Dramatic Change in My Life

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’ve referenced this on the Diet and Exercise thread, but I need to talk about it more. DH and I (empty nesters) have lived in CT for 23 years. I had a long spell of unemployment, which thankfully recently ended. Unfortunately, the job is in New Jersey – about a two-hour drive each way – so I’m “boarding” with a friend of a friend during the week.</p>

<p>It’s very weird – first of all, for my DH, who is now home alone with the dogs all week. He’s lonely, and seems to really miss me.</p>

<p>It’s also strange for me to be living in someone else’s home. My “landlady” is very nice and we’ve had some lovely conversations, but it’s still someone else’s apartment. While I have my own bedroom and bathroom, it’s her kitchen, her living room, her TV in “my” room, and so forth. So I’m still kind of figuring out how much of her things I should use (Pots and pans? Yes. Mayonnaise? No.) and how comfortable I can be. Again, she’s very nice and we get along, but – it’s weird. I haven’t had a roommate in almost 40 years!</p>

<p>And I miss my DH too, of course. What I also miss, though, is just being around my own “stuff.” Wiping down my own counter in the kitchen, or folding my own laundry while I’m watching the news, or ironing a shirt. During the week, I work, go to the gym two nights, eat dinner, maybe chat with the landlady, read a book and go to bed. I’m getting a good eight hours a night, and reading lots of good books, but – it’s very sterile. Almost like being in a hotel room night after night.</p>

<p>The good news is that I’ve been arriving at work very early – by 7:15 most mornings – and am working until 6:00 or so, so I’m making progress in the job and (so far) impressing management. But, nevertheless, it’s lonely!!</p>

2

<p>Yes, the economy has changed lives for many of us. I moved to California from New Jersey after being laid off, but having been divorced just before that, I don’t have to contend with separation. I find re-establishing myself in my mid-50’s is very slow since a) I’m single so I feel out of step with the married crowd, and b) folks my age seem to be insettled friendships. Even when people are friendly, I still feel like an outsider since I don’t share the others’ history. Nonetheless, I can’t imagine having a commuting marriage. Do you plan to continue indefinately?</p>

3

<p>Probably. My job is very good, but it’s not in a part of the country that we really want to move to. We’ve always assumed that our next move would be to our “retirement” house, which would be either where our children are or to a smaller house in a town near where we are now.</p>

4

<p>VH–it’s sounds like you’re making the best of a difficult situation. I am, as I’ve said,about 10/15 minutes from where you are. If you need a respite, let me know (I’m down in S. Jersey for two weeks, but then I’ll be back.) PM me if you need more details or contact. I’d find this difficult (the shared space, especially), and my H would be at loose ends, for sure.</p>

5

<p>Any chance of telecommuting if management is really impressed with your work ethic?</p>

6

<p>^^Or working only four days a week? It looks like you’re putting in over 40 hours in four days as it is.</p>

7

<p>Not yet. I’ve only been there six weeks. In addition, one of my subordinates would love to do that also (she lives about 50 miles away) and my boss has come out very against the idea of her doing it, so I’m not about to bring it up. I did tell him I’m working at home on Friday, July 2nd, since of course the traffic will be horrible that night. But as a general rule, not yet. I also don’t think my boss’s boss would go for it. They seem to like to have you around all the time.</p>

<p>In addition, I’m not at a level where just “putting in the hours” is sufficient. I’m considered management, so the deal is that I work as long as it takes to get the job done. And, of course, if I can do that in less time than they want me there, I don’t announce that! The reality is that there’s always more to do.</p>

<p>Garland: I will PM you.</p>

8

<p>VeryHappy: I am so very pleased that you have found employment. Maybe it would be preferable to rent a little tiny place of you own eventually. I know it’s an expense, but if you had your own things it would feel more like home.</p>

<p>I commend your commitment to both parts of your life.</p>

9

<p>Or maybe eventually you & DH move somewhere in between?</p>

10

<p>VeryHappy-Thank you so much for posting this. My H went through 6 months of unemployment and happily found a job two hours away from our home. Our youngest will be a senior this year, so we have bought a townhouse for H to live in one hour away. He has an hour + commute four days a week, working 10 hour days so he can have a three day weekend. He comes home on Thursday evenings and returns on Sunday afternoons. We plan to sell our house in a year and move together when S graduates and goes off to college. It feels weird. I know it must be much stranger for him since he is in all the new surroundings and I’m where I’ve been for 16 years. I know plenty of married people, plenty of divorced people, but no one that is living this strange life. I think you have articulated the parts you find to be the most difficult. H seems to just be a little overwhelmed by it all. Your post will give me a good starting point for a conversation about what is hardest and how we might be able to help.</p>

11

<p>If you have a web camera, you can do the video chat with your husband every night. Maybe seeing him will make the distance less than just hearing a voice.</p>

12

<p>Yes, that’s a great idea; get Skype! My son is trying to talk me into getting it for when he’s in Vienna this fall, and he’s managed to convince me that even I might be able to figure it out.</p>

<p>What you’re doing seems very difficult – at least, I would find it so (the last “roommate” I had with whom I wasn’t romantically involved was in 1977!) – and I doubt I’d be adjusting nearly as well as you are. I wish you and your husband the best. And think it’s wonderful that things are going so well on the job itself.</p>

13

<p>Skype is very easy. I used it when mythgirl was in London. Worked like a charm. She liked to show me her purchases and help her match her skirts to her boots.</p>

