<p>I too have younger ones at home, I breath a sigh of relief around 6pm, no drama of the older teen years, all are home under my roof, wont last forever, Im enjoying my younger ones more because of it,
knowing all too well, they will also discard me as an old sock too. </p>
<p>No care package vote here, but Im in the same tossed old sock mode as you are so not an unbiased vote.</p>
<p>Freshman DAUGHTER here who rarely calls, better with a text, never acknowledges a care package. Child who is a senior called her and told her to call me more often and do it 5 minutes before calss so she would have an excuse to make it a short call! lol</p>
<p>I decided to skip the care package. Why put it together and stand in a long post office line if she can’t even call and say YUMMY?</p>
<p>I sent my son a care-package early on his freshman year and he didn’t thank me. Over Thanksgiving break I told him that I would be more in the mood for sending him goodies if I got a thank-you. He’s been good ever since. Sometimes they just need to be taught what to do. </p>
<p>I’ve found for us the best way to get an answer to a question is to IM him, other parents may prefer texting. He generally answers right away and I am careful to keep things brief.</p>
<p>Our son has never been one to talk on the phone and his friends tend to initiate contact. We agreed that we would have a short phone call once a week on Sunday mornings (a mutually agreed on time). It’s like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him, but it does sort of satisfy our need to talk to him. </p>
<p>Since our son was no different in high school, I was not at all surprised not to hear from him - I’d have been astounded if he’d acted differently.</p>
<p>My older S continues “jerk-like” behavior a quarter into junior year. I learned after freshman year not to send care packages since he neglected to pick them up at the campus post office for weeks and was never appreciative of my efforts. I have concluded that the contents remained in the priority mail box in the corner of his room. He never called and ignored emails freshman year. The second year I demanded two calls a week. That was followed somewhat but always with the girlfriend with him. I had to then ask that he call when he was alone. He always called when he was walking to class or riding his bike and the noiselevel from wind or other students made a conversation impossible. This year he has thrown the required phone calls to the wind and now even ignores voicemail. When he does call or email it is always how incredibly busy he is. He asked for a new comforter since it was getting cold there and said he had no time to go out and buy one. I raced out and shipped him one with new towels etc. I sent it UPS since they deliver to the dorm rather than the post office, which he never will go to. I begged him to let me know when he got it. No answer. Tracking showed it was in the dorm office. For more than a week he ignored me and did not pick up the box which he asked for and was only four floors down. Then he finally wrote me an email saying he was too busy to get it and did not want to “hear sh** about not getting things done.” Oh boy was I angry.<br>
Over Thanksgiving week, he was off school but stayed on campus, he only called briefly on the big day. No classes, no studying, but too busy. Since he is no longer on a meal plan this year, I deposit a specific amount in his account each week for his food (he is responsible for personal items and books). Although I had him set up his bank account to provide email notification of deposits, etc. I never get any acknowledgement regarding the money. I finally told him at least forward me the email from the bank. So this week he did, but could not even write the 6 letters for thanks with the forward. When he called Sunday, I said I wanted him to get back to the mid week call also. He said ok and I asked him to commit to Wed or Thurs. He said he couldn’t. I finally had enough and insisted on a commitment. So it is today. We will see. His next quarter tuition is due 12/15.<br>
I will not call him a jerk, but his behavior is definitely jerk-like and has not improved. There are windows of wonderful communication when he shares a success or a failure. But often he keeps the latter instances to himself. I love him and miss him. But sometimes he really ****es me off. As all can tell from this post.
So in conclusion- no care packages for my son.</p>
<p>I have always like that cat/dog analogy! My own cat-son has Asperger’s and as a result he has been a cat all his life! (There is even a humorous book written about the extreme uncommunicative/unappreciative nature of individuals with Asperger’s - what some call the extreme male brain - called, “All Cats Have Asperger’s”). But even Asperger’s cats CAN change as they mature. S is now in his third yr of college and over the past year or so, each time we see each other or talk, I see more and more of his hidden “dog” personality emerge (yes it WAS there all the time). In fact, when S was home last week, I kept wondering what had happened to my (cat) son and who was this polite and considerate (dog) stranger inhabiting his body??!! </p>
<p>S really shocked me last week; his first day home he went out to Best Buy and bought me an “early” Christmas present - a large flat screen TV! Probably the first major purchase he has ever made in his life, with his own money. And not even for himself. S did make a point to justify the “extravagance” of his gift - he has been working a full-time engineering co-op job for the past 5 months, and has worked a lot of overtime, and the TV had come out of his overtime earnings, which, in his words, “It’s extra so I should be able to spend it anyway I want, shouldn’t I?” How can one argue with that? </p>
<p>With respect to sending a care package or not, the reason for sending a care package seems pretty obvious to me: to say we STILL care (ergo, the name) and to show our love and support of our now adult-age kids. Unconditionally. Even if the “rules” of the parent/child relationship are changing and neither side has quite figured them out… </p>
<p>(I feel like I am finally getting a pretty nice “return” for a couple of care packages sent over the years - and I don’t mean the TV! 
