Does anyone else secretly think their college freshman is kind of a jerk?

Parent Cafe
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<p>07Dad: I know your laissez faire approach works perfectly for you, and I am so happy for you. You know I think you’re grand.</p>

<p>But maybe a factor here is that you’re the dad, and that makes you, yup, a guy. Not a jerk. One of those gorgeous creatures we covet who . . . . yup, forget our birthdays!!</p>

<p>I think the OP, Old Fort, Lakes, a lot of posters are really saying,</p>

<p>“How do we negotiate this divide that has sprung up with our sons whom we adore.”</p>

<p>I’m with Old Fort – but then I’m Jewish. She has me begged.</p>

<p>I do not characterize my son as bad to him, I admit that I have needs, as in “You know your silly mommy, (a silly term for us now), I am so emotional but I do need to speak to my boy because I adore him”</p>

<p>He responds well to this because it is the honest truth!!! If I get a craving to talk to him I email or text, “Hey bud, I miss your pointed mind.” And he gives me some of it.</p>

<p>One time I was just a little blue and I texted, “What’s new pussycat.” I less than a minute I got “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” That was plenty for several days because I got a dose of his humor, his connectedness, etc.</p>

<p>Last night I was feeling a little anxious about his work for many reasons. I got him at 11:30 – none of us sleep, and he was out in freezing weather at the snack bar getting goodies for him and girlfriend. He was proud that he now had “the man’s job,” and I complimented his GF (totally honestly, I love her) on getting him to wait on her.</p>

<p>All in good humor, of course. Recently I said, “I am sorry I bug you so much for contact. But you’re one of my favorite people.” And said, “And you’re one of mine, mom.”</p>

<p>The greatest compliment came when he said his girlfriend (a skinny, skinny beautiful Nordic blonde, and I’m, well, …not) was like me. I said, “Oh, how?” </p>

<p>The answer came, “The the two most ridiculous people I have ever meant. No one else is into the funny nonsense you two can come up with.” And I knew this was very good in his eyes.</p>

<p>Yup, I bug him. I get him to meet my needs. Well, I still meet his like sacrificing my own backup contact lens when he let it go too long and had completely run out.</p>

<p>I don’t feel guilty that I do this. That’s what relationships are. However, I do make it clear that these are my needs and that he’s not bad if they are not his.</p>

<p>Recently he called to say, “Mom, I just had to call because there’s no one else in the world I can tell that I have “Anatevka” from Fiddler on the Roof stuck in my head.”</p>

<p>That’s what I call love.</p>

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<p>I have 2 girls, we only heard from the eldest occasionally unless there was a crisis but since she rarely calls anyone, I tried not to take it personally. Now that she is a graduate student we hear from her every week or so. My younger D loves the phone! I hear from her multiple times during the day. When she was home she would call multiple times during the day often to tell me the plans she had made and then changed. I was hoping to hear from her less often when she left for college. It may be a little be less but not much.
But that was not the point of my note. I lived in India for a year in 1981. My father, who was a journalist so writing was something he was good at, had not not written me. I had been writing him but getting no response. After about 4 months (letters took awhile then) I wrote him and told him that he would not be getting any presents if I did not hear from him. That got a response, though he did say that he had written but it must have gotten lost. Hmmmmm. I did hear from him fairly regularly after that. A little humor and a small poke can work wonders.
Ellen</p>

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<p>I’m in favor of the little humor and small poke. You know your son better than we do, but I don’t think my son would have been offended. I just took the more direct approach. I told him need a thank-you if I’m going to be in the mood to send him stuff. Nothing excessive - two word e-mail or IM is fine.</p>

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<p>Does anyone see this as a birth order thing rather than a gender thing (for those who like to try to categorize these things)?</p>

<p>Finally got a response to the birthday cake package we ordered for him: “Cake was good.” Glad we bothered…but on the other hand, he called me after his first exam today to report how things went.</p>

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<p>Fair enough. Where it gets crazy (IMO), is when the student takes this at face value and DOESN’T send the thank-you. Seems that the student had that option, right? Then it is up to the parent to honor that choice. </p>

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<p>EXACTLY! As Brink pointed out it may be more blessed to give than recieve. My S finally asked me to lighten up on the care packages. It didn’t hurt my feelings and I still send a package when I get the mood.</p>

<p>CountingDown–IMO, its neither birth order nor gender. Environment and a dash of heredity.</p>

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<p>CountingDown– IMO its neither birth order nor gender. Its environment and a dash of heredity.</p>

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<p>Somebody mentioned trying to figure out if sending the package and not getting a response will annoy me, and if it won’t then send it. You took the thought right out of my head! I realized today that I do nice things for people all the time just because I like to do nice things, and if I can be generous with them then I can do it for my son too. I realized that if I didn’t send a package I’d feel worse than if I send it and he doesn’t thank me. </p>

<p>I may not be Jewish but I was raised Catholic and we can guilt with the best of them! I am going to use the tack that somebody mentioned about using a little light humor–as in your neurotic mother needs to hear from you. This was another thing my aunt advocated–humor, humor, humor! I thought maybe when I ship the package I’d send an e-mail saying that I sent a finals care package–or maybe it’s a final care package if you can’t hit reply and type Thanks Mom. </p>

