<p>I would agree that I love my two differently. They are such different people that there is no way I could love the same things about them.<br>
I will always love them both to pieces. I think it is normal to feel more for one than the other at times. It just depends on which one is turning my hair gray at the moment.</p>
<p>My sister and I are very different, and i always felt that my mother loved us for our differences and we were equals even though Mom had different “favorite” things about each of us. The older I get, the more I appreciate that.</p>
<p>Now, as a parent, I only have one so it’s easy to have a favorite with no guilt! Sometimes I wonder how we could ever love another child as much as we love him–but my Mom told me once they wondered the same thing before they had me. And then I was born and it was like I was the missing piece they’d needed all along.</p>
<p>Well, I’ll start off by saying that I’m the favourite. ;)</p>
<p>Truth be told, my parents love all of us, but I can see how any of us would feel “left out” or disfavoured. Mostly comes from (or seems to come from) the fact that, if you don’t feel like you have something special to offer, or stand out in some way, then you feel like the parents like everyone else better.</p>
<p>I’ve also seen this with my parent’s families - and my parents have made a conscious decision to not replicate what they went through as children. I do see grown adults who are sometimes almost reduced to tears because their parents simply favour the other children. It can tear you apart when all of yoru success, happiness, and accomplishments matter little in the eyes of your parents, because one of your siblings can tug on their heartstrings in ways that you cannot.</p>
<p>Everytime I talk to my D on the phone I say hey, how’s my favorite child? She responds, mom I am your only child.</p>
<p>But seriously as child # 7 out of 10 kids, I agree with the other parents that the love for your kids grow and I think that parents do love their kids differently according to what each particular child needs. What I say in my own home is that we are all different. </p>
<p>I used to think that my parents treated my eldest brother and sister like first borns who could walk on water and created the water they walked on. My youngest brother and sister were the babies of the family and we thought that they got all of the attention. Some of my siblings are very independent, go off and do their own thing and didn’t want or need a lot from my parents. I thought they were the favorites. Me, I was the warm fuzzy/sensitive kid who always brought home good grades and never gave them any grief. I always hugged my parents. If they were sitting down, I would come up behind them and kiss them on the top of their heads, sit next to them in the living room, lean on their shoulders and fall asleep. I laughed when my brothers and sisters used to tell me that they though I was our parent’s favorite.</p>
<p>Please remember that who you are makes a difference and I am quite sure that your parents see how very special you are and love you for being just that.</p>
<p>My sisters used to get annoyed because whenever they called home, my mom talked about me…who else did she have to talk about, the others had moved out, moved away, or were at college and mom was a stay at home mom. My now 60 year old sister mentioned this the other day; she finally realised that mom was just talking about what she was doing and what was going on in her life, not fixating on me. </p>
<p>It’s also weird to think that your mom or dad may tell you stories about your sibling, so then you think they are super proud of that sibling, yet, maybe they tell the sibling about you. Why would they tell you about you? But that doesnt mean they love the other kid better J</p>
<p>My oldest has always seemed convinced we loved #2 best, but really #2 was the time sucker…lots of activities .lots of medical issues…we just spent a good deal of time on that one. #1 also thinks the baby gets away with so much and is so well-loved, and probably the baby does get away with some stuff, when you are approaching those big decisions, you do experiment on the first kid and by the time #3 comes along, it is simply different, but mostly it is different because of personalities. #2 & #3 don’t even seem to think about it, but #1 still has some level of minor resentment about the other 2 getting unfair treatment, yet I could find many things we have done for #1 which the others could CHOOSE to see as favoring #1, but they don’t bother to look at it that way, they are busy living life and not thinking about the others as competition.</p>
<p>My youngest probably is like Sybbie, for years she just was under the radar, good kid, no trouble, it took a while to figure out her outstanding features and we were very sensitive to how easily she could be overlooked with two overachieving sibs. The baby seems to have come into her own, is doing great things in her life, in her own way…not competing with her sisters choices of accomplishments.</p>
<p>I think a great deal of it can be personality, too. Our baby could have felt she would never live up to the competitive standards set by the sisters, but she is content in herself and living a happy life, and I love it.</p>
<p>I am actually aware and careful to not annoy the oldest with wonderful stories of the others, esp. #2 because I do sense that sibling thing is there and it bothers her. Is that an oldest thing? Not wanting any one else to be better than you? Even just seeing it as better instead of realizing it is simply different, not better? #2 would be the CC type star, yet she does not strive for that, it is simply who she is and she is just living her life, but #1 sees. As a mom, I would tell #1 to ignore the sister and focus on living her own life with gusto, not comparing it to any one elses and that will bring true happiness and success.</p>
