I’m on the cusp of making some big decisions. My late mother would have been my main support in thinking things through. I miss that thoughtfulness.
Could you give me your take on the following?
Here are the facts, in order of importance.
S1 has developmental challenges (sensory, social, fits Asperger's profile) and we are in the middle of our 5th (yes 5th) school change for him. He's currently in 2nd grade. He is working with 6 different therapists. AMAZING kid, tremendous progress, miles to go.
S2 (no issues) is in need of more attention and TLC from both parents. It is tough to be S1's younger brother, and to have frazzled parents.
I have a Ph.D. in a biological science specialty and worked for 10 years in scientific publishing, rising in the ranks to a high-level management position. H is a medical professor (with tenure, whew). He works a lot and travels about 5 days/month. In 2016 it all became too much and something had to give.
In September 2016 I decided to 'downshift' to a more family friendly role at our local science museum (which happens to be the big one here in NYC) in order to be more available to my family.
The results of my experiment to leave my career for a nice little job up the street are decidedly mixed. The museum is great but I do not enjoy the work, which is very administrative. I took a pay cut and make about the same as our wonderful but expensive babysitter (who has a background working with S1's profile). And it is still a 9-5 office job so there is still plenty of frazzle.
Having given the experiment 6 months, I’m reflecting whether to stay the course or pivot.
Plan A. Stay the course. Hope something more rewarding opens up internally?
Plan B. Go back to publishing but look for a working remote position (e.g. editing scientific manuscript copy).
Plan C. Similar to above but freelancing as a writer with a focus on scientific content e.g. for foundations, magazines, etc?
My main goals are to:
a) have flexibility so I can directly interface with S1’s therapists, teachers, etc. as much as possible and give more TLC to S2
b) find work that uses my training, even a little, for personal satisfaction
It seems as though your family’s finances are stable.
Can you combine B and C - B being Part-Time editing position and supplemented with freelance work as your schedule permit?
I was fortunate to be able to work as a ‘prn’ nurse as my children were growing up. I was the school and activity main contact/support and picked up shifts as my DH’s travel schedule allowed.
I referred to myself as a ‘stay at home mom who worked’.
It doesn’t seem worth it to work just to pay the babysitter, unless you love the work or there’s tremendous potential in the job. I’m not sure what the point is if you don’t even like the job.
That sounds like a lot of change for a second grader. Five school changes and six therapists? Is all of that really necessary?
@busdriver11 It does sound crazy to a parent of typically developing kids. Parents of SN kids will recognize the pattern, especially in the early years when you are figuring out what your child will ‘grow out of’ and what is an actual disability.
As for therapists, yes, it is. He receives occupational therapy, listening therapy and special needs swim instruction to work on sensory issues. He has been treated for anxiety via cognitive behavioral therapy for years (with excellent results). He also has a speech impediment (not a stutter but a kind of halting speech) and he received social skills training. That is outside of school. His IEP also mandates therapies delivered during the school day. Early intervention with kids like S1 is crucial to their success. His profile often cannot find employment. The brains are there but the ability to deal with normal everyday stuff is impaired.
I vote for plan B or C. Unless your income is crucial to the family you should look for work that is fulfilling and restorative and which will keep you in the field in case you decide to return full time down the road. I’ve worked part time as a research scientist since my daughter was born and it’s kept the stress to a minimum. I love working in the lab and am publishing consistently, albeit not at the pace of my fulll time counterparts.
I would also hang on to that babysitter with both hands if she works well with your son and understands his challenges. You need time to yourself to maintain a positive attitude and you won’t enjoy your work or free time if you are worried about your son’s care.
I am also a Ph.D. in a biological science. It’s obviously very difficult for me to step into your shoes, but I would choose plan B without doubts. Perhaps I would try to incorporate some elements of C if the opportunity presents itself and time-allowed, but I would not count on it. Professional work is extremely important for my mental wellbeing, so I can totally see why you are doing this. Good luck!
I freelanced as a writer and copy editor when the girls were small. It gave me a lot of flexibility to be there when they needed me (neither has special needs), but my brain didn’t turn into pudding because I was writing a lot. I do not have an advanced degree (and most of my freelancing was for local newspapers and some national parenting magazines), but some of the nuts and bolts of working from home writing remain similar even on your higher level (I have friend who do technical writing).
The one thing I will say is even if you’re using your PhD for writing, the lack of professional atmosphere from working at home can at times be challenging. Yeah, you’re writing some high end stuff, but you’re in your pajamas and there’s a lollipop stuck on the back of your chair and your kid just barfed on the couch. Some people can shift gears and be ok with it, some people can’t, and there’s no judgment on my part about what you need to be your best mom and human.
I would keep the babysitter if you can because it sounds like she’s as valuable as an emotional pressure release valve for you as she is for helping your son. It takes a village.
The personal fulfillment stuff-eh, when the kids were small sometimes what I wanted and needed just didn’t get to take priority over them. Now that they’re a senior and junior in HS, I’m back in school and I’m finding the switch to making myself a priority is actually good for them, because they’re learning to be more independent and less selfish.
I agree that no matter what you decide you should hold on to the babysitter – she/he is going to be essential for your own well being. You sound like a terrific mother doing everything you can to help your son.
Do you think working at home will be isolating for you? If you are living in NYC it might be less so. When my children were young I did project work at home for my former boss. I felt it was isolating but did it for many years as my H travelled constantly. You have a lot on your plate and might need the break.
It would seem the current situation isn’t working well for your family, so I would rule out option A. Your family’s life does show an uncommon degree of stress and chaos, even for a special needs family-I don’t think there is a second grader in the country who would be ok after 5 school changes in a short time frame. You might want to investigate whether your current employer offers unpaid leave or FMLA options or part-time employment until your family life stabilizes a bit.
