mcat - please do not drive yourself nuts worrying about a future that may never materialize. Your son and his girlfriend have been dating for 8 months, which really isn’t that long. They may get married, but they may break up - I say this as the parent of a D who has had two long-term relationships (one that lasted for 3 years and another that lasted for over 2 years.) Marriage was seriously discussed in the course of both relationships, but both relationships ended (which was fine by me - it’s her life, not mine - although I did really like boyfriend #1).
Life is full of unknowns. My new year’s mantra/resolution is to embrace uncertainty, not to worry about it. It’s tough, but it beats fearing or worrying about things that never come true.
And even if his son and the gf are serious and at some point get engaged, he’s never met either the gf or her parents, so all this worry, based on some work colleague’s comment, about what the gf or her parents might or might not expect for a wedding is complete fantasy. Unhealthy, angst-ridden fantasy.
When my wife and I got married, we actually rebelled against all the traditions. It is just impossible for my wife to get along with my parents in her whole life before they passed away. (It was somewhat telling that every child and every relative of ours could not get along with my parents.) The family on my wife’s side was a broken family on the surface, but it is much easier to get along. She was very close to her mother. (My wife had to “fight” (legally) against her own father on behalf of her mother as well as her younger siblings for their livelihood - the youngest sibling was still in elementary school!. This was because her father walked away with another woman not much older than my wife who was then younger than 20. I was then a sophomore college student dating her and was actively involved in their “fighting” for their finance side by side with her and her “good” side of family. It was quite a long sad story.)
What mom2ck said in her last paragraph above is true for some families which holds on to their traditions. It is not easy to “deal” with a family with such a tradition if the young couple would rather accept the norm in the main stream culture here (if there is really a main stream culture here, LOL. Sometimes I feel that one strength in this society is that people do not care what other think about them: If you do not agree with me, so be it and let me live my own life in the way I like and it is not your business to butt in my life!)
The same applies to the family of one of my neighbors/friends before I moved. They arranged the inlaw to live on the north side of the city while they live on the south side of the city. He is his mother’s only child. Every weekends or so, he traveled to her mother’s apartment to visit her alone without his wife’s company (they themselves lived in a very large house - it should not be difficult to have a bedroom for her inlaw if they could get along, but they could not. It is really a blessing that all involved could get along.)
Once again, I appreciate all the inputs.
(BTW, I actually know a little bit more about the dynamics in her family but it is proper for further details to be left out here for an apparent reason. But overall speaking, it is indeed correct to say that I worry too much. I just secretly wish the last thing DS may need us could be done and we may concentrate on our own retirement - maybe including going to a lower cost living area or even another “cheaper to live” country where we could more easily get by with our current limited financial resources – but not before I could take care of my last known medical problem.)
The article in the OP described my parents exactly. My father supported his father and siblings to the best of his ability and then he and my mother were also very generous with us, their children, when the need arose. Like elite colleges, they defined “need” on their terms. Sometimes they did not see a need when we thought we did, and they saw need when we didn’t (that was kind of weird - arguing with your parents that you don’t need their money). My parents were born and raised in Asia, each came to the US for graduate school, and then together they were able to build a good life. My father came from a very poor family, so they needed all the help they could get. Sending money overseas wasn’t unusual; it was pretty unremarkable (my father never really said anything about it - the monthly or quarterly check was just a thing he did).
That all said, I don’t see how this is relevant to you? It’s a nice story (?) but it’s just a story of one family among millions of families. Your son is currently dating a woman his age. That’s great! Have you met her yet? No? Then, just sit back and relax. I don’t see how wedding bells and budgets or retirement and multi-generational households fit into your situation yet. You’re still working. Your son’s still single. Let life unfold a bit more (e.g., your son announces his engagement).
BTW, as far as I know, like parents here would save for college education expenses, in some other culture, they save for their child’s marriage over many years if not over a decade (the cost of a marriage is much higher than that of a wedding, as the former includes the housing cost - unless the woman/bride is willing to move into the inlaw’s house - some “poorer” families actually do this.)
The following is actually what my colleague on the other side of pond told me (another one told me something similar): The last sentence is appalling: “sell the house (parents’ own house?) for them.” I assume that later on the parents may move in when they can not afford their own life in their retirement years?)
"Men (family on the groom side) prepare the house (not buying but rent - 2 years contract) and it costs more than $150,000 (deposit or key money for the rent/lease contract) for the wedding normally. (The majority of this is from the parents as the young couple unlikely have saved so much.) Only the poor will usually rent a house by paying the monthly rent instead of paying a large deposit and not paying monthly rent. (Their housing/mortgage system seems to be in a mess to me as their government does not think it is a priority to fund the housing market. It is up to each family to fend themselves in this area. A 30-year (maybe even a 15-year one) mortgage is unheard of.)
Women take care of others like household electric appliances, furniture, all kind of household items for the house.
Parents usually support men (their sons) even though they already have had a job. If they do not have enough money, either the young couple or the parents or both borrow for the marriage.
Of course it’s depend on parents ability but they try to support as much as they can, like sell the house for them."
mcat, as a person trained in anthropology, I really do understand you wanting to learn as much about your s’s gf’s heritage culture as much as possible. However, people are individuals and while they may be shaped by their culture, they don’t necessarily conform to their heritage culture’s or even familial expectations.
Unless it is solely of interest to you- and nothing to do with your son- please stop asking about customs of the gf’s parents’ culture, especially as it pertains to the wedding.
