While I am touched that my family members want to attend S’s graduation, I can’t imagine why. They are so hideously long and boring, and usually very uncomfortable. We froze to death under a tent at D’s graduation, and the whole thing was heavily guarded because Hillary Clinton was the speaker.
@momofsenior1 Wellesley did limit tickets to 4, but people gave theirs to their classmates if they didn’t have that many attending. An international student gave my D 3 extra tickets so that we had enough.
@Massmomm - maybe your student had to give the extra tickets back? : ) (Just joking…kinda…)
@Massmomm I originally suggested the Xanax for you.
But perhaps the other poster suggesting it for another member of your family is pretty good idea.
Just make sure they are not allergic.
I think your husband needs to make the hotel reservation for his mother. That way, he (you) are in control of the cost and how far it is from your B&B.
I get why the grandmother wants to go. Your entire family is going, you are going to have big fun at family dinners and doing other activities. Maybe you talked too much about other graduations and how much fun they were.
I do want to add. My mom was the original drama queen, but she loved her grandchildren dearly. Sadly, she died several months before the oldest graduated from high school. Yes, having her here would have been a challenge…but she would have been the proudest person in the audience.
If there is any way to include this grandma, and not stress everyone else…I would say…try to do it. Maybe a special graduation dinner with her on another weekend would work.
She won’t be around forever.
I think that it’s really really hard for those of us who only have to deal with normal annoying relatives and not truly mentally ill relatives.
Again my sympathies. And narcissism is something truly hard to deal with.
I’m sorry for those who have to deal with drama for milestones. The stress of having to deal with difficult people at celebratory events can be draining and extra-exhausting. Good luck doing what you can to minimize damage if she insists on attending.
My extended family tends not to attend the graduations of loved ones—they are too far flung and involve flights and lodging and other logistics.
I’d guess this woman is very needy and lonely if she’s chomping to attend this event without having any idea what town the student attended college in!
@ChoatieMom, I’ll pray that you get the answer you wish for
We had added stress/problem of moving DD out of her dorm-apartment same day, keys to be returned at 5 pm. DD had only half-packed, nothing loaded yet into three cars four flights downstairs, to be completely moved-out in 3 hrs after ceremony itself, then three-hour ride home. No hotel. Plan was sandwiches.
We all knew this in advance. Difficult grandma nonetheless insisted/demanded sit-down “nice” restaurant lunch (not an easy request in small town), Expecting to be fetted, but fully aware of situation. She caused a ruckus after ceremony when we noted there really really really wasn’t time for fancy-pants lunch. And verbally attacked us for being “unwelcoming”, even though she knew ground-rules. What an ugly scene, capping-off a truly special accomplishment-day. for us. I cried, of course, because this is how my mother always operates.
College graduations generally speaking aren’t leisurely affairs designed for high-maintenance seniors tagging along because they think they should. “Like an albatross around the neck” couldn’t be more apt.
This isn’t “depriving them of their right” just to be mean. These NPD parents are unjustly depriving us of the simple pleasure of enjoying our children’s milestone graduation, and for us, the relief from college bills. If grandma didn’t significantly contribute to college expenses, then she should not attend. Even if she actually stays at a hotel, why would you think this would be less stress for OP??
Is there going to be live stream of the graduation? (might suggest watching from the comfort of her home)
D graduated in May of last year. There were multiple ceremonies but we all agreed to go to the smaller dept ceremony and reception because 3 days of activities would have been too much for them and me. Two of my siblings really wanted to be there and flew in just for that day. Everyone offered to go to all 3 days of events but since D and I weren’t planning to attend the others that ended that discussion. Had dinner together after the afternoon reception and that was the end of that family gathering. D spent the rest of the weekend enjoying with her college friends.
As the graduation of my only child one afternoon of events (ceremony and reception) followed by dinner was more than enough for me. I personally find them dull but was present for my D’s happiness.
I refused to worry about the drama and just focused on her.
I had the opposite problem. Emailed H’s parents, 3 siblings, and uncle to invite them to D3’s graduation. Usually when I email H’s parents and siblings, I get dead silence. It’s like herding cats with these people! It was a December graduation and tricky for some of them and I really only expected FIL and MIL to come.
But the uncle, who lived only 2 hours or so from D3’s school, answered immediately that he and his girlfriend would love to come and sure enough, MIL and FIL answered that they would come too. We had lots of fun, but did not all stay together.
I have no solutions only an insight.
