I am not in agreement with the obligation you are sensing here:
Going with the assumption that she is as disruptive and draining as you have stated, I think welcoming her to some sort of alternative graduation celebration is in order and perfectly a-okay.
Setting a limit by not including her at the actual graduation is not equivalent to not caring about her or cutting her out of your life.
Just as an aside, at a work meeting recently, one of the owners was discussing her daughter’s college graduation. Her daughter is 30, & years have passed since graduation, and the owner is still telling the family story of the drama her own mother created, the tense argument that ensued, and how her daughter was in tears. I guess it was one for the record books.
In the years since, she has handled big family events differently, with the goal of minimizing the likelihood that grandma is able to upend the apple cart on important celebrations.
I agree with MIdwest, and don’t see the obligation to invite her, unless your son wants her there. Does he?
Your mom is coming, but I bet this isn’t her first milestone event. The MIL has passed on them till now. I don’t see the necessity of treating the grandmothers the same in this instance. One has been involved. One hasn’t. And you describe MIL as not only self-centered but rude to others. She insults restaurant staff and heaps abuse on you when you order from a food truck. Why are you including someone who is ugly to others? I get it. Those of us who do the hosting end up including this type of guest, especially when they are family. But they don’t deserve being part of the party, when they spoil it for the other guests. We become bad hosts to our other guests. We can invite the difficult folks by themselves when they don’t spoil an event for others. imho
I agree with your husband on ignoring the behavior, because no amount of fussing or pleading will change it. All we can do is minimize the impact on the rest of our family. And I am just amazed how easy it has gone just calmly to tell the difficult folks “no” and refuse to argue or engage. I told the bystanders I just was too old to deal with it any longer, and just no longer see them as my problem. Huge relief. My husband thought I’d be full of guilt… but no. Just relief.
I am not seeing it as a punishment for the difficult ones, just self-preservation. They can be them, but I get to be me… which includes no longer knowing allowing them to be disruptive to others.
Families are tough. Is there anyone on this thread who DOESN’t have a similar person in their family? There are lots of ways to get around a tough situation with the extreme being not to invite her. But think long and hard about what you are showing your kids. Compassion is tough. So is holding your tongue. When I read your post I can see that this might be a harder thing for you to do than you are able.
BE honest with your graduate and ask him what he wants to do. Making it truly about him rather than about YOU or your MIL will take kindness and patience on everyone’s behalf. You kids will thank you later for including and working with other people who are downright impossible. Families know how to tweak each others weaknesses. Maybe having an outburst is something that you cannot tolerate. Maybe spending time with her is something no one wants to do. That said, she sounds like she is in need ( and lonely). I’d think long and hard before making it about your needs and what you want above what is best for all. Maybe you can take turns hosting her?
^on one hand I agree with what you are writing. On the other hand, I strongly feel this models for our kids that those who misbehave get all the attention and others will go out of their way to accommodate them. And that isn’t a great lesson. imho
Inviting the difficult ones by themselves, when you can focus on them, is compassionate. That is how I’m modeling finally. imho
It’s not like these folks are ever going to be happy anyway. Ruining the party doesn’t make them happy. It just makes everyone else unhappy, too.
I have a difficult brother. He struggles with some serious mental health problems and I just cannot count on him to act “normal”. In addition, what he says and does agitates others in the family and it just fuels a lot of unpleasant drama.
So, he gets treated differently than my other brother. We don’t shut the difficult brother out, but everyone is happier when I get together with him one on one.
OP - Your mil and my father sound like two peas from the same pod. My father wont physically be able to attend DD’s college graduation but we just went through this with her HS graduation. It’s all about him, 100% of the time, and he’s an angry/mean alcoholic.
My $.02 is to put another family member on MIL duty for graduation weekend. My husband’s step mother graciously accepted that role and was a godsend. She and my fil drove my dad to the graduation venue, sat next to him at meal time, and when he started to act out, step mil took him out of the room. It helped me focus on my daughter and the celebration. Without her help, I would have been a bitter, angry, wreck, and I wouldn’t have been able to focus on my daughter.
^Exactly the case with one of my husband’s younger sisters.
