DD is graduating and has been planning a party with her friends - we booked a hall so there is room for everyone’s family and friends (around 250 guests - ridiculous I know). It’s been on the books for a year already and they sent out their invites on social media and via the mail over a month ago.
Today my sister announced that she is having my nieces graduation party brunch the same day (our party starts at 4, with decorations and cooking already on the agenda for the day). My niece didn’t have an easy time through high school and is my God child - I would love to support her by attending her party any other day of the year except this date! We are in the same town (graduates attend the same high school) . What do I do? I don’t feel like I can dump my share of the work onto the other families nor do I want to blow off my fragile nieces party. Also - my sister has been increasingly weird around me, very secretive and keeping me at a distance. DH feels there is some envy happening and I tend to agree to the extent that for a year or so I kept pretty quiet about my lifes blessings of respect for whatever challege she is facing and keeping silent about. So, I don’t know if this is a very passive aggressive jab or what. Is it an invitation with a “p.s please don’t come” message? I am stumped. At a complete loss for the right thing to do and the right words to say.
Oh geez, that’s a tough one. I don’t know the relationship you have with your sister, but since it is in the same town and in the morning, I would at the very least stop by to your niece’s party (even if it is for a short time). I assume they are coming to yours at 4pm? Sorry that she put you in this position; that is kind of lousy that she scheduled it on the same day knowing you would have planning to do for yours.
@threebeans: Wow, does your sister ever sound like mine! Sheesh. Here is what I’d do: find someone to take over for you for an hour at your party venue, kitchen, whatever. Go to your godchild’s brunch with a lovely gift. Make sure you have a little bit of time to connect with her there… as it’s likely she will hear a very different version of the story from her mom. My godmother was such an important woman in my life. I try to be there for all of my godchildrens’ milestones too. Just make sure you make plans with your niece/godchild to go do something special together – just the two of you – to celebrate her graduation. She will know how much you care. (And if she’s anything like my sister’s kids, she’s got her mom all figured out!) 
I agree that you should attend your niece’s party. Can you do your part of the cooking the night before? Or, call in the services of a caterer? Also agree that the time you spend with your niece is very important. Is it possible to spend time with her/take her to lunch ahead of the party so she doesn’t feel slighted if you have to leave the brunch early? The last thing you want is for her to feel minimized! There’s nothing to be gained by letting your sister know the timing bothers you.
Did she know your DD was having this party? The graduating girls are cousins, aren’t they? Are they going to each other’s gigs?
Yes, drop by, make presence known. Bruins something, and a nice gift, but leave in time to start prep on your DD’s event.
Your daughter and her cousin attend the same high school but your daughter planned a joint grad party with friends and didn’t include your niece? Is your niece invited to your daughter’s party?
Your godchild’s fragility is way more important than your sister’s behavior – I’d ignore sister (I mean, ignore anything possibly baiting, act like pleasant Teflon, not ignore-ignore) and make niece my focus. And I say this lovingly, but any one of my friends and I would happily have work foisted off onto us to enable a gesture supporting someone who had struggled to make her way through.
As for what to say, you know your niece and you know how to say “Go you!” With your sister – well, I’ll just say what really touched me. When one of our sons wrapped up a very difficult situation, my husband got me a dozen roses because of what he says I did to help while he (son) got through. If you think the dynamic between your sister and niece includes support and encouragement, and if it sits right, maybe a gift for your sister as well? Mostly, I’d let your godchild’s achievement, and your love for her, guide any topics of conversation.
Congratulations to both graduates!
Can another family member (husband, kid, sister in law) take over some of your party prep work so you can go to your niece’s party?