<p>07DAD–I think you’re right about him being busy in his new environment. If there was ever time to cut him some slack–this is probably it. </p>

<p>Ghostfire13–Thanks! You made my day. I do want to write and I used to think I’d write fiction, but then real life is so strange and wonderful and amusing that I don’t think I could create anything as interesting. David Sedaris is my hero. He’s made a very nice living writing about his weirdness and neuroses, so if I can find a way to do that too then I’ll jump at the chance. If you like my humor then you’ll love his. I’m going to start a blog, but I’m reluctant to pick the blog site because I can’t figure out which one is best. Or perhaps I’m a world class procrastinator. I was waiting for my youngest to start school. He’s in third grade. I was also waiting for my mother to become senile so I could write about my crazy childhood without offending her–but she’s 70 and sharp as a tack so…</p>

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<p>Oh, and CountingDown–I actually do think it’s somewhat birth order. My ds is the oldest by six years, so he had six years of my laser-like solitary attention. Even after the younger boys came along he was still the first to do everything so it was all a bigger deal with him. I have noticed that my younger two seem more grateful of my attention. I suppose it could be the ages–13 and 9–but I also think they never had my undivided attention so it means more to them. In general they seem more appreciative, less demanding, and don’t take me for granted so much. It seems to go this way for a lot of people. I never missed a field trip for my first because, gosh, how could I let him go on a field trip without me?! Now I’m on my youngest is thrilled if I go, because I don’t go on all of them. I guess I’m getting older and crankier, but I don’t enjoy those nearly as much as I used to. On the last field trip one of the boys alternated with having a finger up his nose and wanting to hold my hand. And that is why I always have hand sanitizer in my pocket.</p>

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<p>I’m surprised by number of posters whose kids don’t thank them promptly for care package gifts. My S is as busy as the next kid, but never too busy to be polite and appreciative when a kindness is extended to him.</p>

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<p>It’s a Christmas miracle!!!</p>

<p>DS just sent an e-mail about getting the new coat dad sent. Of course, it also has his Christmas list.:)</p>

<p>I’ll take what I can get!</p>

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<p>Maybe he reads CC!!</p>

<p>This was in response to the post after mine - order if wrong.</p>

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<p>Helenback – Speaking from Experience, the important thing is to write…not to worry about what will become of what you have written. If you only wrote down your life experiences for your kids, you will be leaving them a gift more precious than anything you will ever buy. (Okay, maybe Number 1 Son won’t but the other two will…). To paraphrase the organ donor people: Don’t take your memories with you…people need them here!</p>

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<p>For me, the issue isn’t manners, though those are certainly important. I just don’t want to lose emotional contact with my son, just like I wouldn’t with anyone else I really loved. Okay, well there aren’t too many people I love as much as I love him except my daughter, but there it is.</p>

<p>If he said, I really want emotional space right now would I honor that? Absolutely. But since he hasn’t told me that, and he’s told me he likes to be close, I do remind him and share my needs with him.</p>

<p>I do give him the option of having a more distant relationship, but he has chosen to keep things status quo.</p>

<p>I would think if he wanted more distance I would move a way a bit too, not to punish him; just to survive emotionally.</p>

<p>I know he doesn’t want to have to go to his mailbox for care packages and couldn’t care less about them so I do squelch my desire to send them. </p>

<p>I love to bake and send along goodies. Kids find that a pain. So be it.</p>

<p>They like my jokes. Thank God. Don’t have to curtail those.</p>

<p>Any relationship is a dance. Who should lead? How about taking turns.</p>

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<p>My S just responded to an email–at long last–about when he will be ready to be picked up after exams. I’ve been texting him to no avail. I asked him if he had gotten my texts. After several emails he said no, because he can’t find his phone charger. He thinks he left it here over Thanksgiving break.</p>

<p>Apparently he is physically incapable of keeping a phone charger in his possession. Well, if he lost it, he’s the one who will be buying a new one.</p>

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<p>To answer the first question: yes.</p>

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<p>Don’t I know it! Truer words were never spoken. I was raised Catholic … and married into a Jewish family. I know, deep down, that everything is my fault. Everything. :)</p>

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<p>Ahh- the benefits of being raised a Baptist - I am always right and nothing is my fault!</p>

<p>Darned these posts - mine is in response to Hindoo’s post.</p>

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<p>So I sent my son a text msg saying I was looking forward to reading any papers he is writing (some of his finals are actually papers, not tests). </p>

<p>I got a phone call while I was in bed (not late 9 pm) from S saying he’d have to send me his notes or I wouldn’t understand the paper he’s writing. Okay fine. Woke up to 3 word documents of about 15 pages of notes. Do I understand a word of it, NOPE. Am I slogging my way thru every word, Yup. I was just tickled that he wanted me to have the background info so I could understand the final paper. Yeah, right :-)</p>

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<p>Helenback, your thought of using some light humor is one that appeals to me. Here’s the story of how I handled my own uncommunicative freshman son:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/1060908575-post27.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/1060908575-post27.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>jyber209, I love your letter!</p>