<p>Hunt - you are correct, it is rude to not express thanks for a package. I hear from my sister, etc. that they receive beautiful handwritten thank yous from her when they have sent something. As her parents, we don’t expect handwritten notes and we probably let it slide because what we send falls more into the category of necessity than a gift.</p>
<p>
Again, I don’t agree with this. Being wrapped up in his new life is not a justification for failing to meet basic obligations. I think the point is conveying to these young people that appropriately expressing gratitude is a basic obligation. This is different from wanting to know how he is adjusting (answer: "OK) or if he is happy (answer: “I guess.”).</p>
<p>MidwestParent–well really! I mean, I know we don’t mother because we think we’re inspiring slavish devotion. Still, it is very time consuming–and think about the throw up and poop you had to deal with over the years. You’d think now that we’re reasonably assured we that our semi-adult children are not going to be using the shower curtain as toilet paper or throwing up on your back(that actually happened to my dh)–now that the grossest part is over, shouldn’t we get to enjoy the fruits of our labor? Just when they become lower maintenance then they go off and have their own lives! My friend Andrea’s college aged boys asked her what she wanted for mother’s day. She said, “I want you to take me to lunch and pretend like you like me.”</p>
<p>Well, hey, I have plenty of people that don’t have to pretend–they really actually like me! Well, maybe not plenty, but I have some. :)</p>
<p>This thread makes me feel somewhat better because my daughter pretty much had me convinced that her brother cornered the market on jerkiness and lack of empathy.
I DO see signs of improvement (22 yr. old junior). I actually have a moment of crushing anxiety when I see that he is calling me, due to the nature of some past calls! I usually see him on AIM once a day or so, which lets me know he is still alive. We are actually in pretty much contact, although there isn’t a lot of substance to that contact. He does take an interest in the company that employs me and in our family pets, so I guess there is some connection still.</p>
<p>I think our our freshman S has become a bit less of a jerk since he started college. He sent a newsy email back to relatives who emailed him at his new college email address. Sent cards for Grandma’s, Dad’s and Mom’s birthdays. Has been wonderful about keeping in touch (texts, IM, email, phone calls) with younger sibling (who he was a jerk to, previously), and talks to us parents at least every week or so. </p>
<p>The absolute most wonderful thing happened when we visited him for Parents Weekend. He was going to do some studying late Saturday afternoon, so we said we would get him caught up on laundry before we went back to our hotel. The kid absolutely oozed appreciation and gratitude, before and after. Funny, since he never seemed that appreciative of us doing his laundry the previous 18 years we did it.</p>
<p>My suggestion: Don’t send him a care package for semester finals. At Christmas, casually mention that you had thought about sending him one, but didn’t because it seemed like the previous one didn’t thrill him too much. If he says he did appreciate the earlier one, tell him he needs to make sure he communicates that to you in a timely manner, if he wants to continue receiving them.</p>
<p>My kid could be quite a jerk his senior year, so any change was for the better. Maybe your kid wasn’t that bad last year so is just getting to the full jerk stage now, before he starts to turn it around a bit? Here’s hoping that’s the case.</p>
<p>Glad to hear you say that, Hunt! I think that’s at the root of my problem. I am trying to be understanding and accomodating but really I feel that he needs to be more considerate. I don’t feel like being understanding or accomodating anymore because I feel like I’m teaching him the wrong thing.</p>
<p>MomofWildChild: My s has always been the kid everybody loved because he’s so kind and good. Teachers adored him. Parents of his friends were thrilled to have him around. I could always count on him to be generous and kind to those around him, only now, not so much. It does make me feel better to get on here and see so many people going through the same thing.</p>
<p>My son is now a senior and our relationship is still in flux. I can see him trying hard not to be a jerk, but there are still lapses. It takes time for them to change to seeing you as a person and a source of unconditional support after seeing you as an authority figure for a lifetime. Looking backwards, I can see what worked and what didn’t. Some of these aren’t easy!</p>
<p>Good = continuing to send care packages, calling if we hadn’t heard from him in more than a week, when calling saying “have I caught you at a bad time?” to give him a polite way out if he can’t talk, having a list of things to talk about and keeping it short, pretending not to notice childish displays, asking for advice and opinions, calling him out on any outlandish behavior but making it sharp and clear and over quickly, lavish appreciation for grownup and kind behavior, sharing tales of our new and fun lives</p>
<p>Bad = displaying any signs of feeling like a martyr, calling more than once a week, giving academic advice which comes off as mistrust, guilt trips, judgements (outloud)</p>
<p>I don’t want to harp on this too much, but I think it’s worth emphasizing, especially to mothers with sons, that a lot of boys (and men) just aren’t that interested in knowing what is going on in other people’s lives, or in sharing what is going on in their own lives. When we meet up with old friends, we will discuss sports, or movies. Also, because your son (and probably daughter) is young, he is probably not that worried about whether his family is safe and well. Why shouldn’t they be? So he honestly sees no reason to call you unless he really has to. So, as I think about this some more, I think there are three points to be made:
- If you have an uncommunicative child, you will just have to live with that, and hope it eventually changes. He (or she) cannot really be coerced into sharing more with you.