<p>Anyone have any “prodigal returns” stories?? My H’s half-brother was basically disowned and denigrated by his dad in family conversations all of my H’s life, then in their 20s/30s, he came around, no more of the bad choices and all of a sudden it was the prodigal returning story…very tough adjustment for my H who had essentially never heard a good word about the brother (they did not grow up in the same house or even town) and then “BOOM” "he is wonderful, he is my son, Luckily the brother is a great guy to spend time with and the two guys were able to get to know each other and become friends over time, but what a cruel thing for a parent to do…say nothing but horrible things (yet knowing inside the love they had for that troubled child) then completely wipe away the past in one fell swoop and expect every one else to forget 20+ years of only negatives.</p>
<p>I only have one child so she is my absolute favorite. I tell her often. I also tell her that she needs to get a good education and a good job so that she can support me in my dotage - she wants to know how old I have to be before she can put me in a home for the aged. </p>
<p>My parents had four children and definitely favored the only son. My brother was guaranteed an education - somehow the money would be found. It was not quite as sure a thing for the girls. We girls all eventually got where we wanted to go but it was more of a scramble. After all, girls are just going to get married and have babies so why do they need to go to college? :rolleyes:</p>
<p>We girls called our brother “The Golden One”. Even now when TGO visits Mom she makes sure to bake an apple pie and when one of us sees her we will be offered Pepperidge Farm cookies. I don’t begrudge him the title…he handled all of the estrogen that we threw at him with grace and he was/is a genuinely nice guy. I do resent the favoritism displayed by my parents when I was young. </p>
<p>My husband is the oldest and only boy from a family with two children. I see the same favoritism toward the boy as in my family and a bit more in the treatment shown him by my mother-in-law. My MIL’s feelings for her son are often verbalized in an almost over-the-top way…my husband is embarrassed by it. I don’t think that his sister likes it either. She loves her brother but as an adult has detached herself somewhat from the family. I don’t blame her.</p>
<p>I have three lambchops and love them all madly but differently. I would say at this particular time I enjoy my older daughter’s company more than the other two. She is 16 and is the most pleasant, even-tempered, genuinely kind person I’ve ever met. She’s also a talker. The middle one is a girl of 14 who is stupendously brilliant but needs to learn some humility in order to be enjoyable, but is interesting and astute as all get-out. The third is a boy of 7 who is the kissiest, sweetest, cuddliest little man anyone ever saw, but he is a boy of 7, with all that entails. Favorite? Depends on the day and the hour.</p>
<p>My mother said something very wise. She believed her older brother was the “favorite.” He certainly was the more indulged one. It bothered her, but then she said - ‘maybe parents love the weaker child more’. And in fact, of the two, she was the stronger, more focused one who ended up living a more solid & secure life. So maybe your parents’ favoritism is really a masked (and maybe unconscious) CONCERN about your brother. – Just a thought.</p>
<p>I think birth order does matter. I have four much older siblings who grew up together, took mom’s pressure off each other, and made memories. Then I came along and when I was old enough to be cognizant, they had all gone away. The siblings swore I was the favorite because I got away with more, but the reality is that Mom was just dog tired by the time I arrived and had mentally moved on from the parenting-a-small-child phase. Siblings would all say I was a spoiled brat and I would say I had the loneliest upbringing possible. I was also the one left when parents’ health started to fail and the one with too-old grandparents for the kids, so . . . there are two sides to everything, aren’t there?</p>
<p>Katliamom - I appreciate your comment and I can see how the perception of favoritism could really be the result of parents showing concern for a particular child. After years of reflection I have concluded that my parents were showing an old fashioned case of gender bias which was pretty common in past generations. It was obvious that they loved us all but boys were just more important to the world. I forgive them but REALLY…Pepperidge Farm cookies or fresh apple pie…come on!</p>
<p>I did not grow up with my MIL so I would hesitate to comment on why she behaves the way that she does. My husband is going to have to work that one out. ;)</p>
<p>My husband thought he would have trouble loving a second child as much and his behavior after the second really reflected that. But as time went by, he realized that he loved them both the same.</p>
<p>And what I realized was that his “feelings” or “actions” didn’t have anything at all to do with Child # 1 or Child # 2, they had everything to do with him and his maturity (or lack there of). In other words, if one of your parents seems to “favor” a sibling over you, don’t worry about it - it doesn’t have anything to do with you or your worth, it reflects more on the parent’s lack of emotional growth.</p>
<p>I don’t have a favorite, although I do have an “easier” S2 and a “more challenging” S1. But you know what? The easier one can be a pain in the butt, and the challenging one shows flashes of growth and maturity. </p>
<p>I thank God for both of them and their personalities, and the things I’ve learned as a result. If my S2 had been my only child, I could have become convinced that it was my wonderful parenting. S1 is there to remind me that even parents who try their best can have some pretty grim moments.</p>
<p>Great attitude amdgmom, I, too could have been more impressed with my parenting talents if I judged based on younger kiddos. Oldest keeps me humble ;)</p>
<p>I only have a D. But TheMom has got both D and me.</p>
<p>I have given thought to that question more than a few times over the years, usually after one of our three children has driven me crazy for whatever reason. But I have never been able to say, even in those moments of craziness, that I prefer one of the children over the other two. They are all so different, except for the times they are extraordinarily similar!! I love sooooooo much about each one of them, and appreciate their differences in such an enormous way, that I couldn’t live without any of them. They make me laugh, cry, yell, sympathize and pray–just not all at the same time.
