Doing your kid's homework

Parent Cafe
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<p>The high school workload has been very intense so far for D. This is not surprising or new for us as a family, since I have 2 older ones who went through the same system already. D, however, is not taking all the honors classes her siblings did yet the workload is comparable. Some nights there is simply way too much to do and IMO not even a quick-thinking, fast-typing, speed-reading genius could get it all done and still make it to bed on time. I mean, some teachers are assigning 3 different items for homework, eg. a worksheet, a short paper, and a test (not quiz) to prepare for. D is doing her best, but is often up very late. I expected this too, and am basically OK with it so long as her physical or psychological health isn’t threatened.</p>

<p>But here’s the rub: I am finding it emotionally hard to handle hearing that other parents are actually DOING, not just helping, but DOING the work for their kids. Since the school year is new, school-related topics are common among parents now. Over the last two weeks I have heard quite a few moms admit to writing their children’s papers, for example. While this is also not a new phenomenon I’m sure, the openness with which it is being publicly admitted is disturbing. I can’t help but think it must be happening even more than I think and more than it used to. And people hearing what other parents are doing, could cause a snowball effect of this too. </p>

<p>In the past, the only doing-rather-than-guiding type of assistance I have ever given my kids was in dire situations (3 AM) when they had been diligent but were over-burdened, and for mindless things like cutting and pasting stuff on poster boards. We always have ethical decisions as humans, so that is also not my issue here. I will continue to do what I think is right and moral. </p>

<p>BUT if kids are seemingly able to handle all this homework with no problem because mom is chipping in, then there won’t be any noticeable student failure or break-down, or any push-back to clue the teachers in that the load is excessive, and therefore the over-load will only continue. A friend spoke with one teacher about the workload, but her response was basically that other students are handling it so if her child can’t, he doesn’t belong in the class.</p>

<p>I guess this is more of a rant than a plea for suggestions, but I am feeling sad over this. Our high school is more intense than many, I know that. But we are not in a position to move D anywhere.</p>

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<p>I’m surprised even the parents can keep up:</p>

<p>[My</a> Daughter?s Homework Is Killing Me - Karl Taro Greenfeld - The Atlantic](<a href=“My Daughter’s Homework Is Killing Me - The Atlantic”>My Daughter’s Homework Is Killing Me - The Atlantic)</p>

<p>Seriously, the homework situation is out of control. But I would be right there with you, very upset at hearing that parents do the hw. That’s crazy</p>

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<p>Loved that article! Thanks so much, surfcity, for helping me feel better. At least my D doesn’t have to read Angela’s Ashes late at night. That is a very heavy book for a 13 year old, IMO.</p>

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<p>Homework is killing me too and I’m providing support services. D is reading LD and extremely dyslexic. She can’t get all the texts on audio so I end up reading some and helping her understand the more complex literary stories.</p>

<p>What really kills me is they went to iPads last year. Some of the teachers, especially younger ones, just love various apps to submit homework. They each seem to use a different one. Lots of times the app isn’t functioning etc. I can’t count the hours she has wasted “messing around” with submitting homework that could have been done quickly via paper and pencil, or at least typed in Word. She could have also used this time for the homework or test prep in the other subjects.</p>

<p>I especially hove the English teacher, Ms. Project Queen, who wants complete detailed analysis paragraphs in answer to short questions. Must be submitted via some app—which has a little 2x2" box into which to type, via iPad.</p>

<p>The school also put tons of new controls on the iPad, not just at school but also during home use. Sites such as google and other research sites can’t be accessed. So…power up the laptop to do the work and then put it into the iPad. Brilliant :)</p>

<p>Can.Not.Wait for her to enter college. Seems to be a lot less busy work.</p>

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<p>My children have been enrolled in what I thought were uber-competitve schools, but what you describe GFG is beyond what they have ever experienced. Even the most competitive boarding schools don’t give 3 separate assignments in one subject for homework. At least not as far as I know. Certainly if there is a test, the homework for the preceding evening is to prepare for the test. Period. I cannot imagine putting a paper and worksheet on top of preparing for a test, unless those assignments are tailored to serve as the preparation. Except during final exam periods, my children have rarely ever been up past 11:30 for academic purposes and the majority of boardings schools have a “lights out” policy and internet is down after 11:15. The atmosphere you describe seems more than just “intense”. </p>

