<p>I really thought you were going to put in quotations and say this was a quote from Carmella Soprano!</p>
<p>A little later on, you brought up the notion of empathy, of niceness. You know what is really empathetic? Realizing that a college campus, like any community, is made up of a lot of different kinds of people with varying health situations and prior life experiences. There are rules in place that are there so that people can live together comfortably. It is kind to keep illegal substances out of dorms, so as to avoid making others uncomfortable. It is empathetic to abstain from making or using a fake i.d., as it makes others feel safe to be able to count on the validity of identification measures. It is compassionate to be sober in dorms and public areas so that a wide variety of lifestyles, perspectives, and study habits can be accommodated. Breaking the rules of a community is one thing, but being unrepentant (except on the surface to avoid punishment) is the opposite of kind. It also is unkind to blame people for using the proper means available to them to keep their community in a state that is welcoming to all. Drugs are not a victimless crime. Many people feel uncomfortable around them, and since the rules are on their side, I would say that the offenders need to make a change rather than using words like snitch.</p>
<p>
Um this is really not the way to look at this. First of all, consult Partnership For a Drug Free America for actual stats, but if you really want to understand your reasoning from another perspective, imagine saying it to a judge.</p>
<p>coleytown
I am the parent of non-perfect, normal, wonderful children. Am I surprised that they are not perfect? Nope, since neither one of their parents is perfect. Not even close. </p>
<p>When it was time for me to put on my parent hat, I needed to make sure that I taught the black-and-white, unqualified nature of rules and laws. I believe that letting kids and young adults suffer consequences, without getting angry with the messengers, is a good thing. One thing I am sure of. If we give our kids even a hint that the problem lies anywhere but in their own laps when they have made a mistake, we have done them a great disservice. Yes, you should give DS legal support if he needs it and you can afford it. Yes, he should be required to pay you back. But he should not get the message that anyone but himself is 100% to blame for procuring a fake i.d., and keeping close company with someone who was committing illegal behavior. No focus whatsoever should be on anything but that. You are not his friend, you are his parent. You should not be OK with what went down here, on any level.</p>
<p>I know, poetgrl, but all sides have been discussed here. The OP ventured a lot of opinions on the RM’s status as well, so I just sort of responded to it all.</p>
<p>I really do hope it all turns out well for these kids, BTW. I really needed to address a few things which needed…addressing.</p>
<p>Kayf -You think you are the arbitrar of what needs addressing as much as I do, in that you have brought up a lot of points yourself on this thread. I have as much a right to my two cents as you do to yours. The rules in this instance apply to everyone as well.</p>
<p>I would suspect that the school will be much more interested in the drug behavior than the fake ID, and I hope that the OP’s son gets the same treatment as the girl on campus he talked to today. I suspect that the people who searched the room would rather have not come up with a fake ID from the non-pot-smoking-in-public-roommate, but when they found it, they had to deal with it.</p>
<p>I hope the weekend goes better for you Coley than the last nearly-24-hours have gone.</p>
<p>Spideygirl is having about the same amount of success in convincing us as the Broadway play is attempting (injuries exempted but not forgotten). Give it up girl. It is very clear that you are simply judgmental; it is an instant loss of credibility in this particular thread. Again, the family needs support from people of goodwill, not criticism in this hour of concern.</p>
<p>Spideygirl - I’m not going to counter your individual points but I’d like to respond to one thing.</p>
<p>My H and I are good parents, notwithstanding the opinions of strangers on a message board. We have ALWAYS punished our kids, and when I said publicly he was contrite - that’s because I’m honest and I know that even though my son SAYS he knows he did something wrong, in his heart of hearts, he doesn’t believe it, I know him too well…I don’t believe it myself and although that’s what I’m saying (that he did something wrong), I can’t deny my true feelings</p>
<p>I disagree with the drinking age at 21 and personally, can’t pretend to be outraged with my son for having a fake ID when I did the same thing. I feel the same way about marijuana. </p>