)</p>
<p>My S is pretty much the same as the others. I sent him a couple of batches of homemade cookies during the quarter. Given the price of postage, I think I’ll let him buy his own from now on.</p>
<p>My #2 is a “jerk” but I love her. I just go along with it and don’t take any of it personally.
She went 600 miles away to school, rarely comes home and has made her own nice little world.<br>
When in high school - she rarely left the house - or her room. She did some stuff but mostly read. We thought she would never survive on her “own” - remember to go to class, wash her clothes or even take a shower! Okay the last one was harsh, but you get the idea! She is actually quite brilliant but gets lost in her own world.
She hardly ever calls me. I call her. I have a knack of calling at inconvenient times - usually while she is at dinner. So last year she gave me specified hours which I could call - between 10 am and noon on Saturday.<br>
So, I go along with it. We honestly, do have a good relationship but she kinda forgets about me until she needs something.</p>
<p>Kids this age and into their early 20’s are notoriously self-centered. I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing -when else in their life will they have this opportunity?
They call or email when they need something. I live on “no news is good news”.</p>
<p>Again, there is a big difference between failure to communicate and ingratitude. When I read curious77’s post (#24), I couldn’t help thinking that this young man could use a semester or school year off to work in a real job, while living at home. Of course, there is also a difference between a jerk and a procrastinator, so it’s hard to judge any particular situation without all the facts.</p>
<p>My mom and I speak when we have something to say. We are not people who communicate every aspect of our daily lives to each other. I can’t imagine what kind of conversation you would have with someone who forced you to call them, it seems to me the whole calling thing would just become a big chore that you never wanted to do, and it would be a shame to feel like you hated speaking to your mom.</p>
<p>But on the subject of care packages and such, I think you should teach your child basic good manners. If he doesn’t thank you for your care package, don’t send any more. If he calls late to ask for a ride, tell him it’s too late and you already made other plans and you’ll come get him when it’s convenient for you.</p>
<p>I send care packages every so often – either home-made cookies or a bunch of store bought stuff that I think he’ll like (decor around the holidays, etc). Sometimes we hear from S1 when it’s delivered, sometimes the thanks comes later. I don’t sweat it; frankly I go days or weeks at a time without thinking of him either. I send packages because I want to; not for the response.</p>
<p>My husband tends to hear from him by IM, and usually regarding schoolwork. I email occasionally, forwarding interesting articles/photos/jokes, something we started during the election season. He emails me when he needs household advice or recipes. Not a regular correspondence.</p>
<p>But I am glad that he texts his younger brother regularly, sometimes daily. They’re the ones who really need to stay in touch.</p>
<p>A little benign neglect goes a long way in these situations. Last summer D (as a 16 year old) went abroad to visit our exchange student on a ticket provided by the family of the exchange student. We really didn’t know what they had planned or where they were traveling and got an email from daughter saying she wouldn’t be able to send us any further emails as they would be away from a computer. Meanwhile she was facebooking away to her friends here (saw one in the store who told me where D had been). I sent a email to D suggesting that some of her facebook friends might want to pick her up from the airport when she came home. Communications immediately improved! Children will treat their parents like doormats as long as the parents let them. Especially in the college situation, parents hold all the cards. College students aren’t too busy to contact their parents ( I should know I teach at a college) they simply choose not to because nothing will change if they don’t. If a kid can’t tell you when they are coming home, let them cool their heals for a few hours when they arrive and the info will come much quicker next time! If you are providing the funding for their college experience than no time should be inconveniet when you call and I think a parent should feel free to point this out when the occasion arrises. Just my two cents.</p>
<p>That was my line of thinking, tli83! It really isn’t time consuming to send an e-mail to say thanks for the package.</p>
<p>I have not made a rule about him calling me because I know he hates talking on the phone, and I try not to call him unless there is a real purpose and I have something to ask or something to tell him. That way we avoid the awkward, “Hey, how’s it going?” “Fine.” 45 second conversation. </p>
<p>I suppose the bright side of this is I’m not missing him so much anymore. :)</p>
<p>Helenback,
I am here to tell you that there may be hope on the horizon for our “jerk” sons. My S#1 was really non-communicative in college. Rarely answered emails, if ever, and I rarely emailed. I would send fresh baked brownies periodically and rarely get an acknowledgment that they had arrived. Heck, we once picked this kid up from a summer program and found UNOPENED letters we had sent him. :rolleyes: He is now 23 years old and in his second year of grad school. My how things have changed! He is halfway across the country now and calls frequently. He often calls to talk with me about recipes, now that he is really cooking for himself and entertaining others. There are times when he calls and is so chatty and I don’t feel like talking, but of course I try to spend the time and listen. I think they outgrow their “jerky” stage. But it’s hard to wait. You’re not alone.</p>
