Does anyone else secretly think their college freshman is kind of a jerk?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Now, before you start beating me up on here let me just say that I love my ds very much, and I also understand that he is trying to grow up and get on with life, so creating some distance between us is necessary. </p>

<p>He only initiates contact if he needs something. I try to limit calling to not more than twice a month and only if I have something important to tell him, because he hates talking on the phone–and that’s always been true as he never talked on the phone to friends either. He doesn’t answer e-mails with any regularity even when I ask a question that requires an answer. I’ve been working really hard at not taking it personally, at adjusting to not knowing much about his life, and to getting on with mine rather than tugging at his sleeve and saying,“Hey! Remember me?! Over here!”.</p>

<p>I know this is all normal, but I guess I can’t be quite the serene adult I’d like to be. I had planned on sending a care package next week before finals with some cookies and some good hot chocolate mix, but I’m wondering if it’s time not to do that stuff anymore. He hasn’t been great about letting me know when he gets things I’ve shipped, so am I being a chump here? Am I being petty if I just willfully forget about him for awhile? I asked about how he was getting home for t-giving in a couple e-mails and got no response, then I got a not sure what’s going on response. I finally called him the Sunday before and he says, “Oh yeah. It would be great if you could pick me up Tuesday. I’m done at 4.” Was he going to wait until Monday night to ask if I could do this? Tuesday morning??? I feel like at this point I should not even ask about Christmas and let him contact me when he realizes he might like a ride home. </p>

<p>So, for those of you who hear from your kids all the time–nevermind. But for those of you who don’t, what is your approach? Do you send care packages? Do you call regularly? How long do you go without any contact at all? </p>

<p>Should I send him a care package of dental floss and old newspapers? Perhaps I could find his old superhero underwear from kindergarten and send that.</p>

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<p>You might find it helpful to read this cc “classic” thread: (“We miss him maybe he doesn’t miss us” started by helms2lee…don’t know if my link will work)</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/237053-we-miss-him-maybe-he-doesn-t-miss-us.html?highlight=helms2lee[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/237053-we-miss-him-maybe-he-doesn-t-miss-us.html?highlight=helms2lee&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>^ That’s a great thread. I have it saved in my bookmarks folder.</p>

<p>My son isn’t a jerk, but he isn’t as communicative as we would like. We don’t hear from him often (maybe every 2 weeks) and don’t get a whole lot out of him when he does call or email. It was nice to have him home for Thanksgiving but he quickly reverted into his pre-college behavior which was to spend most of his time in his room. He was pleasant to be around when he was around, though. Since he’s been back at school this week, we haven’t heard from him and we probably won’t hear anything until next week. I honestly think that he just focuses on his own life and sort of pushes us to the back of his mind. If he needs something, suddenly we pop into the forefront of his mind. ;)</p>

<p>I’m sending him a care package. Hopefully he will acknowledge it right away, but if it’s like last time, it might take a day or two.</p>

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<p>My guess is that a care package would always be appreciated, even if you never hear a word of thanks.</p>

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<p>Not a parent so I may be off-base here, but I wouldn’t send a care package or chase him around to find out when he needs a ride home for break. He is trying to establish his own life, and that’s great, but he needs to learn that his family isn’t going to be on standby for him. Chances are he wouldn’t acknowledge a care package, so why bother putting it together – let him live with whatever snack food choices are available to him at school, even if it means having to waste time going to the store during finals time. As for the ride, you know if he was riding with a friend/friend’s parent he would be more considerate and not expect that they’d be able to get him at the last second, so you deserve the same. I would maybe give him a few dates/times that are convenient to me, and if that means he has to stick around a day or 2 after his last exam or ride at an inconvenient time, he’ll deal with that. </p>

<p>Chances are his attitude will start to improve next semester and over the college years because establishing independence isn’t as much of an issue then and most kids start to realize how good they had it at home; when that starts to happen, you can start to send care packages, try to work around his schedule for rides etc. as he’ll at least be more appreciative. If it helps, I doubt that he’s purposefully being difficult; I think that frosh year is a lot to deal with and one only tends to think about themself and what they need at that exact moment. That’s fine and probably expected, but it doesn’t mean that you should be going out of your way and then getting no appreciation; let him get through this stage however he wants and when he becomes more appreciative, things can get back to normal in the next yr or so.</p>

