Don't Like My Sons Girlfriend: What 2 Do??

Parent Cafe
101

<p>Honestly, why don’t you try to see WHY he likes her ? You might find your opinion changing to be more akin to his opinion. </p>

<p>Having seen my DS have three different gf, including the current one, I would have initially said the current choice was a ‘step down’ from the prior two. But, this past year, I looked more closely - and not at things like background, or ambitition, which had been my focus, but just on how she treated him. She was, and is, not what I would have expected, but she does really CARE for him, in a quiet, low key way. She is willing to extend herself for him, and is very supportive of him - and obviously, he must want and need those qualities more than ‘shiny and bubbly’ (GF # 1) and ‘go-getting ambitious’ (GF#2). Perhaps kids try on qualities in relationships - just as they try on aspects of personalities, before setting sight on what they really ‘need’ in a long term relationship. I personally, decided that a highly-supportive, and caring GF was great for DS, and fine by me.</p>

102

<p>From personal experience, I have found that teenagers who haven’t had a great growing up experience (dad is long gone, step-dad moving in), often gravitate to BFs/GFs who have the family life they want.</p>

<p>Our daughter-in-law’s experience:</p>

<p>Her dad was on his own at 18 (one parent long gone and one deceased). Paid his own way through college (with a wife and two daugthers) and med school. Thinks his daughters need to do the same themselves. Has not paid a dime for his daugthers’ college education. (Remember he’s a doctor.) Divorced from mom, second wife has no interest in children, even though she is a high school teacher.</p>

<p>Her mom had our daughter-in-law and her older sister before she was 21. Has been married two more times and has three more children. Decided she was a lesbian and is no on second gay marriage and moving our daughter-in-law’s half siblings 1000 miles away this weekend.</p>

<p>Growing up, our daughter-in-law never had a sit-down family dinner. No parent ever watched her tennis matches. No mom took her shopping for school clothes or prom dresses. </p>

<p>She saw that our son had two supportive parents and pretty much a June & Ward Cleaver experience (except that I have a job.) That was part of the attraction. Every day we teach her something new about how “family” should work. And as the monther of two sons, every day I am grateful for the daughter-in-law that I am nurturing, even if she is 21.</p>

<p>Burn no bridges. Be kind to everyone.</p>

103

<p>I’m still wondering why you feel there would be no negative fallout if you got involved, since you have “no namby-pamby fears of alienating” your sons. Also still wondering how you’d have responded if your father had told you that you could have done better with a first girlfriend. What if your father had questioned your choice of a life partner? Would you try to be more accepting of a future serious relationship?

Thisthisthis! I’ve always seen it as my job to welcome any boyfriends my three daughters choose to introduce us to. I’ve never seen it as my job to sort my kids’ emotional/love lives out, especially once they were old enough to have love lives. Your family seems to handle this another way.</p>

104

<p>In time, he probably will move on. He may even find someone you like even less. This girl sounds fine for a first girlfriend. You keep thinking he could do better. Well, he could also do a lot worse. Do you plan on screening his college dates as well? Do you have other children?</p>

105

<p>I am also skeptical about Joe Kennedy Sr. and Earl Woods as fathers. Their sons had/have wealth, fame, and/or power, yes. But not only did their sons have lifelong troubled relationships with women (nothing to admire on that score from any of them), I wonder how happy these men actually were. I wouldn’t wish their lives on my sons, if I had any. I don’t know much about Earl Woods, but Kennedy was something of a paternal disaster area, as his daughter Rosemary tragically exemplified, as well as a flagrant womanizer.</p>

106

<p>frazzled,</p>

<p>There could be negative fallout if I get involved actively or behind the scenes to break them up. I never said there wouldn’t be any consequences. There are always consequences. </p>

<p>I did say I am not worried about alienating my sons in the long run. Parenting based on the fear of losing one’s kids is a legit concern but it is also a fear that can get out of control and in the way of doing what is right. For some folks it is a paralyzing fear. Not for me. </p>

