@Nrdsb4. Are you sure my daughter’s not at your house? ??. Perfect description.
We are empty nesters with 2 in college and I gotta tell you. It’s not so bad. Yes, it’s always sad but as stated it very cool seeing how much they have grown and matured.
Both will be gone a. Major part of this summer also and my daughter was gone 8/12 months last year. But messenger works good. Have to give video chatting a go this year if they are game for it.
My daughter is also just 1.5 hours away and sometimes we just go up on a Saturday to go to the farmers markets with her then out to eat etc. So it’s not to bad. My son’s 4 hours away but when we go visiting both our families we stop to see him as well. (Yes, we take more frequent trips in to see… Family ?.
Seeing the wonderful adults they have become makes the process easier also. But it’s always a bit sad also.
Both of mine have been out of college and independent for years.
And I miss them a lot.
They have good adult lives going – with jobs they like, homes they like, nice people as romantic partners, decent financial situations, and interesting activities outside of their jobs.
But I still miss them a lot.
One year when both of them happened to visit us at Christmas (a rare event), I realized that I missed them even when we were in the same room. That led me to realize that what I was missing wasn’t so much the adults they are now. What I was missing was the children they used to be, and the roles we played in each other’s lives at that time. And that’s something that’s gone forever.
My daughter (only child) hasn’t lived at home since she went off to college 7 years ago. We talk and message every day but I still miss her. We used to joke about when on our last day together (whether I visited her or she visited us) I would start crying. I have gotten better, some visits I don’t cry!
You miss who they were and also who you were, a life that doesn’t exist any more, even if your current life is wonderful.
My youngest will be graduating and talks of moving cross country. That will be very hard. My husband’s family lived on the opposite coast. While we see them failry often, there was not the regular interaction we had with my family. Our kids are not as close with their cousins (except the one that lived on the same coast). The other two live closer thankfully. They are all boys so while we have a good relationship they are not chatty in the way many daughters are (a stereotype I know), so no every day chats or texts.
I have to say I really envy my friends that have their grown kids and now grandkids living nearby. I am not sure that will ever happen.
@momo2x2018: You know me from the BS forums where I have posted many times that I did not have any trouble with the first year of BS, but our son’s absence has gotten harder for me each year as he clearly needs us less and less. He graduates from college next month and is off to his adult life. All is as it should be, but that hole in my heart continues to enlarge as his time with us shrinks. DH and I have examined why we feel so sad in the face of all that is good and right in his world. Mostly, we are feeling what the transition means for us as we slide into another new normal. We know that he will come home occasionally, and we can certainly travel to see him, but without the given school breaks, we know that his presence in our lives going forward will be unpredictable. That hole gets a tiny bit bigger…
The way I handled his absences while at school was to sit in his room and imagine all the wonderful things he was learning and experiencing at school. Your child will not be missing you anywhere near what you are feeling. S/he will be too busy with sports, friends, schoolwork, and budding independence to worry about mom and dad. You may feel that you are missing a lot, but be assured that your child is missing nothing. Remember, it’s all about them and, sadly, not about us at all.
Hugs to you. You’ll adjust, I promise. Have another glass of wine and enjoy your quiet(er) house.
Awww @ChoatieMom really??? It’s all about them and not about you at all and they miss nothing?! Disagree!!
Varies from child to child of course, but I can say with confidence as I have heard it out of their mouths many times, my kids absolutely sometimes miss the days of being home as a kid and that security and still at their ages 22, 26, 30 miss being home even though they have good lives they have established!
Get busy making your life interesting too so that you have info and activity to share with them and MAYBE they have to track YOU down to find time to talk, text, visit - because you have created an interesting satisfying life too!
Hugs are always good though. From you to them, and them to you.
Someone here recently said something to the effect of “Your kids will always be the center of your universe, but you will gradually move to their periphery.” It’s true, it’s a bit sad of course, but it’s the circle of life.
Of course that quote doesn’t mean that our kids will kick us out to pasture and forget about us, just that we will no longer be their top priority, ESPECIALLY if they marry/find a SO and have children. That’s normal and expected. That’s why it’s so important that we have established our identity as more than just a mother or father.
It also has to do with the closing of doors in our own lives and the inevitable march of time.When our kids were little, our memories of being 10 or even 15 were somewhat fuzzy. But I fully remember my college and young working years as a time of fun and anticipation, and even stress. But the possiblities were endless. Now, while I have a great, full and happy life, the options are more limited. And yes, the moving to the periphery of their universe as well as out of the sphere of school, activities, and sports where many of us were very active took some getting used to.
I was older when my youngest was born, so his graduating from college leads inevitably into talk of retirement and, lets face it, getting old. I think if I were younger, it might feel a bit different.
I’m a photographer specializing in bird and wildlife photography for the most part. Come each spring, birds are out mating, building nests (I have four cabin-style bird houses that I made in my backyard), hatching, feeding, protecting from predators… Then, when the new-born is ready to fly, they simply take off. It’s the circle of life, nature’s sacred cycle of birth and rebirth.
Over the years I’ve become like these birds. I enjoy the empty nest and the solitude it affords, the most necessary nutrient to my being. When I see my kids revisit the nest again, I’m filled with joy. When I see them leave, I clean up the nest and my heart is filled with gladness.
Here’s Kahlil Gibran “On Children”
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
@Nrdsb4 , that quote was mine. Whenever i hear parents complain about kids not calling enough, or visiting (near or far), I remind them and myself it’s not that they don’t love or care, it’s just well, my quote. I think once parents embrace that, their feelings will no longer be hurt.
I’ve already told DH that when the kids get married and busy, especially if they move away, it will be up to us to make the effort when we want to see them. We plan on bribing vacations. Such as “we e rented a condo at “fantastic, wonderful place”, can you come out forvas long as you want!
And I will never, ever, ever make the same mistake as our fathers, “you never call”, “we haven’t heard from you in awhile”. It made us cringe and not WANT to call.
@TiggerDad , I used to read that poem endlessly when they were small. So much wisdom. It’s very bittersweet. Thanks for sharing, I loved reading it again
I’m lucky that two of mine have moved back to our area. Since my middle child graduated college and moved home we have had at least one kid live nearby. Where I find it hard is when kid #3 visits and she goes home. Also when the rest of us get to spend a holiday or Sunday together we really miss the third. I know she misses us as much as we miss her. It’s hard on her being the one not here. She would love to move closer. I don’t see the two who live here each week as they are busy with life but I know if there is a life cycle event with us or extended family they can attend.
@Marian Exactly! When my eldest left, it felt like I was kicked in the gut. But I was not crying because I wanted him to stay. I would cry harder if he stayed. Rather, I was crying because I LOVED being his mom and raising him. I loved that chapter in my life and now it was over. He is doing well and I am loving that too.
My youngest leaves in August and I know I will still be sad. But in some ways I am a bit excited. These last 3 years have been a weird transition period since our son drives himself everywhere and is so busy. It feels like an empty nest but I feel like I can’t move on to that next chapter just yet. And I don’t want to shortchange him these last few years either.
but replying to the OP. I was gutted when I had to drop off my son for the first time, but I quickly got used to the new normal. Now I have a hard time with transitions. I have a hard time when he comes back and interrupts my routine, but quickly enjoy his company. Then when he leaves, I get sad again. But, knowing that he is so happy and doing well and that there is nothing for him here helps tremendously.