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<p>Helenbeck,</p>

<p>I can oh so relate. I wouldn’t use the term jerk, but I have been feeling the same way. D is about 150 miles away, “forgot” to book a bus ticket, also had a Dr appointment the Wednesday day before Tgiving. I Drove down and back to get her for this appointment, a hellish 8 straight hours with traffic. We saw her Tgiving and that was about it, the rest of the time off with friends. Her dad drove her back took him 12 hours, she wouldn’t even go for something to eat with him, so he could regroup after the horrendous drive in Sundays traffic. My birthday was the other day, he had to call her to tell her she had better call me, she did, “Hi, Happy Birthday, I got to go bye”. </p>

<p>I only hear when there is a Hiroshima occurring and I have the bomb dropped in my lap. Otherwise barely A WORD.
I don’t call anymore, I feel Im bothering her, I can get into a huff so I spare myself the hurt feelings. She will be taking the bus the next time. Yeah Im still miffed. So I can relate to the superhero underwear care package.</p>

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<p>I told my daughter the first 2 weeks that I missed her like crazy despite the fact that I have a husband and another child home. I went into a mild depression(the kind that made me wanted to surf CC all the time). I said to call home more often and she eventually did, a lot more regularly. No care package whatsoever was needed.</p>

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<p>DS1 has always been and remains the worse of my kids for communicating. At the end of freshman year we put our foot down and said we expect a return call within 24 hours of calling him or tuition would not get paid! And we meant it!! We felt that we had the right to be reassured once a week that he was alive and well. </p>

<p>He’s in grad school now and I get a call exactly once each week. Even if he needs something he saves what he has to say until Sunday evening when he makes the call! He also never spoke on the phone in high school and uses a fraction of the cell phone minutes each month as my other two.</p>

<p>DD often calls several times a day to tell me something exciting that just happened! I guess it’s a girl thing.</p>

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<p>Your son’s behavior is totally normal. Eventually he will start to treat you like a human, rather than some disease. You may want to read this adorable post, copied I believe from another CCer last year. [Sorry I can’t attribute it correctly] It has helped keep me my sense of humor when dealing with our college age S.</p>

<p>"Okay, this is an email forward, but I think it describes what we are all experiencing. It’s called “The Cat Years”.
Quote:
I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. It’s so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it’s head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.</p>

<p>Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won’t see it again until it gets hungry – then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you’re serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.</p>

<p>You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won’t go on family outings. Since you’re the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.</p>

<p>Only now you’re dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away. Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.</p>

<p>One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, “You’ve been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you.” Then you’ll realize your cat is a dog again.</p>

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<p>Helenback, your S and my fresh. s may be twins separated at birth. I can count his calls since Aug. on one hand (with fingers left over). I send emails that are never answered (prob. because he doesn’t read them). Senior S never ansered emails either. </p>

<p>At the beginning of the semester I called every week to ten days but stopped when it appeared that I was bothering him. Being the sharp tack that I am, I figured out he was tired of anserwing my trivial (to him) questions when he hung up on me! </p>

<p>Now I call approx. every two weeks. The less I call, the better he reponds when I do call. I don’t let the non-calling bother me anymore. Older S doesn’t call much either. When freshman S is here to visit, he’s always out with friends or in his room on the computer. Thanksgiving dinner was the only meal he ate with us in five days last week. </p>

<p>S2 would have to go to an office way across campus(big state u) to pick up a care package. It would only be an aggravation to him. He would prefer an extra $10 in his bank acct. to buy his own stuff. There will not be a care package. I learned this lesson when I sent one to S1 at the beginning of fresh. year and he let me know it was more trouble than it was worth to him. </p>

<p>My friends with girls get calls, texts,emails all the time. Most guys aren’t geared to that.
They’re trying to cut the apron strings and don’t mean to be hurtful. It’s just part of the process. Hang in there.</p>