<p>My dad was a true hands off parent. </p>

<p>He grew up in Oklahoma. His mom had a spinal surgery that went wrong and she ended up in a state run home because she couldn’t function anymore. His dad ran out and my dad ended up living off the kindness of strangers at an early age. One couple liked him and saved him and made him a ranch hand and that is how he earned his keep until WWII started. He joined up because there weren’t any other options. He stayed in the Navy for 28 years rising up through the ranks.</p>

<p>He never said a word about any of this either. </p>

<p>It was only after my mom somehow got in touch with some of his relatives (this was before Facebook) and the story came out. The point is, after all that, he wasn’t the kind of parent that really got involved in micro-management type things. He made sure food was on the table but he didn’t ask a lot of questions. </p>

<p>If he questioned my choice of GF’s I would have been shocked so I am not sure how I would have reacted. It should be noted I was adopted and so were my two sisters. So, the only thing I know of my natural parents is that my mom was from Columbia. Not the university but the South American country. </p>

<p>I suppose you were expecting me to say I would have been very upset that my dad didn’t respect me enough to make my own decisions or something like that. </p>

<p>Baloney. </p>

<p>Kids aren’t mindless vacuums. </p>

<p>My kids don’t always like what I do or say but they do like that I care enough to be involved. Sometimes too involved, yes. But involved in the big stuff. </p>

<p>Mamby pamby land means you live in fear of losing your kids so you don’t say anything unless it is nice. Jesus. No wonder we have so many run aways and strippers. </p>

<p>Mamby pamby land means you are willing to suspend reality by pretending looks don’t matter. Everyone is equal. You have to really try hard to pull that one off. </p>

<p>I prefer to live in The Real World, you know?</p>

107

<p>“suspend reality pretending that looks don’t matter?” Really? Who cares what your child’s mate looks like, as long as they’re being treated well?</p>

108

<p>Since I don’t want to be considered Mamby pamby, the university is Columbia, the country is Colombia.</p>

109

<p>*It isn’t “gross” to think he can do better. Why should he settle for less than he could (in my opinion) get? Why? *</p>

<p>That’s just it. It’s YOUR opinion. What if your in-laws thought your H could “do better”? Should he have dumped you?</p>

<p>At some point your son will probably date some girl whose parents will think she can “do better”. Would you want your son to get dumped?</p>

<p>And…what’s the big deal? He’s just dating her. He’s a young kid. He’s not going to marry her. Do you think he’s going to want/need your approval for every girl he dates?</p>

<p>Again, unless she’s abusive, a druggie, or a liar/criminal…hands off.</p>

110

<p>ACCecil -</p>

<p>Gosh, you have really taken a beating on this thread.</p>

<p>I vote for option A.</p>

<p>I am the proud mother of a very strong willed, successful young woman. I learned when she was very young that she was far more likely to listen to my input if I limited my input. I saved my opinions for things that really mattered over the long haul. That is not to say she grew up in a moral vacuum. Our family had lots and lots of discussions about what mattered to us - character, honesty, hard work, etc., but I did not micromanage her. </p>

<p>As a result, when I ask her now if she wants to know what I think, she always says yes, and always factors my input into her decision. </p>

<p>My mantra - God gave us two ears and one mouth - use accordingly.</p>

111

<p>What a shame arranged marriages are not the norm in our culture . . . a new frontier for helicopter parents.</p>

112

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<p>Oh, I absolutely love that.</p>

113

<p>Your objections to this girl seem to boil down to looks, if your posts about how much looks matter are any clue.
What exactly is it about her looks that are so off-putting, I wonder. (Please don’t answer.)
My mom (sorry to bring her up again) always objected on the basis of attractiveness, as well. Chin too weak, too short (boy), hate her nose, has a funny mouth, I could go on. It’s so sad, really. She was a beauty queen in her day, and that’s the way she judges others. Fortunately, her kids didn’t follow suit. They picked partners who were kind and caring, “had good values,” and who treated them well.
It’s not so much that you’re getting involved and objecting to the girl he’s dating, but rather WHY you seem to object. If the message is she’s not good enough because she’s not that attractive, you’re really sending your son, and others in the family, a very damaging message. I would hope he will ignore your “advice” and go with his own gut and heart and choose a girl based on something other than a pretty face.</p>