- If you get anxious about your child’s health and safety if you don’t hear from him or her on a regular basis, you will have to insist on a regular, scheduled report of aliveness, or at least a response to a simple e-mail. Once a week is reasonable (in my opinion).
- You should make clear to your child that packages and other favors create a basic obligation for a prompt expression of gratitude. This really should be almost a conditioned reflex.</p>
<p>While I agree that it is primarily a Mars vs Venus thing, there is also something to be said around their temperment…I have 2 boys… 1 is a talker and 1 is not, and it is inate. My oldest went to England during his hs soph summer…and non-ticket holders had to stay on one side of security… my 15 yr old kid walked thru security for his first international flight and never looked back…that was my first glimpse into saying goodbye to him…his first college drop off involved an overnight stay, a great last meal and help unpacking (dad, mom and sibling) and the goodbye was swift and unemotional for HIM… I actually got upset and had a huge “dawn over marblehead” moment for myself that he was long gone… I was expecting a big hug and excited anticipatory glee as we said goodbye and he was almost not even in his body as he said goodbye… he never called… one word responses to emails… this is just who he is. </p>
<p>I waffled on the care packages etc… ultimately I sent them… but not every year, or not every time he asked. Perhaps the following approach might work for you… decide to do a care package for someone else… and take some of the stuff and put it in a smaller box for your son…and put in a note that you had set this aside for him while you were doing gifts for persons X, Y and Z. That way you can enjoy your own good thoughts about persons X, Y and Z and also cover your son? </p>
<p>It kind of goes back to one of my most important credos… the ONLY thing in my life I can control is my attitude. My challenge to myself these days is to adjust my thoughts when I am sad or feeling angst…it is not easy… never has been… but then I think of LTS and her attitude… or I think of the promise of a Barack Obama…and I accept my challenge to be a better person… </p>
<p>I have helped move this S#1 into dorm rooms for 4 years…and move out, cleaning behind as we leave the building… I have helped him with many life events… and I would do it all over again, because he brings me joy in other ways. He is like his dad… who is not good at the little stuff…but his values mesh with most of mine… and that means something to me… </p>
<p>I think it is good that you use CC as a place to get some encouragement for your experience… there are many caring voices here…</p>
<p>My S is slowly getting a LITTLE better about keeping in touch with me & hubby (he does IM his sister–who lives at home–from time to time). I’m pleased that he DOES send prompt thank you notes to folks who do him favors & send him gifts (he even now does acknowlege receiving packages & things from us so we don’t have to trace things to be sure they’ve arrived).</p>
<p>He has asked us NOT to send care packages with candy because they don’t travel all that well from HI. He’s happy with the other contents, tho says he can buy a lot of it in LA anyway. He likes it best when we are able to take him shopping when we visit LA.</p>
<p>I notice I have an easier time getting him to talk with me when we are talking about something we’re working on together. He’s become the webmaster for a non-profit website I had him design and he is supposed to update the content. I send e-mails & we talk about that sometimes.</p>
<p>I accept his need to communicate isn’t as great as my interest in hearing from him but otherwise we do OK. I think it helps for each of us to adjust expectations. I try not to think of his behavior “being sort of a jerk,” but more in a private, self-development stage without a lot of extra energy for keeping in touch with us. It was very hurtful to me (because I took it personally) his freshman year but less so now that he’s a junior. We’ve both adapted & he actually keeps in slightly better touch now.</p>
<p>This discussion reminds me of the little boy who didn’t talk. By the time he was a year old, his parents were concerned about his silence, and took him to the doctor. Nothing appeared to be wrong, but he still hadn’t begun talking by age two, or even three. They took him to various specialists, but none of them could find any problem. One day when he was about four years old, his mother put him into the bathtub, and he said, “Hey, this water is scalding! Are you trying to burn me to death?”
