Mcat, in my opinion, it is not your job to do anything with regards to the relationship between dil and her parents. You do you and let the chips fall where they may.
It is not safe for my father in his house. He has had three falls there, the most recent involved dislocating his cervical spine- fixed. He should not drive, shovel snow (they taught him how to use a walker in the rehab unit- that doesn’t fit with clearing 1-2" of snow from the sidewalk or driveway), cart trash to the curb, etc. His washer and dryer are in his basement with merely a handrail separating him from open spaces- and he refused to let my sister fix that situation in the past. The neighbors he interacted with both died last year (people in their 80’s often do so). He is a very difficult person to deal with- there is NO way any of us kids would survive him in any of our homes. He needs a senior apartment with others in his building and transportation for his various needs. I had an interesting discussion with a PhD psychologist who deals with nursing home patients who told me a person can pass competency tests but that home safety is not approached. Perhaps the realities of needing to pay for cabs et al will finally make him realize that living at home is not good. He has worn out any patience with the sibs instate. Self centered man as always… Any decent apartment would be in better shape than his house.
Many of you are lucky to have nice parents. My (widowed) mother in law is a gem.
Warning, this turns into a rant against my mil.
I am very very lucky, my parents are well off. They EARNED all of it. I can only dream of doing as well. They worked hard and were heavy savers in the times of great interest rates, and made investments in the right stocks at the time and put a lot away that grew tremendously. With the interest rates on bonds, Cd’s and money market accounts, we will never do as well as they did, unless we get lucky with the investments we have made. I am so fortunate not having to worry about them, and in fact they have helped us out with the kids college expenses.
OK, the next part is my rant and why I hate the idea of us ever having to help support my mil. My husband would gladly help her out, but I would be stewing inside… You don’t have to read it because I am not nice. I am a selfish B compared to all the posters who do so much for family. You are great people. I mean that. Stop reading if you will judge me. I already know I’m cold and Bitc$% about her.
My mil is a different story. She has been married a few times and had other relationships too, but never seemed to get a guy with money smarts. She doesn’t have money smarts either. She is frugal (now) and doesn’t ask us for help, she lives just fine, but doesn’t have extra. Sometimes I am frustrated at her financial situation (she whines about the cost of things) because its a situation she could have avoided with better planning and more actual work/a job. One example, they bought a motor home (her and a male “friend”) to travel. Renovated it, took 2 trips and it wasn’t for her after all. sold it, lost $, Then they bought a mobile home (trailer park) in FL because it was wonderful when they visited (the motor home had been wonderful too). Oops, maybe it’s not so great, its not the “nice” section of the park and its not a real house. Ok, buy a regular stick built home in the same “park”. Oops again, did you know it is hot there in the summer? and that all your friends go home for the summer? No planning. Just leap into it, and it’s not like she has spare $$. Wait, she took a $4000 loan this past year to get a dental implant. At age 77. She is now whining about the loan. She already has a bunch of missing teeth (has partial dentures I think) why the implant now? If shes not whining about $, she whines about her sore this and sore that and sore…This is just part of it. I could go on all day. I’d prefer it if she had a disability or something to justify her situation if she runs out of $.
I wonder how my kids will feel someday? I am afraid that they won’t have the extra to help even if they want to. Things are getting so expensive and good paying jobs are getting scarcer. We are savers too and hopefully we will never need their help.
Ok. Got my rant out. Thanks
nj, I don’t think you’re a b- at all. You can only help so much before you become a schmuck.
nj, Even though it is me who started this thread and cut-and-pasted the “story”, it does not mean that our family is as perfect as what is depicted in that story.
My wife could never get along well with my parents. She was accused by them for something that had better been left unexplained here.
If a young couple could get along well with one side of families, it is already a blessing. It seems to me that it requires a lot of wisdom, hard work and an extremely good LUCK in order to get along well with both sides of families.
