Do you help support your graduate?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>To add more to my original post- I really am interested to see what others do with their adult children. While I was a very independent child and young adult, my parents helped out even after I was married. My husband was in medical school and I taught school and tutored on the side. I believe both my parents as well as my in laws paid our car insurance as they were the owners (on paper) of the cars. My parents would purchase larger than normal gifts for birthdays and anniversaries; I remember one Hannukah receiving a microwave from my parents; these were not cheap in the early 80’s!! My mother would always buy way more that she should for us, to the point I was embarrassed with some of the things we had that other medical students didn’t and wondered if my mother was trying to buy our love. A very wise older woman that I worked with told me that my parents were doing this out of love for my husband and me, and that not accepting her gifts would hurt my mother. I learned to be gracious and accept the gifts and now know that there were no strings attached to the gifts, just my mother not wanting us to do without. </p>

<p>My brother on the other hand was very dependent and still expects everyone to just hand things over to him at the age of 57. He has had a rough time the last 12 years, but it kills me to watch my parents give in to him and hand over money to him left and right. </p>

<p>I believe both of my kids are aware that the money tree will end, but we are willing to help out where we can. For my daughter mentioned above, she was offered the job today; unfortunately the pay is about $5,000 less that she currently gets as well as it is an entry level job. She has already been promoted at her current job after only 4 months, so her decision is even harder. She has been sitting here for hours making a list of pros and cons and while the con list is longer, she still really wants to move. I am offering very little advice, trying to just listen and not let my opinion sway her. I would love for her to be able to more to this city as this is something she has wanted to do for a few years; I am just worried how she can do it on her own, the way she wants to do it.</p>

<p>I do know that if we help her out, which by the way she really doesn’t want, she will not expect this from us long term. When we were discussing this last week, she said if we could just buy her a plane ticket to come home occasional, that would be terrific, otherwise she did not want money from us. While my daughter can live without “things”, I do want to make sure where she lives is clean and safe. Yes, she can find a cheaper place is some areas, but I am not going to be comfortable with her out and about in the neighborhood in the evenings in an out of the way place. Maybe I am doing this for myself, but peace of mind is worth it to me.</p>

22

<p>We don’t plan on supporting our son when he graduates next year. We’ve told him we will help get him settled wherever he lands and help if he has an apartment deposit etc. We’ve been pretty up front about this with all the kids all along. We’ll pay for their college, but that the expectation is that they are on their own after the BA. We’ve also been pretty upfront about them not expecting to just “come home” after college. We’ll see what the reality is in one year, but that is what we’ve been discussing all along.</p>

23

<p>Maybe we are an "Old World"sort of family, but my kids are always welcome to come back if they need to, and we are able to help them. We will also help them if they are working elsewhere, and need help to afford a clean, safe place to live and a reliable vehicle to drive, or if they have medical expenses that are not covered by their insurance. I hope they will also accept some luxuries from us that they would not purchase for themselves, too, even if they are doing well overall. Fortunately, they tend to be frugal and interested in achieving financial independence regardless.</p>

24

<p>snowball- I think each family decides what works for them. Of the families I know I can think of at least 8 or 9 families off the top of my head who help their graduates with expenses. I am sure I know more but it has not come up as a topic of conversation. I think each takes the individual child into consideration. Many of the Mom’s are of the mind that they want their D’s living in an area that is safe. Also driving cars that are not going to break down. They also consider having health insurance as being important enough to pay for. One of my friends said she pays the health insurance premium as insurance to save herself money. She knows if her child needed expensive medical care and did not have insurance she would end up being the one to pay the Dr bills.
I don’t subscribe to the CC message of you are graduated you are on your own dime. I would let them come home to live for a period of time. I would not let them sit on the couch and play video games.
My FIL helped us get started. We would not be where we are today if he hadn’t helped with the first house and with start up money for our business. My Mom and Dad also helped when they could.
My neighbor across the street is from Greece. Over the last 10 yrs they have had 3 different children living at their house with spouse and young baby. They have made their home so they have two smaller living quarters on their property in addition to their main home. It is how it is done in their family. The young families save money to buy their own home. Grandma helps with the baby.</p>

