… when your kids come home for a visit from College / BS and then go back? I’m depressed!
Honestly, we love seeing D when she is home for breaks from law school. But when she leaves, we tend to sigh contentedly. She is really messy, brings two cats (who I think are adorable actually but come with their own issues), stays up late, sleeps in, doesn’t always clean up after herself to my standards in the kitchen, etc. So after a week or more of this, we are okay with her leaving. And then the next time she visits, we look very forward to seeing her, then rinse and repeat.
Yes, I do. My heart aches for awhile. Once, when my first left to go back after a nice Christmas break, I cried for awhile. It was his junior year and it surprised me.
My middle son just left to return to his second year of med school after 5 years of college and yes, I still feel sad saying good-bye even though I’m happy for him with his life’s adventures.
In a way though, I’m also glad we’re still that close.
Oldest son is married living farther afield and we don’t see him that often. Youngest is back living with us post college until he marries in two months. Then it’s still up in the air where they will end up (pending job offers, etc). When he leaves we will likely feel more alone even though we like empty nesting too.
DH reminds me from time to time that our objective as parents was to raise happy, independent adults. And we have.
It’s still sad, though.
There is nothing wrong with being sad about doing your job well. I mourn every time one of my kids leaves. This is part of life.
Yes. Also feel it after I’ve had a chance to visit her in her world. Sigh.
I have a hard time still with it when they are adults/grad students. Fortunately D2 is unattached and so far still loves to spend her grad school breaks with her mom. ?
yes sigh…
Yes. But I figure that means that we raised good, interesting kids that I like having around.
Yes. We enjoy the added commotion when any of them are home and adjust to it quickly. When they leave, we are always startled at how quiet the house is, and how much we miss them again. When my youngest S went back to school after spring break a few weeks ago, I didn’t want to get out of bed the next day. Luckily, the sadness goes away much quicker than in the early days of kids coming and going.
I just came back from a week of Spain trip with D1 and her new husband. It was a great trip, but on the way back I threw a fit before we boarded the plane because they were moving too slowly. D1 said to me, “It is ok Mommy. I know you are just sad we are leaving.”
I have a hard time seeing my kids go and I cover it up by getting into stupid arguments with them.
@oldfort , my DH does the same. When he is down, sad or depressed about something he is snappy. I get lethargic.
Yes. That is why I got involved in College Confidential- to help me adjust to the whole idea of his being away at college and talk online, instead of driving my son nuts!
Being apart is hard on both son and us. He is making a great adjustment to independence at college, and is having a wonderful experience, and we are so proud of him. But we miss him, and he misses us. He facetimes us almost every night on his own initiative. We agreed to visit once a month- if he was not coming home for a break that month, then we would visit for a weekend. I am typing this from a hotel near his college right now, in fact, since my students are on break now and my son is not, so we are visiting him. But it is a short visit. We took a nature walk and had dinner together last night, then he left to study for a quiz and then to watch TV with his friends. He will join us for breakfast, then run off to class, and we will make the 4+ hour drive back home. But two meals is better than nothing!
It is an adjustment for both parents and child when he comes home, trying to avoid falling back into old comfortable patterns. He is an adult now. We believe in him and his own decision-making power. We always encouraged his own thinking and decision-making, and he was independent with his schoolwork since he was a little boy, but we over-parented in the care-taking department and now we have to check our impulses and let him take care of his own health and self-care.
When he is happy during a facetime call, we feel good. When he hits one of those bumps in the road everyone encounters from time to time, and is less happy, it is especially hard to be apart. We just tell each other that everyone goes through those and he will be okay. And, of course, he is.
So yes, separation is an adjustment. College is nice because it helps make the adjustment a gradual one, as kids gradually assume increased independence and form a sort of family with their dorm mates (or team or club or another friend group). And there are vacations during which to come back home, and parents can visit, and modern technology makes contact easier than ever before.
But “letting go” is, for sure, a very hard part of parenting!
Yes. She’s leaving in about 5 hours for the last few weeks of her freshman year.
I am so fortunate that we’re so close. We chat/facetime/text all the time.
And she’ll be home for the summer in less than a month.
Probably what makes this easiest for me is the absolute certainty in my mind that this year has been a wonderful experience for her. She loves her school, loves the friends she’s made, and is positive that she made the right choice a year ago. She’s grown so much in the past year!
So, as much as I miss her, I know that this is the right thing for her.
I see both sides of the coin, since we have two kids who are doing well and one who will always live close by and need our help. I love being able to see the struggling kid a lot, but I wish he could be independent. It’s very bittersweet.
I’ve always just made a plan to keep me busy and occupied the day they leave. For instance yesterday, once they left, I stripped their beds, cleaned up their rooms, did a few hours of outside work and then went for a run. Helps occupy my mind until they arrive back home to their places safely and transitions me. I’m not a sulker! Then I wake up this morning and go back to work so the schedule is back to routine.
I think it’s a lot easier for those of us whose kids go to school or work fairly nearby. D2 is 1.5 hours away, so I know I can be there really quickly if need be, and the incentive on her part to visit is stronger because it’s not such an ordeal to get home for a couple of days. D1 lives across the country, so the visits are fewer and more far between. When she leaves, we know it will be months before we get to see her again. I think that makes a big difference to me psychologically.
Luckily, I’m still busy with work, or I think it would be more difficult. I don’t think either one is ever going to live at home again, and frankly, I’ll be lucky if I see them twice a year. This stage is very different.
I have an active texting relationship with both kids – sharing little funny stories or pictures – and that helps me feel connected to them. It reminds me of when I’d write letters or send a postcard to my mom back in the day.
I am very lucky that both live very close by–one or two miles away. Both like the area they grew up in and intend to stay nearby. H and I will retire eventually to a place about two hours away, but it’s a vacation kind of area that kids grew up going to and love to visit. I would hate it if we only got together in person a couple times a year. As it is, we can have impromptu dinners, I can babysit grandD fairly easily, take a walk with D, watch a ball game with S. etc. Really feel for those who are far apart.