114

<p>It isn’t “gross” to think he can do better. Why should he settle for less than he could (in my opinion) get? Why? </p>

<p>That’s just it. It’s YOUR opinion. What if your in-laws thought your H could “do better”? Should he have dumped you?</p>

<p>-Excuse me, Mom2, but whose opinion should I be using if not my own? Of course it is MY opinion. </p>

<p>-If my W’s in laws thought she could have done better I would have hoped they would have spoken up. That is a different situation since marriage is a long-term deal but the point remains the same eveyone should find as good a match as possible. I value traits like looks, honesty, work ethic, goals, etc., just like anyone else who is honest. </p>

<p>-By the way, my W didn’t have a penny to her name when I met her and I wasn’t much better off. She had all the other characteristics that I value and I apparently had most of the ones she cared about. </p>

<p>-Looks do matter. </p>

<p>-I could suspend reality and pretend they don’t but I prefer to live in The Real World. </p>

<p>-I could say nothing or only nice things because I live in fear of losing my kds when I am old or sooner but that is an irrational fear much like living in fear of the Bogey Man Who Lives Under my Bed. My kids listen to me because they know I care. They don’t alwasy agree with me and when they don’t we talk things out. That might not work for some parents but it is working mighty fine so far for us. </p>

<p>-My son isn’t a Greek God but if he were I could pretend he didn’t so as to be politically correct and not offend the people who might possible have kids that are not quite as attractive. I could then put my arm around his shoulder and say choose a GF based on things other than looks but that feels insincere and false because looks are part of the deal in any relationship. </p>

<p>-Limiting my advice to big battles is good advice.</p>

<p>-I could surround my self with people who think like I do on all things, looks don’t matter, don’t push your kids to excel (OMG you might over work them and they will hate you for it!!!), don’t say anything bad ever, only say nice things, if you pretend you like her he will lose interest and 101 other head games to play with your kids or I could just be up front and honest and tell him he can do better. </p>

<p>-Hand off parents are funny. Show me a slacker kid or young adult and I will show you one or two proud hands off parents. </p>

<p>-Show my a kid or young adult without a clue or direction in life and right behind them you will find two very proud and very fearful of everything hands off parents. </p>

<p>-I am almost afraid to post this. </p>

<p>-I am afraid of everything.</p>

115

<p>It’s actually namby-pamby. If Cecil is going to use it often, I just thought he’d like to know the accepted spelling.</p>

<p>Cecil, I was not at all going to say that you’d have been upset had your dad made any objections known. Just want to know where you’re coming from.</p>

116

<p>*It isn’t “gross” to think he can do better. Why should he settle for less than he could (in my opinion) get? Why? *</p>

<p>“better” is subjective.
For example, a " better" parent, would consider that dating in high school is important to some & too much work for others, but that high school students are old enough to know their own heart, and the parent should butt out .</p>

<p>Show my a kid or young adult without a clue or direction in life and right behind them you will find two very proud and very fearful of everything hands off parents.</p>

<p>My kids are older than yours- so I have the advantage of having an idea of how they " turned out", but when parents are fearful, it is more likely that they are trying to exhibit control on the small % of things that they can.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of, we all have done it at times, but giving your children the skills to make their own decisions will serve them best in the long run.</p>

117

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<p>RMAOFL</p>

<p>I have only skimmed this thread, but so many comments just shock me to the core.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>The thought that any parent would go behind the scenes to break up the kids. There is no engagement ring, who says that she is in his life forever?</p></li>
<li><p>Sometimes too involved…would say so if you are contemplating going behind the scenes to break them up.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>You raised a good kid, let him try out his wings and learn to fly.</p>

<ol>
<li>The fact that her looks play a part is down right disheartening.<br></li>
</ol>

<p>God has a sense of humor. What if he falls in love with the next Angelina Jolie, and 2 days after they are married, she gets in a horrific fire, scarring her skin, should he leave her? What if 4 yrs after they are married she gains 60 lbs, would you change your opinion of her?</p>

