Do you know any adult S/D doing things like this?

Parent Cafe
1

I recently read the following article somewhere. Is there any family you know whose family dynamic is like this? Do not visit the parents often but help them when they need it.

"Then, we visited my husband’s parents house for the first time in years. His parents are in their sixties, and they were sleeping on the small double bed that Bob had slept on throughout his childhood. We asked why they were using that old bed, and they’re like, “Oh, we’re fine. We’re used to it!” We told them they needed to sleep on something comfortable and good for their backs, not a thirty-year-old mattress! We were happy to help them buy one.

Our parents: Our parents are all immigrants, so they’re used to living simply and “dealing with” things. But they worked so hard coming to this country with just a few hundred dollars, they deserve sleep in a good bed and drive a safe car! Our parents are self-employed (they all work in the restaurant industry), so they don’t have typical retirement plans or pensions or 401(k)s. The ways we choose to help provide for them isn’t a way to spoil them, but instead to help make their lives a little easier.

Why we do it: When we were young, our parents took care of us—financially, emotionally and physically. But now, it’s time for us to take care of them. Our parents don’t ask for it. In fact, they often offer to pay for things (like dinner), but we always insist. While we jokingly call it “parent tax,” it’s something we’re happy to do to honor our parents. We’re trying to say, “I finally made it, now let me thank you for helping me get there.”

Our daughter: We don’t expect our daughter, Ruby, to do this for us when she grows up. Granted, we want her to respect us as her parents, but as Asian-Americans who grew up in this country, we’re following a much more traditional American path with savings accounts and retirement plans. So, we don’t think we’ll need help when she’s older. It will be interesting to see how this tradition evolves and if our kids will continue to honor their parents in this way or if it will change into something else as we change."

The author also mentioned they contribute to both sides of parents financially very regularly (like monthly) even though it seems they could not visit them often due to their work.

One of my coworkers (who immigrated from India) seems to tell me something somewhat similar: Everything his parents have are essentially his, and what he has is also shared with his parents - and he is like 25-26 yo and not married yet.

Is it just a different kind of “retirement system” (as the author mentioned their parents do not have 401K or pensions - likely their parents will keep working for their own small business “till they drop” or something like that.)

BTW, I do not think our own S will be like this in the future.

2

I think so much of it depends on the financial needs of the parents. My parents helped me out financially ALOT as a young adult, and even as a young married couple. They have a very nice condo and furnishings, but I know are counting their pennies. I like how you put it that you honor your parents by picking up the tab. We do the same. We ALWAYS pay…always. We make much more than they ever did. Sometimes, we buy their plane tickets up…but not always. My MIL and her husband: same boat as my parents. Comfortable, but we pick up all the tabs now. They are still extremely generous with our kids. It’s the least we can do for our parents.

However, I do think that if our parents were wealthy, we probably wouldn’t do that. We’d find some other way to honor them.

My children: I have this dreaded feeling that neither will ever be as financial secure as DH and I…so I doubt that we’ll ever see them do what we do. What would make me VERY happy (and feel honored), was for them to make a concerted effort to always be in our lives and keep in contact. AND do a little something for us on our birthday :wink:

3

I think it depends. My folks were born in the US, as were we. They are financially very comfortable, as are we. Dad insists on paying their way nearly all the time. Sometimes we can get them to allow us to pick up the tab for a meal here or there. My folks have comfortable housing, as do we. If they ever need anything, we and my sibs stand ready to help them as requested or as we see fit.

We all keep our finances separate. We help our young adult kids (25 and 27) as we can, since we are in a position to without any problems for ourselves. Our kids are pretty careful about how they spend their money and our values are pretty aligned.

We feel our S will likely be very financially successful, as he’s already making much more than either H or I ever did in a year and is only 27. We are hoping D will be at least financially comfortable, but will likely be able to leave her and S with nice financial cushions anyway.

4

My own parents had been doing better than us mostly because they inherited something from my grandparents in their 60s. So we were fortunate that they did not need our financial supports. Whatever we did for them was just mostly “symbolic” in its nature because they do not need it.

In the next 10 years or so, I think we will be in a better financial shape than our child. But we likely can not afford to help him much from now on if we need to take care of our own retirement life financially - unless we “share our retirement money” with him. Both my wife and I think this may not be a good idea for both us and him. We prefer that their newly established family is more (financially) independent from us, and we are also independent of theirs.

5

I’m in a unique situation. At 24, I am paying all of my parents’ bills at the moment because they need help and I wouldn’t think twice about it. I am essentially an only child so I’m all my parents have (I have a half sister but she’d go to hell and back before giving my parents a dime).

