Do you let your kid drive with other teens?

Parent Cafe
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<p>My daughter is eagerly anticipating getting her license.</p>

<p>Since she is young for her grade, she will be one of the last of her peers to get it.</p>

<p>Are you comfortable letting your teen ride with other teenagers? In this state, you are permitted to drive others once you have been licensed for a year.</p>

<p>I myself didn’t learn how to drive until I was in my mid-twenties, so I am perhaps more conservative on this issue.</p>

<p>But it makes me extremely nervous to think of my teen getting in a car driven by another teen, especially if I don’t know him/her.</p>

<p>We live in a suburban area with heavy traffic.</p>

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<p>Here, a person cannot drive others until they have had their license for six months. I am amazed at the parents who still let their kids drive others during that six month period or let their kids ride with others who have had their license less than six months. We surely never did either. But beyond the six month mark, I wasn’t so keen on riding with other teens but I would evaluate it on a case by case basis…who was driving, where and when. I allowed it though it didn’t happen too often, particularly after my own kids could drive themselves. But if I knew the kid and evaluated where they were going, I did allow it. Also, my kids called as they reached the desination, etc. and I always knew where they were. My kids were also younger than their classmates.</p>

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<p>In CA the law is now one year, not six months. Lots of kids disobey the law, my rule was that if my kids did they would lose their driving privilege. As long as the driver was past that one year mark, I let them drive with other kids. Once my kid was past the year, I let him take other kids. Of course, my going out the door words are always “wear your seatbelt” :)</p>

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<p>I’m ahead of my time here - will not allow the kids to drive with teenage drivers who have had licenses for less than a year, even though the state allows it right away. I’m never thrilled with it, though. We personally know two kids who died as a direct result of distractions from passengers. Even after that year has passed, I’ll discourage trips that sound too risky, definitely.</p>

5

<p>It sounds like most of you handled this on a case by case basis.</p>

<p>That makes a lot of sense, but I would also expect it to lead to spats on a case to case basis. (“But Mom!!! Harold is a great driver, and you let Sally drive me into Boston!!”)</p>

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<p>fendrock, I am with you. I did not allow my son to ride with drivers who were licensed less than 6 months. I did not allow my son to take long road trips while in high school. He wanted to ride to Vermont from NJ with other teens (in the middle of winter to top it off). I told him that I would not allow that. He is now in college and I have allowed him to accept rides from Virginia to New Jersey from upperclassmen who have driven this route several times already, but I don’t like it.</p>

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<p>NJ allowed a single non-immediate family passenger for the first year. I know many parents think passengers are a horrible idea, but when I was first driving I was always much more comfortable with that single legal passenger. I knew that if I needed to watch for an exit (s)he could help me, and that if I got lost (s)he could call someone for me and that if I got a flat tire I wouldn’t be standing on the side of the rode by myself. </p>

<p>Since I was young for my grade I was the passenger before I was the driver. I talked my friend down when she was scared after going into a skid from oil on the road (going the speed limit in perfect weather). We were always careful to not distract the driver, because we were all sensitive to the fact that driving is tough when you’re first starting.</p>

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<p>Well there’s ^^^^^ (northeastmom) a good case for a “case by case basis”, LOL. NO way would I let my highschooler drive with teens on a long distance road trip like that one your son proposed (that you didn’t allow either!). Fendrock, I don’t recall a lot of spats about how I said this situation was OK and that one wasn’t. I don’t recall it even coming up all that much but basically if I knew the kid well and their level of responsibility, how long they had been driving, if they had ever driven to the destination before, who else was going, etc., I decided if it was OK. There was no “blanket” permission to just ride with whomever. I always knew where they were, who they went with and in the case of a teen driver, I had to OK that. But as I said, once my own kids could drive, they often drove themselves and I preferred that rather than have to trust another kid or also have a car with a few teens in it which is a more dangerous situation.</p>

