Do you tell the truth about your kids?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I just had a really interesting conversation with my mother. I expressed worry about an issue with my daughter and my mother said to me “you think your daughter is less off than your friends kids because most people don’t tell the truth about their kids.” </p>

<p>I wonder if this is true.</p>

<p>Do you tend to share issues and concerns about your kids (like social issues, school issues, and general happiness issues) with adult friends or do you tend to act as though all is amazingly well with your children? I tend to err on the side of honesty but now I am wondering if my adult friends are not…which leaves me feeling that my kids are doing less good than my friend’s children.</p>

2

<p>There is a difference between not telling the truth and not breaking confidences and not sharing things about your child that may be very private to them. You sound like you are very open and share things with your friends about your kids, to gain perspective, support, ect. There is nothing wrong with that. Some people find their children’s social, school, and happiness issues very private and not their information to share. By not disclosing problems that does not mean that everything is always fine. They may just be respecting their kids privacy.</p>

3

<p>I tell the truth but not the whole truth because it would be an invasion of their privacy. Can you imagine telling people your 15yo still wets the bed? What’s to be gained by that?</p>

<p>And I’ll add that, depending on the audience, I don’t tell all the good things either. Only the grandparents get all the good stuff. :)</p>

4

<p>It depends on my relationship with the parent and my kid’s relationship with the offspring of that parent. You’ve got to assume that anything you tell the parent will be shared with their kid, and then probably with the entire school.</p>

5

<p>The short answer is, no, I don’t. </p>

<p>To elaborate, I don’t lie about my kids but I also don’t go into details about their personal lives, health, etc., other than once in a while on a forum where their privacy isn’t being violated. Depending on who’s asking, I might give a brief, “He’s/she’s fine” response or I might mention something positive such as, “He’s really enjoying his new work assignment” or “She decided to join a volleyball league get some exercise after her long hours in the lab.” </p>

<p>When I was a kid, I absolutely hated the way my mother discussed my personal life with practically everyone she encountered. The cashier at the grocery store was told about my GYN-issues and surgery, the mail carrier was told about the boyfriend my mother threatened with calling the police (for what, I have no idea), and all of her country club buddies heard way too much about everything. This is one reason why I couldn’t wait to leave home and never wanted to live in that community as an adult. I later ran into one of mother’s old friends who told me she couldn’t believe how well I’d turned out considering the awful drinking problem I had in high school (for the record - I never drank - that was all my mother’s vivid imagination) and how my poor mother had despaired of ever seeing me interested in anything but boys.</p>

<p>These days, I’m often surprised at the things some people share with dh & me about their kids (and adult children.) One, who’d earlier asked dh about openings at his company for her daughter, talked at length about her kids’ recreational drug use in college, even though she knows that her dd will have to answer questions about that on the job application. Others have talked about their adult children’s plans for or problems with childbearing and similarly private issues.</p>

<p>I’ll talk with dh, our family doctor, or a therapist if there’s some problem involving our kids, but not with friends or relatives.</p>

6

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Give yourself a break and don’t compare your children with your friends’ children. There is absolutely no reason to do it - what matters is how happy and fulfilled your own children are. Period. </p>

<p>I have a few close friends with whom I discuss both good and bad, but only up to the point of feeling comfortable with what my children would be willing to have me share. They are our children, but their lives belong to them.</p>

7

<p>Silpat, I too had a mother who thought she knew everything about me but didn’t. I don’t know how much she shared with others. But she thought (projected??) that my HS BF and I were talking about eloping. She told me that when I was 23 or 24. I told her that wasn’t true, we had not discussed it, and she said to me, “Don’t lie, VeryHappy. I was there.”</p>

<p>Uh, no.</p>

8

<p>I’m very selective regarding what I share about my kids lives with my close friends. I think I know them well enough to know if they would want me to share certain things— yes, my son had a bad auto accident last month, but he’s doing ok. Yes, my Dd is still working with such and such, but looking for something else. These are, imo, issues that are sort of public issues.<br>
But no, I won’t mention if someone is getting over a heartbreak or dealing with a personal health issue. It’s just not mine to share.
And if they aren’t very close friends, they just get the “They’re doing great! How are you?”</p>

