@bjkmom I would never have married my husband if he were a narcissist.
@ChoatieMom ,you have the right approach. Best of luck and congratulations! And I am not sure who people want serving in our military, if not highly intelligent people who turned down “better” schools to go to West Point!
It sounds like the ship has sailed on inviting her. I think I would confide in a couple of the other attendees that you need them to run interference. You and your husband deserve to enjoy the weekend. If there is another sibling (husband’s sibs) that is not going, I would have your husband ask (beg) if they could offer to host your MIL on the same weekend as a Mother’s Day celebration. If MIL senses it will be about her, she may opt to attend. You could even have the sibling throw out to MIL that she didn’t attend any of the other grandkids’ graduations and really doesn’t want to appear to be playing favorites does she?
We had a code word that was normal enough in conversation that it didnt seem unusual, but unique enough that you could avoid using it otherwise. So when anyone in our family used it, it meant “help- come rescue me and distract XXX!!”. We could also ask f a person needed rescuing, like “hey DH- do you need some XX?? And he’d respond “not right now but check back in a few minutes”. It was a way that our family could work together while not offending the person driving us buggy! Win, win! Try it!
@jym626 LOL! We had a similar strategy when my ILs lived near us and we saw them a lot more. MIL would begin a meltdown, and one of us would mutter under our breath, “Cleanup on aisle 6.” She didn’t notice.
If I felt that we really needed to bail out of a situation, one of us would get a terrible headache.
Massmom, I just wanted to send you hugs because just reading your post stressed me out. I cannot imagine the stress you must be feeling!!! People like this just ruin everything.
Also doing Airbnb for the entire long weekend, near a lake, just as a celebration and family reunion sort of weekend, we all live in different cities and states. There are exes involved but we do OK with that.
I am a just a tiny bit stressed about it but not too much. And I take @thumper1 's story to heart. We lost my mom this year and my dad the last, and they’d both have traveled to be there if they could. I’m glad my mom got to come to family weekend the first year.
If the weather is bad there are only 3 tickets (plus whatever might be wrangled from other students). If it’s nice, we can all go.
(Note to self: email everyone in our group adjust expectations)
Hugs @Massmomm I hope it goes well!
@OHMomof2 , we’ve actually booked a place in Chippewa Lake. It’s too large for the family group that is now attending (our D and her husband can’t come because it’s too close to her due date, and another uncle has family issues) and is rather far from Oberlin, but I’m keeping it because it seems like such a nice break. My mother-in-law has now booked into a hotel a few miles from our Airbnb.
@ChoatieMom
You will find the most happiness in serving a cause greater than your own self-interest
-Sen. John McCain
I love this quote for all of those who follow the call to serve
I don’t agree with the event only being about one person. In this case, several other relatives have been asked (another grandmother, siblings) so I can understand why this grandmother wants to attend too. She’s in the next ring of relatives who want to attend. A wedding is only about the bride and groom until the asked the next ring of relatives, and then the next, and then the next. If this child didn’t want grandparents at the graduation, then don’t invite any.
Sounds like this is working out and reservations for a hotel have been made.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I feel for you. I actually drink a few cocktails when I am in a similar situation. And I’m not a drinker.
Very true. But the question remains, should one be guilted into including a guest who will, with predictability, try to make the event about one person - themselves?
I just want to contribute a bit of support and empathy for the husband (son of MIL) in this scenario. As someone who grew up with a personality-disordered mom, she still has the ability with a look or a tone of voice to induce near panic. The reasonable side of my brain understands that she is behaving inappropriately and can do nothing to hurt me, but this involuntary reaction persists from my childhood when she was all-powerful. Also, in adulthood, I would want to sink into the floor when she acted out in front of my in-laws. I’ve wised up & calmed down quite a lot in the last decade or so, but interacting with her (on the rare occasions I must) is still frightening and draining.
@momofsenior1, your dad and my dad should get together, lol. My dad is a recovered alcoholic of 35 years but he’s always been, ever since I can remember, a narcissistic, drama queen curmudgeon. My mom is the polar opposite and everyone loves to be around her. I actually have cousins from my mom’s side of the family who will only come to visit my mom if either I or my sister are there bc they can’t handle the stress of being around my dad, even for a short visit.
@Massmomm, I feel your pain! With narcissists, just be careful, many times if you ask them to behave or refrain from talking about or making certain comments it’s almost like a Pavlov dog drooling when a bell is rung. It reinforces the idea that this is one sure way to get attention if they feel ignored or not in the spotlight. If things get too stressful, feel free to make a “market run” to get a forgotten item for a meal or tell everyone to get out of the kitchen when you’re cooking if mil comes to your Airbnb for visits/meals. Have the others take turns visiting/sitting by mil to keep her company. My dad loves when someone pays attention only to him. Good luck, I hope all goes well.
@privatebanker, I have to deal with my elderly dad often as I do everything for both my parents. And, my mom just returned home from rehab after 2 months, so I’m there daily right now and it’s been even more stressful, ugh! How I wish they sold an OTC, low-dose version of Xanax!
Oh, god, yes. My mother passed away when my first child was five weeks old. I have never regretted the fact that I could be a good mother to my son without my mother’s interference.
HAPPY UPDATE! She has decided not to attend because she doesn’t want to stay in a hotel! I am so relieved! I have to confess that I did feel slightly guilty at not inviting her to share the Airbnb we have rented, but I know that would be dreadful not only for me, but for the others staying there. I don’t know whether my decision not to do this was morally right, but it was definitely practical and kind to the others. My son is fine with this. He loves his grandmother, but is also embarrassed by her bad behavior in public.
\Congratulations Massmomm! Problem solved.
Wow, @Massmom, you’ve won the lottery for sure. Big hugs and congrats to you! 
@Massmomm , terrific! Now you can really enjoy this special occasion!
I’m sure everything will work out much better if MIL can help the new graduate celebrate where she lives and no one has to deal with her many logistics. Yay! Go and have a fabulous time! You all deserve it!