<p>Wait a minute…she lives in the SAME neighborhood as you live in? Oh, the shame and the horror…what does that make you and yours…losers as well?</p>
<p>"She lives in the same neighborhood so she isn’t some girl across town he will take to the movies twice and only see in the halls at school. So it could last. "</p>
<p>Most relationships of 16 YOs dont end in marriage. By a long shot. It could be more common when they live in the same neighborhood, but I kind of doubt it.</p>
<p>“Don’t tell me what to worry about, shouldn’t you be worrying about your own kids”</p>
<p>Geez man, Im from brooklyn, I could get a Phd in worrying about my own kid. </p>
<p>"and not making dumb assumptions dad? "</p>
<p>The only assumption I have made is that your son and his GF will PROBABLY break up within 2 years. From all I have seen of teen romances, I stand by that prediction.</p>
<p>I haven’t read all the posts on this thread, but does anyone else think this sounds amazingly like the plot to “Freedom”, the new book by Jonathan Franzen?</p>
<p>Brooklynborndad: Thank you for my first laugh out loud moment of the day. Even though I was only born in Brooklyn and left early, you make us Brooklynites proud. (And, no you wouldn’t consider me a Brooklyn girl. But my westside kids constantly “remind” me that I am a girl from Brooklyn.)</p>
<p>The only assumption I have made is that your son and his GF will PROBABLY break up within 2 years. From all I have seen of teen romances, I stand by that prediction.</p>
<p>-You also assumed that I hadn’t already worried about “more important things” but I have. You wondered why I wasn’t worried about college and major and if my kids can cope and the truth is I am ahead of that curve. </p>
<p>-But I appreciate the funny reply about being from Brooklyn and working on your PhD in worrying about your own kid. I have had some disagreements with some here. That is okay. It is for me. I am fairly certain at the end of the day we are pretty similar in most respects. </p>
<p>-I might be too honest for my own good but I’ll take honesty over living in a bubble any day of the week. </p>
<p>-I’ll take advising my kids over standing around fretting about if they will stop loving me one day if I say something unkind any day of the week. </p>
<p>-Some of things I do might not work in YOUR household but they are working just fine in MINE.</p>
<p>Had you NOT done these things you should NOT have acted all shocked and offended if you mate said see you later at some point. Fifty percent of marriages end that way and part of the reason is because looks matter</p>
<p>IMO- it wouldn’t be because of the appearance- but because it is depressing to live with someone who is depressed. Although depression is an illness which deserves support from a spouse/partner, just as any other illness would.</p>
<p>( While others may not be as affected by how they look- I am more of a kinesthetic person & how I look affects how I feel)</p>
<p>For a period of time when I was much younger I gained weight and cut my hair off, because my H was so jealous that he made a fuss anytime I did something without him ( like go to class)- I realized that wasn’t about me- it was about him, but I didn’t have time or energy at that point to try and psychoanalyze him.</p>
<p>Changing my appearance did lessen his anxiety, but it made me feel like crap, so I encouraged him to get counseling ( which helped)</p>
<p>Im pleased to say that he now is much more comfortable & he is even fine when I go to ( local) music clubs by myself. ( I lost the weight- & I grew out my hair- kinda)</p>
<p>I admit that I wouldnt’ know how to judge attractiveness of my kids friends-they all look beautiful to me. :)</p>
<p>"Some of things I do might not work in YOUR household but they are working just fine in MINE. "</p>
<p>So why do you come here for advice?</p>
<p>"You also assumed that I hadn’t already worried about “more important things” but I have. You wondered why I wasn’t worried about college and major and if my kids can cope and the truth is I am ahead of that curve. "</p>
<p>Look, dude. You are the one who comes here and tells folks who dont share your particular views on the importance of female looks that they are living in a bubble. Folks who have dealt with FAR MORE IMPORTANT, FAR MORE BASIC issues of all kinds - from unemployment, to kids dropping out of school, drugs, etc, etc. To say someone you DO NOT KNOW is living in a bubble, because they dont worry about their kids BFs/GF’s looks is to be living in a bubble - either you SERIOUSLY need to work on your social skills or you are a ■■■■■. </p>
<p>I vote the latter.</p>
<p>As I posted several pages back, I find the OP’s interest in his girlfriend’s attractiveness “creepy”. Now that others have filled in the detail regarding dad’s career as a college professor, I find it even creepier. Picture the middle aged man who thinks his childish remarks are the epitome of wit and wisdom (yes, tenure can be a bad thing) eyeing the college co-eds in his freshman classes…And to make matters worse, Cecil has now informed us that his son is pursuing a girl he doesn’t find all that attractive, which only confirms the worst regarding the son - that he is that apple all too close to the tree.</p>
