Drama queen MIL wants to attend son's graduation

Parent Cafe
1

My MIL has narcissistic and borderline personality disorders. I cannot, nor will I attempt to, demonstrate the height, depth and breadth of her drama in this post, but you can assume that I have many, many examples, or I would not be posting this.

She has never attended any of her grandkids’ milestones, but now that she is a friendless widow, she has decided she’d like to attend our son’s college graduation this May. I do not want her there, but cannot, in good conscience, deny her the right to attend. She is his grandmother, after all. And she is, indeed, very lonely.

My concerns are seventy-fold, but I will outline only a few of them here. 1. We have rented an AirBnb for all of us to stay in. She would have to share a room. 2. She has repeatedly said that she wants to visit us because she needs some attention, and her reason for not attending prior ceremonies/rites of passage is that those events were not about her. 3. She has weepy, dramatic outbursts any time she feels slighted, (the waiter served her last, for example) or left out (people at the table are engaged in animated conversation that is not about her) or stressed (all the time, because of her bad financial situation).

My husband says he will remind her that this occasion is to celebrate our son’s achievement and that it is not about her. I do not think this will help. If she had a self-control muscle, she would have employed it on previous occasions.

I am so anxious that I am dreading this whole thing. I actually had to take a short vacation after we helped her move in February because I was so exhausted from holding my tongue and trying to smooth over bad situations (e.g., leaving a giant tip for the Japanese waitress whose accent she mocked to her face and ignoring her for heaping abuse on me when I ordered my lunch from a food truck frequented by Mexican laborers.)

My husband gets that she is troubled, but because she is his mother, this is something he is used to, so doesn’t experience the full horror of it as keenly as I do. He mostly just ignores her when she rages or weeps, a coping mechanism that served him well in childhood.

Any words of wisdom? If not, thanks for letting me vent here!

2

Can you copy your husband? – that is, just ignore her? Easier said than done, I know.

3

Normally, this is what I do, but there will be others staying at the AirBnb with us and we are the hosts. I don’t think it’s fair to subject them to her tantrums. And really, a person having a fit brings drama and nastiness to the entire situation. Who wants that at what should be a pleasant family occasion?

4

It sounds like if your MIL attends the graduation it will ruin the entire event for you - and possibly the rest of the family. There is no way that I would want her there.

Can you invite her to visit at a different time when she can be the “center of attention” for the visit, rather than coming to an event where it is likely that she will have several outbursts? If she has said that she wants to visit because she wants attention and she is lonely, I would think a weekend visit where she is the focus would be preferable to her…

5

I think you should give her her own room and make a big deal out of it. If it means one of your kids has to sleep in the living room, so be it.

Let your husband deal with her, sit next to her at meals, drive with her. His mother, his problem.

6

Maybe you can put her in a hotel. That will give her own room and the rest in the group get some break from her,

7

We had a family dinner NOT on graduation weekend…for one of our kids. It worked out perfectly. We celebrated the graduation but not on graduation weekend. Is there any way you could do that?

8

Who is paying for her to travel there? If her financial situation stresses her out can she really afford to go? I would make sure she understood she needs to pay her own way. Maybe she will choose to not come.

And, if it is within driving distance, then she gets to stay at home and drive there the day of graduation.

9

When my husband and his four siblings traveled to Colorado last month to say goodbye to their mother, the sister with similar issues to your MIL was told she couldn’t stay at the same location as the other siblings. She stayed in a rented room at the nursing facility where my MIL lived. It worked out pretty well. When we could tell she was about to melt down, one of us would escort her out until she was doing better.

I really don’t think it’s wise for your MIL to stay with everyone else. If she doesn’t like that condition, she doesn’t have to come at all.

10

How many other people will be in the Airbnb? It’s nice that your husband can just ignore his mom, but it sounds like she’s sure to make everyone else miserable. If those other people are contributing to the cost of the accommodations they should not have to put up with her.

Also, some colleges limit the number of tickets to the actual ceremony. Can your DS “not be able to get enough” tickets? That might be an easy out.

11

Not your circus, not your monkey. Let her son deal with her and you concentrate on your son.

12

^^^^ it is the OP’s circus and her monkey because she has to put up with the MIL’s misbehavior in the close quarters of the Airbnb and at any group meals.

OP, could you get your H to room with his mom in a motel and leave the Airbnb for everyone else?

13

Does your husband want her there? What are his feelings? Is this something that you woild argue about if you told him your feelings? Does your son want her there? I think a decision like this needs to be a family one.

If your DH and son don’t want her there, then you will probably need to come up with some excuse why that weekend won’t work and do another one. She’s a mental case anyway, so I wouldn’t worry about hurt feelings.

If it’s inportant to DH and/or your son, then you need to tell them about your anxiety over this and you need to come up with a solution on his and who is going to deal with her.

14

Tell her she is welcome to come but she has to make her own travel arrangements. Pay for her own transportation, hotel and food. If she is anything like my narcissistic M, she will find a reason why she now can’t go (which will be anything but the truth (that she wants to be catered to by you doing all the planning and footing the bill). Took me years to figure this out with my M. But my life is much happier since I did.

15

Will other siblings of your husband’s be there? We have a family rule that some other sibling needs to manage MIL at these family events…so the parents can actually enjoy the event.

16

Hotel, hotel, hotel - if it’s possible to find a room for her this close to graduation. Are you at capacity for your Airbnb reservation? Hosts set limits, and if you’ve reached it, that’s an excellent explanation for why she can’t stay with you. The graduation ticket limit is another good reason you might not be able to accommodate her.

I would fight hard to keep your MIL from attending if it means an important occasion will be spoiled for everyone else. I have dealt with a similar issue for 40 years, having a husband who was relieved to use me as a buffer between him and his mother, and I know what you’re up against.

Even 80-something narcissists should have to face the consequences of their actions.

17

My late MIL was a similarly difficult, toxic, lonely woman. DH and I tried the approach of him dealing with her so I wouldn’t have to, but it ended up giving her the airtime – his undivided attention, no less than her due! When my father died, MIL approached us with the plan that my mother and I drive together for the funeral and burial while she drive with DH and our sons. DH stopped that one dead in its tracks. He started focusing much less on her and more on everyone in general during her visits. This may or may not work depending on the personality involved.

18

I’d go with the limited tickets. In reality, we could have 4.

My hunch is the MIL is expecting a fun weekend, with travel, hotel, and meals included. The graduation is the afterthought. Do what you can to not have her come.

19

IMO this one is pretty easy. You don’t have enough tickets. If she says she’ll come but skip the graduation, you don’t have enough room and the entire area is sold out.

I’ve started telling my difficult relative, “that just doesn’t work for me. Another time will be better.” The first time she was flabbergasted and tried to argue, but now she accepts it. I think she’s worried the next step is no invitations at all. I should have done this years and years ago.

20

Have you already invited her?

If not, I wouldn’t.