14

<p>Here’s another thought. If you could find a small affordable apt of your own, maybe H could come visit mid-week with you. (Any neighbor who could walk the dogs? Or bring them along?) Or maybe you could have a regular mid-week hotel? How fun to have an affair with your own H! :)</p>

<p>I’ve always said that I would never divorce because my H is too good at living with all my faults, and I’ve grown accustomed to his! There is no way I would be able to have a new roommate at this point. No matter how well you get along, there are minor irritations - noise when you don’t want it, putting something away in the wrong place, not cleaning the same way, minor infringements on privacy, etc. They add up after awhile.</p>

<p>Congrats on the job, though.</p>

15

<p>VH…congrats on your new job…but I understand how hard this adjustment must be. Maybe you could search around for some things to do after work is done…maybe join a local gym? You’re probably tired but a yoga or gentle swim class might be relaxing. And you might meet some nice folks there. </p>

<p>I like the Skype idea. Plus maybe you and your DH could also set up a mid week “date night”, half-way between…an hour drive for both of you. A cheap dinner maybe. or a picnic in the park (it stays light out late these days). A nice walk - or something more active like kayaking or biking perhaps. Something to look forward to!</p>

<p>Good luck to you…and I hope after you get a year or so under your belt, you can find something closer to home!</p>

16

<p>My H is job hunting and will most likely find something about two hours away since there is nothing in our local job market. He would probably buy a small condo in the city and we would keep both places for at least the next five years. I would probably go there at least some week-ends, so he feels that both places are equally home and we split the commute back and forth between houses. He might rent a room for a few months while he looks for a place, but I can see where that would be uncomfortable on a long-term basis.</p>

<p>S1 is working in Australia and I just Skyped with him this morning. The video aspect is nice. H and I Skyped with each other from two rooms within the same house as we were setting it up to see how it worked. It is very easy.</p>

17

<p>toneranger, thanks; I’ve already joined a gym in New Jersey, and I still have my gym in CT. Going to the gym regularly is a good habit that I don’t want to get out of the habit of!!</p>

<p>Thank you all for the Skype suggestion, but the “issue” – if that’s what it is – isn’t going to be solved by Skype. It’s a sadness at being away from my DH, my house, my things, my dogs, my friends all week long. And a sadness at living a very sterile life during the week.</p>

<p>I’m not sure there’s a solution for this, other than the passage of time and getting into a groove.</p>

18

<p>VH, “sterile” is exactly the descriptor I would use as well. There was a period in our marriage when DH was away for two weeks at a time, coming home only every other weekend. While I was lonely (and a bit overwhelmed by being a working “single” mother), at least I had the comforts of my own surroundings as you say. DH, on the other hand, was in a hotel room night after night, working long hours, grabbing a late dinner alone, and then sitting on a hotel room bed to watch some sports before nodding off. I understand exactly what you describe. </p>

<p>I suspect that you are not employed by a Fortune 100 company because “flexible work arrangements” are all the rage among the large employers. Realizing that employees of both sexes and all age groups now value work/life balance, these employers have decided to embrace flexibility as it improves employee engagement. Work is no longer a “place” where you are employed but rather the set of responsibilities for which you are accountable. “Face time” is no longer de rigueur. </p>

<p>I would hope that once you’ve proven yourself indispensable, it would pay to have a conversation with your manager about how you will be a more committed, more engaged member of his/her team when there is greater harmony between your personal and professional lives. Check out the online publications of the Boston College Center for Work & Family or WFC Resources (workfamily.com). They’ll give you all the ammunition you need to make a case for a compressed work week or telecommuting.</p>

19

<p>Thanks, worrywart. </p>

<p>I think the issue is that my manager is a scared rabbit. He used to have a much bigger job than he currently does and he’s very afraid of looking bad to his bosses. Since I’m working such long hours during the week, I am leaving at 3:30-ish on Fridays, so I can get home at a reasonable time. I feel that that’s the most flexibility I’m going to be able to get, in the short-term.</p>

20

<p>I’m bumping this up because there’s a new turn of events. When did life get so complicated?</p>

<p>I’ve been at this job in NJ for two and a half months now, doing well, impressing my bosses, and endearing myself to my subordinates and peers. I’m doing good things, and there is a lot here that needs fixing. I am pretty sure I can be successful here and have a good run. I’m still paying rent to my landlady, trying to take up a small amount of space in her apartment, watching junk on TV at night (mainly reruns of NCIS, CSI, and Law & Order), working (or, at least, being in the office) around 10 or 11 hours a day, and driving home to see DH and DDogs Friday nights.</p>

<p>Before I took this job – yes, this job that’s two hours away from home – I worked in a consulting assignment for a company that was 14 minutes – yes, that’s 14 minutes – from my home. (Well, to be fair, it sometimes took 18 minutes, depending on traffic.) The woman I worked for at the consulting assignment had the job I would have wanted. She just announced she will be leaving in a few months.</p>

<p>Yipes. What do I do now? The company I’m in is a better company – much bigger, more established, much better known. The local company is – did I mention? – only 14 minutes from my house.</p>

<p>I plan to get in touch with the person to whom the position reports, just to touch base (we’ve kept in touch) and to get information. It’s possible she won’t be interested in me – but I really don’t think that’s likely. </p>

<p>When did life get so complicated??!!</p>