I know my H and I have a great life, wonderful launched children and are trying to get our ducks in a row for a semi-early retirement.
But I have to admit being so jealous of reading of friends travel plans. And here on CC! I have a friend who travels all the time, they did a big European trip this summer, numerous other trips here and there. And now Christmas in the Caribbean! That would never happen in our household, my H is a homebody one and two, he could never see what he sees as frivolous spending. We went to Italy last year and it was wonderful but that is not an every year plan. And definitely not 2 big trips.
Now I know that we have different agendas from my friend. They don’t plan on retiring for at least 10 years older than our plan and their household income is higher than mine. But oh am I envious!
I know Facebook isn’t real life but sometimes it’s hard being responsible
The hardest thing for me about FB or CC is hearing about all the kids who are my son’s age (24). He may never even hold a real job, so it’s hard seeing other kids going off to grad school, finding great jobs, or getting married.
I’m not on Facebook and part of the reason I’m not is that I know myself well enough to know that I would get jealous. More precisely, I tend to feel left out when I’m not included in things, even things where I have no rational claim to being included. For example, I would feel jealous if I saw a group of old friends out to dinner together, even if I knew these friends had kept in touch with each other over the years and I hadn’t. Not rational, but that is how I feel. So I just avoid it altogether.
@MaineLonghorn – I’m very sorry. That must be very hard.
Thanks, @nottelling. The good news is that he’s stable and happy. His sister thinks he’s happier than he was in high school, before he was diagnosed. And he’s a wonderful young man. The supervisor of all the homes in our county called to discuss him the other day and said, “I think he’s the kindest human being I’ve ever met!”
I frequently know the “back stories” of FB friends, so I know things that are not posted. For example a friend who’s child was accepted into a very competitive program at a top school and posted on FB. She did not post that her H was very ill at the time (and passed very soon after).
There are good things and difficult things in everyone’s life so I keep that in mind.
I jokingly noted last summer that everyone was in Europe but me. But then I look at my own life, and I’m pretty okay with it. There are some specific things I wish for for my kids, and when I see others with them, it can be a little hard, but like FallGirl says, we all have stuff. I don’t expect everyone to put up their backstories, but clearly, we all have them. I tell myself that, not to gloat, but to be kinder to myself and to others as well.
Drives me nuts when they post pictures of their meals, the seasonal table decorations at home, pictures of them sitting here, sitting there, standing here, standing there, or (really) the gnomes in their garden. Travel, not so much.
Otoh, a German-born friend is posting a foreign tourism site with the most gorgeous photos of Bavaria, the sort of places DH and I had visited. Along with the memories, it creates one big mess of wanderlust.
Sometimes it’s all relative. While you are jealous of friends going on holiday vacations and trips to Europe, you may have friends who see YOU on another level - “look at Deb922 - I’m so jealous that she gets to play golf often and do all those fun outdoor activities!” So, probably, there is “always” something to be jealous of!
Like @FallGirl said, you may or may not know the back story. And overall, I think we tend to put “good news” on FB. There are those on FB who will post the cryptic “I’m having a bad time” messages or genuine bad time messages, but the good news, happy times and bragging rights reign overall on FB.
I sometimes wonder how FB would be if there was a “Say It Here Cause You Can’t Say It Directly…” page!!!
That said, back to your question, while there are a few on FB (and here) that seem to be able to jet set, overall, I try to be objective. I mean, I don’t often take formal “vacations” but I do manage to do lots of weekend jaunts. Would I like to travel more. YES. Is there $$$ and time to do that. Not really! And my H is the same - besides our cottage he is not interested in traveling. Thank goodness my kids still like to travel with their mom!!
But occasionally, well… last year, a friend very tactfully posted a picture of her family celebrating a college acceptance. She didn’t say which school, but as an alum of that school and the mother of a senior, I knew which one it was because it’s always a big deal. My kid had not applied there but on the same day had been waitlisted by his top 2 schools. I was just so crushed seeing her post - I so wished we were the happy celebrating family. Not that my kid didn’t have good options, but… And not that I wasn’t happy for her family, but…
It was a depressing weekend and as I tried to articulate it, it just sounded so, well, ridiculous and small minded even though it just felt monumentally sad.
It’s hard when things aren’t going your way and you feel like you’re the only one.
(And p.s., DC came off the WL at both schools the first week of May. Different timeline… which is probably the lesson in all of this.)
I went back and read your article Deb. Now I AM feeling a little jealous of all that traveling!!
We are about to experience some “retirement” in our household. H is retiring - I am not! The process of seeing this coming has made me really think - on the other hand, I don’t know if my H has really thought about it much at all! HE just wants to say “done!” It will not be in his mind that this is a new lifestyle for us but a new lifestyle for HIM. That’s sort of a problem IMO! For us, honestly, we will go our own ways on certain things - and travel is one of them. He’s not likely to be interested to go much of anywhere, I’ll plan my own excursions. Just the way it is.