<p>But I must thank you Cecil for providing the entertainment for the day, it’s all fine and good to chuckle at your self-congratulatory narcisism as long as you live many states away, never teach any class my daughters might attend, and your son has zero chance of being brought home by one of mine as a prospective boyfriend. </p>
<p>I feel certain that the girlfriend can do better, this is probably the only thing Cecil and I will ever agree on - the girlfriend should date someone else - even though our reasons for thinking so are vastly different.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You’re the one who lives in a bubble. The notion that you think you are really controlling everyone around you is the ultimate illusion. For instance, your wife and your kids might very well not be homeless if you weren’t around, they might have done just fine without you. I don’t know why you need to think that.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It’s not about whether they will one day like you or not. You could seriously screw up their lives by making decisions for them that were really theirs to make. If the decisions are theirs then any resulting fallout is theirs to own. If the decisions are yours then the blame if things turn out badly rests with you. There is nothing more frustrating for a kid than to get led down a path by a well-meaning parent only to find out that this was not a path they should have ever been on.</p>
<p>OP said: “I’ll take advising my kids over standing around fretting about if they will stop loving me one day if I say something unkind any day of the week.”</p>
<p>Don’t you love false choices? I do</p>
<p>in fact, I’d rather make up a false set of choices to support my own position than admit that others might have a point :-)</p>
<p>But seriously . . . the choice isn’t between “advising” and “being unkind” any more than it’s a choice beween "meddling " and “being their friend”</p>
<p>the answer to your original question is A</p>
<p>But if you believe that nurtuting your son’s growing independence and maturity is best served by trying to manage his personal relationships with non-toxic peers, then you will reject A and do something else</p>
<p>So . . . how does your trying to affect this non-toxic, seemingly benign relationship help your son become a better human?</p>
<p>Kei-o-lei - the OP doesn’t want to make his son a better human, he wants to make him more successful at bringing home girls that dad thinks are hot. Talks about living vicariously…</p>
<p>Look, dude. You are the one who comes here and tells folks who dont share your particular views on the importance of female looks that they are living in a bubble. </p>
<p>-I already answered that a few pages up. </p>
<p>-Get your facts straight I didn’t tell anyone here that the live in a bubble because they don’t share my views I did it because they are being less than honest about their own views to shield themselves from the obvious truths. </p>
<p>-Do you deny that looks are part of the equation in a relationship? Of course they are. So then some claim the problem is that I am coercing my son to value looks MORESO than other qualities. Some of these same hypocrites, trying to be politically correct, I am sure, ran off certain potential mates so that they could find less attractive people because they value traits other than looks. </p>
<p>-No, everyone values looks and tries the best they can to match up with people of better or equal looks. If we are being honest we can admit that, dude.</p>
<p>-I honestly do not have time to correct all the falsehoods and ridiculous statements and accusations that have come up but I am thrilled they entertained the folks here. </p>
<p>-I will take the time to correct one. It makes no difference on earth to me status wise who my sons date. I do not bring my sons to cocktail parties and introduce them and their dates to my friends and hope for my friends approval. I really don’t know what else to say to that. </p>
<p>-I do not live vicariously through my sons. </p>
<p>-Believe what you want. </p>
<p>-I do want my sons to date hot girls. If there is something wrong with that, then I will happily be wrong. I am no different, in that regard, than anyone here but then again being honest is not exactly expected at this point. </p>
<p>-You can stop worrying about your kids maybe being in one of my classes. I don’t do unprofessional things at work or away from work and yes I am tenured and have been at two different colleges. I do not treat the students in my classes differently based on how they look. They are learners and I help them as much as I can. I do not have a Facebook account like many of the male professors do and I not have former students as friends on FB like some M profs I teach with do. </p>
<p>-You can say nothing about who your sons or daughters date if you want. I respect your right to let your sons and daughters decides who they date unless there are more serious concerns than looks. I prefer to talk things out with my kids, keeping it real, that works for us, at least it has so far.</p>
