<p>dke – I’m with you. All the get togethers with your kids and their classmates and parents – tough. Very few people were willing to break out of the “kids and school” discussions. Hard to find people you clicked with. I’m very glad my kids are older and I don’t have a young child. Best form of birth control ever!</p>
<p>“… don’t most people think their opinions are correct?”</p>
<p>Um yes, most people think their opinions are correct … but comparatively few think their opinions are INVARIABLY correct. I have a couple of these in my extended family actually. It’s really hard to like someone who spends their time expounding on how inadequate you are because you don’t agree with their every view. (One common view of such persons is that there is exactly ONE correct opinion on any topic. Ugh.)</p>
<p>Starbright, I really don’t know if we diverge or not. I find most people to be really interesting … which of course means that they are different from me. I’m flawed, they’re flawed … I have strengths, they have strengths … group hug everyone?</p>
<p>For those of you who can honestly say they don’t care what others think of you, would you say that’s partly because most people seem to like you and approve of you? In other words, is your self-esteem generally affirmed because it’s rare that someone expresses a negative opinion of you? I’m thinking it might be harder to hold onto a positivie self-image if it’s seldom validated by others, even if you yourself think you’re OK and doing what you should be. Wouldn’t those people tend to care more what others think?</p>
<p>GFG - I’ve found that people will think of you what they will. While there are times when I need to influence how someone views a certain topic, I’m not really interested in “making” people like me. I’ve found that it’s enough to celebrate the positive things two people (almost invariably) have in common.</p>
<p>GFG–</p>
<p>I will say that I have always cared “less” than my peers about that kind of thing. But, there were sticking points, and places I had some insecurities and questioned, and if someone was judging me in one of those areas, I would question myself.</p>
<p>I think, mostly, when I realized I wasn’t going to be perfect and I was still going to have made the mistakes I made in life, no matter what I did, and that I had genuinely done the best I could in almost every area of my life, I just realized it didn’t matter what other people thought. I couldn’t have done any better, and I wouldn’t have done anything any differently, so why even bother thinking about it.</p>
<p>That’s the long version. The short version? People do really like me. I like them back. But, I’m also not asking anyone permission to be me, and I’m not offering anyone permission to be them. I generally just believe we’re all doing the best that we can, and we are all different.</p>
<p>As Maya Angelou said, “When people know better, they do better.” </p>
<p>So, I’m not really worried about who likes me or doesn’t, and I"m not really thinking about whether or not I like you. It’s just not the perspective I’m using. It’s simply not the question I’m asking. As Einstein said, “The nature of what we learn will be determined by the questions we ask.” (I think I"m paraphrasing that one.)</p>
<p>I’m not looking for approval, and I’m not giving it, either. I think that’s a big mistake women make in our friendships, personally. Maybe left over from our relationships with our moms. who knows.</p>
<p>I understand what poet is saying. I generally don’t feel I need approval, and I don’t think people really care for mine. I do find though, that I am less tolerant of people as I get older. Not in a negative way, but I don’t have to like you or spend time with you. I don’t like negativity around me and I can pick and choose how I spend my time and with whom. This was not me a decade ago. I believe when we are young, we try to be people pleasers and we try to fit to the occasion. But it is freeing to age and not be concerned with those things anymore. I do not apologize for my feelings anymore. They are neither right or wrong, but they are mine.</p>
<p>Poetgrl, that was pretty.</p>
<p>I’ve had occasion to realize lately, in the context of two extreme individuals, that I really do like most people. I’ve also realized that most of the people with whom I’ve crossed paths are fine and decent people, even if I don’t agree or share anything in common with them. Maybe I’ve just been lucky in the people I’ve encountered. That said, I’ve come across two people lately-ish about whom I can say with absolute truth that these are not only not good people, they are actually malicious and, I don’t know, evil sounds too bizarre, but they are definitely on that continuum. But they are so incredibly rare that I don’t see a trend!</p>
<p>I do what I think is right, and don’t care if others agree with my choices so long as I’m confident I made the best decision I could. However, I often pay an emotional and social price for not going with the flow. This started early on as a mom. For example, my group of friends would all decide they were going to put their kids in x summer camp/y soccer team/z recreational class, etc. and carpool. If I didn’t think it was a good camp/team/class, or it wasn’t the best one available for my kid, or was too expensive, I wouldn’t join in the plan. I didn’t critize their plan, but simply said I had made other arrangements for my child. This wasn’t a popular thing to do and had a definite social cost involved.</p>
<p>Often I am the only parent who won’t allow her child to do certain things I think are wrong. I find that makes people angry. Some people think I’m ridiculous/prudish/too strict, etc. and perhaps others get mad because they know they should also have said no but didn’t have the courage to do it. The fact that I did what they should have, makes them feel worse. Sometimes, though, I think my moral code is different than that of most people. So when I don’t go along with a plan like letting my D stand outside Hooters for a fundraiser (see inappropriate fundraisers thread), I am viewed as the bad guy, the critical one, etc. Caring about what others think wouldn’t stop me from doing what I need to do, but it’s hard not to feel alienated at times. So yes, I do care that people think ill of me, but not enough to make me conform. However, I would love to be someone who was liked in spite of not fitting in perfectly.</p>
