I always feel uncomfortable sharing accomplishments of my children in my social circle to avoid envy or comparisons as not all kids perform at same level.
I’ve noticed this habit is rubbing off on my children and they are not able to share any of their happy moments with their friends due to fear of being insensitive. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad for them?
In life, modesty can be a positive trait. However, in college admissions, it is horrible thing. They have to be able to brag about their accomplishments as nobody else will. The way admissions are structured, the kids who brag the most generally have the best outcomes.
For me it is all in the way you do it, I don’t like bragging particularly but it is okay to take pride in what a kid has done. For example, one of the things that gets me really angry is when a parent says “Oh, my johnny just did X, what is your kid up to?” in the same sentence, that is doing a direct comparison and being a jerk. Going on and on about how great your kid is is bragging,mentioning something you are proud of is not. It also depends on who you are talking to, if you know the person you are talking to has a kid who is having problems, it isn’t the right time and place to bring it up IMO.
I think it is good that your kids are aware of other kids and worried about being insensitive, but there is nothing wrong with being proud of an accomplishment, it is okay to mention something they are proud of as long as it isn’t bragging, saying “I just found out I got into X,I am shocked I got in, it was so tough” is not bragging, saying “well, I got into school X but I wasn’t surprised” is bragging to me. I think it also is good to not share every little thing but leave it for the big ones, doesn’t come over well if you constantly as a parent or kid are talking about every little thing you did.
I totally get this! I pretty well don’t volunteer tons of info unless asked. It was just part of my own upbringing.
And it’s nice that your kids are sensitive to other’s feelings but hopefully your kids have friends who would be happy for them rather than be jealous of their accomplishments.
But OTOH–as my mom used to say–“he who doesn’t toot his own horn remaineth untooteth” meaning sometimes you’ve GOT to let others know your accomplishments to gain respect. And that also is a good lesson to learn.
When I hear something good about a friends kid I sometimes try to bring it up in front of others - sort of a third party humble brag opportunity.
My kids too but then it took extra effort to get them to express how fabulous they are for writing personal statements for colleges and internships.
Humble is the way in our family. Achievements make us feel good personally. We don’t need the adoration of others to make us feel good.
That being said, I had a close relative who was unmarried without children. She was very close to my DS and was somewhat a mentor to him also. She wanted to hear all about DS’s accomplishments. She died about a year ago. Besides the normal grief of losing her, I lost my “brag to” person. Everytime I have news about my son, the first thing I think of is “wait until relative hears about this!”. It hits hard, reminding me she is not here anymore.
Listening to bragging is what grandparents are for. 
I used to participate in some forums for parents of gifted children, where parents would bewail the fact that they couldn’t brag about their kids. To which I would reply, “Ya think?”
Here’s the truth: bragging by ANYONE about ANYTHING is almost always obnoxious. There is a difference between bragging and conveying factual information to a person who is genuinely interested and ASKED.
I will say, though, that it was my observation that certain schools clearly preferred kids who were confident that they were Just So Special, and radiated that sense of self worth. Not necessarily in an arrogant or obnoxious way.
Glad we have a bragging thread!
Remember to tell your kids that they can brag to you. They can also complain to you about things that might sound obnoxious if they complained about them to someone else.
Your parents are the only people you can whine to when you get an A minus and had hoped for better, or when you get a well-paying job in your field in city X but you really would have liked the similar job in city Y that went to somebody else.
I remember D being shocked that her application to transfer to dream private U was accepted and when she told her friends, they were totally nonchalant and said, “You said you’d join us at that school, of course they accepted you.”
This is reassuring. Thank you.
Sometimes it feels awkward to share even where my son is applying to schools, even though has not even been accepted anywhere yet. For example, we bumped into a lot of prospective students and their parents in the town of Ithaca, and they would say, “We are here to look at Ithaca College. Are you visiting it?” And we would feel a little awkward saying we were there for Cornell… although we should not feel funny, because Ithaca’s a great schl but just not of interest to my son.
Also, sometimes it is hard when someone urges you to consider their alma mater since you will be passing near it, and you know your kid would have no interest in it. I try to listen more than talk and just answer honestly anything I am asked. And sometimes I just turn the conversation to be about them, “Cool-- that school is in such a pretty location! What did you major in?”
And when the parent of one of your child’s friends is stressing over their child’s SAT/ ACT score, you feel like a supportive friend until they ask you flat out what your child’s score is. Uh oh. Now I’ve made them worry more!
She can put all her glorious achievements on her resume.
D1 applied for a scholarship and asked me to look over her CV. I was astonished at all her achievements, most of which she had never told me about. I told her that humility is a wonderful trait, but she was free to share her honors with us, so she has started to be more forthcoming. But I’m glad she doesn’t need the validation of others to feel good about what she is accomplishing.
Can you give us an example?
It’s one thing to say “I’m so excited…I scored the winning goal in the soccer game.”
And another to say “I got the highest score on the calculus test…or I got accepted to all of the Ivies”.
Nice that your kids are modest. I think it is a case by case issue. The kids can brag to you and grandma and the Common App. To friends? That’s a tougher question. Friends may not want to hear that you aced the Physics test. But if you did well after a struggle, after making a C and then studying hard, they may want to know.
I was taught that in situations like that it was better to let other people brag on you. If the teacher puts a list of kids that make a 5 on the AP on the board, okay. But I wouldn’t burst into class the day after results are released and announce I made a 5.
Not one specific thing. Its a general observation.
I have always wanted my kid to do things because he enjoyed doing them. If he did well enough to win something, it was the doing well that I wanted him to savor, not the prize. With that said, most prizes are awarded in some forum (such as at a team banquet), so if he won something, he got his “moment” there. And of course, I have relatives to tell. (And he has me!)
But I appreciate that modesty in him and in others. If you’re worried that sharing news is going to make someone uncomfortable, you probably have your answer on whether or not to share that news.
Maybe I was wrong, but I encouraged my son to keep actual scores to himself. I suspect he shared with closest friends, but I know I never divulged.
Same here, @bookworm. I definitely had other parents want to share and ask. I just figured it was better not to play. One dad on the sidelines of games always wanted to “compare notes” which included a lot of bragging about his own kid and asking pointed, personal questions about mine. My stock answer to such inquiries was “Kiddo asked us not to talk about it so I have to respect that. Glad your son/daughter is did so well!” Rinse and repeat. Most people are just looking for an opportunity to talk about themselves anyway.
I tend to be a private person but for those I know and trust, I tend to share both good and bad if sincerely asked. I think folks take the good news better if they know you’re not always feeding them only the whitewashed version of things. Nobody is perfect, at least not me and mine.