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<p>I’m so glad to come across this topic. My younger son is just like this. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to open up. Sometimes it will keep me up at night when I think of all the times we sit together and try to make conversation. Some times are better than others. He dosn’t return phone calls or e-mails on a regular basis. I know he loves us it’s just that I would like to know a little more about his life, and I’m not even a nuisance when it comes to asking questions. My older son is much more open so I don’t feel so left out. I’m just hoping he comes around when he’s older.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t send a care package, and I would hope but not expect that he’d figure out why.</p>

<p>People need to stay in touch to maintain relationships. These immature boys don’t understand that.</p>

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<p>just for you moms of boys, its not “just” boys. Mine is female and behaving the same exact way. Though in the beginning she did text alot, that too has faded.</p>

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<p>Thanks for commiserating! I like the dog/cat years thing. I find it interesting that the one post from a non-parent says not to send the care packages for a while. I don’t doubt that he’d be happy to get something, but I don’t want to reinforce that he can be so non-communicative and still get all the perks–but it’s also that I’m feeling very petty about it all at this point. I am restraining myself from sending the care package–which is pecan snowball cookies and really great hot cocoa mix–to one of his friends from home who would really appreciate it. I know, it’s a mean thought! </p>

<p>I’m happy to let him establish his independence and I know he’s not being intentionally difficult. I understand that we’re not supposed to be the center of his universe anymore. I’m just not sure how to behave in this current situation. On the one hand, I feel that I should just lower my expectations but continue doing the things I’ve always done–and let him sort it out on his end. On the other hand, I’m really starting to feel it’s stupid to do nice things for someone–even my own child–who doesn’t seem to appreciate it at all. If this is the time for him to establish his independence, then is this also the time for me to set the boundaries of my adult relationship with him? I’m not a doormat anywhere else in my life, so should I not make that clear to him? </p>

<p>I am actually going to start another thread about the impending Christmas visit home because that raises another issue. I was prepared that we probably wouldn’t see much of him other than on Thanksgiving day, and we actually saw more of him than I expected. The big problem is that he’s nocturnal and his little brothers got pretty annoyed waiting for him to get up and play. He and his friends stayed up all night so they could go to Best Buy at 5 am on black Friday, and after that he was pretty exhausted. I’m starting to feel apprehension about having him home for three weeks on that schedule, and I’d like to hear from other parents how they handle it.</p>

<p>So, anymore votes on the care packages? Do I play it cool and stop contacting him? I didn’t feel comfortable doing that in the beginning but now that I know he’s happy and doing well and has friends, should I just leave him alone? Man–I make really great care packages too! If you’re a student reading this and give me good advice–I’ll send you the care package!</p>

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<p>I was with three friends recently who have freshmen–three sons, one daughter. The daughter calls her mother daily just to chat. The rest of us rolled our eyes, because that just isn’t going to happen with our guys. Establishing that “new normal” is hard. In the beginning, my husband and I felt like we used to feel back in our youths when a girlfriend/boyfriend dumped us: pouting, cranky, feeling sorry for ourselves, thinking of ways to retaliate (“If he can’t even call, well, he can just forget the homemade pumpkin bread. So there.”). Toward the end of October, something clicked, and he started finding it easier to be in touch. Thank you, President-Elect Obama. The excitement was rising, Obama came to his campus, he voted, and it was just generally a thrilling time in our political-junkie family of Democrats. Since then he’s e-mailed and IM’d more (I have learned to keep my IM on during the day. But I do not let him interrupt me while I’m working. So there.)</p>

<p>Toward the end of this after-Thanksgiving week I’m remembering that I actually had plans for my post-kid life, and I haven’t acted on a single one since August: go to the gym, read, knit, take more walks, keep the house neater, finish the outside winter clean-up earlier than usual, do fun things we both like to do. Neither has my husband. All of us CC moms might feel a lot better if we stopped waiting for the phone to ring or the IM thing to pop up and focused more on ourselves! We deserve it. They’ll always be there, and they’ll come around.</p>