<p>As far as the issue of parents doing the work, it seems like in that particular environment they are being pushed to make decisions that clearly will not benefit their children in the long run. Of course the issue really is that in the short run, it is a disadvantage to your own child. I think your thinking is correct in that the school will not get the message that the homework burden is unreasonable if parents are picking up the slack. The ethical and moral issues are evident, and I see this in the same category as cheating or plagiarizing.</p>

<p>Without having an understanding of the political/social culture of the school and it’s administration, it is hard to say what I would do in this situation. But knowing my own temperament, doing nothing would not be an option for me. Perhaps you could start with gently feeling some of the other parents out regarding what they have heard or observed. If you conclude that it is a generally known fact that parents are doing the work, then I would very diplomatically let the appropriate person at the school know without naming names. This is something that they would want to know, as academic integrity is very important to most competitive schools. </p>

<p>Perhaps the issue could be alleviated by the institution of an honor pledge that is signed by the student when turning in a test or paper. I know my child’s boarding school has such a pledge and I believe that the day school my children attended had one also. It is a 3 or 4 sentence pledge that simply states the child has had no outside help and that the work is their own. I know my own children took it very seriously and I took it as a pretty direct message to the parents.</p>

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<p>[My</a> Daughter?s Homework Is Killing Me - Karl Taro Greenfeld - The Atlantic](<a href=“My Daughter’s Homework Is Killing Me - The Atlantic”>My Daughter’s Homework Is Killing Me - The Atlantic)</p>

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<p>OP,
They rub their kids of opportunity to develop time management and other organizational skills. My D. was in many ECs while in HS. He sprot was taking 3 hours every single day, many middle of the week and out of town weekends meets. She also played piano and took private art lessons and did lots at school. She was at the most rigorous and the most expensive tiny private HS in our area. I had one rule for her - no homework past 10pm. Everything had to be done before her practice.<br>
She still had to make huge adjustments when she started college to make sure that she is successful. She said those who did not realize it, derailed from theri original goals. She praised her extremely busy HS schedule that allowed her to develop great time management skills before college.<br>
It never occur to us to do any of her homework. Anyway, she was mostly writing and re-writing her English papers, the rest of classes were not taking much time. We have always been responsive to her requests to help though. My H. spent hours after hours explaining History to her, discussing it with her, it was her hardest subject and the goal was to get a college credit in HS - accomplished.<br>
This experience is invaluable. Going forward - Med. School is sooo much more challenging than UG. Time mangement skill is absolutely crucial. there is practically no med. students (at least in D’s class) that were not engaged from chidhood in multitude of various activities, learning to manage their time from the age of 5 y o.</p>

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<p>One couple I know (both professionals) help their child with her homework regularly. They don’t do it for her, but sit down with her and make sure it gets done, helping her work through all of it. They never helped their older ones, who never needed it. We hope the child finds a supportive college, as she’ll be applying next year.</p>

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<p>^Are they going to sit down with her when she is at college and make sure it is done. They have to get used to responsibilities, many of them have jobs (mine did). Are parents there at their jobs making sure that the job is done also?</p>

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<p>I have not a clue, but never went down that road with my kids. For one thing, the one time we tried to “help” S with some math puzzles in 7th grade, we got ALL of them WRONG. We all realized the kids had to work out their own solutions. Along the way, we offered tutors, which D tried a handful of times but found unhelpful. </p>

<p>You do dig yourself and kiddo into a hole when you provide too much “help.” My folks made me help my sibs extensively, including when they were in college. I was uncomfortable and resented having to tutor what should have been learned over the term in a very short period of time and very last minute. Was glad to go 2500+ miles away to school and leave these responsibilities behind. It’s one thing to hire a tutor and/or coach to improve kid’s skills but another entirely to DO kid’s work.</p>

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<p>Welcome to the wonderful world of school in the 21st century, where the answer to education doesn’t seem to be quality but quantity. Basically, to show parents how they are ‘addressing the holes in education’, the answer is to pile on a ton of homework, and I have seen this with both private and public schools and these are kids who are not slackers. Basically, they cram the kids with homework and tell the parents that this is being rigorous, it is a ‘cheap’ way to make it seem like they are doing something. In effect, we have taken the education direction that has been traditional in places like Asia (teaching to standardized tests, tons of homework) and use that as the model of great education (when many in the places I am talking about are trying to do away with it). </p>