This may be my unrealistic dream: I hope my S and his SO could get along with both sides of families, because we do not want either of them to “suffer”.
But, a question is: in order for this to happen (i.e., for the young couple to maintain good relationships with both sides of parents), do the parents on the husband’s side and the parents on the wife’s side have to get along well with each other first? Maybe starting from both sides believe that they are not “unreasonably treated” in the very first event, the wedding event of their children?
(My coworker kind of warned me that I may be expected to shell out big bucks (which I do not have) in the wedding, or else (that is, a potential repercussion may be resulted due to the lack of or insufficient funding of their daughter’s most important life event – which may be mistakenly interpreted as : we do not appreciate their daughter being together with our S enough. An example “price tag” that I cited when I discussed with my coworker (who has the “right” background as he got married not many years ago in the “right” context): an amount that equals to one year of tuitions and fees, excluding the room and board, at a typical private college. He said to me that this amount is most likely an insufficient amount. I may over-think it, I admit.)
I really, really thing you are overthinking about your S and potential future DIL. I believe that relationships turn out OK if folks want them to and are willing to work at it. There are no easy answers or formulas or ways for any of us to predict the future.
My parents & sibs and my inlaws never knew each other well but H & I got and continue to get along great with both sides of the families because we all want things to work out. We aren’t best buddies but we all have mutual respect and get together socially and more, whenever it works out in terms of scheduling.
My family paid different amounts toward each of our weddings but I don’t believe it hampered relationships betwen them and any of their inlaws (whom their kids married into). My family gets along just fine with all the inlaws. Most of the people I know get along OK to very well with their families AND their inlaws. It’s not magic–it takes work and communication, but is well worth it in my opinion.
This is music to my ears. It is not that we want to “take advantage” of them. But due to the the looming retirement in the near horizon, we really have some real concern about how much we can afford. If they agree, we would not mind giving the young couple the price tag that I mentioned above and ask them to take the money and run (elope if they want) and skip the whole things about expensive gifts exchanges, and so on. (Please do not give us and our S anything - we want nothing of these expensive expenses due to the usual practices, customs and “formalities”, as long as the other family are OK with it.)
For one thing, we started to make real money relatively late and all of what we have had is what we earned and not inherited it. For their family, it could be a different story.
@mcat2, can I assume that your family and the GF’s family do not come from the same country? That the GF’s family’s tradition is that the groom side of the family pays for everything as far as wedding is concerned?
I am just wondering why you are so worried about wedding expenses.
No. My parents are super liberal atheists and his parents are super conservative Catholics. They are cordial but do not need to get along well.
And why should they? Except for the wedding and a few occasional meetings once a year while we all live in the same state, why on earth would they need to get along well? They just need to not actively hate each other.
mcat, you really care far too much about money, the hypothetical wedding that may or may not happen one day, and what his GF’s family thinks of you.
I am really, truly saying this in the nicest possible way- you say you’re envious of the relationship that my parents and I have with each other. One of the ways we’re able to do this is that we let each other live our own lives and we just support each other no matter what happens. We are just THERE for each other rather than trying to plan for every possible little thing. Maybe, just maybe, you need to not focus on your son and his relationship so much. Maybe you should let the chips fall where they may and let life take its course. I am extremely open, honest, and close with my parents- but I don’t think I would be if I knew that they were thinking about every possible future situation like you seem to do. I’d likely clam up because I wouldn’t want them to worry so much.
And anyone who thinks that you not dropping “big bucks” on their D’s wedding (isn’t it your son’s wedding, too??) means that you don’t value her isn’t worth a second of your time or energy IMO. People can’t be bought and sold- our lives, relationships, and worth should never, ever be valued in $$.
Firstly, Thanks for your inputs.
