<p>Parents,</p>
<p>I was curious as to whether any of you have a favorite child. My parents defiately seem to favor my brother over me. There have been so many examples in history of parents liking one child better. I just don’t know what to do, they deliberately give him advantages I didn’t have. It is really unfair. What can I do about this situation?</p>
<p>In fact, I have <strong><em>SIX</em></strong> favorites!!!</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>…Me…</p>
<p>My kids would say that I love my dogs more than them… ;)</p>
<p>I gave birth to one child to make it easy on myself</p>
<p>though it will be funny if somebody actually gives an answer to this and their kid somehow finds out…lol</p>
<p>haha weenie is awsome if those dogs are huskies, malamutes, shepards, labs, or another random large breed.</p>
<p>RedFishBlueFish7~</p>
<p>Honey, look, I realize how very painful and difficult this situation must be for you {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}. Though I myself cannot remotely IMAGINE having a “favorite child,” I have observed numerous parents who HAVE (including my own parents), and I KNOW what devastating effects this can have on the whole family system.</p>
<p>I think that some parents pick “scapegoats” or “favorites” because for whatever reason, one (or more) child(ren) pushes his/her buttons and tweaks the buzz issues that were brought into the parent/child relationship to begin with. In addition, situations FAR beyond your control may have had some influence on this. For example, my oldest D’s boyfriend has been told NUMEROUS times by his mother that he was “NOT supposed to be here.” He was conceived as his parents were considering divorce, and his pregnancy/birth delayed the divorce which caused resentment on the part of his mother (and unfortunately, she chose to share it with him). For whatever reason, she was simply never able to get over these feelings, and now, she has basically trashed her relationship with her youngest son who, as of now, considers ME to be his “real” mother.</p>
<p>I think it is VERY important for you to realize that if your parents have shown this type of preference, it is NOT in response to anything YOU have done as their child. THEY are the ADULTS, and it is THEIR job (and IMHO, <em>PRIVILEGE</em>) to embrace each and every child with the same love and devotion. In other words, YOU are not reponsible for THEIR dysfunction.</p>
<p>That said, however, please also realize that try as parents might, they cannot ensure that each child’s experiences are made entirely “equal.” Financial situations and family dynamics change as new members are born into the family and sometimes, through NO deliberate doing on the part of the parents, inequities can occur which may, to an inside or outside observer, seem like “favortiism.”</p>
<p>Since we have six children, I have taken GREAT care to let them know that though things may not end up EXACTLY equal for many, many reasons, the love and care for and the devotion TO each child IS equal…and each WILL have the things we consider necessary and desirable for their future health and happiness.</p>
<p>I do not know the nature of your situation, and frankly, simply because of the way you FEEL, this situation should be addressed by your parents, IMHO. My best to you as you struggle your way through this most difficult situation…</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>When one of my kids exasperates me, then the other becomes the favorite… until he does something exasperating then the pecking order is reversed.</p>
<p>Seriously, though, I understand. My mother favored my younger brother, her last-born. Growing up, it was not always easy, though my brother did not take advantage of it and we did not resent him for something that was not his doing. We’re close (so to speak, since he is in France and I’m here).</p>
<p>Honestly… don’t have kids if you’re gonna’ divide them up like the Brits did countries notably the sub-continent.</p>
<p>
yep. ;)</p>
<p>
This is wonderful, marite, that you and your brother were able to deal with this effectively, but unfortunately, in many, MANY families, the favored ones DO take advantage and considerable resentment builds between the siblings. For that reason ALONE, I could simply NEVER have a favorite. It is not any more of a satisfactory situation for the FAVORED one than it is for the one who is discriminated against. Favoring one child over the others is an an EXTREMELY damaging and devastating dynamic in TONS of families and often, the fallout is considerable.</p>
<p>
While I TOTALLY agree with this sentiment, please remember that normal, imperfect people do not suddenly BECOME perfect when they bear children. I didn’t…and neither will YOU! ;)</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Mine! I love her wildly :)</p>
<p>I love both of my boys equally, different as they are. I may be closer to one at times, just due to personality or stages they are going through, but I honestly cannot say I love one more. I do not always treat them the same, however. We have spent more on our second son, simply because his passion (music) has required more–instruments, music programs, etc. I also was able to give him a little more time in high school, since his older brother was then gone to college. However, we have also helped our first son in some ways we didn’t help the second. We try to meet both their needs and give them all the help we can, understanding that their needs are not the same, and thus their treatment will not be exactly the same either.</p>
<p>When I was a child, my youngest brother had asthma when he was little. Consequently, and perhaps because he was youngest, he was able to get away with more than the rest of us. I always resented that as a child. Now that we are grown, it is all behind us. I can understand that my mother loved us all the same, but felt he needed more sheltering when little, and that she did the best she could.</p>
<p>Agree Marite—depends on the day!</p>
<p>Remember when they were little and if one was in trouble, the others would do something like pick up toys, dust, clean their room, etc in order to say “Hey, look at me, I’m the good one(s)”?</p>
<p>Redfish, it might be interesting to talk with your brother—I don’t know ages involved here? He may think you are the favorite. I know my own kids always accuse each other of always being favored or getting more priviledges than they did at same age.</p>
<p>MY kids are my favorites. It’s other people’s kids I can’t stand.</p>
<p>I think many siblings (I’m from a family of 7, so is H, and we have 7 ourselves) sense that the first child is somehow favored by the parents. I’m a middle child, and I thought that my mom and oldest brother were close, that she liked him best. Now that I’m a mom, I see that the focus on the first child may be partly because everything that first child does is new to the parents–from birth to first day of school, lessons, driving, first job, college applications, etc.