<p>My son went to a well known prep school in our area, one that was reputedly academically rigorous but also was known for being a bit different than the prep school as path to the ivy league in its values, and in middle school, despite their claims to the contrary, my son had 3 hours of homework a night, and this was 6th grade, and often it was 4 hours (the school claimed it was no more than 1.5-2 hours), and I hear the high school is worse. One of the things that every study of educational excellence has shown is that homework, while it is a valuable tool, is not better by the ton, and that homework often detracts from real learning, that the teachers have to focus a lot of effort on giving and correcting it, and that it also often is rather than being challenging questions, crap questions from the back of the textbook, often standardized that the textbook supplier provided. And then if you add in the mania for EC’s, it isn’t a great combination. </p>

<p>I wish I remember the name of it, one school district that is known for turning out kids who end up in the top competitive schools, put a limit on the amount of homework kids could have, it was rigidly watched, I think it was like 3 hours at most, with the goal being 2 to 2.5 hours…and in the several years now that they have done that, their kids continue to get into the great schools.</p>

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<p>OP: If I were you, I’d consider sending my very reasonable, well-written post to your principal or guidance counselor. </p>

<p>Can’t hurt. Might help.</p>

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<p>Musicparent, I’m reading a book now called the Smartest Kids in the World that looks at the education systems in three countries who test better than US (Korea, Finland and Poland) and this heavy homework thing is surely the Korea model.</p>

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<p>Even worse than parents doing homework - my calc teacher last year divvied up her daughter’s (middle school student) homework among students my class because her daughter had a cheer competition that weekend and “didn’t have time” to do the book report she’d known about for a month. So we did middle school English homework instead of Calc.</p>

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<p>^^^^^
What? Really? That is truly unbelievable! And this is a teacher that did that?</p>

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<p>Yup. I mean it was more of the “making it look pretty” aspect of the project (we copied her writing onto the poster board and glued pictures/decorations on it and that type of stuff), but yeah, it happened. Thankfully it was only one time…</p>

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<p>The only thing I help with as far as homework is concerned is quizzing my daughter ( a hs junior ) on her own notes and study guides when she is preparing for a test.
What the heck are we doing to our kids , with such unrealistic work loads ?
Unless they stay home and study at a local college or university, how can they survive once they are pursuing their higher education ?</p>

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<p>My daughter is a perfectionist. I am pretty sure my work isn’t up to her standards.</p>

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<p>^^^^TempeMom - same here, doubt I could help my son with any of his homework or projects, I really don’t understand most of what I see anyway. One thing I did do (and feel guilty because I didn’t with my other two) was get up with him at 4:00 a.m. (because I would fall asleep long before he went to bed) and make him a full breakfast with eggs and sausage If he was going to work that hard I wanted to make sure he had protein in his system to start the day - I’d stay with him reading the news or watching TV while he worked at the breakfast table. He was fully awake and alert by the time he arrived at school. His older siblings had to fend for themselves with instant oatmeal or cold cereal (sorry!).</p>

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<p>The one thing I did do was make flash cards for tests. Like many NYC kids, my offspring commuted about 45 minutes each way to school. I’d write out the vocabulary for foreign language and AP psych definitions on flash cards, so my offspring could study while waiting for/riding the bus, etc. because there just wasn’t enough time in the day available for my kid to study otherwise and trying to use a big textbook while waiting for a bus just didn’t work. It was kind of funny because my D always traveled to school with 2 other girls and they benefited from my flash cards as much as she did. They’d take turns asking each other questions on test day.</p>

<p>I’d suggest dividing up how much time your D has to study by her number of subjects with homework. When the time for the subject has expired, she should move on to the next subject. That way, she has at least SOMETHING to turn in for every class. Then write a note to each teacher of every class in which she didn’t complete the homework saying that you insist that your D get X hours of sleep every night. That means she had 4 (or whatever) hours to do homework. That means she can spend Y time on each subject. What your D submitted is what she was able to complete in Y time.</p>