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<p>I did not allow my son to ride with other teens, and he did not take any teen passengers until he’d been driving a few months and was almost 18. Even then, if the other kid’s mom was uncomfortable, we respected that and I drove. That only happened once, though. I was amazed at how nonchalant most parents were about it. I’m not even sure exactly what the law here in Texas is (I knew at the time but I don’t quite remember now) but I made my own rule. I explained to him the statistics about the disproportionate teen accidents and deaths.</p>

<p>When he was almost 18, he met a friend, same age who’d been driving about a year, who seemed very responsible. My son assured me that the guy drove almost ‘like a granny’ so I thought it was time to relent. Well, after a few months of hanging out with this guy, the guy started drinking and getting high and speeding to the tune of over 100 mph.</p>

<p>I didn’t have to tell my son what to do. He decided on his own to never ride with that guy again.</p>

<p>Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to ask your opinion on this: Since this friend’s parents are non-existent, and he is now 18 is there anything I should have done when I found out about his driving habits? Could/should I have reported him just on that one experience when my son was in the car? Reported to whom? I did talk to him but I have no way of knowing whether it did any good. My son doesn’t hang out with him anymore, thankfully, but it bothers me knowing that he is driving so recklessly and there’s nothing I can do about it. Or, just hope that the cops will catch up with him before he hurts someone?</p>

<p>Anyway, point is that you just can’t really tell what the kid is like, unfortunately. This kid seemed so mature and responsible. I got fooled. Then, later, I got fooled again. Another friend, female, 19, acted like she was 25. She agreed to bring my son home from a party and assured me that she absolutely NEVER drove when under any influence. Well, 2 hours later my son called to tell me I’d have to pick him up because the friend had the phone in one hand while she was talking to me, and a drink in the other, and then lit up a joint awhile after that.</p>

<p>Both of these kids really did have me fooled. You really do have to talk to your kids and get them to understand the gravity of riding with other teens. Even if they DON’T drink or get high, the risk is so much greater, and then if they do partake of substances, the risk is compounded even more.</p>

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<p>I’m going to add that I even use a “case by case” basis with my own kids, not even other drivers!! For instance, my 20 year old has a car at college and she is highly responsible and has had a license since her 16th birthday. Believe it or not, I let her drive 6000 miles the summer after freshman year, along with two lifelong friends, to Alaska. She also drives to and from her college which is four hours away. She just drove to her sports training camp related to her college team, that is three hours away. I trust her completely. She calls as she leaves and reaches destinations (these longer trips, not about town). </p>

<p>However, my younger D who is 18, has less experience than older D. She got her license also at age 16. She also was in a death defying crash two months after getting her license in which she was very seriously injured and has recovered. Then she could not drive for a few months and then a few months later, went off to college in NYC at age 16 1/2 and so had less time driving than older D did prior to college, and doesn’t drive the whole year while at college. She drives when she comes home. This past summer, she had a job in another state and we allowed her to take a car to have there, but we drove the car to that state, she did not. She has never driven more than 30 miles in a stint. I was nervous all summer but I had to OK any car trips she made that were not about town and there was one route she made to visit a friend in that state that was about 45 min. away and we drove that route once with her before we let her do it herself last summer. Now, even when she was home ten days ago for a week, she drove, but we still did not let her drive the 45 miles to a city in our state where she was going to meet up with friends because she has never driven there yet and it was also going to be at night. So, she met them only 15 miles from where we live on a route she has driven many times. So, even with my own kids, there are case by case basis situation as to what is OK and what is not when it comes to driving…</p>

<p>That said, once they are in college, my rules are not as “strict”…for instance, the above 18 year old college daughter was in Florida this past week and she rode in cars with college friends who live there (they are ages 19/20) and also in rental car with classmates from her own college who are over 21. I know all the kids involved and I also have been very strong about never riding with anyone who has had a drink and they assure me that they will never do that. I still get nervous but after a while, once in college, I have to let go and hope I taught them right.</p>

