<p>hops_scout yes, they are against the law, and yes consequences would be expected. I guess we differ on how much sense it makes for some schools suspending kids, and other schools stating community service is in order. One school has a punishment that has a potentially life altering affect and the other merely giving of ones time.</p>
<p>When my kid can get in trouble for a roommate’s bad behavior, then all this business of it being unethical to be a tattletale is just foolish. What if that the RM stored the stuff on your S’s side of the room, maybe tucked back behind the window curtain or something? My kid has a right to protect her scholarship and her enrollment status at the college, and has the right to expect her roommates to abide by any rules that could get all of them in trouble. And she has that right WITHOUT having to live in the substance free dorm (which is not very nice at D’s college).</p>
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<p>OTOH, what if one of the other kids who had been drinking went out in a car and got killed / killed somebody – then the very same parent would be attacked for knowing that drinking was going on at a teen party and just looking out for her own kid but not getting the cops involved to stop it. I’m neither advocating nor condoning snitching, but I can see two sides to this story.</p>
<p>intparent - I agree.</p>
<p>Being here in the US on a visa the consequences of my D being caught doing ANYTHING illegal could result in her deportation. So when she gets to college, if she finds that her RM is doing anything illegal, my D will through one means or another distance herself from that person. She knows this and thankfully her friends in HS are not the kind of kids to get themselves or her into trouble.</p>
<p>“What if that the RM stored the stuff on your S’s side of the room, maybe tucked back behind the window curtain or something? My kid has a right to protect her scholarship and her enrollment status at the college, and has the right to expect her roommates to abide by any rules that could get all of them in trouble.”</p>
<p>And for some it’s all about self-preservation. I do hope your daughter has let her roommates know that she will CHA at all costs which includes turning them in if she suspects that they’re violating any rules so that THEY can switch roommates.</p>
<p>Serious question, do they know that she’ll throw them under the bus to protect herself? She needs to tell them so that they’re aware.</p>
<p>If RM had anything stashed on son’s side (which he didn’t), I’d like to think that he would have admitted that it was his. I like to see the good in people until they prove otherwise.</p>
<p>In response to an earlier post–yes I read the student handbook and reminded my student what the regs and consequences were. She opted to not obtain a fake ID after envisioning the possible harm to her ,eh, “permanent record”.</p>
<p>" my D will through one means or another distance herself from that person."</p>
<p>That’s different. Distancing herself is the right thing to do, that’s not the same thing as turning in a student who is breaking the rules.</p>
<p>If your roommate is doing something that could cause trouble for you or that makes you uncomfortable, get a new roommate. </p>
<p>There are ways to protect yourself without getting another person expelled or costing them a scholarship.</p>
<p>It depends on the situation as to whether turning in another person is the right thing to do. A few years ago, there was all sorts of trouble at a school where a room mate was dealing drugs, and both students in that room got into a lot of trouble. The dealer comes from a family who has the resources to deal with the situation. The roommate does not. Who do you think is bearing the brunt of what happened? If you have a roommate doing illegal things, and does not stop when you ask him/her to do so, I think you should report what is happening. </p>
<p>I also don’t see the problem with the parent picking up a kid at a party and then calling it in for drugs and underage drinking. Maybe some lives were saved. </p>
<p>As to what happened to the OP’s son, I think getting an attorney that is familiar with dealing with the town and college is a wise thing to do. The problem is that when you get caught for some this stuff, you don’t know what can happen. The police and schools do not always play by the rules, nor are they consistent in how they handle situations. Having had to deal with trouble with my kids, I can tell you that it’s a tightrope we parents walk, as we try to protect our kids and yet make them understand and take the consequences of their actions. It’s not as though all of this is under your control. I 've seen too many cases where this sort of thing goes way beyond the seriousness of an infraction because of bad luck.</p>
<p>So to all the “my child would never break the rules parents”</p>
<p>To give you a hypothetical example: How about if your child is driving too fast say 20 miles above speed limit, late for the SATs or something very critical. They know it’s illegal to speed. They have an accident, injure someone seriously and the DA wants to charge them with manslaughter, couple of years in jail. What do you say, yes give them the maximum punishment, they knew it was against the law to speed. You are not going to hire them a lawyer? And even if they have a lawyer you tell them they should face the consequences. Come on, I don’t believe it. </p>