We indeed do not come from the same country. However, it is not true that the groom side should pay for everything for the wedding and marriage. From what I learned from the Internet or from talking to my coworker via emails across the pond, it seems the expenses ratio between the groom side and the bride side is like 3 to 1 or at least 2 to 1. I believe our side is likely more liberal and westernized (we have been living here for more than 3 decades after all and strange as it may be, we do not interact with most people from outside of this country, i.e., we do not keep much “tradition” of our old country.)
Also, I think, relatively speaking, we are not willing to spend much $ on the wedding when our S’s indebtedness due to the his accumulated student loans is already quite high.
I actually do not think his GF will be the kind of woman who wants a big wedding. (I heard she is “level-headed” and does not always agree with her parents even though she likely has to comply with their opinion – like having to smile and nod as a “good girl” in her culture is expected to do even when not totally in agreement.) I think it is likely that she has already known him very well in the past 3 and a half year (even though dating for 8 months only, I guess) and likely knows very well what he and his family are like by now (e.g., we could not afford to have a trip to their campus when almost every other family can afford to, for some “special school event” in the past.)
8 months of dating–while it may seem long to you, is really not that long for many couples, especially if they are busy with school. Please, please, please take it easy and let things unfold in their own sweet time. You have done your best to raise a good young man–trust his judgment to have a good relationship over time with a nice young woman and see where it leads.
Really, stop thinking about the money. Marriages can be accomplished for very little if that is what the couple decides. Marriages are much less expensive than divorces and you can read all the many threads and other locations about the huge range of weddings. This constant concern about money & wedding is unhealthy for you and your relationships, especially with your son.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Not all couples can have in-laws come live with them for a variety of reasons. But, when it can work out, then super.
I agree that Romani’s situation may be different because she’s a grad student. BUT…I have known cases where parents have moved to live with their undergrad child because their child’s FA provides money towards an apt. There have even been posts here on CC where that has happened.
Different cultures do different things. My Italian dad’s family typically EXPECTED their married kids to move HOME and live/save until the couple could buy a home (waste money on rent? never!! lol). Some of my dad’s relatives even added onto their homes to accommodate their married children (and soon-to-come grandbabies).
Romani is lucky that her fiancé is totally fine with this situation. 
Some people, particularly ones from other cultures, might not be willing to have their homes “invaded” by their partner’s parents, nor be willing to help fund their partner’s parents. I know that my mom not only would never have agreed to live with her in-laws, but she also demanded that their home be at least 5 miles away. My French mom was a very private person, and the rather “intrusive” ways of my dad’s larger-than-life Italian family could often be too much for her.
Just couldn’t help chiming in here. All our parents are gone now, but if I had to take in those who lived to be old and sick, I would have - but not because I wanted to live with them. I didn’t get along with my mom, a widow for many years, or my in-laws. However, I couldn’t have stood it to see them flounder and fail. As it worked out, they were all too independent to move in with us under any circumstance.
As to the thought of paying for wedding expenses for the kids, I think it is awful for anyone to expect someone else to pay big money for a wedding if they can’t comfortably pay the money. To say that someone else should spend 50K or 100k on a single day, unless they are a multimillionaire is nuts, imho. I have been to fancy weddings at top NYC hotels, and the divorce followed after that. What a shame for the couple, and for the family. Paying for a big fancy wedding should be done only if the family has money that they won’t miss, and can’t be put to better use - like paying off loans for grad school etc. My step D had a big fancy wedding (to which we weren’t invited, so we didn’t have to contribute), and her husband always complains about his student loans. That didn’t stop him from buying a big house, 100% financed either. Besides being miffed about the wedding (me anyway, not so much H), we don’t feel too pressured to help if their financial plans are a disaster - they never listened to good advice about finances. If they bomb out, they will have to figure out what to do next.
I agree with romani, mcat. Way too much overthinking about potential things that may or may not happen. Like what to be wearing should you be seen on a skype call or whether you might be perceived as devaluing a potential DIL if you don’t fund a large portion of a potential future wedding. None of it has happened yet. No need to research on the internet or ask colleagues for guidance. Chill. Maybe if your DS decides to marry, he’ll wait til he is earning money in internship or residency and can pay for part of it. Maybe you need not worry what his potential inlaws may or may not think, half a globe away.