She didn’t want her name listed in their mother’s obituary that was published this week. Several relatives commented on the omission when I posted it on Facebook. The ironic thing is that SIL asked for the omission so her name wouldn’t show up online, but now her name shows up even more prominently than if it was included. Maybe I should go back and delete those Facebook posts asking about her?
@Massmomm - I’m sorry. I feel your pain. We went through this last graduation with my fil. Also narcissistic but not dramatic necessarily. Unlike your situation, he had the means to pay to stay at the same hotel we were staying, but booked some flea bag motel elsewhere that was cheaper and farther from campus. Literally, the yelp reviews had multiple mentions of bed bugs. No way could they have rented a car and manage the driving. Didn’t understand the vastness of the campus and the amount of walking it would require and the time limits to get from one venue to another. On and on. I did not want him there at all. I couldn’t stand being around him. But, like you, I felt I could not keep him away, and ds wanted them to attend (mil is a delight). We wound up paying for their hotel room at our hotel and renting a six-person golf cart to get around campus. It was the only way it would work. He still complained a lot. He didn’t “ruin” it for me, but my stress level was through the roof with worry the entire weekend. Worry he would fall, worry about getting where we needed to be on time, worry about what racist comment he would make - he was laughing at many of the the names as they were called out at the diploma ceremony - on ds’s extremely diverse campus. I felt like I was conducting a military campaign at times. I would have enjoyed it much more had he not been there, but I survived. In the end, I’m glad I did it. Two months later he had a massive heart attack and died. Totally unexpected. I’m not trying to lay guilt on you, but when that happened, I was glad I had moved heaven and earth to get it to work for ds’s sake. If your son wants your mil there, I would do what I could do to make it happen. If your son is indifferent, I would be less inclined.
If she gets upset at being “left out,” it’s hard for me to understand how she would be happy being put up in a hotel rather than staying at the Airbnb. Does she know she has to share a room? That might persuade her. I would lay out a schedule as someone else suggested and let her know what the expectations are for the weekend. No speeches.
At one child’s graduation there was a real concern the difficult guest would cause us to miss the ceremony. That guest had caused me to miss another recent family event after deciding it was necessary to find a pharmacy to check blood pressure and then wait an hour to recheck. Blood pressure was normal each time. At graduation we just left the guest standing on the sidewalk. It was one of those multi-day celebrations. Guest was only joining us for first day. Wanted ride to airport at same time as main ceremony. Told us that morning about plans. It worked out. Same guest later caused another family member to miss child’s rehearsal dinner. Not on expected flight. No update. No cell phone. It was a mistake to wait and look for guest in airport. Finally arrived in the early am. Had decided to take advantage of a free ticket by volunteering for a later flight.
I’m positive it is not good modelling for the younger generation to miss their events just because someone is always difficult and predictably disruptive. A real emergency is something else entirely.
My narcissistic mother fought every attempt I made to have her not attend D’s HS graduation.
Not as complicated as an undergrad ceremony long distance but she did her best and managed to ruin the weekend. Her comments, smoking, and self centeredness were awful. The one think that saved the ceremony and after restaurant brunch was that a friend completely took my mother over. There is a lot more to my story but do at least see if you have a kind person who will become your MIL’s BF for the weekend.
I then stupidly invited H’s parents to D’s college graduation and I lost out again. They are nice enough and appropriate but MIL had habits that grate and there was special event that I would have enjoyed but we were back at the hotel with them when it happened. I felt responsible for them and, in the end, their presence contributed nothing to the weekend.
OP, I would not trust her to find a room that is either convenient for you OR within a reasonable budget.
It’s not clear to me whether you have actually told her she can come. If you haven’t, unless your S really, really wants her there, I would tell her that this is not going to be the kind of event she would enjoy and you will invite her for a weekend later in the summer. Your financial arrangements with your mother are none of her business.
Actually, even if you HAVE weakened and told her she could come, I would tell her that you have changed your mind upon further reflection and she will be welcome later in the summer when things can be more to her liking. And not discuss it any further.
Honestly, the thing that would worry me the most would be her racist comments. Imagine the feelings of families who encounter people who make fun of their accent or name at their own child’s college graduation. Talk about destroying graduation for someone!! If you DO allow her to come, you and your H should tell her flat out and to her face that you will not tolerate racist “humor” or insults or in fact ANY kind of comment on race or accents in public OR private spaces, and that if she transgresses your H will immediately remove her from the venue.