@threebeans That is a hard situation definitely. Perhaps your sister purposely picked the same date but brunch instead so that the family would go from hers to yours knowing they were already attending yours. If she was really trying to bug you she would have done it at the same time so you couldn’t attend. If her child is fragile, perhaps your child has more friends, advantages, help with college, etc and she feels left out for her child of all your child is achieving and receiving. Cousins in the same town of the same age often compete and one is first and one is second. The brunch sounds smaller and cozier and is probably her attempt to have a party for her daughter without comparison to your bigger event. I would attend albeit for a short time and make a special ‘date’ with your niece for summer sometime to catch up and show additional emotional support. I think if you and your sister were close definitely reach out after all this grad stuff is done and check in. She may be mourning a graduation/senior year her daughter that she isn’t having or won’t have
Go to both. Have someone else do everything for your party (or go to Costco), go to your niece’s party but leave by 2, do final set up for yours and have fun. Pay someone to set up the decorations.
At this time of the year, everyone is double booked. Weddings, grad parties, birthday parties, mother’s day…
You knew your niece was graduating the same day and that family would be invited to two parties if you didn’t share a party. No matter when your sister planned her event, it wouldn’t have been convenient for you with such a big party planned.
@austinmshauri yes they attend the same large high school and are extremely different people . It would have been nice for them to do it together but they aren’t each other’s first choice anymore so we didn’t force it. My sister and her family are invited and plan on attending
If at all possible, I would attend the niece’s brunch. Do as much as you can ahead and then ask a friend or pay another teen to cover your prep duties.
Aren’t families great?
But @RandyErika, when should the niece have had her party? It sounds like it is a lot smaller and it is convenient for all the relatives except for OP to attend two parties on the same day.
This really isn’t all that complicated. Call up the other folks coordinating the party for your daughter and her friends, and re-organize your responsibilities. Now that you have a morning conflict, you can be in charge of clean-up/tear-down when the party ends. Any food that you were responsible for can now be made a day earlier, or ordered from the supermarket/deli.
Take your daughter to her cousin’s party. Celebrate with the family. When it is time to head out for the next party, load whichever random relatives who need a lift into your car.
In the community where my sister and her family live, the weekends before and after graduation are one party after another and scheduled on top of each other. Everyone party hops - and this means miles of driving in a rural area. It isn’t unusual to get to a grad’s party and find the honoree has left for a classmate’s party.
It sounds like what happens here. Parties are staggered throughout the day on the weekends leading up to and just after graduation. I don’t think I’d attach any special significance to it. Ask your friends for help in rearranging your day so you can do both.
Thank you all for your perspectives. I’ve thought it over and there’s no doubt the other families will pick up the slack for me during set up, also it is not clear that my sons long term girlfriends are invited to brunch but I can ask them to help with set up too. What I kind of resent is due to divorce my nieces dads family has been labeled “people who don’t put her first.” I would have preferred to celebrate her graduation where I (and the rest of the family) don’t have any conflicts and can focus on her celebration. Breezing in and out doesn’t feel like I am putting her first, but I’ll work with what I have been given. Lots of moving parts here but you’ve helped with my attitude (pleasant teflon indeed @HouseChatte !)
Glad you’re making it work. I can totally see cousins having them same day/different time frame for convenience for family getting them done in one trip. Our reception was on the 12th. My MIL scheduled Easter dinner on the 11th for the out of state sibling’s family (also DD’s godparents) to do both things in one trip. They arrived for dinner around 12:30 and we had to leave by 2:30 due to work and grad receptions and needing to get food items to our venue. Hectic, but worth it. Saw them the next day at our reception of course, though I was mostly preoccupied in the kitchen.
Hope your day goes great!
I really like the suggestion of taking the time if possible before grad party day to take your niece out for a little outing for just the two of you for something special. That would really show you care and you can express all the good feeling stuff in person in an intimate setting even more than the grad party where there will be many distractions.
But also agree that you should make an appearance for as long as you are able to show family support and honestly it might be nice to walk away from the stress of setting up your daughters party for an hour or so!
I’m still confused. Are you saying these two parties were scheduled, but neither kid knew when the other party was scheduled…yours has been in the books for a year?
I agree…go to the brunch…and celebrate with your niece. Then enjoy your own party later in the day.
This is why we had both of our kid’s parties in August…right before the weekend many were leaving for college. It was more like a farewell, and no conflicts.
Congratulations on all the graduations in your family!