Downshifting career for kids

Parent Cafe
21

I think B or C or some combination or variation thereof is fine – as long as you understand that when your kids are grown, your earning power will be less than it would have been if you had stayed with your previous publishing company (or returned now to a similar position).

I’m a lot older than you, and I don’t have a doctorate. But I have been working for decades as a scientific writer and editor. I downsized my career by choice and because in my time, and in the place where we lived, there were fewer good child care opportunities than there are for you today. (My kids did not have special needs.) I was always able to earn money as a freelancer or in a work-from-home role – and you will earn considerably more because there will be projects available to you, with your qualifications, that would not have been available to me. But as a freelancer or part-timer, you are unlikely to develop skills that would prepare you for higher-level management roles. You’ll do interesting work, but you won’t progress on a career path.

Freelancers and work-from-home people do projects. They do not, typically, manage and coordinate the work of groups. And this is a limitation. For me, the limitation mostly affected earning potential. I didn’t have any particular desire to be a manager. For you, there might also be resentment because you have been in a management role and perhaps you like it.

Fast-forward a couple of decades, and you’ll probably find yourself doing the sort of thing I’m doing now (although with more pay thanks to your PhD) – working on individual projects at a full-time job under the supervision of someone a generation younger than you, who makes at least 50 percent more than you do – possibly 100 percent more.

For me this was OK. It may be OK with you, too. You have conflicting priorities to juggle, and the compromise may seem perfectly reasonable. But make sure that it’s OK with your husband, too. It’s not OK with mine. My choices were OK with him when the kids were young, but he either didn’t see or didn’t believe the long-term consequences that I knew were coming at the other end of the parenting trail. Now he resents me because I don’t pull my weight in the family financially.

So I think you and your husband need to make a joint decision – with your eyes wide open to what’s likely to happen in the future. Also (although this would have been unthinkable in my time), perhaps your conversation needs to include the possibility that he, rather than you, would downsize his career. Who knows? He might be interested in that option.

22

@MotherOfDragons Yes, absolutely. Part of my motivation here is to give more TLC to S2. It is very had to be S1’s brother and this year S2 has started realizing his brother is very different than other kids. Neither H nor I have sn siblings so we can’t begin to fathom what life is like for S2.

S2 needs to know that we get that he has to deal with lot of emotions and frustrations. We need to let him vent. We need to answer his questions. We also need to make sure he gets some protection from the stress and can enjoy normal kid stuff. All of these things are on my mind.

23

Pretty much all parents need to alter in some way the script for their lives when children arrive. Children are unpredictable and what seems certain at one age can change dramatically. You may want to consider, candidly, that things are likely to get harder in the future. Most parents find the teen years far more challenging than the elementary school stage, whether special needs or not.

24

I agree with @MotherOfDragons and @firstwavemom

Would you consider homeschooling your DS1? Or both of your sons? I understand you need the professional support you are getting from those who are working with ds1, but since you say your son has had multiple school changes, maybe having him home for a year or two (or longer) would benefit him. It wouldn’t have to be forever. I was an “accidental” homeschooler for six and a half years, and it was a wonderful experience for us. I’m not a PhD, but I gave up working to homeschool. I don’t know what homeschooling is like in the area where you are (how prevalent it is, how much support there is, how regulated it is), but in our area, parents with science skills are in high demand for teaching in co-ops and/or running small group high school level classes. Perhaps you could use your skills in a way that would help your ds, help others, and be rewarding at the same time.

25

@Hoggirl, although I’ve known families that have homeschooled happily and successfully, I cringe at the thought of a typically developing child and a child with special needs being homeschooled together.

I would think that the typically developing child would benefit greatly from going to a regular school and spending time with his peers, rather than being taught at home, where his only “classmate” would be the special needs child.

26

Siblings of special needs siblings often need a LOT more parent attention than assumed. Tons of literature to support this.

Find something where you can give S1 what he needs, and give S2 what he needs. You may find that the time involved for each is about the same.

What does you H do to interface with all of the therapists for S1? He heeds time for that too.

I do agree…your current child care provider should be kept…if possible.

27

I’ve been where OP is – one neurotypical kid and one with learning disorders – and I stepped away from my broadcasting career to homeschool. This is my reality ~20 years later. My former coworkers are still with the union making ~$90k/year or more. Although I’ve worked part-time in the media, the jobs I’m being offered are entry level and the gross is less than what I was making when I quit working full-time. Saying the work will always be there is a nice sentiment, but I don’t believe it’s the reality for most women, especially not those of us closing in on the far side of 50.

I’m one of the fortunate ones. I have a supportive husband. We can afford the time and money for me to return to school to earn my master’s. We’ve kept our expenses low so anything I earn can be rolled over for college tuition and retirement. But I’m not where I would have been had I continued working.

I don’t regret homeschooling. My children have done well and will both likely get their bachelor’s from solid state schools. But if I had remained employed there are things we could have provided (educational opportunities such as private school, tutors, study abroad, etc.) that we couldn’t afford. My children might have had an opportunity for more merit aid had we been in a position to hire people to share the load.

I know women who downshifted their careers and later divorced. All of a sudden they had no retirement, no up-to-date job skills, and an ex who didn’t necessarily want to contribute much to their kids’ college education. Your priority needs to be you. Where do you want to be in 20 years? If you’re divorced, how will you pay for college and fund your retirement? I have a daughter. If she has children, my advice to her will be to mine every resource she has, but not to give up her career.

28

@austinmshauri I could not agree more! Also, some jobs require more up-to-date skills and knowledge than others, so major retraining would be necessary even after several years. I always try to hire people who have been unemployed due to downsizing, layoffs, health issues, family circumstances etc. I took my chances with several of them, and today they are amongst the most dedicated, loyal and hard-working members of my team, So yes, it is possible, but it took them about a year to get up to speed, and many hiring managers simply don’t have the luxury to wait this long, especially when they have choices

Another thing to consider is life insurance and, even more importantly, long-term disability insurance for the breadwinner. I remember being very anxious during the years when I could not support the family with my salary alone if anything happened to my husband.

29

“Whatever works for you” by your DH is a dodge (and it may well be totally unintentional on his part) to how he REALLY feels (or may feel in the future). Please, please explore this with him. There are consequences for all of you in these scenarios. This decision has long-term implications – including those you don’t even know will be a consideration – and the more honesty about what going to Plan B or C may really cost, the better.

That said, I totally agree that you have the right idea in finding a better balance for your family and in being the kind of parent each of your kids needs. OTOH, I wouldn’t home school. S1’s teachers have a different relationship with him than you do, and that is a GOOD thing. You seem to have good supports in place for S1, and S2 needs the normalcy of classmates, activities, etc. In addition, working from home and home schooling is a sure recipe for burnout on your part. Put on your oxygen mask first.

Our kids are 15 mo apart, we have no family in the area, and both had some issues that required lots of parental and professional intervention. DH works 70 hours a week, plus spends two hours a day commuting. When S2 was 20 months, I went to a smaller company which was very flexible. Worked FT til they were out of day care, PT when they were in elem school, and was home FT part of the time with health issues. The price for the flexibility was that I was paid well below market, but I wanted to remain in the game at some level and make some economic contribution. But, with my unexpected long-term medical issues, diving back in is not possible. DH is unhappy with being the sole provider and massively resentful of me, with an intensity I could not have foreseen, and even though he was onboard with the decision at the time.

I’m saddened that other couples have struggled with the long-term earnings disparity years after the decision was made to downshift. I was feeling pretty alone wrestling with this dynamic.

And if your DH doesn’t want to go to therapy with you to hash out some of these issues and develop a roadmap, go yourself. When you’ve downshifted to be more available with the kids, it’s easy to want them to be successful in order to justify your sacrifices. Not fair to the kids, not fair to you.

And re: insurance – if you don’t have it, get it for both of you. If something happened to you or DH, the supports you have in place will be costly to maintain/replicate. Am thankful I got a large policy when I was 31, as I became uninsurable at 41 when my kids were 10 & 11.

30

Great feedback.

My thinking now is “tinker.”

Can I negotiate some flextime with my boss? I currently work 8-4, could I work 7-3 for the summer (and hopefully keep the hours in the fall)? That would give me more time with the kids.

Could I work out in the mornings? H is a “free babysitter” till it is time to take them to school. Even 30 mins would be a start. We live across the street from a gorgeous park.

Could I look for jobs internally? Something that utilized my skills?

Could look for a remote position “in the background” (rather than urgently).

Finally, can I find more opportunities for S1 and S2 to spend time with grandparents? Even grocery shopping without kids would be heavenly.

Again - thanks for the feedback. Great points all.

31

When my kids were young I worked 20 hours a week. The job wasn’t really what I wanted, but I liked my boss and she was flexible and understood that the kids came first. I quit and started freelancing when my babysitting situation fell apart. Slowly built up a practice as a solo practitioner doing exactly what I wanted to do. My kids always took priority over my career, but I never gave up the career either. No regrets.

Ironically, my job skills are such that being a solo practitioner is no problem, working for someone else would be.

32

I see the beginnings of a very good idea here. But grandparents might feel overwhelmed trying to meet the needs of two such different children simultaneously (especially if they didn’t raise any special needs children themselves or if they’re slowing down physically).

What about asking the grandparents to spend more time with the kids, one kid at a time? That gives you some one-on-one time with the other child, which is something that may have been in short supply.

33

I think you have some good ideas here. I have a friend with a SN child and she ends her workday in the middle of the afternoon so she can be with him for some of his therapy.

The early morning exercise will be really good for the mind. Can you start walking the last couple of blocks to work now?

34

Lots of good suggestions.

I’ll toss in my two cents re: the possibility of mid-life divorce when the kids are in HS or college. It can be a tough time for the best of marriages, questioning past decisions and questioning the future, with unanticipated resentments popping up.

We’ve seen enough divorces among our peers (we are in our early 50s) to realize it’ can happen to “the best of them”. Some of the hardest ones to watch are those where the wife gave up so much to take care of a special needs child or mentally ill child and the marriage doesn’t survive.

It sounds like you already recognize the potential for stress and exhaustion, and the importance of your career.

Good luck to you!

35

I’m going to comment on what @Midwest67 posted. One of the things “they don’t tell you” when you are the female half of a power couple (pre-kids) is that your instinct to nurture will align with his instinct to keep climbing.

Looking back over almost 11 years of marriage, I’ve provided tremendous support to H’s career. I’ve read grants and papers, listened through and advised how to navigate work situations, leveraged my network (leading to a plum job in one case!), plus covered childcare for countless weekends, evenings and months worth of conference travel (he travels about 5 days per month, sometimes up to 2 weeks per month, and literally all over the world, so factor in jet lag even after he is ‘back’) and served as the default parent for teachers, babysitters, coaches, therapists, doctors etc. It’s a very common storyline, isn’t it?

So here we are in the middle of it and I’m trying be loving and supportive, but also strategic. But the fact is that especially with an SN child like S1 (who maybe will be a research professor, or many live in a group home) I feel that being too strategic is a kind of betrayal of my duties. And the fact that H does not feel the same (and without hesitation will attend back to back conferences in those hectic few weeks at the beginning of the school year, or miss a birthday) is too bad, but outside my control - it is just a fact of my reality, like having an sn child.

Sorry to go kind of dark here but these are tough things to explore, even inside one’s own head.

36

Reading your last post, I get the idea that you view your husband’s choices as simply one of the realities of life over which you have no control – like your son’s disability or the state of today’s weather or the outcome of the presidential election.

I had the same sort of experience in my marriage.

But looking back, I think things would have worked out better if we had talked more and brainstormed together on possible solutions to family issues. We would have been much more effective parents and spouses if we had been real partners in this way.

We might have (in fact, I think it is very likely that we would have) ended up making the same major life and career choices that we made anyway. But doing it as partners, and taking into account both partners’ feelings, would have made a huge difference.

37

You are receiving some great advice here. I was in a similar situation, and often think of the “what if?” scenarios, and would have found it helpful at the time to learn the experiences of others (my decisions were pre-Internet!). I gave up my career (six figures at the time) to stay home when my son was born (rare skeletal disorder that required multiple surgeries over many years). He also has ADD. His younger brother is on the opposite spectrum - highly gifted and loves learning. I homeschooled my two sons from grades K-6 (together, which was challenging!) through a charter school where they attended classes two days per week, so that I had a break to exercise, run errands, etc. I found a wonderful arts charter school for grades 7-12 that met both their needs. When my youngest was in grade 7 I went back to school for my master’s degree online, and when he was in 9th grade I went back to work full-time. I am still not back to my pre-kids salary, but I am getting there. It is helpful having a second income now that the oldest is a freshman in college (we will have two in college next year) and the master’s was a good transition back to work for me. Looking back, it would have been ideal to have worked part-time through those years, even the two days per week. This is easier now with more remote work than what was available back then. I do not regret downshifting to spend the time with my sons to give them the attention and support they needed, but going back to work has not been the easiest transition after such a long absence. Luckily husband is very supportive (happy wife, happy life!).

38

Great feedback. I think it is time to have that conversation with H.

39

Your husband doesn’t need to do everything, but there may be some things that make sense. I started having dh take the occassional morning off for dh to take the kids the doctors - so he’d actually have some familiarity with who they were if nothing else. For a while I also took classes on Saturdays and he took care of the kids so I could do my thing. I also often met clients in the evenings or on weekends and since I was self employed could just not work when the kids had to take priority. Obviously plenty of people do it, but it is not easy to have two parents doing full blast careers.

40

It makes sense for your H to check with you and talk with you before making travel plans that will make him MORE unavailable during times when you and the family need him as well. It is probably best for this to be a SERIES of conversations, not just ONE big conversation that will be pushed into the background as life takes over for both of you.