<p>An interesting article on a related topic this week in Time:</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/07/02/siblings.tm/index.html[/url]”>http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/07/02/siblings.tm/index.html</a></p>
<p>Favoritism by a parent can be extremely hurtful. I am the least favored only daughter. I feel gender has something to do with it. My parents always valued my brothers more. They constantly gave them things that they didn’t give me…stereos, cars, etc…and always had some reason to justify it. Even their trust is blatantly and overwhelmingly skewed in favor of the “boys”. They want to keep things in the “family name.”</p>
<p>It is very hurtful and sad to be treated as an outsider in your own family. As an adult with my own children, I have made sure to reassure all of my children that I love them each equally. Though, like others have said, I might enjoy one’s company at a given time more than another’s company, I value them and love them equally and have tried to make sure they all know it. </p>
<p>Although the situation will never change for me and my parents, I feel I have learned to deal with it in a positive way by recognizing how painful favoritism can be and by making sure my own kids don’t ever have to go through what I have had to endure.</p>
<p>This is a quote from the movie “On a Clear Day” but it applies. </p>
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<p>I don’t know if this is true for your brothers, collegemom, but I’ve noticed that favoring a child–or filling their heads with false praise-- leads to a stifling sense of self-importance and an inability to give up the self-centeredness of childhood–two dreadful qualities when it comes to being a successful adult and parent.</p>
<p>The first brother my parents favored tested the limits of their patience until they finally demoted him. Too late to restore him to any real sense of his place in the world, though. He cannot shake the sense that he is above regular life and regular people.</p>
<p>The second favorite brother turned up with severe bi-polar illness at age 22. </p>
<p>The favoritism goes on. From birth, it was assumed that my children had my strength and self-sufficiency. My parents devoted their time and energy to the less privileged grandchildren.</p>
<p>My daughter was very difficult as a teenager, then left for college just as her brother was coming to that age. He was much, much easier and she has observed that I have trusted him and his friends more during these years, and have consequently granted him more privileges. This bothers her, and I believe she thinks I favor him. Her teenage behavior is still a touchy subject between us, but I would like to be able to discuss this “favoritism” with her.</p>
<p>And to be perfectly honest, I DO appreciate my son’s actions during these past few years. My daughter was destructive and hurt some people badly. So – maybe I do favor my son over my daughter . . .?</p>
<p>We are only human . . .</p>
<p>SuNa,</p>
<p>IMHO, you have nothing to apologize for in treating your children differently. They behaved differently, earned different levels of trust and enjoyed different privileges as a result. But then, I’m probably biased, as we played out the same drama in our house.</p>
<p>I would hope as your daughter matures, she will see her role in the family dynamics more clearly. Our S1 led us a merry chase during HS, but he didn’t seem to hold us responsible for the consequences of his bad choices. That’s probably why we get along well now – I sincerely believe his behavior wasn’t aimed at us. One of my more vivid memories involves shrieking at him, “Do you stay up nights trying to think of ways to drive me crazy?!” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when he looked at me quizzically and replied, “I don’t think of you at all when I’m making decisions.” It’s hard to take it personally when you don’t even factor into the equation!</p>
<p>Makes me crave a margarita just thinking about it. Oh, it’s only 8 a.m.</p>
<p>amdgmom,</p>
<p>Go on over the sinner’s alley. Its never to early or too late as the bar is open 24/7 and there will always be someone there to have a margarita with you :)</p>
<p>amdgmom:
I don’t have a favorite, although I do have an “easier” S2 and a “more challenging” S1. But you know what? The easier one can be a pain in the butt, and the challenging one shows flashes of growth and maturity.</p>
<p>You’re living my life! That’s exactly how I feel… S1 has been the difficult one all along… temper tantrums… volatile… stubborn… he’s the one with the LD, required A LOT more of my intervention during his HS. But yes, he’s shown great signs of maturity since last year, when he hit 17. He’s the one who now helps me see the light when his brother starts getting to me. And I credit him with saying the smartest thing anyone EVER said to me… when S2’s best friend moved to Australia… and he blamed ME for ruining his life, I kept screaming at him that it wasn’t my fault. S1 just looked at me and said, “Mom, it’s not your fault, but it is your problem”. Took 43 years for someone to make me realize that we have to sometimes solve things that are completely out of our control. Who knew my son could be that profound?</p>
<p>But seriously… I love S1 MOST because he’s MOST like me. His volatile temper is mine. His big mouth is mine. His creativity is mine. His perserverance is mine. His sense of community and altruism is mine. He’s the image of my dad… looks, build, personality. It’s a trip to see them together.</p>
<p>S2… he’s my baby (at 15 and 6’2" tall). I love him MOST because he’s LEAST like me. He’s what I would love to be. He’s quiet. Reflective. Introspective. Gives up nothing. He’s my mush… He’ll still snuggle with me… He’s the epitome of cool with his friends, but his crib blanket is still folded neatly on his bed. And he doesn’t care when his friends see it. </p>
<p>No, I don’t love them equally. That’s impossible to do. Sometimes I love S1 more. Sometimes it’s his brother’s turn. It may not balance on every day. It may not balance out every week, or even every month. But it will over their lifetimes. Each son gets what he needs, when he needs it, both materially and emotionally. Sometimes one is easier to love. But I always remember something I heard on tv once: when you’re children are the least lovable, that’s when they need your love the most. It will all come out equal in the end.</p>
<p>No, I don’t. I dislike them equally. :)</p>
<p>nymomof2- wonderful post. I can relate!</p>
<p>sluggbugg… well, yeah, that too!</p>
<p>right now I’m waiting for S1 to call… he’s at a sleepaway camp job, and its not what he thought it would be… he was off for the weekend for his GW orientation, and freaked at having to go back. He promised he’d speak with the directors this AM, try to work out the kinks, and call me… yeah… did your phone ring? mine didn’t. His cell is off… I keep expecting him to just show at the door, luggage in hand, telling me he quit. And he’s had a great relationship with this organization for 3 years. I’d hate to see it end with animosity. he’s eating my heart out. from afar. how typical?</p>