25

<p>Snowball, my mom and in laws also helped out after I got married too. However, there is a difference in buying a washer and dryer as a house warming present or an outdoor dining set as a special anniversary gift and handing them the money for the down payment on the home.</p>

<p>My BIL (Bullet’s brother) is like your brother, my in laws have probably spent close to 100K over the past 15 yrs constantly digging him out, he is going to be 52 soon. The last time they helped him they had to re-fi their home which was paid for. He was well aware of this, but still allowed him to do it. His rationale is they are my parents they brought me into this world and required to help me. He does not see that excuse is insane.</p>

<p>That is why I mean when I say the line must be drawn at a certain point and stuck to. If you keep saying we will only do this now and then go back on that you hurt them.</p>

<p>Bullet as everybody knows was in the military. 3 times I lived with our 3 children at my Mom’s home for 3-6 months because he was sent away. I was thankful that she allowed me to come back home, and because of that I bought the groceries in the house, and I took her out to dinner weekly. I have many friends who did the same thing, but never thought of paying for anything, it was the folks house and they saw it as a time to save more money. Those are the same people I know who brag that they got a new car at 16, or their folks paid for their house. They never appreciate what was given to them, and now they are parents repeating the cycle with their own kids, difference is I get to hear them complain all the time that “their kids take them for granted as a checkbook”. One of my friends DD is getting married and believes that everything and anything goes, price does not matter. She is now having horrible fights because cost does matter and the DD doesn’t get that 100K for one day is not in their budget. They had never said no to her in her life and now at 24 they are forced to, hard to undo what has always been a given.</p>

<p>It is always okay to lavish upon your children, it is just not smart when they don’t appreciate it and expect it because you and your husband were so stupid one night to get pregnant ;)</p>

26

<p>Unfortunately my parent might have your in laws beat on the spending; they just can not say no and it is slowly killing them. It also affects me as I want to do for my parents, so I am now the one buying the expensive presents or trips for my parents. They need a break from my brother, but that will never happen until either he dies or he kills them first; don’t mean to be so blunt, but that is just the way it is.</p>

27

<p>We are dealing with this right now. Our oldest son is graduating from undergrad (debt free) this July. He is graduating a full year early. He plans to go to law school but didn’t take the entrance exams because it was evident until a few months ago that he could graduate early.
While he was in school I always told him he was on his own when he graduated and I would prefer he not return to live at home. Then the economy turned on all of us. Most students are finding that they need a grad degree to get a good/in their field job.<br>
He is going to be coming back home in August. We are talking about adding a bathroom to a small outbuilding so that he can be out there. We are telling him he has to pay for his own food and car insurance and health insurance. He doesn’t have to pay us rent. My husband and I plan to sit down and make up an agreement about what his responsibilities will be. I think having that clarity ahead of time is very necessary.
He knows he needs to get a job while studying for the LSAT.
Truthfully this is not what I had hoped or planned for but it is where we are.</p>

28

<p>I remember yrs ago thinking my older sister was the worst parent in the world, because she laid the ground rules for her kids, when they graduate they were on their own. I reminded her of the fact that my Mom paid for her to go to multiple schools to find herself and allowed to live at home until she got married. My sister said “that was the problem”, I never had to step up!</p>

<p>She held true to her convictions, she paid for undergrad, and when he graduated his gift was a leased car for 2 yrs, and his apt paid for 1 yr. He was in shock when he came to them a yr later and said my lease is up, you need to re pay. They said “NO!” He quickly got a part time job and found himself. He is now completing his Ph.D with UIC, and it was done all on scholarship. He rides the Ell or his bike because he can’t afford a car. They still support, but it comes in terms of her buying groceries on line for him, there is no stipend. He got a TA job, and that pays for his apt. </p>

