The way I read it, she invited herself?
We told my parents that they could come for my daughter’s graduation but that honestly other than the 2 hour ceremony it was going to be a busy weekend of us packing up and cleaning her apartment and her saying goodbye to her college friends and they’d get a better visit if they came a couple of weeks later (we don’t live in the same state as them and our daughter’s college is in a 3rd location entirely). I don’t know if your MIL lives in your town but if not, maybe you could go with a similar angle… offer a visit at a less emotionally-charged time.
In any case, I don’t think it should be your responsibility to put her up in your airbnb if she’s made last minute plans to join you. She can book a hotel.
If she invited herself, I agree with other posters - tell her there is no ticket for her, or if that fails, she needs to make her own arrangements.
We did not invite anyone to my elder daughter’s graduation (in a city within a day’s drive for us, but generally inconvenient to reach).
I wanted to enjoy the time as an immediate family, and of course the graduate will also want to spend the last hours with the college cohort, rather than relatives.
As most of us know, graduation accommodations and a place for a celebratory dinner are hard to find, expensive, etc. and I just didn’t want making arrangements for others the focus of the occasion.
I didn’t let difficult family attend my kids ceremonies. I said we’d do a dinner or party afterwards that would be so much more fun.
My slightly/mostly estranged mother has taken it upon herself to start contacting my kids’ high school to find out when they are having performances that my daughters are in :-L. Not cool. I bought the nutter a ticket to one of two shows that is coming up next weekend but she had already bought herself a ticket for BOTH nights before I could offer her the one I got her. So that means I can’t invite my brother to one of the shows because he is totally estranged from her. Lovely situation.
So I get the stress and drama that you are trying to avoid. I would not invite her. You really don’t have to, unless your husband insists. Just say no!
Is your husband willing to be the full time caretaker and babysitter for your MIL ? I think your Husband is key here.
If you know you can count on him to give 150 percent without grumbling, complaining, or walking away and dumping it back on you, you have the slightest hope of getting to celebrate your son.
Honestly, his ability to tune her out is probably going to backfire. You will end up directing him to handle her, which defeats the main goal.
I would NOT put her up in your Airbnb. “There is not extra room, we are at our Max number allowed to occupy this space.” Maybe Husband could stay with her at a hotel or a different Airbnb? Is there another sibling of Husband, or a paid caretaker who could do the job of companion to MIL?
Is there a limit on tickets to the actual grad ceremony? Or could you pretend there is?
I think this is a bad idea that should be nixed. Figure out alternative. Bring son and his graduation cap and gown to MIL and have a fancy dinner. Give her all the attention for that night.
Someone who has ignored all the other occasions does not have rhe right to ruin rhis one. Consider “separate but equal” kind of celebration for son and his grandmother.
Best of luck having honest conversation with your H.
If it’s an outdoor ceremony, it may well be HOT. If it’s in a stadium/open air situation, it may be a long walk from parking to the site. (IIRC, HoggMom had a similar situation last year and there were many thoughtful ideas there, too.)
We never considered inviting anyone else. Too long and boring for anyone else to spend the time and $$, and we were generally there to also pack up the dorm at the same time, so it was very much a utilitarian trip vs a fun one. We were lucky DH was able to get to S1’s graduation since I was not able to do so.
A successful strategy for me:
"It doesn’t work for you to visit then. Of course we want to see you. A family reunion would be wonderful. Why don’t you plan it at your house? Or a vacation spot? "
It took having grandchildren for me to realize I didn’t have to be responsible for all the extended family get togethers. Because grandchildren finally made it impossible for me to spread my attention any further, and the difficult guests weren’t as important to me as my grandchildren.
The day of DSs actual graduation, it was torrential rain…and cold. Getting from place to place was really complicated…shuttle buses were jammed full because folks just didn’t want to walk in the rain. We alllooked like drowned rats in the pictures.
OTOH, the recital weekend…it was just our big family celebrating. And it was great. That was our special family celebration.
Will your mother (the other grandmother) be there? If so…it will be awkward not to invite MIL.
First, I’m terribly sorry you’re in this position and have such an unhealthy, difficult MIL.
My first priority would be my son and his celebration. If it’s not too late, I would tell MIL that there is nowhere for her to stay (airbnb is full) and that there are no extra tickets for the graduation whether it’s true or not so coming out wouldn’t really work. Second, I would further tell her that the weekend will be very busy, all focused on your son (not sure if she has any mobility issues, etc that would serve as a decent reason why it would be tough for her). Then, not sure if she lives nearby or not, but, at the same time offer to come visit and focus on her and anything she’d like to do/get done, etc.
We try to keep things pretty “equal” with our kids and, when the first graduation came and none of the grandparents/aunts/uncles indicated they wanted to attend, we were quite happy to have our nuclear family celebrate with our kid and their friends, families etc. When our last D was graduating, an aunt had recently retired and said she’d like to attend (cross country). While the aunt is a very nice person, D doesn’t really know her very well and we all agreed that it wasn’t really something we, including the graduate, wanted. We very politely told her there wasn’t room in the airbnb (true) and we didn’t have an extra ticket for her (also true) and she let it go. We did tell her she was welcome to visit us any time and she and her H are coming up next month.