<p>Oh dude from Brooklyn, </p>
<p>Forgot to say. </p>
<p>When I posted I expected a smattering of opinions this way and that. </p>
<p>I didn’t expect this thread to go off on tangents about how ugly people tend to call attractive people shallow to make themselves feel better about the whole looks thing. </p>
<p>God, I bet those attractive men some of you all dated feel liek they really lost out but I’ll keep that to myself. </p>
<p>This thread also got into how gosh darn controlling I am. Awwww. I call it loving and parenting and based on the number of slackers out there I’d say being a big bad “controlling” parent isn’t all bad. </p>
<p>Here again, if controlling means advising and helping out and guiding and protecting then I am all for it. The real bottom line is do what is best for your kids. It is usually wise to listen to advice from other parents, oh yeah that, I was thinking about that when I posted but this thread went a little out of bounds. </p>
<p>I should of just said thanks to everyone and left it at that.</p>
<p>DUDE,</p>
<p>You still have not explained why you want your son to date “hot girls”. Assuming you are not looking for “hot” grand-babies anytime soon, and you have denied wanting his hot girlfriend for your own status…well the only explanation is the ‘living vicariously through him’ theory, which you deny. Or perhaps you want his “hot” girlfriend around for your own titallation.</p>
<p>Since you are convinced you look 20 years younger than your age, so say you’re 50, that would make you think you looked 30—your narcissim may be driving this whole topic. You think you are still a hot 30 year old player–so of course you’d prefer a hot 16 year old to an only average one. DUDE.</p>
<p>Also, your misogynistic leanings are all too evident. Why would you assume people who prefer character over beauty in their spouses do not possess beauty themselves? Gorgeous women attract so much low-life throughout their years, they tire of pretty boys who have never grown into men of integrity.</p>
<p>And before you call the rest of us slacker parents, well, hon, first show us that pleasingly plump envelope from that top Ivy in your hungry hands. What, an average school is good enough? No, it has to be a hot school! Let’s see how all that fatherly cajoling solves the challenges of those SAT Is, SAT IIs, ACTs, AP Calc, and GPA.</p>
<p>Oh, this is fun.</p>
<p>fauve,</p>
<p>Please. </p>
<p>I am not convinced I look 20 years younger than I am. Where are you getting this stuff from? You know what … don’t bother. If you are serious I will reply but your post is a joke.</p>
<p>fauve got confused because in post #167 it looked like you were saying you look 20 years younger than you are but I think you were actually quoting a previous poster. I was initially confused also but sorted it out after rereading it.</p>
<p>Be careful about writing off the slacker kids you see. Some people are late bloomers. I’ve known early slackers who turned into high achieving adults and I’ve know early high achievers who crashed and burned.</p>
<p>Some of us think it is important to let our kids find their own way.</p>
<p>Thanks, Pea for the correction. Whew, so glad I was wrong on the narcissism! </p>
<p>The lack of grammatically correct quotation marks had me thinking those were OP’s words.</p>
<p>I just actually read a few posts by the OP on this thread and it is sick. Do you really mean to tell me that this girl is nice, smart and has good values but you don’t like her. Do her a favor now and tell her so she could run the hell away from your son. You are a control freak who is headed for big trouble. Your son will end up a shallow man who is only interested in a pretty woman on his arm…yuck.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’ll save the OP some trouble as he’s probably exhausted from replying every 3 minutes…</p>
<p>“Admit it. You married your husband for looks…unless he’s ugly and you’re ugly and you couldn’t get anyone better. Be honest.”</p>
<p>“Of course you agree with me deep down…unless you’re not being honest with yourself…or you’re living in a bubble.”</p>
<p>“That dog won’t hunt…”</p>
<p>“Everyone judges by looks…if you disagree, that’s because you let yourself go, and that’s just what ugly people say…”</p>
<p>“I’m not living vicariously through my son just because he says he’s happy with his girlfriend and I insist that he is not…I know him better than he knows himself and my way has worked just fine all these years. MY WAY has worked fine all these years, which is why he has chosen a girl I don’t approve of and…uhm, well, I mean… well MY WAY has worked fine all these years.”</p>
<p>“Did I say that dog won’t hunt?”</p>
<p>“If you disagree with me, that means you live in a bubble and aren’t being honest with yourself…because anyone who’s being honest with themselves would automatically agree with me…”</p>
<p>“I’m not a hands off parent and I must stand up for my kid because he could do better. Although if he could do better, he would have done better, right…I mean, no, that dog won’t hunt!”</p>
<p>etc.</p>