<p>Sometimes you can be the bad guy while still being the good guy.</p>

<p>Our friends are shocked at Bullet and I because of the pitiance we give him for spending money. He gets only 200 a month from us. My opinion is your food is paid for, your school is paid for, your clothes are paid for, if you blow through 50 bucks a week in spending than you are just blowing through money for the sake of it. </p>

<p>We also have made it very clear to our children, we will pay your tuition for as long as the college says it takes to complete the degree upon entering. If they say it is 5 yrs, than you get 5, if it is 4, you get 4. I am not going to pay for you to party and fail. We have stated if you do fail an occasional course, we understand that and will pay to re-take it, but there is a difference of failing 1 course a semester and passing the other 4 compared to failing 4 and passing 1.</p>

<p>I make no bones about it, they need to cut their apron strings from us, and we need to cut them from them, the only way to do it is starting earlier than later if they want to be successful. All of our children are welcomed back in our home after graduation so they can save up to start their life. We will not place a time limit but, at the same factor if we see them spending 200 bucks on a Dooney purse every month, we will call the ball, and say you now will pay rent to us and it will be placed into an acct that when they want to move out, they will have the ability to do so without us signing a check.</p>

<p>OLD SONG…CRUEL TO BE KIND!</p>

<p>Again there is always an exception to the rule. I would be like many others, if my child was forced to relocate for a great job, we would do everything to assist to make sure they were in a safe place, but it would be a finite amount of time, and I would not do it, if I could not gift the same amount for their siblings at the same time.</p>

<p>My MIL once said you have 5 fingers, and you love them all equally, that is how you should be to your kids. No truer words have ever been spoken as a parent, too bad what she says and what she does are 2 different things. Those actions have not caused problems between us and BIL, but SIL has large issues regarding that theory and reality do not meet.</p>

29

<p>You have a lot of smart ideas, pima. There are too many young adults in sponge mode these days. A recent Newsweek article discusses young adults with Peter Pan syndrome who don’t want to grow up. Many need a push out of the nest.</p>

<p>We still help support my D who is a first-year med student. We are letting her use a better car that is safe in the snow and we pay the insurance. She is still also on our cell phone plan. We paid the deposit and first month’s rent on her apartment. I’m sure we will be helping with some other expenses re housing and car too. All the rest she is paying for with her loan money.</p>

30

<p>I can be as logical and practical as anyone on paper, but if my kid were in trouble, I’d be there in a heartbeat. What I should do and what I would do may not match.</p>

<p>However, so far it’s an non-issue.</p>

31

<p>Binx, you are correct, none of us know where the “rubber meets the road”. We all would be there in a heartbeat for our children. If we didn’t believe that fact this thread would not exist, the question is when do you call it quits?</p>

<p>I get snowball, because I think of her brother’s actions regarding her parents she is concerned that she is opening the door to repeat history. Just like Bullet’s parents have done with his own brother. It is always on Bullet’s and my mind that we don’t want to be his parents regarding any of our children. It is a thin line of doing enough and doing too much.</p>

<p>The question is where is that line, when do you say I can’t help you anymore? Do you say it when they are trying to accomplish their dream like bookie in Med school because you already paid undergrad? Do you say it when they are 25, single, leave their job to go full time for their CPA and ask to move back in, meanwhile you had planned to sell the house and move to a smaller home that won’t fit them ? Do you say it when they are 24 and married asking for assistance on a deposit to buy a home, and that means you have to sell your own mutuals? </p>

<p>Where is the line of what you would define as trouble, because in all of those scenarios that I presented it is “extreme” issues to them regarding their future.</p>

32

<p>Part of it is what my kids are used to. My sons are both very frugal. I was a non-working mom, and we had plenty to eat and a nice house, but not a lot of extras. We used to have to save for months to buy new shoes. They knew better than to ask for non-essentials. </p>