I don’t know how it happened, or why (dumb luck, for sure?), but I’m almost constitutionally non-jealous. Sometimes I forget how much other people can be affected by jealousy, in fact.
My inner mantra: my life has brought me to a different place than some. Be thankful. My life has brought me to a different place than some. Find the good and praise it. My life…
I could be jealous every moment. Consciously, I work on being happy for people and seeing how we all have unique advantages and disadvantages.
Regarding travel, some might be jealous of me as I do get around, if in a far more price conscious manner than some. I have made choices that allow travel while forgoing other things. I have been amazingly fortunate in so many ways.
I also notice myself being a little depressed at times, and know that sometimes events are conspiring against me, and I better do something to change my attitude, such as go for a walk, listen to music, do something proactive.
(You know, now that I re-think my post, I have to add something: It would be disingenuous to pretend that my ability to resist jealousy doesn’t at least partly hinge on my relative privilege. Others have much more than I do, of course, but so, so, so many have less. And while I do work exceedingly hard for what I have, I was put in position to do so by factors of birth, factors beyond my control, and what’s more, the world is full of people who work exceedingly hard with little or no real reward. I’m very, very lucky.)
You are very kind @abasket, I know I have so much to be thankful for. And I have such a good life.
The jealousy is so irrational and I know it. But so hard for me to stop.
I think for me the travel is only a symptom of what I am jealous of. My H and myself are very cautious people. Everything seems to have a plan and things don’t happen without knowing where the money is coming from. That’s a good thing. But every once in a while I dream of throwing caution to the wind and doing something spontaneous.
This friend will plan a huge trip on a whim. Someone will ask and off they go. No matter how’s it’s going to be paid for, it happens. And somehow, it seems to work out. Like this person seems to live a magical life. Now I know they don’t. But they never worry, it will all work out.
So for me, a person who worries about everything it’s more of an attitude than anything else that I’m jealous of.
My D is not coming home for thanksgiving. She’s an adult and it’s silly to fly home and then come home again a month later. And plane fares were outrageous. It’s very logical. But D doesn’t really have plans and that is sad. She is invited to a friends but she has cats and D is highly allergic. She’ll only be able to tolerate it for a couple of hours. And where she wanted to be invited, no invitation came :(. My friend would have disregarded all logic and paid a fortune to fly her D home and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t. It’s only money!
But I am very grateful for everything I do have. And that I have a wonderful responsible H, who doesn’t spend money we don’t have. A lot of people I know don’t have that. Or a marriage as good as mine. Or kids who are doing so well. I have tons of blessings.
^^^This is written so well and truthfully. It’s clear you have good character.
Remember that is is also totally ok to be thankful for what you have and to STILL be a little jealous of others - especially since I can see that it’s not just “things” that you are jealous of - it’s lifestyle, attitudes, spontaneity.
There is nothing wrong with having a good dose of “sensible”! More often than not, having that is a big thumbs up.
I like to say, “I wish I had my life on FB.” I only post happy stuff on FB and I don’t post anything political on FB. If you were to look at my FB you would think my life was perfect. Few friends even said to me after my divorce, “Wow, you are doing so well (considering). Looks like you are traveling a lot and going out quite a bit.” On the other hand, it is not like I am going to post me sitting at home on Fri nights eating dinner by myself.
I know many friends with personal difficulties, but they are not posting on FB about their personal struggles. I am always happy when I see them doing something fun on FB.
Back decades ago, my dad was convinced he’d be getting a notification that I was kicked out of law school because I only wrote him and my family about the fun things I was doing, not about the tremendous amount of study and work required. It was much more studying and reading than I had done in college, but I couldn’t figure out why I’d want to bore anyone with that, so I never wrote of complained of it.
Most people I know have good and bad things in their lives but share mostly the happy and exciting stuff. We are fortunate that our kids and we are relatively healthy and financially very comfortable. We do prefer planning and tend not to spontaneously drop everything and travel, tho we could.
I mainly just check facebook periodically when a family member or friend posts a new photo that I’d like to see. I have not been jealous of anything I’ve seen or read so far.
I know so many people who travel extensively, but DH and I really don’t care for travelling. We’re retired and could afford to travel; there are places here in the US we hope to visit, but only 2 or 3 foreign destinations. We’re heavily involved in caring for parents, so it would be hard to leave for very long, and we just aren’t into culinary adventures. We manage to stay occupied with short trips and local activities. We know a few folks like us…not too many.
I totally agree with @oldfort: users’ FB reality often doesn’t jive with their real lives. A friend of mine posts photos of her travels, her photography, funny cat videos & uplifting memes. Off-screen, she’s a mostly miserable, solipsistic, often-bitter woman, who travels a lot because she has no home life and has alienated a lot of her friends.
There are some specific things I wish for for my kids, and when I see others with them, it can be a little hard, but like FallGirl says, we all have stuff. I don’t expect everyone to put up their backstories, but clearly, we all have them. I tell myself that, not to gloat, but to be kinder to myself and to others as well.