so the experience is a learning process and makes for strong memories/bonds.</p>
<p>The youngest child in my family also seemed favored by my parents–he was spoiled and “got away with everything” after the rest of us left home. He still seems to have a special relationship and a different way of communicating with our parents–and he helps them out a lot, too, now that they’re getting older. Redfish, it sounds like you are the older sibling, jealous of a younger brother. Maybe your parents just learned from experience with you and decided to do something else with your brother. (One disadvantage of being the oldest–guinea pig syndrome). Or if you are female, they might have different ideas for boys/girls. Or maybe they can give your brother more because they make more $ than a few years ago. </p>
<p>I love all my kids equally, but for different reasons. And they all annoy me for different reasons. It’s a personality thing. In the same way, though I know my parents care about me, I never had a close relationship with either of them–I depended more on my siblings–probably the middle child thing. </p>
<p>Some families play favorites to an extreme–“why can’t you be like your brother. . .” etc. (Remember the movie “Ordinary People”–Mary Tyler Moore as the nasty mother whose favored older son–the attractive, athletic, popular one–dies in an accident, but his younger, nerdier, less talented brother survives. . .)</p>
<p>In all seriousness, it depends…sometimes my Ds make me crazy,each in their own way</p>
<p>Well, redfish…how old are you? </p>
<p>And look at your brother…not knowing your personalities, sometimes parents are more lienent witht the “difficult” child jsut to keep the peace</p>
<p>Sometimes, its the older one, sometimes the younger one is the “baby”</p>
<p>Are your parents coddling your sibling, letting him do whatever he wants?</p>
<p>Is he older or younger?</p>
<p>We can maybe give you some insights with more details</p>
<p>IE What is he allowed to do that you cant
Are you “punished” differently
Is it financial
Who is older</p>
<p>Not that “loving” one child more than another is right, perhaps we can give you some clues as to what is going on with your parents</p>
<p>One of my brothers is nicknamed Baby Jesus. My mother adored him. He was the sort of toddler who would wake up in the morning and ask my mother if there was any jobs she needed done. Growing up, I rationalized my numerous spankings and punishments as the unfortunate consequence of living with a saintly sibling. My mother had no idea what the norm was!</p>
<p>Both of my boys accuse me of favoring the other.</p>
<h1>1 kid is step D, only D = love her best</h1>
<h1>2 kid is my first born = love him best</h1>
<h1>3 kid is baby of the family = love him best</h1>
<p>Love them all best in different ways 
Lucky me</p>
<p>My parents had 5 daughters; I was number 2. Number 3 died when my mom was pregnant with number 4. We always felt that #4 was loved a bit more – but never envied her for it; it seemed to be more of a burden than anything – The replacement child. We all seemed more interested in competing for Dad’s love, and I think we’d all like to think we were the favorite. Maybe we were.</p>
<p>My biggest concern when pregnant with S2 was that I loved S1 so much, I couldn’t imagine squeezing any more love in for S2. My friend said not to worry - our capacity to love was infinite, and loving one doesn’t need to take away from another - it just expands. She was right. Like SBmom (loved your post), each of my kids has a niche. I do make a conscious effort to be aware of time or money or expression, so as to avoid any appearance of it, but I believe firmly that each of my kids knows I love the others, but is also secure in his/her own place in the family.</p>
<p>When they were younger, the inevitable “That’s not fair!” feelings would surface. I always replied calmly, “But of course, that’s because I love him/her more.” The complainer would instantly reply, “You do not!” It seemed to carry more weight when they arrived at that conclusion themselves. </p>
<p>We also played the riddle: I love S1 more than S2; I love S2 more than D; I love D more than S1. After a moment of dismay, lightbulb would ignite, and kid in question would say, “hey!” Then they would set about figuring out how the statement could be true. They all seemed to enjoy the verbal reminders that they each had strengths we enjoyed, but we didn’t love them because of any particular attribute, but only because they were ours.</p>
<p>To the OP, I would suggest a couple things. First, talk to your mom (or dad) abut what you feel is unfair. You might find out that they acknowledge you less because they think you don’t need the support. We parent our kids differently because they are individuals. You might not get treated like your sibling because you aren’t your sibling!</p>
<p>I asked my mom why sister 4 got something and I didn’t, and she replied, “She needs it. You don’t.” She was right, and I felt bouyed by the fact that my mother recognized a strength about me.</p>
<p>Second, ask your parents what they see as your strengths. Perhaps they don’t tell you things because they think you know it already, or don’t want to “inflate your head.” When my oldest was young, he presented a school project to me with the statement, “Tell me any compliments you might have.” He meant “comments,” but the malaprop was an appropriate reminder! Sometimes we have to let people know what we need to hear.</p>
<p>Third, if, in fact, the partiality is true, and not just “felt” - then move on. You’re of an age that it’s time to start becoming your own person, and not someone’s child or sibling. Do not define yourself based on other people’s perception of you - it will be a rollercoaster your entire life if you do.</p>
<p>In reality, we don’t love everything or everyone exactly the same way. I know people always say they love their children equally, and my feeling is that what they are really saying is that they love their children differently.</p>
<p>Some kids are easier to love than others, because temperamentally, they “fit” in the family better. I have seen kids who need very structured lives struggle in a family of free spirits. Likewise, a shy child of outgoing parents often has trouble. The parent tends to gravitate, even unconsciously, to the child who is easier to parent, or more like them.</p>
<p>I don’t think this is necessarily “favoring” one child, but it is caring for them differently. And even in families where there is clearer favoring going on, most parents would deny it anyway (this is just a psych/soc general phenomenon; not affiliating this idea directly to any poster here).</p>