<p>My daughter, on the other hand, is spoiled rotten (- and I had fun doing it.) Youngest, born when we were more financially secure, and only daughter. While I may not be willing to pay her bills, I will probably always be buying her clothes. She is more fun to dress than I am. However, she has saved most of her summer earnings with the idea that when she graduates, she may need a car, or a downpayment for an apt., or even make a few loan payments prior to finding employment. She wants to go to grad school, but knows she’ll have to pay off undergrad, and save up, before that’s an option.</p>

<p>We have always been strong supporters of education. Helping our kids while they are in school, or helping them with loan payments after they are out, is something I could see happening, to help them get a leg up. Giving them a place to live after school, if they are in the area, is something I would easily do. We have a large empty house, and I miss my kids.</p>

<p>Once they are married, though, my sense is that they would be on their own. That is something they’d need to understand prior to marriage - that making adult decisions means supporting oneself as an adult. Maybe we’d be generous at Christmas. </p>

<p>Once they have kids, they get nothing – the grandkids get it all. ;)</p>

33

<p>You sound like me Binx.</p>

34

<p>We are planing to support D. thru 4 years of Graduate school. Not there yet, she will be UG senior next year.</p>

35

<p>Our daughter is in medical school so there will be no job for some time. We cover her tuition plus housing. She has taken out a loan to cover her living expenses. </p>

<p>I think that it is all in the attitude. The D has never behaved in an entitled way. She is aware that a financial outlay is being made that would very happily have been used by the dear H and me during our retirement. She is appreciative. She also knows that there will be little or no inheritance down the road. We are regularly thanked for our generosity and for the knowledge that she will be able to make choices with respect to her medical career not influenced by her debt load. </p>

<p>A short soapbox moment:
While I don’t think that a person can reach a complete understanding of the financial side of life until they are fully on their own, I also don’t think kids that are financially independent have a lock on all that is good and noble (something occasionally hinted at on this site). This is not to take away from a great accomplishment - being self sufficient is something to be proud of. Champagne all around when my kid gets there.</p>

36

<p>Our BA grad’s job provides no benefits, so we pay for medical, car and renters insurance. She lives in a big house of eight young people; they live frugally.</p>

37

<p>BTW, my above “moment” was not in response to anything said on this thread.</p>

38

<p>My son, who as an UG lived off campus for 2 years, was not thrilled my daughter was attending a school where you had to live on campus all 4 years. He felt she would never learn how to become self sufficient-paying bills, getting house repairs taking care of, etc… Guess which male child still calls me and ask what to do ;-)</p>

39

<p>My 26 year old D1 lives at home with us and commutes into the city each day. She finished college debt-free. Grad school was another story. She had $60K loans. She has a great job that she loves, but she is with a non-profit. They don’t pay well enough for her to live on her own in the city AND pay off her obligations. She takes care of all of her own expenses. We do not take R&B money, because it’s not like she’s spending it on fluff. It’s going to the lenders. I am glad that she’s taking responsibility for her debt, but at the same time, feel bad that she has to stay here with us. All of her friends from college are living with their significant others, so their incomes together allow them to get apartments in the city and have fun too. I think she has about another 2 years to pay off her loans. Until then, her life seems to be on hold. Good thing she loves her job and is making a difference.</p>

40

<p>We paid for D’s undergrad education. It certainly wasn’t her first choice to end up back in the area, but that’s where the job is. She loves what she’s doing, but it doesn’t pay much at this point. A masters degree is really necessary for any significant jump in pay. D is back living in her old room, working full time, and getting her masters at night (on her dollar this time). She does pay us “rent”, which is based on the recommended 30% (???..I think) of her salary. She transfers this money each month into a specific rent account. Other than a messy room, she is a very good tenant. What she does not know is that when she has a little more income (probably this summer, after grad school bills are done) and moves out, we will be returning all her rent money back to her. She’ll have a nice financial cushion.</p>