I agree with Option B. I used to be in medical publishing (a very long time ago --) and every once in a while I look at those jobs again. It seems to me they are fairly plentiful, especially in NYC. Also seems to me that with your advanced degree, you could negotiate for some number of hours a week in the office and some other hours from home at flexible times.
Sounds like you still want to work but have more time at home with your kids and 9-5 just isn’t working so Plan B or a part-time job seems to fit the bill.
Aspieration - something does have to give and it doesn’t have to be a much needed mother’s sanity. Agree that adding flexibility to your schedule may ease the stress.
Also, whatever you decide, it can be re-assessed as you go. The children are young and getting settled; a front-loaded availability on your part may ultimately lead to more opportunities. The kids’ routines and needed supports are becoming established and while that can be a moving target for any parent, the solid foundation will work for all. Best to your family.
Nothing to add but wish you the best. I had to make choices throughout my life and at one time my secretary was making more than I was for about 3 years when I was in private practice. The kids were young and I needed to get off to pick up the kids from school and handle things at home. Open mind and taking opportunities as they came up worked for me. Things have a way of working themselves out. Priorities are important.
Yes–wishing you the best as you navigate this. When my kids were young, I stopped out to raise them and then went back part time so I could still be available for them, especially after chronic health issues emerged. Staying flexible was very important to our family.
I would agree with the B, and C if possible, consensus. One thing I would add is to make sure that H feels fully included in the process (not to say that he should be the decider). I dropped out of my PhD program and stayed home with our kids while H finished his post doc and went into industry because it seemed impossible (to me at least) to have a reasonable family life and pursue my own career. I thought we were on the same page (he certainly wasn’t volunteering to down shift), but, over time he became more resentful of me not having the same level of financial responsibility for the family. In retrospect, I would have done better to talk the whole thing to death, or maybe even get something in writing. If I had been more vocal about what I was sacrificing, he might have perceived more of a balance in what we both gave up. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a whiner, and he’s not very perceptive. Hoping your H is better at that!
What helped H understand better was when he took 6 weeks of watching S when I went back to my job after maternity leave. He was really happy I was willing to stop out of my law career did our S, as I wanted to do. It was clear to be we couldn’t both work full speed ahead at our careers and have the family life we envisioned.
H was fine with him being the main breadwinner most of our marriage (as was I), tho he was happy when I was able to have part time jobs that helped pay our kids’ college tuitions and other expenses.
Fortunately, those 6 weeks being the caregiver for S opened H’s eyes as to how involved it was and how tiring to watch a little one.
Agree it is good to have a conversation with your H (likely several) to have common understandings about what trade offs are being made for the benefit of the family unit. Use a therapist to help with these conversations as needed.
Yes, H has been encouraging me to find another role. “Whatever makes you happy” is his mantra.
NYC is very well set-up for two working parents. So many enrichment opportunities after school. If we had two S2s we could both lean into the career. S1’s care requires direct involvement. I must constantly monitor his progress and feed it back to all of his therapists. I have to ensure the therapists are not working at cross-purposes. I have to keep the teachers in the loop and provide context if something happens in the classroom that leaves them perplexed.
S1 has made outstanding progress just this year alone. But we have so much more terrain to cover and adolescence to manage. It is daunting. I’m exhausted following 8+ years of juggling kids, work, S1’s issues, covering H’s absence for travel and weekends when he had grants to write. I don’t think being exhausted (overweight, unmotivated to care about things I previously enjoyed like the occasional cultural event or reading the paper) is a good set-up for the coming years.
And I’m not whining here. I love working and it pained me to give up the career. But there was simply no way I was going to add international travel and working even occasional weekends to my plate.
This is the first time in my life that I’m going off script. My big “plan” for my life was effectively blown up when S1’s issues surfaced. I’ve been just “reacting” to S1’s issues and exerting more effort to keep myself "on track"while dealing with them, but I ran myself into the ground.
What I’m finally doing, at long last, is factoring S1’s care into my “plan” for myself and trying to build a healthy, meaningful life around that. As any SN parent will tell you, it is much, much easier to work professionally than to care for a disabled child. I have to fortify myself to be the mom S1 needs. Can’t have it all.
I’m going to be a little bit of a devil’s advocate, here. Just because your S2 is not nearly as demanding of your time or energy, does not mean he doesn’t really, really need it. “International travel” and “working weekends” is not, in my opinion, something that, (and I’m trying to be really careful here) is good for a kid. They need their parents as much as the parents can be there for them.
I know you love working, and I know you had a script, but I see you really suffering from the deviation from it-it might not be a bad thing to talk to someone about how to embrace what your reality is right now and moving forward. It doesn’t mean your giving up your dreams, it just means you’re going to forge new ones. Gotta let the old ones go first, and really let them go without resentment.
You can have it all-you just can’t have it all at the same time. I wish I could reach out and hug you right now because I see that you’re really trying, and really frustrated with so many things.
In your shoes, I would de-prioritize the work behind therapy, exercise, spending quality time with your husband to keep that bond strong (or rebuild it), and getting both kids on track and happy.
The work will always be there-the rest of the stuff might not be someday.
If you can swing it personally and financially, take a break from your job and focus on both of your kids. Perhaps you can volunteer in your field.
It is important to be an advocate for S1 and supportive of S2. As an elementary school teacher, I know how important it is for parents with special needs to be involved. With H’s travel, it must be hard for you to balance it all especially when he is away. I was lucky to work part-time for about 15 years and have been full-time for 5. Now both of my kids are in HS (one a senior and heading to college in the fall, the other a sophomore).
I will echo above, work will be there, but you will not regret the time you spend with your boys. Time flies.