DD was married last year. All thru their lengthy dating years little oddities would surface about DSIL’s mom. Fast forward, the woman is a text book narcissist. Tried everything in her power to ruin the wedding (including a restraining order against the dad). In the end, she did not attend the event - her own decision.
Prior to this person entering our lives, true mental illness and what it can do to a family dynamic was academic. Then it became real. This woman is nothing like other family members where relationships can be difficult at times. If the OP says her MIL will clearly and with certainty overshadow what should be a happy day for the family, then the answer is simple. She doesn’t get to go. And it is up to the crazy person’s kid to inform their parent of the family decision.
Given the description of this MIL, she will be pissed, raise a ruckus, attempt to command attention - whether she attends or not. Why not at least have a stress free celebration? Then stock up on Kleenex, put the phone on speaker and let the ranting begin when you return.
It would never occur to me to invite any extended family to a college graduation unless there was a party near where they live, or if they were local to the event.
When DS graduated HS, my (80 yr old) parents were standing on the curb, hubs ran off to get the car, and left me with my parents and the two younger sibs…my son was waiting inside for me to come and take pictures like everyone else’s mom, and I could tell he was upset when he came out and found us standing there. Don’t want a repeat of that.
My parents also left my college graduation after my name was called - the letter “C” - why sit through 500 more kids? And went back to my rental house to take a nap. I wandered around in my cap and gown looking for them for awhile, among the other families taking photos, before I turned in my cap and gown and went back to the house and found them. I have no photos of my college graduation, and I was the first in my family to walk in a ceremony they attended (older brothers didn’t bother, and I understood why after that). We were all first gen college. They just didn’t see where their “obligation” continued past seeing me walk across the stage. I don’t want to do that to DS. This day is about your son. Make sure you won’t feel bad about it later.
- Lie ..oh no the college only gives out N tickets (where N= your immediate family) for graduation. See if they livestream the ceremony " but you can watch it "
- Don't enable her..make her do the work. "How are you going to get there? our car is full. You may need to get a hotel to stay in...we are at max capacity where we are staying (do not tell her where). Details are on the college website for times/places and such." Get to the site early and dont' leave room for her. Or have DH wait for her and sit separately from you all.
- Check out outofthefog.net for support
- Do not be a go between for your husband. Tell him your boundaries (She will not be staying with us or in the car with us) and if he wants to do the work let him. Often they rely on the wife to do the "social stuff"
@Gudmom - in my case it was a December graduation and very small and easy to manage. Maybe 40 students and they all got to speak. Only one wore a cap and gown!
@ChoatieMom - I hope grad week goes smoothly for you. I will be strongly discouraging the grands from attending and to be honest, I may have success because I think they recognize that it really is a hard place to visit when you aren’t in good health. I am hoping to bring them up earlier in the week to watch the rehearsal. Then they can watch the actual event on TV at home. Of course, that isn’t much of an option for anyone who has to fly in. I want only a small group at the actual event - but we will see what happens next year. Mostly, I just don’t want to have to be responsible for taking care of anyone that day.
The current plan is to have a big party back at our house later that day and they will be able to attend that with no trouble. Fingers crossed!
Beyond the seven family members and two of our personal friends, none of the rest of the 24 were invited by us. MIL Is making this into a family reunion with ChoatieLT’s graduation as an excuse to get everyone together in NY. Most of DH’s family haven’t seen our son since he was a toddler. This is just about them having a good time in NYC and, oh yes, stopping by for the graduation where MIL and several others are sure to ask our son, once again, if he regrets turning down better colleges now that he is facing his service payback. And just how long is that again?
We’ve been quite firm that all we are doing is pointing them to the academy website for time and logistics. They need to get themselves there and handle all of their own details. We won’t even be trying to sit together. I refuse to herd cats. We are hosting a nice dinner at a restaurant overlooking the Hudson later that evening but, beyond providing directions and time, that’s all the effort we’re putting into it for that side of the family.
@bookreader: Best wishes to your cadet and your family next year.
At the end of the day, I think this is a simple question: Who is this celebration about?
If it’s about MIL, then let her come. Give her center stage, and let all the light shine on her.
But if it’s about your son, then there are no tickets for MIL. She doesn’t get to come, she doesn’t get to be part of the celebration. Find a way to make that happen so your son can have his day-- and so that your husband can have his.
Just a quick PS. Be careful not to make your husband the brunt of your exasperation with his mom. You’ve been married long enough to have a son who is graduating, so I’ll go out on a limb and assume that he doesn’t share his mom’s personality. I’m sure he loves her, but simply doesn’t know how to balance that love for her with the desire to make this about your son.