Again, I would really be thinking about my son and wanting him to have a special, drama-free weekend. It sounds like no matter what challenge it might be to get her to not attend, I would do my best to figure out a way so it remains HIS weekend.
What a pain to deal with difficult kin. I would keep it simple and ask your son who he would love to have in attendance. It’s his day. You aren’t responsible for anyone’s behavior but your own.
True that you can only control your own behavior but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate your MIL ‘s behavior which may spoil the occasion for everyone else.
Just say no.
I have difficult inlaws, although not as dramatically so as OP. I agree that MIL has a right to to be at grandson’s occasion. My DH specifically told my inlaws that they were not to come, and made it stick by highlighting the totally boring, busy, walk-intensive events. They hate sitting, and they hate walking. Some thoughts:
- Prep the other guests -- "mom is coming, and she can be emotional and difficult. I just wanted you to know" to lessen your embarassment and stress. The other people know her behavior is not your doing, and most adults can weather anything in limited quantities. My MIL unexepctedly bonded with my parents' friend at another graduation, who knew?
- send her a detailed schedule, now. Let her see what will be going on, and make it very not-her centric. Give her an out by apologizing for the lack of time to just sit and talk to her
- get YOURSELF a hotel room. If it comes to that, you can stay apart, and DH can cope with mom. Be sure to give yourself time alone to breathe and cope (this is my own go-to. You can only hold your tongue so long)
Remember that she is lonely, and dysfunctional, and it’s just one weekend. Graduation is a big deal, but only just one occasion in a long life full of wonderful days. She won’t ruin it. She will undoubtedly make it not as you’d like, but worrying now won’t change anything then.
Thanks so much, all, for responding! Lots of great ideas. I also had a great talk with my SIL about this today, and she said some of the same things you are saying, specifically, to tell her to get her own room, and to let my husband deal with her.
To clarify, we are all flying to this thing. No one lives there. Grad tickets are unlimited. My mother is coming, so no way not to let MIL come. We are paying for the AirBnb and for both mothers’ tickets. We would pay for MIL’s accommodation because that only seems right, since we are paying for my mom’s.
She probably does look at this as a fun outing, but DH will tell her that apart from the graduation dinner at a restaurant, I am doing all the cooking at our AirBnb, so no fancy expensive meals (she loves to be treated to those). I love cooking and it’s cheaper to do it at the cottage. I’ve already located what looks to be a good market near where we are staying.
We will also tell her that while we are paying, she will have to find her own place to stay (she’s ok with computers) and give her the address of ours. We are 40 minutes from the college, because that is the closest large accommodation we could find. She will need to be driven, so should be able to find a one person hotel or AirBnb near us.
Those of you with toxic narcissists of your own, it’s obvious that you really get this! I could hear echoes of my MIL in all of your posts.
Now I’m praying for good weather. The last time we picked up our son at school in May, it snowed, hailed, and rained all in the same day. At my daughter’s graduation in 2017 (different state), we had torrential rain and wind!
How does she do getting around physically? Sometimes grandparents want to be part of all the graduation festivities but it can be physically demanding - tons of walking, long ceremonies, even climbing bleachers some places!
Maybe point out to her the difficulties of the day - honestly, graduation ceremonies are overrated to me! Of course I go and “enjoy” but it’s also a very personal and emotional time for the graduate - to me, all should be done to make sure the "GRADUATE is happy and without worries for the day. And I think that goes for the graduates parents too.
I like the idea of family party some other weekend and it’s just too much packing etc and a long ceremony. Some things are for parents only.
The other way is to take a deep breath. And remember that despite her craziness. No MIL equals no H and equals no great S. Turn your anger into gratitude that she exists. Bad and all
Maybe a zen approach and that you can’t control anyone and her behavior speaks for herself. It can only ruin your occasion if you allow it to. It’s hard but the truth.
And Xanax works too.
You mean give the Xanax to the MIL, right? 
I feel for you. I had a MIL, who at times, sucked the air out of the room. That said, a leaf out your husband’s book might be in order “He mostly just ignores her when she rages or weeps, a coping mechanism that served him well in childhood.”
Decide ahead of time that you will implement your H’s strategy. If you need to, put yourself in a situation with her that so that you can practice your H’s technique before the big day. Invite her along to graduation, take a deep breath (or a drink!); remind yourself that you can do this, breathe and enjoy your son’s achievement. By inviting her, you will be your H’s hero and your S will enjoy having his extended family to share the pride!
I’m envious. I wish that I had a relative who could turn every family event into an unforgettable adventure. Cherish your mother-in-law as someday you may want to write a book & you’ll need material.
P.S. If this were a job interview & not a graduation, then my advice would be different.
P.P.S. Also, if she loves being the center of attention, consider getting her a dog.
Another thought: Since she likes to be the center of attention, consider letting her speak in front of your family while at the rental home or at a restaurant. Writing & practicing the speech might keep her occupied while satisfying her need to be liked & respected.
@Publisher Regarding letting MIL speak, LOL that brings back memories of my late MIL’s prepared speeches! She wrote ten-page updates during her breast cancer battle fifteen years ago and made a copy for each of us: DH, DS1, DS2, and me. Then she sat us all down at the dining room table and read it out loud, every word. She did that in different circumstances through the years. At one point on a more innocuous topic, she said she was getting tired, and why didn’t I take over reading to everyone for her?