My parents are both disabled (dad physically and mom medically). I have made more than my parents since I was 18 and we’ve been bill sharing since then. When they have money and I need help, I get it. When I have money and they need help, they get it. They’re currently living with me and my partner because we couldn’t afford to keep up two residences.

I do it because I love my parents. It has nothing to do with the fact that they took care of me and I am indebted or anything like that.

In my mom’s community, the Roma, the idea of individual property is not nearly as rigid as in Western cultures. The assumption is that if you’re flush with cash, you use it to benefit the whole family/community. That is more or less how we were raised and I’ve never quite been able to get into the mindset that “this is my money and I’m giving it to my parents”- it’s more “my parents need money and my bank account has it so of course I’ll give it to them” Of course, if there was addiction or something else going on the story would be quite different.

My partner’s parents have three boys and have financially supported two of them (not my partner) more or less since graduating college and we’ve been on our own. I don’t know what would happen if they needed money but there’s at least more of them to carry the burden.

6

@romanigypsyeyes…you sound like a wonderful child. I do wish our western ways were less nuclear family and more extended.

7

Yes, when H moved back in with his parents as an adult, he handled all the finances and paid all the bills with whatever income was available in the house–his, his parents, rental, etc. They paid all thevbills, but barely. He was able to pay off a lot before we married and set up our own household.

We are fortunate that we could afford separate households. We probably could have combined households but it would have been a squeeze and our relationship was more harmonious with everyone having more space and autonomy.

I admire you and your partner, Romani.

8

Wow. Your parents and you must be very close to each other. I am “envious” of the close relationship between you and your parents.

Our family is still “bill sharing” as of Today because DS has no income yet - but he “contributed” his future income (in student loans) quite significantly in the past few years. For us, we try to pay the interests (about $500 a month, I think) while we still can, so that his total loan amount will not increase too much due to accumulated interests.

But somehow we think (correct or not) in the future we prefer our child to be independent of us eventually. It is mostly because we do not want to be his burden (esp. his partner’s) as much and as long as we can. The fact that his current GF (if all go well, knock! Knock!!) seems to come from a culture in which parents and their children could be very close (financially and in other aspects) even when the children have grown up makes me thinking of this recently. We do not know much about his GF currently though - have not received the order: “go ahead and meet her” from our S yet (for my wife, except a brief greeting or two on a video chat recently.)

9

I’m sorry I don’t mean to sound like a saint or anything lol.

My parents and I are very close. One of the reasons that I’m able to do this is because my parents and I are legitimately good friends and they’ve been unconditionally supportive of me. I don’t know what I’d do if my parents were like my partner’s and thought less of me because of decisions I’ve made and beliefs I have.

I never needed to be independent because I’ve been independent since I was very young.

Who knows. Had my dad not become disabled when I was in 7th grade, I might have a very different outlook on things. As it is though, we’ve always been a unit rather than parents and child. Finances have always been transparent and we’ve always known exactly where each other stood.

I also know that it breaks my dad’s heart to have to depend on me. It’s one of the reasons I try to normalize it as much as possible.

It’s also very helpful that no one in my family, including my partner, is materialistic (not that there is anything wrong with that). I think not having many wants makes life so much easier especially when you’re financially stretched like we are.

Fwiw, I also know a lot of people who think my relationship with my parents is weird. Including people who have PMed me on here. Luckily, I’ve gotten quite good at not giving a hoot what anyone else thinks. :slight_smile:

10

I can’t imagine an adult child who wouldn’t help his/her parents financially, if they needed it. OK, I guess I can imagine it and I know it happens - but seems selfish not to help your parents. We (H and I) regularly give money to his parents and pay some of their bills. We always pay for plane tickets and any meals out when we visit. They are both immigrants (although I’m not sure what this has to do with anything) and have only minimal savings and SS income.

My mother is financially well off and doesn’t need anything from us. I don’t expect my kids to have to support H and I as we will inherit from my mother, but I’m sure they would help out if needed.

11

I grew up being too poor for hot lunch and too rich for free lunch- and father too proud if we were to qualify. Scrimped in school. Paid off with very secure finances now. Frugal for income lifestyles for both H and I- and now son. Can’t give any to my elderly father (mom died decades ago) because he won’t spend it. Also can’t help in other ways because can never do it right. Son has high paying job and doesn’t need our help. If I had known how much I would have now 40 years ago I would have borrowed a lot more and spent more. Still can’t help middle class habits of coupons and getting best prices. Won’t pay for father (if he would even accept it) to live in an apartment et al unless he sells his small house- can’t see paying upkeep just because he won’t let go. But- he went home after treatment for a severe fall injury instead of elsewhere. He needs tough love- no enabling by doing things for him at his whim by sibs closer. Wish my mother had been the survivor-she was a nice person and could have spent a lot on her eventually.

