<p>Thanks for the article, alwaysamom - what wonderful young men! </p>
<p>I have tried telling him that by paying for his music lessons we are helping his teachers earn a living, but he is not finding this argument persuasive, because he feels that everyone around here should be living on much less and donating the excess! He’s not trying to impose his principles on everyone else, not even on us, it’s more that he’s despondent about the fact that no one seems to care enough about the poor. This is the way he felt about animals, he couldn’t understand why anyone would, for example, support factory farming or buy a purebred dog.</p>
<p>I know you are not asking for a list of organizations but I can’t help but share this organization. It’s one of those groups that can immediately give aid.</p>
<p>Your son can become a community organizer and someday run for office. On the other hand, you could tell him to start a business, get rich and hire many employees, probably doing more good for poor people than depriving himself of creature comforts because he feels guilty.</p>
<p>NYMomof2 – is it possible that there are other factors involved in his cost-benefit analysis? Maybe he enjoys playing the piano, but is finding the formal lessons less valuable or enjoyable over time. Maybe he is thinking that he could still play in the high school bands without the outside private lessons, and that he would have more time to devote to his studies or other interests. So it may not just be a matter of wanting to do something for the poor --rather, maybe right now he is seeing the cost of private lessons as being a needless luxury in part because he’s not all that excited about continuing the lessons.</p>
<p>If he stopped taking lessons entirely, he wouldn’t forget how to pay the piano. He must be an advanced music student who is fully capable of practicing and learning new pieces on his own. </p>
<p>I’m wondering if he feels boxed in – that is, if he feels that he can’t simply tell you he wants to quit the lessons without disappointing you-- so perhaps he’s hunting around for some other rationalization. His concern about the welfare of the poor is probably very genuine … I’m just wondering whether you are misconstruing the level of “sacrifice” that would take place if the lessons stopped. </p>
<p>Again: don’t confuse the lessons for his enjoyment of music. My d. was a dancer and I paid studio fees for years – when she got into a public arts high school she dropped the ballet studio. Most of the serious dancers at her school continued with outside lessons, but my d never intended to pursue a dance major or dance career – so she was happy to focus her attention on other things, happy with the continued dance training she got at her high school- which was great-- but the more serious dancers at her school were still getting outside lessons. </p>
<p>NYMomof23 and alwaysamom, we really admire what those two young men are doing. My D is going on a trip to Africa this summer, sponsored by their group and her school district. The group helps kids and their families directly by building schools, getting kids into them instead of being workers and then helping improve the villages. When D and her cohort return, they will be speaking at schools around the district to encourage young people to give back. </p>
<p>Your son my find learning about it very encouraging. I think he’s exactly the type of kids they are looking for. Who knows, maybe he will give them a run for their money some day? </p>
<p>D is like your son in that she is very concerned with the plight of people around her. She donates quite a bit of time to helping at church and at an organization that helps low-income children. At 14 she has little money of her own, so she gives time. She plans on becoming a teacher of low-income children, like those she already helps, when she is older. Rather than thinking your son is depressed or has some mental illness, I think he’s one of those people who is so affected by those who struggle that he wants to do something ASAP as much as he can. Teens’ passion to do things is often a catalyst for bigger things, as with the founders of Free the Children.</p>
<p>I think that sentiment is not uncommon. It’s a little hard to get it all sorted out. Especially when you’re a teenager and haven’t had to work to earn anything yet. </p>
<p>The biggest issue for kids like that is they believe that if they throw money at poor people, they will cease to be poor. </p>
<p>Rather than focus on cash, the best thing he can do for himself and others is to get a good education and use it to teach poor people skills to get jobs and personal finance to help them deal with money issues. Or he could start a business that employs those people so they will not only have money, but will gain skills and a feeling of self-worth.</p>
<p>Encourage him to earn enough money (about $35/month) to sponsor a child internationally or in US. </p>
<p>Right after the Columbine shootings, Iike most Coloradan I felt dazed and helpless. The next Sunday there was an opportunity to sponsor a Compassion child . That’s a great organization where you correspond with an intentional child (ours have been in Ethiopia). Much of the monthly fee goes directly to programs, not administration. </p>
<p>Fast forward about 10 years. I learned that DD was secretly sponsoring her own Compassion child using babysitting earnings. Teens have a lot of secrets… but hey, some of them are good secrets </p>
<p>Bill Gates or Michael Bloomberg (and many other wealth business owners) has done more for poor people with their enormous wealth, and, of course, by giving jobs to tens of thousands of people than all the sanctimonious people who talk a good game but at the end of day have accomplished very little. This is what I would tell my kid if he had the type of anxiety your son is experiencing.</p>
<p>While it is admirable that your son has a compassionate streak, this is immature thinking. I hope you educated him that the $45 you are spending on dinner is income to all of the people who worked to make your dinner happen. He needs to understand that if everyone stopped going out to dinner, a lot more people in our own country would need charity care.</p>
<p>To be perfectly candid, if my son told me he was going to stop playing the piano because he felt guilty about all the poor people in the world, I would probably smack him on the head (not literally) for having such dopey thoughts. </p>
<p>Are you talking to me, sax? If so, then yes, most people in society need to have money to provide all the free education, scholarships, etc. that elevate the poor.</p>