<p>I also still aware of any time they travel outside of their immediate area. For instance, my 20 year old when home on break last week, went to a New Year’s Eve party of a college friend who lives in our state about 45 min. away and she chose to spend the night to be safe. Right now that D is in another state for a three week sport training camp for her college team but the team is not all residing at the same residences. Last night she opted to go over to one of the team houses a half hour away and since training is cancelled today due to weather, she spent the night there rather than risk driving home after a social gathering. I am still aware of these things and also still talking about such decisions.</p>

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<p>My son’s friends were always MUCH older than he was in high school. (When he was in 9th grade, his friends were all seniors.) Don’t ask me why they put up with it, but they drove him all over the place–rides home, rides to Seattle to buy weird things. He could con them into taking him anywhere. I initially worried about his friends’ driving skills, but after he spent 15 minutes telling me which friends he trusted and why (“so-and-so just can’t drive in the rain, but is okay for a short ride on a clear day”), I let him go with his judgement. Rarely, he’d ask me to drive him places. He didn’t actually get his license until shortly before he left for college, but since then has spent a LOT of time driving long distances.</p>

<p>Now that he’s twenty, I actually prefer his driving to his father’s driving (don’t tell my husband). He really goes out of his way to drive smoothly and anticipate traffic. (Of course, it may be that my son wears his glasses when he’s driving and my husband doesn’t. “Oh come on, my eyesight isn’t that bad.” Ha!)</p>

<p>My D just returned from an after-Christmas road trip from Seattle to LA and back. She’s been happily driving long distances since she started college and is very clear on her limits.</p>

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<p>Fenrock: I didn’t drive until I moved to this country (28 years old); I used to live in a big city (size of NYC) and it was easier and cheaper to use the public transportation.
My D is also the youngest in her class. When she was a freshman, she started to date a boy three years older than her, and I had for the very first time the dilemma about teenagers driving. He was an excellent driver, but to admit that, it took me a long time. I still do not like my D to ride with her classmates except around town (suburban area), and I still don’t let her drive at night (she got her license two months ago).</p>

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<p>lealdragon, it sounds like you are all set, since your son has proven that he is sensible and does the right thing when questionable situations arise.</p>

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<p>I have a friend who found some sort of contract on the internet that she printed out and made her son sign about driving. You could add or subtract certain things in it…had driving with other teens, night driving, drunk driving etc. so that if there were any infractions she could pull it out where he signed it and there’d be no “I never knew that, Mom!” business. She said its worked out very well…everything in black and white clearly spelled out. I’m definitely going to do it when my kids reach driving age.</p>

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<p>My mother warned me that this would be one of my least favorite periods of parenting…the one in which your kid’s friends drive first…and she was right.</p>

<p>My son is also very young for his grade, and will be last getting his license among his friends (he does have a permit). We have a six month period after licensing where kids are not allowed to drive others and it is broken ALL the time. I am horrified by how few kids obey the law, and how few parents enforce it. We have also told our son that if he drives (or is caught driving, I guess) with a kid under age 17, he will not get his license on time.</p>

<p>He does, however, go places with friends who are currently seniors, and they do go places on the highway. No, I am not completely comfortable at all, but they are responsible kids. I have made the decision that it would be weirder to make him stay home from every event because I was afraid of car accidents, than to let him go and just pray. So that’s what I do…and also make decisions on a case by case basis.</p>

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<p>S could not drive with anyone else in the car except parents until he had had his permanent license for 6 month. He also couldn’t ride with any of his friends until they had their permanent license for 6 months. </p>

<p>It’s too easy for new drivers to get distracted and then get into accidents. I’ll never understand parents who allow their kids who barely have licenses to drive others around or to be driven around by others who are new drivers.</p>

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<p>I’ll second NSM completely. Two years ago a 16-yr old friend was driving two girls around on a rural road only a couple of months after getting his license. The kids were laughing and joking, he ran a stop sign and got hit broadside by a truck. He and one of the girls were killed instantly. This was a great kid, a winner in every way; there was no alcohol, the accident happened in the afternoon. The one and only problem was two other kids in the car and too little attention being paid to driving.</p>