@Happytimes2001 , my son is 22 years old. He is no longer a child. I have modeled compassion and self-restraint for him his entire life. The only reason my MIL is still part of my life and my children’s lives, is because they have followed my example.
@SouthernHope , LOL! Read your comment to my D who is visiting us and we both howled.
@Publisher, yes, drama like this does make a good book!
Both my mother and my mother-in-law expressed interest in attending our son’s upcoming graduation, and neither of them are full of drama. Even so, I told them both no! I really want to enjoy the weekend without having to worry about the logistics and other issues that accommodating 2 elderly women would entail, on top of everything else we have to do to get myself, my husband, and our daughter across the country to attend. I wasn’t brutally honest with them, but I did explain that the costs and logistics of having a bigger party, not to mention the burden on me to arrange and manage, was more than I wanted to handle for that weekend. Neither was happy, but they seemed to understand and it never was brought up again. Couldn’t you plead logistical nightmare to get out of it, without having to make it personal?
^that would have never worked with fil. He would have thought he could have handled it. I would have been labeled a big ol’ “B” had I suggested (no matter how politely) that they might want to skip. In fact, I did try this by suggesting they join us at Thanksgiving of ds’s senior year when we went out there. He was going to graduation. There was no way I could stop it, and “helping” them meant I would worry less about them.
Been there, so you’ve my whole-hearted sympathy. I’ve learned that common sense and polite recognition of normal boundaries don’t to apply to our narcissistic parents. We’re all supposed to abide by their expressed expectations and overbearing demands. (And anticipate even their unexpressed expectations and sense of empowered self/entitlement). And if we don’t, we can expect theatrics, anger, and attacks. And if we do, we know said parent (grandparent) will grandstand and “attempt to steal the show” while causing no small amount of fuss and bother for everyone. So I recommend a firm resolve, and a frank discussion, with DH, then DH (with you or not) can tell her “sorry, but that’s not possible”. No travel arrangements, no room at B&B, sorry nope, and then refuse to discuss (no trip for her) any further with her, with “no, sorry” meaning “no, REALLY”.
If you don’t learn to say NO, to enforce NO, then she’ll continue to insert herself and her theatrics into every occasion availed to her. It’s not a matter of this being a “small thing”, you’re reacting to years of her bad behavior and overbearing nature. If you don’t begin to enforce some commonsense boundaries, you’ll soon find her dominating your household with all her demands and expectations, because you can only control your own responses and responding accommodations towards her. Best wishes.
@Massmomm — do we have the same MIL? When we sent out info about our son’s upcoming graduation, she called DH to ask if he was going to ignore her again like he did at our son’s HS graduation. Unbelievable. Then, she rented an Air BnB over an hour away from the venue for the “whole family” and is pissed as hell because we already made our arrangements and no way (in hell) would we stay with his “whole family.” Fortunately, my DH told her right out that this event is not about her, and we will be focusing on our son. If she isn’t there to celebrate our son’s achievement with zero spotlight on her, she might want to reconsider attending. I have learned to ignore her or to laugh uncontrollably at her bizarre outbursts (which infuriates her).
Anyway, not here to post my woes. Just hugs to you. WHERE do these people come from?
@ChoatieMom and @higgins2013 you clearly know what I’m talking about, and for that, I am sorry!
DH called his mother today and told her that she could come only if she made her own travel arrangements, stayed at a place near where we are staying (we have to drive both moms, which is fine, but she needs to be near us for that to happen) and if she fully understood that she would not be the center of attention. She had a meltdown, but then called him back, not to apologize (as you know, narcissists never apologize), but to ask the name of the town where we are staying. Ugh.
In future conversations, DH will also mention that there are many graduates from many nations and that she is to show respect for them. Wish us good luck.
My mil is not a narcissistic, is usually pretty good and has insisted on going to her grandchildren’s college graduations.
She still created drama!
At my nieces (the youngest) she managed to hurt my nieces feelings by announcing that niece didn’t want her there and she was going home. She’s in her 80’s, it was outside and cold. She wasn’t feeling well from all of the commotion and was hungry (my niece is vegan so all of the food and restaurants were vegan ones)!
My sympathies to everyone. Graduation and the festivities are stressful!