<p>calmom, I am very sure that his motivation is not to stop taking lessons. The lessons were not mentioned for quite a while, and I know that that were not on his mind initially. They just came up, as I was afraid they would, as the most conspicuous “consumption” that is made on his behalf. He has not made a serious proposal that he stop, in fact, he said, I know that if I stopped you would not give the money to charity. He loves both his piano and his trumpet teachers, and he really enjoys studying with them.</p>
<p>Your D sounds wonderful, sseamom! I think that my son, like your daughter, is just truly concerned about the less fortunate. He has been very committed to animal rights, and distressed about poor treatment of animals, for several years. </p>
<p>I’ve told him about a spectrum of opportunities to make a difference as an adult, ranging from working for a nonprofit, to using his mind/creativity to find solutions to problems such as low crop yields, to entering a high-earning profession so that he would be able to donate large sums of money. </p>
<p>I will keep talking about the economics of spending money. I think that it would help him to learn more about how economies work. Maybe I can find a good book on this.</p>
<p>He is aware that throwing money at poverty is not the best way to solve the problems, and he is interested in education as a way of enabling people to help themselves, and change their societies. But he is attracted to the idea of well-targeted donations, such as money for cataract surgery.</p>
<p>NYMom, if your S is at all interested, I can PM you the name of D’s school and the foundation that supports it. It’s a public school started in partnership with a foundation which was created by a person who made a windfall at MS. The foundation targets lower income kids and gets them directed into STEM fields, and the school does as well, in addition to other missions. It’s a good example of money=help for those in need but also how much education can empower people.</p>
<p>NYMom-- Your son sounds sensitive and empathic. Since he loves music, would he consider getting involved as some have suggested with programs that enable children and youth in poverty to experience the power of music? This could be done by holding concerts or recitals, with proceeds going to these programs or by volunteering directly with a program. Alternatively, he could donate allowance money or cost savings as others have suggested (e.g., buy less expensive clothes, give the difference to a program). What comes to mind for me are programs like El Sistema, started by Abreu in Venezuela, which has transformed the lives of thousands of children and communities there. <a href=“http://elsistemausa.org/”>http://elsistemausa.org/</a> <a href=“http://elsistemausa.org/el-sistema/u-s-a/”>http://elsistemausa.org/el-sistema/u-s-a/</a> There now are sistema-inspired programs internationally and in the US. There are also many, many programs always in need locally that provide scholarships for children who otherwise would not be able to learn music. For instance, the Young People’s Chorus of New York <a href=“http://www.ypc.org/aboutypc/”>http://www.ypc.org/aboutypc/</a> (or their community chorus) brings together children from diverse communities to learn and perform at high levels. Other programs abound that would appreciate rehearsal support, direct volunteering, or monetary donations toward scholarships. Alternatively, playing for people in hospice settings or shelters would be a way of using his talents and passions in service of others. Of course, people have suggested volunteering or contributing to other causes. Any of these that fit your son’s passions would make sense. I just started with music because it is a passion you mentioned. And, if he decides to go the route of monetary contributions, it might help to have him physically deliver to the organization or in other ways be more involved than saving allowance so that parents can send a check. There is something about interacting with the recipients of the “cause” in some way that makes this more tangible and meaningful. The idea, though, is not to just focus on how much of a difference he can make in the world as an adult after he gets an education, but what can he legitimately do now? This would help broaden his thinking about how to contribute in the world and perhaps reduce his anxiety at realizing his relative privilege in face of overwhelming need. Truly, also those people who are suggesting supporting local businesses are also spot on here. In sum, choose a passion, make it tangible, do it now.He sounds like a great kid. </p>
<p>There are a ton of things high school students can get involved in, but whining and becoming despondent about how his parents choose to spend their money is more than a little silly, imho.</p>
<p>Actingmt-- It may seem silly from an adult, dispassionate vantage point, but some kids go through a phase in which they become acutely aware of the difficulties of the world (especially problems caused by human lack of compassion or cruelty), and they achingly feel a sense of helplessness and responsibility, both. This may be due to temperament type, since there are extremely pragmatic people who do much good in the world without this level of initial disillusion and sometimes without emotional passion/ engagement. Their actions do good, and they don’t think too much already. But some sensitive kids reach a point in which they see the world as it really is, rather than how they wish it to be or how they were taught it was (think our country’s ideals and where we fail to live up to these and expand this universally), and feel sideswiped. Maybe it’s like the adolescent version of the young child’s discovery that Santa Claus and the tooth fairy aren’t real, and neither is the magical universe that would make these possible. These are kids who are poets at heart, and it is not an easy way to be. My post above might well have been titled “Turning Angst into Action”. If you are someone who never experienced adolescent angst, consider yourself very fortunate indeed. I agree with you, though, on the value of positive involvement.</p>
<p>Well, I get it and don’t really disagree with any of your post except to say that if we agree it’s a silly adolescent phase I would try to help him come to terms with reality. And, yeah, I remember when my kids discovered Santa Claus wasn’t real. It was a bad couple of weeks. </p>
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