9

<p>I would have to say that no, I don’t. I don’t embellish the truth , but I don’t share details about them that are too private either.
Anything that concerns me I will confide in my sisters and my mother , but not friends.
Sometimes I am embarrassed to know personal issues about friend’s children…and will pretend I don’t know if it is something that could be humiliating</p>

10

<p>It depends on the person to whom I am speaking, but I do usually try to play up their accomplishments without being all up in people’s faces about it. For example, I will talk about S1 making the dean’s list with a close friend who probably already heard it from her son. But if I’m speaking with a friend who has a child I know is struggling, I just say he’s doing well at school and working hard. I never like to rub anyone’s noses in anything.</p>

11

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<p>What s/he said.</p>

<p>There are some things that it is just not tactful to mention, either because of your child’s sensitivities or the audience’s.</p>

12

<p>"I too had a mother who thought she knew everything about me but didn’t. I don’t know how much she shared with others. But she thought (projected??) that my HS BF and I were talking about eloping. She told me that when I was 23 or 24. I told her that wasn’t true, we had not discussed it, and she said to me, “Don’t lie, VeryHappy. I was there.” "</p>

<p>Oh my goodness! And you <em>weren’t</em> there? ; ) Sounds all too familiar. My mother’s version of history, no matter how often it changed, was always the correct one. It was bad enough having very personal matters discussed, but worse when the “facts” had little or no connection to reality.</p>

<p>Questbest, I don’t think your friends are necessarily being dishonest. They may just prefer to keep most personal matters within the family. It may be quite true that their children are “just fine” or even “great” in general, and they don’t consider temporary issues with the latest boy/girl friend or a recent quiz to be worthy of note. My dh has always been that way. As long as our kids are healthy and safe, they’re “perfect” according to him. He swears he’s not delusional, he’s just trying to remember what’s important (to him.)</p>

13

<p>I tend to be one of those boring parents that share good news but not the bad. So I guess my kids look better than portrayed.</p>

<p>But I have found that my kids don’t really like me talking about them at all except in the most general way, ie “yes, they did graduate.”. So I am trying not to talk about them at all unless asked. </p>

<p>I also kind of feel dishonest bragging w/o giving the other stuff. And with each of my three children there had been " other stuff" for whatever reason when each has approached or was in their senior year of college.xsc</p>

14

<p>What bad things about your kids would you possibly tell someone that is really none of their business in the first place?</p>

15

<p>OP, I think I have the same problem you have. It’s not that I talk about my kid’s private business, it’s that when I do talk, I’m realistic about him.</p>

<p>I won’t say that other people are dishonest about their kids, because I think that’s harsh, but I do think that many people see their kids through rose colored glasses, whereas maybe I tend to be more accurate in my descriptions? Sometimes this can cause problems. Here’s a couple of examples:</p>

<p>One year I arranged to go on a ski vacation with another friend and her kid. Before we left she asked me how well my kid skied. I replied “I think he does quite well for 7 years old. He’s great on beginner slopes, and does quite well on the intermediates.” Well this mother began to fret. Her kid, who was older, was clearly more advanced, was skiing black diamonds, and she worried that we’d slow her down. I reassured her that it wouldn’t be an issue, that my kid and I would understand if they skied off to more challenging terrain.</p>

<p>So, the first day we arrive, she’s feeling altitude sick so I volunteered to take both kids out. I apologized to her kid saying that we’d need to stick together and go at my son’s pace, and that given that it was a much bigger mountain than he was used to we’d need to start on a beginner slope. We chose the slope they described as the “most challenging beginner slope” and got on the chair lift. </p>

<p>We got to the top and both kids skied off. I stopped to help a child who had fallen and then went to catch up, as I was doing so I could see my friend’s child struggling. It was clear that she didn’t understand how to control her speed or turn, and was clearly over her head. Before I got to her she took a scary fall, coming very close to a serious injury. It took us an hour to get down with me showing her new skills, and having her follow in my ski tracks as she learned to turn and stop. Meanwhile my kid skied on ahead making neat parallel turns.</p>