As for parent/child relationships, its established individually by each person involved. You can’t control what someone else thinks of you or your choices. You just do what you can and what you feel is right and how others respond is their issue. You sound like a caring, if not overcaring person. You should decide for yourself what you feel is right- not what others on the interned or at work tell you.
We are fortunate to have 2 great sons who have said they would help us in a heartbeat if we ever needed it (hope not, but nice to hear). They watched us take care of my dad for years and years at great time, energy financial and emotional expense while my bro did not lift a finger. My dad, like was also difficult, though maybe not as difficult as wis’s. He would not leave his home and needed a lot of oversight , physical and emotional support. He became very needy and helpless, which was hard to manage long distance. But we did it. As I mentioned to someone yesterday, I still have that reflexive response, when hearing about weather issues up north, to feel the need to call the case manager and caregivers to be sure the caregiver was there and there was food and power. My dad died 4 years ago, but I still have that automatic response. Bottom line, we all face our family challenges and relish in our family joys.
We are fortunate that DS#1s fiancee and future inlaws are fabulous and we get along great. In fact her mom and I have already secretly bought the gift together that we are giving her (s’s fiancee) at an upcoming shower. I wish we lived closer to them. I would choose them as my friends. Younger s’s gfs parents I do not know, but if the time comes that they get engaged I am sure we will get to know them. they are a different religion and political affiliation, but thats fine. They have been dating for several years and we treat his gf the same as we treat older s’s fiancee. They get similar holiday gifts. She is joining us on a brief family vacation. She asked me for advice when applying to grad school. Its all good. Its our relationship with our s and with her that, IMO counts. She will let her parents know how we treat her.
So stop worrying and overanalyzing everything. Life is too short. Oh, and as for the initial article- I think many kids would take care of their parents. The story isnt all that unusual. In fact I think its pretty normal.
I’m also a private person and couldn’t bear living with my in-laws or mom. If that makes me a bad daughter/DIL, I accept that! My husband and I promised each other years ago that we’ll help our parents financially as they age but never live in the same house with any of them.
We live only 5 hours from my husband’s family, but don’t see them often. This is because of bad family dynamics, my husband’s high-pressure job and difficult relationship with his sister, and my reluctance to become the go-to person when my husband would never consider doing anything of the sort for my mother. We have bought my in-laws furniture, paid off a credit card for them, and have funds put aside for in-home help, once they can be persuaded they need it (which they do). My husband is an MD and discusses/manages his parents’ care with their physicians, another way of contributing to their welfare.
I agree with Romani. My parents and my ILs aren’t “friends.” They are pleasant and cordial and welcoming, and they genuinely care how the other side is doing, but they only run into one another at events like our kids’ graduations. They don’t need to have an ongoing relationship.
“But due to the the looming retirement in the near horizon, we really have some real concern about how much we can afford.”
If you can’t afford something, you can’t afford it, and that’s the end of the subject. Screw them and their “traditions” if they are trying to make you spend money don’t have.
"I actually do not think his GF will be the kind of woman who wants a big wedding. (I heard she is “level-headed” and does not always agree with her parents even though she likely has to comply with their opinion – like having to smile and nod as a “good girl” in her culture is expected to do even when not totally in agreement.) "
Maybe she will reject her parents’ traditions entirely. Maybe the two of them will want a very modest wedding with just a handful of people. Who knows. There are so many possible scenarios that could unfold, it’s not worth your time trying to plan for them. It’s like worrying about what you are going to wear on March 5, 2019. Who the heck knows??
Ack, thought I caught all the ipad autocorrects, but no such luck and missed the window. Tried to say that I was comparing my challenges with my dad to wis75’s, though her dad sounds more difficult. I totally get it, wis!