m sorry for your loss, cosmic. It’s never an easy thing, especially if you’ve known the person for a long while. </p>

<p>I’ve recently had a blow out with my best friend, and I really don’t think we’re going to make up this time. This guy has been my best friend since elementary school and has been my everything. He helped get me through my father’s death and he promised he’d always be there for me, yet now we’re not talking because I focused on work and school over him and flat out told him we should focus on our own lives when he got fussy about it. He unfollowed me on Twitter (gasp, I know), and I haven’t seen him in 3 months when I’d see him at least twice a week. It hurts, and even though it’s partially my fault, I feel blindsided by a huge loss. </p>

<p>So now I don’t have a best friend anymore, but it’s alright. I’ll always have my memories of our good days, and that’s something that a sour text message or a death can never take away. You can’t take away what you had, and though you can’t relive it, you can always feel it and know the power of it. </p>

<p>It helps to stay busy with “lesser friends”, so to say. There are tons of people I see at school and at work who make me laugh and who make me happy. I don’t confide the contents of my inner soul to them, but I still have people who like me and who appreciate who I am as a person. And I’m sure you have those kind of people in your life, too! Also, that one casual acquaintance who always makes you smile when they walk into the room and who always makes you laugh at lunch might just be another dear friend. There are a lot of opportunities and hidden possibilities out there. You never know. </p>

<p>Keeping busy with work and any kind of social activities will ease the pain. Like with all deaths, it’ll never fully go away, but it’ll become bearable eventually. </p>

<p>Good luck, and know that you’re a strong and wonderful person. And know that you’re never alone! There are always people rooting for you and wishing you the best, be it your mother, brother, neighbor or even some casual acquaintance you think you hardly know.</p>

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<p>I’ve got my husband and 2 sisters whom I very close with and then a few women I do talk with/go out with, then a whole a lot of acquaintances. </p>

<p>I had a longtime childhood friend who died while I was in high school, then a few years later, just weeks before my wedding, my best friend died. I didn’t really let many people get close to me for a long time. </p>

<p>The way to make new friends is through common interests. Whether it’s sports, clubs, church, etc. Just being around people who like what you do, in a non pressure environment will allow you to build relationships over time.</p>

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<p>I totally understand, my best friend died two years ago this month. I miss her terribly. I have other friends, a great husband and close family but it’s not the same. We were in business together also. I know what you mean about not having someone to talk to whom you can say anything to and they always have your best interest at heart. The grieving is getting better and I have met a few new people and am active in charity work. I figure that eventually I will meet someone who I connect with on that deeper level, in the meantime I keep on going.</p>

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<p>Do you have any good friends, cosmicfish? </p>

<p>I feel sad hearing this. You are so clearly such a great friend.</p>

<p>What are your interests? Books? Music? Sports? Community Theater? Look through your old ECs. I have found a lot of good friends picking those things back up at the amatuer level over the years.</p>

<p>do you date?</p>

<p>Big Hugs.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry for your loss. I truly am. My best friend died several years ago and I miss her every single day. I cried at my son’s wedding this weekend as her girls were there with us and I was overwhelmed with how much fun K would have had and how much I missed her there. I do have another “best” friend in whom I can confide and she’s wonderful and trustworthy but I am one of many important people in her life. She is very popular and very busy.<br>
Finding a friend, let alone a best one, is a lot like falling in love. There is an initial attraction and non-stop conversation, etc. but after that, you might have to work at getting together again if you aren’t naturally in each other’s realm.<br>
Good luck.</p>