<p>Now in this case, my concern was safety. Because I clearly misunderstood her, I put her kid in danger. In other cases, though, my biggest worry about is what my kid is hearing. For example, he has several friends on his football team whose fathers talk about how their kids are going to play D1, are going to go pro, etc . . . Several of these kids are, like my kid, second stringers on the lower of the two teams in his age bracket. I don’t tell people my kid is going pro, because I don’t think he will. Instead, when asked “where do you think he’ll play in college” I say things like “Right now, I’m happy he’s found something he loves. I hope he makes the JV team when he gets to high school, after that we’ll see where he goes with it”. But I worry, on one hand I think that’s an accurate statement. On the other hand, I wonder if he overhears us and thinks “my mom’s not proud of me”. </p>

<p>The other thing I worry about is people lowering their expectations of my son based on how I talk about him. When I don’t brag about how “gifted” he is they assume he’s not that smart. Sometimes my son will accomplish something and people will seem surprised. I worry this will translate into lower expectations.</p>

16

<p>I will boast about my kids to my parents who have always made it really clear that they favor their other grandkids. It bugs them and I enjoy doing it. Otherwise, I’m pretty reticent. Parents who brag on their kids are tempting the Gods, imo.</p>

17

<p>I have an in-law who raised the Perfect Child. Beautiful, smart, immensely talented, perfectly behaved, impeccably courteous - and so far superior in every way to all her cousins. </p>

<p>Until, that is, she got to college and imploded first semester freshman year - developed severe anorexia and is now at home under mom’s constant care and watchful eye. </p>

<p>(The truly amazing thing is that the kid is really a very sweet child who has somehow avoided her mother’s acute narcissism.) </p>

<p>Now we don’t hear quite so much from mom - and frankly, it’s a real temptation to brag quietly about the modest but real achievements of our own kids - a temptation that we’ve so far managed to avoid, thankfully.</p>

18

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<p>Academic struggles. Medical struggles. Social issues. Alcohol or drug use. Disciplinary issues at school. Choices your kids have made that you think they will regret. </p>

<p>Sometimes a parent might want to share such things with other adults to get their perspective on the situation, but you’re violating your kid’s privacy if you do it. And you’re risking creating a lasting negative impression of your kid in people’s minds over what is likely a temporary situation.</p>

<p>In my neighborhood, two high school freshmen girls pre-gamed with a horrifying number of shots of alcohol before going to their very first high school football game. They got extremely sick while at the game and were transported to a hospital – a fortunate thing because otherwise they might have died of alcohol poisoning. There were no lasting medical consequences, but there were multiple disciplinary consequences, both at school and with the law. They had to participate in counseling, and their eligibility for driver’s licenses was delayed by several years. </p>

<p>The parents did not talk about the situation (except perhaps to close friends, although I’m not even sure of that). Yet I think they might have wanted to. This was a sudden trip into uncharted territory for both families (their older kids had not done anything similar). They might have wanted to vent and perhaps to get advice from other parents whose kids had been in similar situations.</p>

19

<p>Umm, which truth? I don’t tell ANYONE EVERTHING about ANYTHING. None of us do. No time to live it if you are telling it all. Anything you say is a small part of the whole picture. I don’t think it is appropriate to tell everyone or anyone certain things either. </p>

<p>It is entirely possible and happens all of the time that the kid who is valedictorian and is heading to an Envy League school has had a drug problem, is a rude, nasty kid, steals from the mom, has hit his sister, and worse. You never have the whole story, and you know what? Even as the mom, you don;t know it all about your kid. He could have some great qualities, talents, possibilities and doing some good things that you don’t know, and he could also be doing some rotten things.</p>

<p>It’s a great skill to learn when you are bragging, when it’s appropriate to brag, when you are giving Too Much Information, all of those boundaries.</p>

20

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<p>Good point, Sewhappy. When I was growing up, my mother’s sister did nothing but brag on her six kids, for every little thing. They’ve all pretty much been train wrecks as adults. She and her husband considered me a spoiled brat growing up, but I’ve turned out much better than my cousins. Karma’s a *****!</p>