Hurts when you can’t give family money when you easily can afford to do so. And no, I won’t adopt any of you…

12

My folks were immigrants to the U.S. from Eastern Europe. My mother was an orphan and came to this country with her much older siblings. My Dad was 20 when he got here and was on his own.

My Dad sent money home to his parents for many years–his parents used the money to educate his two much younger brothers.

My parents were extremely frugal, but not when it came to education–they paid for college educations for my brother (Wabash College) and me (Michigan). My parents never needed financial help after they retired, but I would have provided it if they had. My Dad lived with us for a short time before he passed away. My brother and I took turns having him stay with us when it was clear he couldn’t live alone.

My H and I provided financial help to his mother–his father had signed up for a union pension that basically cut her benefits to nothing when he passed away.

We always felt we were doing the right thing by helping our folks in the best way we could. I feel my kids would be there for H and me, if we need some kind of help.

Romani–I admire you for helping your folks. You’re a great daughter.

13

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They’re currently living with me and my partner because we couldn’t afford to keep up two residences.


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That is wonderful.

This isn’t that unusual. Many Grands (particularly widows) come to live with their kids/grandkids because of just that issue…they can’t afford to live alone, and the adult-kids can’t afford two residences.

In some cases it can be a win/win…the Grandparent helps out around the house…maybe cooking, laundry, childcare…and the grandparent can be safer having others around looking out for them.

14

I don’t understand this. Why not help a person stay in their home? Especially if you can well afford it?

15

My relatives live with a mother in a home. It is 4 of them–H & W, their child & H’s mom. H’s brother lives similarly–H & W, their 2 kids (who have now left the nest) and W’s parents. It is not uncommon in HI & is much more economical than running many households.

16

Yes, it isn’t rare for grands to live with “adult” children in their 40s and up. But for parents to move in with their (currently) unmarried children in grad school without children? Not so much :stuck_out_tongue:

Mind you, I’ve been eating much healthier since mom moved in though. Not that she’s much of a cook but she took over grocery shopping (which honestly rarely happens when it’s just my partner and I).

17

I happen to know somebody who moves into his FIL/MIL home. He married just a couple of months ago. He is not a new immigrant but his wife is. It appears that there are two reasons why their living arrangement is like this: The in-laws really like to live with their daughter (and they have no other kid) and the housing cost in this area is too high. He said it would take them, the young couple, a long time before they save enough to move out (likely never in the neighborhood his in-law’s house is in.) But it seems they eventually want to move out.

18

You are right, Romani, your situation is very unusual and it is great that you, your partner and parents are making things work so well. It’s always wonderful when people are able to work things out for mutual benefit!

19

^ I fully agree that it is really great when they are able to work things out for mutual benefit.

When/if we have a DIL, we will try to make sure that her relationship with her parents will not be changed just because she is married with our S. This is because she is naturally close to her parents, and to her, we can never serve the roles of her parents and the best we can do is to be as “well behaved” as we can as her FIL/MIL, who will unlikely be the same as the parents.

20

I remember when I was a new Airman in the USAF, I would send money home to my mom so she could go out and do “things”. It wasn’t much, only $150 (in 1984/85) but it was just a thank you for being my mom type thing. A few months later my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 rectal cancer so mom needed that money to help with the bills. Dad died less than a year later and didn’t have much for life insurance so mom had to keep working.

A few years later- after I got married, my H and I started paying mom’s mortgage. We lived in our own rental house for a while but after I got pregnant, we moved in with mom so we could save money for the baby and the upcoming change of station because the base I was at was BRAC’d. We continued to pay her mortgage and our rent, and were lucky enough to move into on base housing at a few places (after waiting for months on the waiting lists).

Eventually, we convinced mom to move in with us when we made our last military move to Virginia. We bought a house with a basement and had it furnished to her liking. She loved her “place” and we would joke about the “old lady who lived downstairs” :wink: It was also great that she played a part in my children’s lives. She would make sure they made it to the bus stop on time because H and I were at work at zero dark thirty, and we liked that we could keep an eye on her.

I am very happy that my H and mom got along like a house on fire. I swear if we were to ever divorce, she would move in with him! She would often take his side in an argument, refusing to acknowledge our blood tie. Go figure.

My belief was that if it weren’t for my mom, I wouldn’t have had so many opportunities. Any money that she needs is always available to her if we have it. What chaps my hide is my sister or brother who can’t even send mom $5 or $10 to spend on whatever she would like. instead I get excuses from my sister, “I wish we could help mom like you do”… argh.

On the other hand, I’m sure that when I am old and senile, that my kids will be there to help if need be. I’m not so sure my sister can say the same thing about her daughter. What goes around comes around. :slight_smile: