Do you help support your graduate?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My daughter came home after graduate as she did not have a job. As a family, we decided she should live at home to save money while job hunting. In August she was employed and making an fair income without benefits, but we continued to pay for her health insurance, car insurance and gasoline; nothing different from what we have always done. Now she may have the opportunity to move out of state for a job that may not pay any more that she currently receives and the cost of living is much higher. As my husband feels like this is a good opportunity, he is willing to help her out for a while to make ends meet.</p>

<p>I know people that continue to give their adult children an “allowance”, some that help out when needed and those that cut all financial ties. I don’t want to do a disservice to my children by always providing, but at the same time, if helping out allows them to further their career, is it that terrible? If a child knows the money tree will die at some point and isn’t a gimme kind of person, will it hurt?</p>

<p>Just looking to see what others do/did and how it is working out. How much help do you give and when will it end?</p>

2

<p>We help as much as we can which isn’t much.
Our oldest hasn’t really come back summers since she was sophomore- she had found jobs working on campus and enjoyed the freedom of living in a city with good public transportation ( which was part of our original criteria for college selection)</p>

<p>We do buy her bigger presents at xmas than our parents bought us- this past year we bought her an ipod touch for example, that I thought she could use as she is starting grad school & I just sent both her and her sister who is a college freshman a care package for v day with an itunes card etc.</p>

<p>They both are also still on our cellphone plan- but I have to remind my oldest that it is not an unlimited plan , we have the smallest family plan available.;)</p>

3

<p>I think the most important issue is that your children know when and where the line will be drawn.</p>

<p>I have a dear friend who has never drawn this line, and now all she hears is “you did XYZ for them, it isn’t fair you won’t do it for me”. We are not talking about buying a new Barbie, we are talking about children that are in their 20’s, parents paid for college, wedding, and in this case a home for 1 of the 3 kids (it was a wise investment). They are now so accustomed to the folks “helping” that they expect the folks will continue to pay their car payments even after they are married and have a child. YES, one child is married with a newborn and they are still paying not only the car pmt, but the insurance too!</p>

<p>You need to be careful not to create a false sense of entitlement. IMHO, they need to realize that one day the money spigot will shut off. If you don’t place parameters on why you are assisting and when it will end, you are doing more harm than good.</p>

<p>My mother allowed all of us to move back in after college, she assisted my sister in giving her the rent deposit for her 1st apt., she would stop by and drop off a few groceries, but besides that she stood back and let her succeed or fail on her 2 feet.</p>

<p>I will say his because I know of snowball’s DDs situation, I would have no problem helping out as much as I could for rent assistance. That being said the 1st time I saw her wearing a pr of Marc Jacob shoes, or that they are spending 100 bucks a month on manicures I would call the ball. Not saying she does that, but going back to my friend, they do that because they play the “well you did that for my other sibling”.</p>

<p>If you can’t afford to do the same for all of your children, than don’t do it at all. Regardless! If you do it for one than you do it for all…that is only fair.</p>

<p>We have a close friend that is married and they took a lot of heat when they were younger because the parents would give them a 10-15K check every Xmas, but not to the others. The parents did this because the other siblings got the same amt all yr through parental subsidies. Our friends made it without ever asking the folks, but the folks felt they deserved the same amount as their siblings.</p>

<p>Helping your child fiscally can also bring about negative family issues.</p>

4

<p>My husband and I debate this issue all the time. He asserts that he will continue to support my daughter until she is married. But he feels exactly the opposite with regards to my son. I feel that in these economic times, it is much more difficult for young adults to get ahead. I think we should continue to help as long as it is financially feasible for us.</p>

5

<p>My feeling is that if the young adult is putting forth his best efforts, then it makes sense to give a helping hand if you can if needed. For the OP, this seems to be the case. An entry level job in an expensive city may be something she couldn’t do on her own- but jobs are tough to come by, and it may be the best opportunity she has for awhile. I’d want to help.
In this situation I’d be likely to help find the living arrangement- since cost will directly affect you, and perhaps suggest she live with a room mate or rent a room in a house until she can afford her own place. You will definitely want to sit down and discuss costs with her and set the parameters. I see nothing wrong with it as long as the recipient is doing their part.</p>

6

<p>We are not at that point yet (no kid out of college yet), but this is one of my biggest concerns. We are working hard to make sure our kids graduate from college without any debt, and I would have no problem helping with a deposit on an apartment or providing a used vehicle for them to use as they start jobs. However, we have been very adament that we cannot afford to support them indefinitely and they need to be prepared to support themselves after they finish their schooling. If that means they live in crummy apartments with multiple roommates and support themselves waiting tables and clerking in retail stores, so be it. </p>

<p>Given this economy, I would probably offer six months rent to a child who was having trouble finding a job in his/her field, with the explicit instructions that the kid will have to figure out how to pay the rent after that. Two young relatives who graduated from college last May are still on the family dole, one because he has only found part-time work in his field (in which job prospects are questionable, at best) and the other because he is piddling around deciding what he wants to do next while waiting to take a big trip this summer. Both sets of parents are unhappy, especially since the kids still do plenty of fun stuff and haven’t felt compelled to take on additional jobs to make ends meet. In my opinion, neither kid is hungry enough. I think as long as the parents are willing to support these young adults in a comfortable lifestyle while the offspring are only working part-time or intermittantly, nothing is going to change. This is not what we want or can afford.</p>

<p>Retirement age is rapidly approaching for my spouse and I, and we are not rich. If the child is working several jobs and has cut back on all luxuries, I might feel differently about this. But both young relatives have had nice cars purchased and provided for them, one has no student loans, and neither are working on anything close to a full-time basis – because they don’t have to since their parents are helping pay the rent, living expenses and health and car insurance.</p>

<p>If kids choose to major in a field with dim job prospects, they should formulate a Plan B for supporting themselves while trying to get a job in their desired field. I guess I have a problem with young adults who think certain types of work are beneath them – and I don’t have much sympathy for parents who encourage this kind of thinking.</p>

7

<p>IMHO–Honest conversations about expectation will help all parties. Define the budget, figure out what the options are for cutting costs and explain that parental assistance is a temporary measure.
I graduated from college in the '70’s. The economy was not conducive to securing a job that allowed me to live on my own. I moved home. Paid for my food and some towards “rent”. I saved money to lease a car, and down payment for shared rental. It took about a year-and when I did move I felt I accomplished my goal-much like I did when I graduated from college.</p>

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<p>I think we had this same thread recently.</p>

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<p>Have you stated that to your children? </p>

<p>Here’s my problem with that premise, where is the line? Will you start giving up vacations because afterall, that is not as necessary as a roof over their head? Will you say it is over at 25, 27, 31? You may still be fiscally able to do this until they are 50, where is the cut off, until they are married, until they make enough that their spouse does not have to go back to work after having a child?</p>

<p>Where is the line? When do they become adults responsible for their own life without the parents checkbook?</p>

<p>If you can afford to do it for as long as it takes them, than good on you, but I have to ask when do you “cut the apron strings, or say leave the nest?” Dr. Phil, which I watch maybe 1x a yr said it on one episode, indulging your child is also a form of child abuse.</p>

<p>Assisting is one thing, but when you become something similar to a lottery winner that is a whole other subject. When that assistance becomes substituted for expectation, than you will not get sympathy because you allowed them to warp you into the belief that “you owe it as a parent”. 20 yrs ago, you graduated from college and that was when the folks check book ended. Life is just as hard now as it was then. Yes, there are exceptions, like assisting a child with a degree not making enough money to be living in a safe neighborhood, but the key word is EXCEPTION. I think we have lost sight of what that word really means when our children should be considered adults like how our parents treated us 2-3 decades ago.</p>

10

<p>In my case, I had to cut the apron strings myself. When I got my first job out of grad school, my dad was still paying for my car insurance. I pestered him about letting me transfer it to my account several times, and he was like, “No, it’s fine.” I finally called his agent, called my agent, and had the two of them cancel my car insurance through my dad’s plan and transfer it over to my own plan and combine it with my renter’s insurance. My dad got a much lower bill than he expected several months later, called me, and said, “Hey!! Your insurance got taken off my account!!! Don’t drive until I figure this out!!!” I said, “I know. I moved it over to my own agent several months ago. You don’t need to pay my insurance anymore, Dad. The deal was that you’d take care of it while I was in school, and I’ve got a good job now. So, thanks, but I’ve got it now.” He said, “Oh…”</p>