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<p>s is a night owl too on breaks and I HATE it. Stays up till around 3 and then gets up around noon (on good days - bad days it’s 1 or 2). I guess it’s common for college students. I kid him about it and don’t force him to adhere to MY schedule. Just happy to have him home for a bit.
Can’t wait till he has to get up in the morning for a job…like normal people. Now, if he can’t find a job this summer…we may have to talk. Don’t think I could handle this kind of schedule for a WHOLE summer.</p>

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<p>I see two different issues here, and I think gender differences are mixed up in this to some extent. The first issue is communications, “keeping in touch,” “opening up,” letting us know what is going on, etc. Many males (and some females) are just not that communicative. That probably will not change, although you have a right to expect some minimum level of responsiveness.
The other issue, though, is ingratitude. This is the failure to respond to a care package, the failure to understand the inconvenience of making you drive a long distance to pick them up, and totally ditching you during the holiday. This, I think, is an important topic and an opportunity for a life lesson.</p>

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<p>S is a a sophomore (albeit a young one, just turned 19 in October)</p>

<p>He didn’t talk to me much when he lived here, so I didn’t expect much when he went to college in the Big Apple. </p>

<p>The first year, I shipped him everything from Q-tips to soup bowls to heat up in his microwave (he was on a meal plan). I asked for acknowledgment that stuff arrived and sometimes got that from him (or I followed up). When he realized I was going to check, every time, he started sending an email. “HERE” in the subject. Not a word more.</p>

<p>This year, not so much. He is in an apartment style dorm and does all his own shopping and cooking (living across the street from Trader Joe’s has been great). He’s buying his own toiletries now too. </p>

<p>I sent an email to him last week “my plan for giving you money for next semester”. you’d think that would get a response. Nope.</p>

<p>Whenever I call, it’s always a bad time. I do send text msgs because I know he will at least look at that (who knows if he reads the entire body of an email).</p>

<p>BUT, there is hope. He does call home and when he does it’s a good time to talk because HE initiated the call. I’m always so happy to hear from him. I don’t get tons of details about personal life (hey, he’s a Guy!), but the less I try to initiate contact, the more I hear from him. Cue reverse psychology lesson.</p>

<p>You are not alone and your kid is normal.</p>

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<p>Brilliant advice, Geezermom! </p>

<p>We did talk politics during the election and it was fun to send him the SNL debate stuff, but I also hear a lot of, “I am incredibly busy.” Really? I mean, 15 hours and no part time job, how bad can it be? It reminds me of a recent Office episode when Andy is dieting and says it’s the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life. Then he says, “I haven’t had a very hard life.” Apparently my son hasn’t had a very busy life either. :)</p>

<p>I have two more at home–13 and 9–so I’m not free to fly the nest yet. I have enjoyed having more time with those two as the house was pretty well dominated by teenagers last year, but I also have most of the same routines I had last year so I can’t really say it’s freed up a lot of time.</p>

<p>That’s a great analogy about being dumped. As I said on another thread,</p>

<p>If I’d known all my hard work and years of mothering were going to be rewarded by me being discarded like an old sock, I might’ve spent less time baking cookies and more time on the couch with a tumbler of bourbon. </p>

<p>I’m kidding. I don’t even drink, but you know what I mean.</p>

<p>My two closest friends have daughters, and I think they pretty much openly pity me now because they talk to their daughters all the time. </p>

<p>That was a happier and more appealing way to think about it–time to focus on ourselves!</p>

<p>So Geezermom–care package for finals, or not?</p>

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<p>I’m female, and I was definitely more on the non-communicative side (though if a parent asked a question, I would answer, and I would <em>always</em> show gratitude for a care package or other gift). I felt crowded, as an undergrad, if expected to talk with my parents more than once a week. I talk a lot more with my parents now, but I cannot imagine contacting them daily, or several times a day, to tell them about random things in my life, like some of the parents here are claiming that daughters do.</p>

<p>A word of warning to all the parents - if you bring grades (and lectures about grades) into ~every conversation, regardless of how it started or who initiated it, you are likely to make your kid a lot less inclined to talk to you. In some families, there might be other issues (anything that the kid fears being lectured over) that are similarly communication-busters if brought up all the time.</p>