<p>My husband however, read him the riot act and we WILL punish him when he comes home. If you were to ask S what his parents think about all of this, he would tell you that we are very disappointed in him and that we agree with the school’s actions 100%, since that was what we conveyed to him. </p>
<p>Throughout our kids childhoods there have ALWAYS been consequences for our kids transgressions, regardless of what our personal opinions were, because we live by societies rules and not ours alone. We are not those parents who argue with a school administrator in front of our kids, even though in private we may think that they’re completely off-base and unfair. You play, you pay, they got away with nothing. Our kids have always worked, never been late, never shirked their responsibilities and to the best of our knowledge, never hurt another human being.</p>
<p>BTW, to whoever equated turning in a student for smoking pot to turning in a hit and run driver…absurd. I told myself I was going to ignore the ridiculous analogy but sometimes I can’t believe what I read online.</p>
<p>Thanks again for all the support and advice to all who offered it. You helped and I hope this thread has helped someone else.</p>
<p>coolrunning, i dont think spidey is being any more judgemental that others who are offering the opposite opinion. that is her take on the situation, and as you can see from my earlier posts i would say that i am more towards that side of the argument…had hoped for a process for 1st offenses (which appears to be true)…but still feel rules are rules and there are consequences to breaking them…should the rules be changed? perhaps…but if you choose to go to a school that has rules you dont agree with, then that is the chance you take.</p>
<p>ETA Coley i will totally agree with you re the drinking age… i have never understood how an 18 year old can make a decision to join the army and put himself in harms way, but supposedly is not old enough to have a cigarette or a drink. again…if the rules are wrong work to change them, but in the meantime…live by them</p>
<p>"Yes, he should be required to pay you back. But he should not get the message that anyone but himself is 100% to blame for procuring a fake i.d., and keeping close company with someone who was committing illegal behavior. No focus whatsoever should be on anything but that. You are not his friend, you are his parent. You should not be OK with what went down here, on any level. "</p>
<p>Gee, ya think? You’re making a LOT of assumptions. My son is taking 100% responsibility for buying the fake ID. I can’t imagine where you got the impression that he wasn’t, but thanks for that swell parenting advice.</p>
<p>It’s a miracle that H and I have managed to produce such kind, considerate kids despite our incompetence, don’t you think?</p>
<p>The OP chose to express very controversial viewpoints, including entering into a negative exchange with other posters. I am fine with that, BTW, it’s all good, but it certainly does qualify someone for honest input rather than merely sympathy.</p>
<p>And you, coolrunning, should be able to stick to issues rather than than attack or insult a poster with whom you disagree.</p>
<p>Spidey, I brought up points. YOU say YOUR points NEED to be addressed. That was the difference I was referring to. And as to attacking, I think you attacked OP, who came her in her time of need pretty vicously.</p>
<p>Please remember that most freshmen do NOT pick their own roommates. The OP’s son is not necessarily the roommate’s friend, and he is definitely not the roommate’s teacher or parent.</p>
<p>Coleytown, so far so good! I am hoping that your son receives an appropriate punishment (ie: a little community service). Frankly, I think that he has been through enough already!</p>
<p>Parent56, your, my, and EVERYONE else’s “opinions” are irrelevant to this thread. A mom was in desperate need of advice, as she requested.</p>
<p>While MANY offered such support (even in contradiction to one another, it was all intended to be helpful) — the OP got many instant reactions to our internal maternal and paternal thoughts of: “What would I do if I were her”.</p>
<p>Then we get the “judgment police” with commentary that was not helpful, and I believe to be quite hurtful. Speaking of judgmental . . . I am disturbed that some these posters were allowed to supervise kids – you know who you are. I’m sure there are some walking wounded juniors out there.</p>
<p>Many of us are disturbed that young people were in the unfortunate position of being supervised by people who think that it is OK to break the law, or make fun of peers who try to follow the rules by reporting things to wise adults. Scary stuff.</p>