<p>He still insists that I keep a credit card tied to his account “for emergencies.” Changed the name on it when I got married and everything. I don’t use it, but if it makes him feel better for me to keep it tucked in my wallet, then I’m okay with just carrying it around. </p>

<p>Sometimes if I call him with good news, like a promotion or a new job, he’ll tell my husband and I that we should go out for a nice dinner and put it on the card… and then we’ll dutifully comply, foodies that we are. :wink: But then, it’s just a very nice present rather than “support,” and when he comes to town, we’ve got good restaurant recommendations for him. :)</p>

11

<p>I think it is important for the kids to learn to live within their means.</p>

<p>We have one with a full time job, who is completely on his own. He has a high income, and benefits through his employer.</p>

<p>We have another one in grad school in a very expensive city. She has health insurance paid by the school, and gets a stipend. She is very frugal, and manages to save some money from her stipend. She knows that even when she will be done with all her studies (in 10 years or so), she will probably have a modest income, at least for a while, and will have to choose a lifestyle she can afford.
We do pay for her plane tickets to come home on breaks (she could not come otherwise), but that’s it. I am sure she knows that if she suddenly was in trouble financially, we would rescue her - and I am sure this alleviates some anxiety.
So far she did not need any rescuing…</p>

12

<p>D’s in her first year of college, but we’ve already had explicit discussions that she needs to become self-supporting soon after graduation, though we will help with moving expenses, furnishing (IKEA-level & stuff from our home) an apartment, and helping buy some initial work-suitable clothing. And, purely as a gift, I’ll get her a starting kitchen setup of some key great pans, knives, and other tools she’s used to working with in our kitchen. We’ll also keep her on our insurance policy and pay COBRA until she’s covered with a job, but we’ve already discussed how important that is as a benefit.</p>

<p>I’m not seeing a lot of extended support after that, and I don’t think that she has an expectation of any. She already knows that her father and I lived in a pretty ratty and small apartment for a number of years, so we’re not inclined to subsidize the lifestyle to which she’d like to become accustomed. </p>

<p>I’ve also had discussions with her for a while now about why I like to set up utilities, insurance, and such as monthly automatic payments so that you’re not faced with a large bill at one time. </p>

<p>If we can (and who knows how our finances will look at the time) we’d like to make the offer to match whatever she puts into her company’s 401K/IRA with a similar non-deductible contribution to a Roth up to those contribution limits, and keep that up as long as she increases her percentage contribution annually.</p>

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<p>aibarr, your dad is sweet!</p>

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<p>Aibarr, your dad can pay for my car insurance ;)</p>

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<p>Thankfully, our '09 grad. is on his own and self-supporting.<br>
S2 is still in college. Not sure what we will do if he doesn’t have a job on the horizon upon graduation. We would let him move back home while searching for a job but not make it so comfy that he wants to stay!</p>

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<p>When we moved home after college, we had to pay rent to my parents. However, my parents put that money into an account and gave it to each of us when we got married.</p>

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<p>I was trying to find some really good points to highlight, but you made so many, I couldn’t delete any.</p>

<p>It’s a tricky, tricky situation. Eventually you have to come to the conclusion that helping is no longer helping, but simply holding them back from meeting their full potential. </p>

<p>“Necessity is the mother of invention.”</p>

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<p>That he is! I felt kind of bad transferring things over on the sly, and I know that he sees us in our struggling/starting out mode and he just wants to help, but darn if he didn’t raise an independent daughter. It’s very sweet of him to want to protect me from the big, bad world, but I’m just rearin’ to take it on. :)</p>

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<p>I don’t think he’s <em>that</em> sweet… ;)</p>

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<p>I expect D1 to support us, and her sister too.</p>

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<p>^ Now that sounds like something my parents would say.</p>