<p>GFG - Please take the following question … rhetorical question really … in the kindest possible way:</p>
<p>If how people think of you isn’t enough to make you change what you’re doing, what difference does it make … what you think … other people think of you?</p>
<p>It’s no fun being “on the fence” here. Either other people have viewpoints you might incorporate to make YOUR life better … or people have viewpoints that, if incorporated, would not make your life better. Either way, it’s entirely your decision whether to act (or not act). Doing things you don’t believe in just because you think people will like you better may work for some … but it’s poor life counsel.</p>
<p>Of course it’s important not to be judgmental regarding other peoples choices. And you don’t want to be burning bridges unnecessarily. But your life isn’t going to be any better if NewHope and Zoosermom LIKE you. Similarly, if what it takes for Newhope and Zoosermon to like you is having your daughter parade in front of Hooters … well then you’re probably better off having us NOT like you.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I can answer your question, NewHope. Many of us are saying we like most people, and see “flaws” or differences of opinion as interesting and par for the course. Therefore, if you all were to meet me and like me initially, then when I objected to the Hooters fundraiser, you’d probably accept that as my weird hangup if you didn’t share my views and would keep liking me regardless. Similarly, my best friend’s daughter actually did work for Hooters. Obviously, I thought the decision was unwise and certainly wouldn’t have allowed my own daughter to work there. However, this friend, despite knowing my views on such things, still felt free to tell me her D was working there. Nothing changed about our friendship since we like and accept each other even when we don’t agree. I didn’t write her off as a poor parent, and she didn’t write me off as an uptight prude.</p>
<p>So I suppose what I’m saying is that I wish more people would extend me the courtesy of tolerance when my way of being diverges from theirs. Since they don’t, I assume it’s because I’m not likeable enough. I don’t care that they disagree with my choices and opinions, but I guess I care that I’m not likeable enough for them to overlook how I’m different from them and accept me anyway.</p>
<p>And the above post validates the OP’s opinion that too many people are all about ourselves, including me, LOL.</p>
<p>I like most people. I think there’s human worth in nearly everyone. I try to act so as to elicit the best in other people. Sometimes I don’t succeed. I’ve met a few jerks, both in real life and on message boards that I didn’t think had any redeeming qualities, but only a few.</p>
<p>I’ll also add that most of my best friends have the hugest flaws. It seems to make them more interesting.</p>
<p>You know I do in fact like most people, but I can’t say I find everyone interesting. And some people I like more in theory than in actuality. I have some relatives who don’t speak my language & I don’t speak theirs. It’s great, so easy to get along. We can hug, smile & nod, I can appreciate various things they do, I can be supportive, but I don’t have to get embroiled in everything! I save that for the folks I am truly close to.</p>
<p>“You know I do in fact like most people, but I can’t say I find everyone interesting.”</p>
<p>It appears we’ve trudged our way deep into the land of Semantic Overloading. I think I know what Cayuga is saying … surely s/he doesn’t mean that a person must be uninteresting in order to be liked. My sister-in-law’s brother-in-law is one of the dullest persons I know. To the best of my knowledge, he has no interests outside of his work … and he doesn’t “talk shop” except in the workplace. He’s a surgeon. His wife is a bigot and a social climber. Both are extremely opinionated in matters where they have no knowledge or experience. I find neither of these persons interesting … but I sure am curious how these two individuals got to be the way they are.</p>
<p>^Oh i totally get this (I think). I find almost everyone fascinating in some way. Even really objectively dull people or those with what we might think are dull lives, or people I would not be able to live next door to or be relatives with… I would enjoy learning about how they live or think or why they do what they do when I first meet them. It just fascinates me, especially as the variety out there is endless. The more different someone is from me, the more interesting (though not to be lifelong friends, but to like or enjoy meeting or talking to them for awhile).</p>
<p>^ Exactly.</p>
<p>I honestly think it depends on the situation. I mean, I really like most of my coworkers… but we all have a common ground as far as work is concerned… But then I have some customers who are rude as can be so sometimes you just sit there shaking your head…</p>
<p>Is evil more interesting than good? </p>
<p>I’m with strabright: I love to try to figure people out, and learn why they think and do what they do. So I tend to like people who let themselves be known by others. The people I find the dullest and trust the least are the social chameleons. If your favorite fruit is mango, and they’re with you, then their favorite fruit will be mango. Until tomorrow when they’re with someone else whose favorite fruit is pineapple. Then pineapple will become their favorite fruit.</p>
<p>^ Do you ever enjoy the challenge of trying to crack that nut? I know someone who is very successful, and most find very charming, but after years of working with him, I realized I don’t know a damn thing about the guy. I wonder if anyone does. I have yet to figure out how to peek into the cracks and see something other than a superficial facade. But even that is fascinating to me.</p>