We just feel very blessed that we have the three, that they have been relatively healthy all their lives, and that they are usually happy campers who are working hard toward their goals in life.</p>
<p>Oh, yes, I have to agree with every one else, each is the favourite at certain moments and each drives me crazy in other moments.</p>
<p>My mum & her sister were always compared to each other and I desperately hoped I would be able to have very different kids…boy do I! They are totally different in looks and totally different styles and completely different in attitude toward life and each is wonderful in her own way. I have learned a great deal from watching each of them deal with life’s highs & lows, probably since i was essentially an only child, I neve really saw all that sibling stuff close up :D</p>
<p>Yeah, Dad–and I bet I know which child is TheMom’s handsdown favorite!</p>
<p>So many differnt ways to view life! I always hoped that I would have children of equal ability–and I did. The boys have very similar talents and interests and that has been a great joy for me.</p>
<p>One of my brothers had LD and spent so many hours with tutors–while the rest of us breezed through school doing NOTHING. He ended up with a big bitter chip on his shoulder. Only one of my siblings reads at the same volume as me. None of them has my interest in travelling and art.</p>
<p>However, my boys do have differnces. One is a preternatural extrovert (thought he was 35 when he was 2) and one is reserved (which does have the advantage of stoicism). That is the major difference. Fortunately, my husband and I represent the two camps. While I struggled to bring the reserved one out of his shell, my husband actually loses his patience quite regularily with the younger one. (Some of his annoyance is clearly meant for me! :eek: )</p>
<p>As the oldest of six children born in eight years, I never felt my parents understood me. In retrospect, I don’t think they had the time to fret over me. Part of that inattention was liberating. Part of it was a pain. They still don’t have tons of time for me. Even today, they do not have time for my problems–which are insignificant compared to other sibling’s problems. If I pack a sad, they tell me that “you can’t choose your family;” ie “Get over yourself.”</p>
<p>Interesting point about parental attention as it relates to fortitude. Although I didn’t know I was the strongest at them time, my folks were very hard on me–and still are.</p>
<p>H is the 2nd of 4 kids. He was the best student of the 4, never got in any trouble and was always the quiet responsible one. He is the only one in his entire family to graduate from college, married (me!) at a young age and has made a good life for us and has never asked for any help from his family. </p>
<p>He is NOT the favorite. In fact he is probably the bottom of the list. He never really realized it fully until he was an adult. His mother is constantly dropping little comments about some great thing or another that one of the other 3 has done and even when they don’t do what they should, there is an excuse for them. On the other hand, she is always making H feel guilty as if whatever he has done for her is not enough.<br>
I had never considered that maybe the strongest gets the least attention but is expected to do even more than the others but that sure seems to be the case with H’s family.</p>
<p>I think the OP asked, “What can I do about it?”</p>
<p>I remember growing up that I thought my dad favored me and my mom favored my brother. Because we each had one parent that we felt was our “protector”, this was something that I felt, and observed, but I don’t think it dominated my life. If it helps at all to have some hope, I stopped feeling that way in adulthood–I felt that my mom no longer preferred one or the other of us, but felt close to us both. </p>
<p>Have you ever thought about asking them about it? Especially if you are not getting opportunities that he has? Certain of my children do accuse me of preferring one of their siblings. I really take the criticism to heart and it helps me to balance my attention and also be sure that they all have opportunities to pursue the things they love. Although the opportunities are not necessarily equal because their needs and wishes are different, I do think that they are all being allowed to pursue the things they care about. So if you have a comfortable relationship with them and you can challenge them without fear of reprisal, a direct approach might be best.</p>
<p>I have one difficult child and one easy one. I can honestly say I love them both beyond comprehension. The difficult one has gotten more hands on time consuming care and the easy one has gotten more traditional party throwing attention. I know they are aware of their place in the family as “difficult” and “easy” but I believe they know they are loved unconditionally by their parents/step parents despite their self acknowledged lables.</p>