<p>We have two daughters. One graduated in May and is (and always has been) a fabulous communicator. The other, a sophomore in college, is not. They are just two very different human beings. Older D will answer every single e-mail I send with at least a one word answer - “haha”, “cute”, “interesting”, etc. We were getting NO response to most e-mails to younger D until I talked to her at Thanksgiving. I said, “At least hit the reply button and ‘send’ so I know you have seen it” - she now does that, but usually with no text accompanying the reply! </p>
<p>Older D doesn’t text, but younger one will. She shares things she finds interesting/exciting that way. I may get a text that is just a photo of her new badge she wears when volunteering at the children’s hospital. I know then that is something she is proud and excited about. She sent me several text photos of beautiful falls trees (even if they were the size of postage stamps!) - at least I knew she was looking around and taking in the beauty of fall while walking across campus. I will get one word texts like, “snow!”. I know she uses texting because she can control the “length” of the conversation thats okay. We have found that she communicates better when we wait for her to call, as she is calling at a time that is best for her. As for packages, I usually have to ask if she has received them. When I do she says, “Oh yeah, sorry, yes I got it - thank you.” Not what I would prefer, but it is what it is. </p>
<p>When younger D says she is busy, I believe it. She is at a very challenging school, is double majoring and minoring, also taking the premed prereqs, plays in two musical groups, and volunteers off campus twice weekly along with all the other stuff going to college entails. She is working her tail off to try to do well and I know that is her #1 priority right now. H and I say that when she is at school and in “study mode” it is like she has her head stuck in a tunnel and only sees what is at the end - the upcoming orgo test, the concert Tuesday night, the paper due on Friday, etc. etc. She sees nothing happening on the periphery - she doesn’t go to parties, doesn’t reply to e-mail, doesn’t acknowledge packages that were sent. She is never rude, these things are just not in her line of vision right now. </p>
<p>As far as whether or not to send the care package, I would base it solely on his attitude. Is he rude or just preoccupied with school? Rude and ungrateful no package. If he is just trying to navigate this new college world and is preoccupied at the expense of communicating and showing gratitude, I would sent it.</p>
<p>I’m glad you posted Denquist because I thought it was a gross overstatement to constantly be saying he was too busy to keep in touch. </p>
<p>The thing is, I’m not paying for his college. He got a couple of terrific scholarships that cover everything but books. We paid for those. He uses his own money for spending and extras. I don’t really have that as leverage. He’s obviously dependent on us for lots of other things, but I can’t claim I’m paying for school. </p>
<p>My dh and I already agreed that we’re not going to ask when or how he’s getting home for Christmas. He could possibly catch a ride with a friend but he has the last final on Friday night and I doubt anybody will want to hang around. I actually thought about leaving him Thanksgiving break until Wednesday morning, but the dorm closed at 10AM. It will probably be the same at Christmas. </p>
<p>You are right that if I keep being a doormat he’ll keep treating me like one.</p>
<p>I have some anxiety issues ( like waking up in the middle of the night wondering if my girls are okay LOL ) My problem I know, but my kids are very considerate and text or call daily. My youngest is a freshman and very far away, so we have a deal that she will contact me to let me know she is alive and well. Sometimes that means I get a text message that says " alive" and that’s fine LOL Takes her seconds and makes me sleep a lot better. I’m glad they indulge me.</p>
<p>
I have to disagree with part of this–I think it is by definition rude to fail to express gratitude for a package that is received. It is an obligation to do so, and a person who doesn’t learn to respond appropriately will have problems in the future.</p>
<p>Helenback - Forgot to mention that my sister and I (she has a soph son) just died laughing when you first posted the “discarded like an old sock…tumbler of bourbon” comment - classic!</p>
<p>He’s not rude, he’s just wrapped up in his new life. I know he’s not tossing the packages aside unopened. I had called last night with a question and asked him to call me back, and so far no response. </p>
<p>In the very beginning of the semester when I was not sure how he was adjusting and if he was happy, and was hearing absolutely nothing I entertained several evil ideas. I tried to enlist a friend of his that’s in a class with him to catch him after class one day and say, “Glad to hear your little brother made it through the surgery o.k.” or “It’s great your mom is finally out of the hospital.” So tempting–but she wouldn’t do it anyway. She said it was cruel. She did say I can e-mail her to ask about him. Perhaps she’d be willing to trip him in the hallway, or stick a “kick me” sign on his back. It could say, “kick me because I never call my mom.”</p>
<p>I suppose I better set him straight on this before I do some terrible prank!</p>
<p>I wonder why curious77 “demands” phone calls?
I don’t send care packages. My kids have money in the bank from their jobs, they have a meal plan and later in college had a car. But there are plenty of places they can go to buy the things they need.
The only child I send a care package to is my child in military school - kind of a necessity then.</p>
<p>I dont “demand” phone calls. I don’t give my kids money regularly either. If they need something they ask. Sometimes backing off, gets you more.</p>
<p>Helenback - trust me - if your son needs you he will find you!</p>