His mother was astonished: “You spoke!”
“Of course I spoke. Do you expect me to allow myself to be boiled?”
“But…but why haven’t you spoken before?”
“Up until now everything was OK.”</p>
<p>
OMG! I thought only I had this son. We were in Scotland for part of the time he was at a CTY camp. I found wonderful postcards and sent them everyday, but he never bothered to check his mail assuming we wouldn’t have bothered to send him anything from overseas. I was a bit cross with the CTY mailroom that never bothered to tell him he had mail - they just tossed it at the end of the summer. 
But what was he thinking? We’d sent him lots of mail the previous two years.</p>
<p>^^ My son attended a camp one summer during junior high that required the kids to write a letter home. Our son was very angry at us when we dropped him off- I forget the reason right now, but it was a pretty big blow-up. The letter arrived at our house and we eagerly tore it open to find a blank piece of paper. Lovely…</p>
<p>I have every post card my son sent me from 11 years of overnight camp. My fav:</p>
<p>Sent on first day of camp the last year he went: “I got here. Blah. blah. blah”</p>
<p>The first one ever - age 7: “I miss you alot. Please send candy”</p>
<p>RE Post #9, thank you for the description. Loved the analogy. My older two never did this, but it certainly describes my youngest (10th grade) - I really thought it was me. I think I will leave her dinner in the kitchen with the food for our two real cats and see what happens. I suspect the cats will come in and eat, but DD will take her plate into her room.</p>
<p>“You should make clear to your child that packages and other favors create a basic obligation for a prompt expression of gratitude. This really should be almost a conditioned reflex.”</p>
<p>I can see how that in particular would be upsetting. We try so hard just to teach them some basics (someone sends a package, you make an effort to phone or even text a thank-you) and they just don’t get it! I shudder when I think how I probably was rude back in my youth to grandparents, etc. who made efforts to connect.</p>
<p>One saying my mother used on us (that my siblings and I, of course, use on our children) when we were being snotty or difficult was “why would you treat someone who loves you most in the world and does everything for you like this?” There is no good answer to that question that doesn’t involve admitting that, yes, this is the person who has always looked out for you above all others. Used sparingly, it has worked very well over the years.</p>
<p>I was at the university convenience store to grab a drink an hour ago and I saw quite a nice selection of cards there in one display rack. It was obvious that many cards had been already purchased as the stock wasn’t full. So someone out there is receiving cards, most likely from students.</p>
<p>I followed the helms2lee thread last year and dreaded when we would get to that stage. Got lots of good advice and tried same.</p>
<p>The first two weeks, we heard nothing. One-word (and sometimes one LETTER) email replies. I sent him a newsy email and at the end said, “If you let us know how you’re doing and call us sometimes, we’ll hound you a lot less.” He took the bait.</p>
<p>Have even gotten a few surprise calls. He copies us on funny emails, drops us a line, and will even have a half-hour chat on the phone. He was never a big phone chatter, so this is new behavior. (I suspect I have the GF to thank for this; she likes to talk to him instead of IM all the time.) I don’t hear about everything, but I don’t need to. I suspect that part of why he’s been chatty is that things have gone very, very well this quarter. He is always talkative when things are cruising along. It’s when the going gets tough that he really clams up – and I know him well enough that it sets off MomRadar, too.</p>
<p>RE: care packages w/food – 1) he has so many unused flex dollars that he can go to BartMart and buy candy every day; 2) he let slip at one point that GF was mailing him cookies. I have sent winter stuff and a book for his birthday. He sent me an xkcd cartoon and I was so oblivious that I completely missed that he was saying thanks (the cartoon was related to the book I bought).</p>
<p>Last night I got an email from him entitled “feasibility analysis.” Wanted to know if he could go visit friends at a college near the airport where he’s flying in next week after finals, and if it would be convenient for us to pick him up later. The plan now is that since his flight gets in at 8:45 pm, he’ll just go there, spend the night, and I’ll pick him up the next AM. Beats driving to Baltimore and back in the middle of the night!!</p>
<p>I <em>do</em> wish he’d talk to his brother more. S2 keeps reaching out, but S1 is cursory.</p>
<p>It’s not perfect, but I’ll take it.</p>