<p>My own son has been driving for a year and a half now, and I still do not allow him to drive to out-of-town destinations using interstate highways, unless I or my husband is sitting next to him. He drives himself everywhere in this town, and often has one or two passengers, but that was not allowed until he had been driving well over 6 months. </p>

<p>You didn’t ask about cell phone use, but I’ll throw this in too. Recently a 12th grade girl from this town died because she ran off the side of the road while talking on the phone, then overcorrected because she was steering with one hand, and ended up in the oncoming lane just as a car came over the hill. </p>

<p>This state has no rules about when a new driver can have passengers. I didn’t realize other states have those laws. As a parent, I think it is a good idea.</p>

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<p>Learner’s Permit - 15 1/2 yrs old for 9 months/40 hrs driving/drivers ed
Driver’s License - 16 1/4 yrs old
Limited use - one non-family passenger if passenger is under 18 until driver is 17 yrs old. Then three allowed. No driving past 11pm until 18 yrs old.</p>

<p>These are a few of the laws for new drivers in VA. We’ve lived here for many years and know our kids’ friends and their parents very well. Still no guarantees, as even experienced adults make mistakes. We let our older son ride only with kids we were confident would obey the laws. We live in the suburbs and there was no driving to the city until there was at least another 9 mths (17 yrs old) behind the wheel.</p>

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<p>This is one of those instances where it depends on the kid and on the circumstance. Where we’ve lived for most of the time of ‘learning to drive’ kids, there has been a graduated licensing process, so they haven’t been permitted (by law) to drive others for a minimum of one year. It takes at least a year to gain the next level and driver’s ed. is required. Two of my Ds attended a high school which was a 45 minute drive away so once they had their full license, they were permitted to drive, rather than take the 1 hour and 20 minute public transit commute. One D drove two friends who also attended. All of my Ds have had extensive driver’s ed classes and lessons and have spent many hours driving either their dad or me around before they were given the okay to drive on their own. They are all very responsible drivers and I always preferred (and still do!) that THEY do the driving rather than their friends. They all realize the friends who are not good drivers and they find a way to politely decline offers of rides from those friends. :)</p>

<p>Having said all that, there is never any guarantee that ANY driver is going to be safe at all times, adults included. Two of my Ds have been passengers in cars when an accident has occurred and both times it was a parent of their friends who was at fault. The reality is that when they, or we, are out on the road in cars, there is always the possibility of an accident. Ensuring that they have been taught well, that they know how to drive defensively, that they always wear a seatbelt and that they are in a car with excellent safety features are the best we can do.</p>

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<p>“…have had extensive driver’s ed classes and lessons and have spent many hours driving either their dad or me around before they were given the okay to drive on their own…”</p>

<p>That’s exactly what we did. We had our son drive as much as possible before turning him loose on his own. And we made a point to point out various situations as they occurred. </p>

<p>It amazes me how some people let their kids skip driver’s ed classes. Sure, it is an expense, and sure, the parent CAN teach the kid, but when my hubby took defensive driving a few years ago, he told me that he was amazed at how he picked up some pointers. So if even someone who’s been driving for 30+ years can learn something, then that shows that even a good driver might not think of EVERYTHING to tell their kids. I justified the cost of the class by reasoning that if my kid learned just 1 little tidbit that I forgot to mention to him, and it saved his life, then the cost of the class was way more than justified.</p>

<p>I also agree that one cannot assume that adults are necessarily good drivers. One time my son told me about a mom who took him and his friends someplace, and she cut across 3 lanes of highway traffic, was talking on her cell phone, and narrowly avoided at least 2 or 3 accidents, all in the span of 20 minutes. He was rattled when he got out of the car. Needless to say, he has never ridden with that mom since.</p>