I grew up in Europe and it is customary there to never come to somebody else’s house empty-handed. Nothing expensive, just a small toy or book or candy for a child if you send your kid for a sleepover; a dish or wine if you attend a party as an adult. If you visit someone as an adult and stay at their house for a few days you would bring something for every member of the family you are staying with or one larger gift for a household.
This summer we had multiple out of town friends of my kid staying with us for a few days. None of them ever brought anything. I was really surprised since it goes against what my mother taught me and what I taught my children. Is this not a custom here in US?
I think a hostess gift is always nice. I do think such gifts are better if they are “consumables”—chocolate, flowers, etc., or something that can be enjoyed by everyone in the household during the visit. (Says the woman who just threw out the commemorative mug from the hometown of D’s now ex-boyfriend, something that was, admittedly, much appreciated at the time but was taking up room in our already full-to-the brim kitchen cabinets.)
When my children were in middle and high school I always sent something along when they were spending a weekend with another family. I always knew the families so it would be something like a bottle of wine, a box of premium chocolates or something nice from our bakery. I knew what each individual family would appreciate.
Although I always sent something with my children, I did not expect that their friends spending time with us would necessarily do the same thing. Maybe 70% of them did - but not all. Never bothered me either way. It was just something I was always taught, but I understand that others may not feel the need to do so.
My experience is similar to HarvestMoon’s. I think it depends in part on the formality of the invitation and whether the kid or the parent is the perceived host.
I would have said that kids rarely bring hostess gifts on their own, but we had many guests for the Fourth of July weekend, and I was charmed by the number of my daughter’s friends – all recently 21 – who gave me bottles of wine they had selected and purchased themselves. My daughter had hosted these same kids on numerous previous occasions on breaks from college, and I don’t think they ever had previously provided gifts. There was something about their turning 21 that caused grown-up manners to kick in.
When the kids were much younger, and the visits were orchestrated by parents, visitors almost always came with gifts, but ONLY IF the visitors came from far away. In my circle, it wasn’t the custom for kids to bring gifts when coming to neighborhood sleep-over, for example.
Yes always. My son often visited camp friends for a weekend and I always sent him with a hostess gift. When they visited us they always brought a hostess gift, too.
S spent a week at his gf’s parents home in Florida as their guest (they even paid for his flight) and he brought a gift. I only know this because I was in Florida at the same time and we met for dinner one night and he told me. I would have been very disappointed in him if he hadn’t gotten them anything.
I think it is sweet and amusing that the 21’ers thought to bring wine, as the gift of choice.
When in HS, son hosted weekly sleepovers for 4-10 friends. A couple girls would come for the movie or card game, and they brought licorice or stuff. I’m a baker, so there were always fresh cookies or cake, and a fruit or vegetable platter ( often from Costco). Cost was so little, and son could sleep in his bed, there were no siblings to be accommodated, and I kept out of sight.
When I was away, caring for my dad, or off with the jerk/fiancé, I’d ask a parent if son could stay with them for the night. I must admit that now I feel badly that I never thought to thank them with a gift. One family just included my son with them, whether they went to a movie or out to dinner. My son also spent Xmas eve with them, going to midnight mass. When his friend got married, my son flew his g/f and self to their wedding, on thanksgiving. I never pried, but I’m sure that was quite expensive. There is such a mutual feeling of warmth between me and this family, as well as 2 others, that goes far and beyond any token gift.
The boy I focussed on went to one of the military academies. He is one of the finest young men that I have ever known. He is also the one person I would invite to sleep over when the latest Harry Potter book came out, as his parents would insist he go to bed at normal hour. In my house, we would talk at 2:00 a.m. About the plot. After picking up,the book at midnight. (Don’t tell his,parents, we still get along so well).
@bookworm, With a moniker like yours, surely there was some clue about what you might be up to the night a Harry Potter book was released. Your friends probably had their suspicions. Some parents have an easier time relaxing the “rules” if their kids are staying with friends. It was very nice of you to take your son’s friend along to a midnight book event.
Austinmshauri, thanks so much. Funny, but I am a part of the Bookclub at the community, where the boy mentioned lived. His mom always says she is too busy to join the Bookclub, while I work full time and she volunteers. We all have our strengths. When my son ate at their house, he would say she served More for one meal than I do for days!!! She’d have pasta and appetizer, hot meal, salad, dessert. The pasta alone could have been my entree. Still, I cannot think of a more supportive and loving family on this earth.
My son liked the midnight book event. Years later, he told me he went to college town bookstore for another HP book release. Small acts become rituals, of the nicest kind.
Do you all think that, for example, buying the host bagels and lox (or whatever - insert your own type of food) “qualifies” as a hostess gift these days? There’s just so much junk in the world I hate to add to it by buying things that aren’t consumables.
By far the best hostess gift in my book is backyard-grown fruit and vegetables. Note to self: it’s about time to start inviting the folks with the prolific tomato plants and nectarine and plum trees to dinner. (I sadly don’t have any fruit trees or a vegetable garden, so I’m not able to reciprocate).
Before my kids went to college, I was responsible for sending the host a gift. Once they went off to college, they were responsible. They would bring cupcakes, bagels, chocolate, something edible. If they were going to spend few days at friend’s house, I would send something additional.
When I stay with my family and friends now, instead of giving them a gift (a hassle to bring in my carry on) I would take them out to dinner.
I don’t expect it from D’s twenty-something friends who come to stay, but I am always pleased. Prefer consumables; her ex-BF brought a gorgeous set of cloth napkins from Williams-Sonoma when he visited, but after the breakup, I can’t bring myself to use them!
I will say, I have sent D off with chocolates or whatever and she returns home with them still in her luggage. She says she forgets, but she may also find it awkward to give gifts. (I’m kind of weird that way too, but I do it.) S didn’t seem to have that problem (though I don’t know if he remembers to bring gifts now that he’s a grownup) he doesn’t mind being fussed over.
Always. I think it is common courtesy. If someone hosted one of my d’s for a weekend away, I always send a gift. My older d just went on a business trip to Israel and arrived early to spend the Shabbat weekend with my great niece who is her first cousin. She brought a hostess gift for my niece and she brought small gifts for all her cousin’s babies and little ones.
We’ve owned a vacation place with a main house and guest house for 10 years and have had lots of guests. Kids that my kids invited during high school generally didn’t bring hostess gifts–quite a few moms did call and ask if they should send something. I always said no because there was more than enough food around.
During college and beyond, my kids’ friends have arrived with wine or food–jam, homemade bread/cookies/brownies, tins of flavored pop corn. We have also recieved non-food gifts, e.g., a book about summer homes that I really enjoyed (The Big House), mugs that matched ones in the house, a glass crab (again, similar to one that I owned), gift certificates to local restaurants, and a table-runner with stars/stripes that I use every Fourth of July.
All (with a few exceptions) have thanked us at the end of the vist. In all the years, I have received four hand-written thank you notes. Two from college friends of my youngest D (both male) and two from my friends. I am easy to please–a handwritten note is perfect. Also, any guest who helps with clean-up after dinner (we have lots of big dinners in the summer because H and I both enjoy cooking) is always welcome to return.