For all you know, she might’ve come to the US because she and her family vehemently reject their “traditions”
"BTW, I actually know a little bit more about the dynamics in her family but it is proper for further details to be left out here for an apparent reason. "
Whatever the dynamics are could change at any minute, which is the piece you need to remember.
Besides, these are two different cultures meeting. Why are you assuming the girl’s culture will “win”? If this other family tells you to spend money you simply don’t have on a wedding or house you can’t afford, what prevents you from saying no? Why such a passive approach?
mcat2 - I don’t know if you meant to do this, but every thread you start just seem to evolve into your son, his SO, and your relationship with your future DIL and her family. I can guarantee that with or without your worrying, your son will marry someone, they will have their ups and downs just like everyone else. No amount of projecting now is going to change your son’s path.
romani, As far as I know, she (and her siblings) is in US and has been so for quite many years (say, about 8 years in the immediate past; likely 75% in her life time so far has been spent here. I guess she might not be in the western world only during high school (and before preschool?) Not sure why their family decided she went to school back in her original country only during high school. (Maybe their whole family were there during those 4 years. Not sure.)
It is true that DS himself does not pay much attention to her cultural background, and it seems he thinks he does not need to know much about it because he thinks she is quite westernized.
I got married without helps from my family. This may have something to do with my obsession with this. LOL. (Just for the fun of it, at least I would not attempt to do the “arrange marriage” thing - it would be totally inappropriate in my opinion. The parents of DS’s suitemate in freshman year in college actually had tried to do exactly this for this suitemate and his elder brother - and actually succeeded in arranging his elder brother’s marriage, but the other , DS’s suitemate would not “cooperate”. I heard they advertised it on some newspaper or some online dating site. Wait…it seems his GF’s family at one time tried this as well without any success. It is totally weird if you think such things could happen in NYC today!)
“Not sure why their family decided she went to school back in her original country only during high school. (Maybe their whole family were there during those 4 years. Not sure.)”
It’s not really important that you “know” why some other family decided to make whatever schooling and living decisions they did. They had their reasons, and it’s simply not your business to know what they are or were.
You are very obsessed with your son’s romantic life and the background of the girlfriend. It’s really not very healthy. If he’s having a nice time and she appears to be a nice girl, that’s all that matters. Whatever will be, will be. Stop trying to project who this girl is just because she is from a certain cultural background.
Once either me or my sister gets married and has a kid my dad (who’s retired now) will probably move in with one of us and look after the kid. Probably not out of money concerns, but because if he’s got nothing better to do than look after the kid. My mom’s dad (he was my only living grandparent when I was born) moved in with our family when I was born, though I think he wasn’t healthy enough to work and couldn’t afford to live on his own.
My wife swears that she would not want to move in and take this “job” (i.e., looking after the kid.) She thinks that as long as she has done her job when our child was growing up with us, both our child and we have done the job of being a good child & good parents respectively, and ether side does not owe anything to the other side.
At least this is her plan but I am not sure she will or will not change her mind. I am pretty sure that if either our S or his SO does not want us to “invade” into their life in their newly established family, she will not try to provide them the unsolicited help.
She did say to our S in the past that when she can no longer take care of herself, she wants to live in the same city (but will not move into the same house) as his city. I think she will not be against the “5 miles away” rule that was mentioned by somebody here.
As I have posted before, a colleague of mine was married recently and his inlaw “invited” the couple to live with them (in the inlaw’s house). But he said that although the inlaws originally said this was a temporary situation, the young couple now think it is more like than not that they may be together under one roof forever. (I got a feeling that the inlaws are more happy in this living arrangement than they are. She is the only daughter.)
Vlad…don’t count on that scenario. If you or your sister get married you will each have a spouse who may not go along with that idea. It does not matter what happened in the past in your family at all. Spouse ALWAYS trumps parents or the marriage is not what it should be. Even if you marry someone from your religion/ethnic group you can’t expect your family’s expectations to be identical to your spouse’s.
Despite my F’s faults he did accept me not (gasp) getting married in the Catholic church (my choice, H would have been willing) and he came to the wedding (mom had died years before).
An in law relative from Indian Hindu culture married a woman whose stepfather is a minister. He has learned from the experience and quietly has never attempted to expound on his beliefs (he was graciously made a part of the ceremony but being OOS couldn’t do any legal part). It would have been very easy for him to show disapproval in some way (fitting the Christian sense of it being the only way) but that wasn’t my impression in the Indian in laws’ household. The wife now related by marriage is great- no wonder we both married into that extended family!
Was talking with my brother today. I mentioned how the current generation was not following in our sib’s religion, he remembered how an ancestor was a temperance leader minister overseas. Interesting how the generations change religiously and mix up the ethnic groups. Still many more that can be added to the mix, however. I guess my family has never followed the norm of staying within one’s culture/group.
Well said indeed.
DS once told my wife that his GF once told him that in a young couple’s family she knew, whenever there is a disagreement between the husband’s mother and his wife, the husband will always take his wife’s side.
When my wife heard of this story, she said the husband did the right thing.
In other word, my wife believes that after the child grows up and establishes his/her own family, the parents should “know their place” in this new family and be “well behaved”, especially as FIL/MIL.
To put it in another way, once parents have done a good job of raising the child, they should gradually fade away — after all, starting from the moment their child get married (if there is no divorce), the child will spend much more of his or her life with SO than with either sides of the parents.
DS once said that he told his GF his mother is very level headed and would not do something that is not practical or not reasonable.