<p>Why does every adult in this country have the right a lawyer if they commit a crime, yet your kids don’t warrant the same to protect their rights. Why, because of course, they knew they were committing a crime?</p>
<p>I would fight like hell to protect my kids rights no matter what they have done. But I don’t know, I kind of think as a parent that is my job. I don’t sanction getting your kid out of every scrape, but this is serious for both kids - losing your 4 year scholarship $100-$200K or the op’s kid a felony? Really just let them hang in the wind and say they should have known? jmho</p>
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<p>I’ve heard a judge say that this seldom happens - actually he said, in his experience, that he’s never seen it. His advice is to know the people you hang out with well and be willing to share whatever consequences befall them. This thread reminded me of his advice.</p>
<p>" That’s different. Distancing herself is the right thing to do, that’s not the same thing as turning in a student who is breaking the rules.</p>
<p>If your roommate is doing something that could cause trouble for you or that makes you uncomfortable, get a new roommate."</p>
<p>Maybe your son should have done the same.</p>
<p>Florida lady, we dont even know what OPs son knew re the RM, and it is kinda mean to say something like this at this time.</p>
<p>“Maybe your son should have done the same.”</p>
<p>No, he shoudn’t have. He’s responsible for his fake ID, I’m not blaming his roommate. </p>
<p>I’m glad that my son is so concerned about his roommate. It’s called empathy.</p>
<p>At most colleges it is difficult to just “get a new roommate” freshman year. You have to talk to the RA (and usually the person above that) about the problems you are having with your roommate. So… you expect my kid to lie about why they want to switch rooms to protect the other kid? </p>
<p>D did indeed tell her roommate that she was going to talk to the RA, and why she was going to do it (this after an initial conversation where she asked the rm to not keep alcohol in the room, and the rm kept doing it). She gave the roommate a chance to get rid of her stuff, so the RA could not really take any action. Then the RA was aware of which kid would be to blame if that kind of problem came up in the room. And when more roommate problems occurred, D was able to transfer rooms. FYI, the roommate eventually drank herself out of school.</p>
<p>It won’t do a lick of good to “distance herself” if the roommate is caught and tries to pawn any of the blame off on their roommate. Unless the RA is aware of the situation, the innocent kid can still get burned. So I assume “distancing herself” does include providing some info to the RA. It can easily turn bad for the innocent kid, especially if the kid who is caught is going to be expelled/lose scholarship money – they have plenty of motive to lie. If they don’t have the ethics to follow the dorm rules, not sure why I would expect better when they are caught.</p>
<p>OP, when is your husband going to talking to the “authorities” at the college?</p>
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<p>Correct. </p>
<p>The alternative is to allow Police and prosecutors to do whatever they please. </p>
<p>I have a lot of respect for the Police, and in fact I have worked with the Police for 12 years in a volunteer position. However, I would never entrust anyone, least of all my kids, to the untrammeled hands of Police and prosecutors.</p>
<p>Exactly AD. After you cut the best deal you can with school and/or police, you can always extract your own pound of flesh.</p>
<p>“She gave the roommate a chance to get rid of her stuff, so the RA could not really take any action. Then the RA was aware of which kid would be to blame if that kind of problem came up in the room.”</p>
<p>Problem solved. </p>
<p>“FYI, the roommate eventually drank herself out of school.”</p>
<p>What a tragedy, how heartbreaking for her and her parents. </p>
<p>Int, you almost seemed satisfied when you posted about the former roommate. I guess you were right about that roommate all along. I don’t think that a kind person would get any pleasure from a freshman “drinking herself out of school”. </p>
<p>Your attitude frightens me.</p>
<p>Astro…he called several hours ago and was told she was in a meeting and would call back.</p>
<p>Still no return call.</p>
<p>Idinct- Within the structure of a private college, it is all the more important to read the fine print in the handbook. Nobody is claiming their student never breaks rules. However, we, as parents, are doing a disservice to kids if we blindly look away from their behavior and do not seriously discuss with them what the consequences can be to their futures.</p>
<p>They are big kids now, we need to assure that they read the fine print (or we read it to them), whether it is on a credit card pamphlet, or in a college student handbook. The repurcussions are too serious to ignore, especially since the school can dictate ALL the shots, and constitutional rights to search have been relinquished with enrollment in the college.</p>
<p>As for the roommate dilemma–discussion with an RA and a request for a room change would have been the ideal, but the social pressure to be cool with anyone and everyone surely deters most students from that route.</p>