<p>We get she doesn’t meet your standard or epitome of the right girl for him, but as others have said it is his choice. Respect it, if you believe you raised a good kid, you will respect his choice.</p>

<p>I was the wrong choice for Bullet according to his Mother, not his Dad. I came from the wrong side of the tracks, but 27 yrs later, out of 3 kids, Bullet and I are the only couple still married. His siblings who got divorced at the 18-20 yr point actually blame her for the demise of their marriages. She never cut the apron strings and her constant interference because she loved them tore their marriages apart. Why didn’t it happen to Bullet and I? Because I turned to him and told him flat out…CHOOSE, ME or HER. He choose me, he cut her apron strings. It wasn’t pretty.</p>

<p>My golden rule is don’t give an ultimatum unless you are willing to accept the bad result. Keep your mouth shut, because she may give it and you can be on the losing end.</p>

<p>FWIW you really are the definition of helioing. You can change that really quickly by believing in yourself as a parent that you did a great job and raised a great kid. </p>

<p>Do you not find it ironical that you are saying you are a great parent for being sooo involved, but at the same time you don’t trust your own child in picking a mate? Have you ever considered that he actually talks about you to her, and has found someone who supports him, and not criticizes? </p>

<p>For all you know she is the glue in your relationship right now. She could be like me, and know of your disapproval of her, but is the one to say, he loves you, don’t be angry. However, if she is like me, and after yrs of yrs of your condescension she will turn on you and force him to turn his back on you too.</p>

<p>Bullet is there for his folks, but he will never forgive his mother for the hurt she caused me emotionally. He calls every weekend 9:30 sharp, does his sonly duties, but that is where it starts and ends. OTOH my Mom who has always loved him calls the house and before handing over the phone to me he yaks it up for 20+ minutes. This of course has caused another wrinkle, my MIL hates the fact that Bullet would rather be with my family than with her. She alienated him. She did it, nobody else…time warp yourself 10 yrs do you want him to be closer to his wife’s family because you believed she wasn’t good enough?</p>

118

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<p>So far with respect to this match, you’ve only mentioned looks. Is this girl not honest? Does she have no work ethic? I thought you said she had good values and that she was nice.
If she isn’t honest or has some real character flaw, that is what I would object to, not whether or not I liked her face.
Don’t you even see how you could lose the respect of your son if you make her looks a deal-breaker? Honestly, it sounds like it’s too late. You’ve already done it. Now you’re just rationalizing.</p>

119

<p>ACCecil

</p>

<p>You also mentioned that she comes from a single parent home (step dad just moved in), as if that makes her “less”. Don’t deny it - you know that is what you meant.</p>

<p>You are in for a big surprise when you realize you cannot predict who will be a success and who will not. Sometimes you will get it right, but in no way can you know for sure. I have been involved with many hiring decisions at all levels. People are complicated, and each one has a unique path. I really should not mess with the girl’s destiny, however, by trying to educate you. Clearly you are a part of her journey, the character who is positive she is not good enough for your son. You will be fuel for her fire. Keep it up. People like you help people like me achieve big things. :)</p>

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<p>I would choose A.</p>

<p>I like anothermoms notion that this is a time for him to learn about relationships and what he needs and wants from them. This will involve dating different types of people. Not trying to find dad’s ultimate choice right out of the starting gate.</p>

<p>I also agree with PIMA that you are likely to alienate your son in the long run, because his partner will become his primary relationship, and if you are disapproving and judgemental, he <em>will</em> pick her over you. If he doesn’t, then he will have a lifetime of unsatisfactory relationships, trying to please you.</p>

<p>Again, this has to be about his needs and wants, not what you think his needs and wants should be.</p>

<p>My S has his first girlfriend, and I don’t think she’s anything special either. But he’s happy. You can’t control who you’re attracted to. And looks are just one part of the equation. If they get along well, share interests, and are kind and respectful to each other, I’d say that’s a good thing.</p>