<p>D2 is home for the whole summer for the first time since she was 7. ( she went to summer camp when she was 8- loved it even though she got the flu and had to come home & has been working recently as a counselor)
She graduated high school in '08, took a year off to travel and finished her first year in college. Most of her high school friends didn’t take a year off- and are involved in classes or programs through their out of state schools for the summer.</p>
<p>She has a friend who lives in town- that she met at the camp- didn’t attend same high school and is a year younger. I know her high school friends much better- something about this particular girl is irritating- she seems young/snobby/shallow- which I realize may just be because she is young.
I have met her parents once & while they seem nice as far as it goes- they probably make 4 x what we do & only have the one child- which IMO they seem to over protect.</p>
<p>I have a vague feeling that if my D2 wasn’t so knockout gorgeous and accomplished and if D1 hadn’t attended the citys top private schools and then an expensive LAC, they wouldn’t have encouraged the friendship- but I could be wrong.</p>
<p>I don’t know her well enough to like her or not but she does irritate me- mainly because of comments I have heard her make about some of their other camp friends & comments about lifestyle.</p>
<p>Probably because most of D’s other friends I just love & also like their parents.</p>
<p>Anyway- D is home this summer because she has to take a cc class- she came home with that " R’s parents are going to CA or HI and want to take her and pay her way"</p>
<p>I was very surprised and while I realize that as an adult she didn’t need my approval or not- I told her that I would talk to her later about it.</p>
<p>I think no matter how much money they make- that is still a big chunk and that doesn’t make me comfortable. I know she is going crazy already being here with her unpredictable work schedule, but I was also hoping I could get her a little more involved in our projects around the house.
I also worry that while she is a very complex person & I admire much about her- if she went on that trip, it would bring out some of the “cosmo girl” behavior that she exhibits sometimes.</p>
<p>I obviously need to talk to the parents more- but damn- why is it that as soon as I start to get a handle on the many issues to juggle something else comes up?</p>
<p>I feel your pain EmeraldK. If the darlings could just stay put for a few summer months, life would be so much easier!</p>
<p>You are smart to be concerned about your DD absorbing some of the materialistic snobbism the girl and her family display. So often the nouveau riche have no grace and tact when it comes to flaunting their lifestyle, and their assumed superiority re: money. It is so sad to see a tacky sense of entitlement extended from parents to children, instead of a sense of social and civic responsibility.</p>
<p>However, I can understand your D’s excitement about the trip. I’ll bet the parents won’t even notice the extra money spent on your daughter, and I do not think you should feel indebted to them in any way if they made the offer. </p>
<p>Could you arrange a deal whereby your D has to donate time to a charity or volunteer in the community for a few hours to balance (and “earn”) the privilege of the trip? Some heart to heart discussion might allow her to resist internalizing her friend’s attitude.</p>
<p>I worry if you demand she not do the trip her resentment could backfire. Maybe seeing the family in action will teach her some lessons, and she could offer alternative views to her friend? Anyway, good luck on the decision, it’s a tough one.</p>
<p>I worry if you demand she not do the trip her resentment could backfire.</p>
<p>This is my concern too- she is already an anxious and stressed person- having very high standards for herself ( and our family)
We are lowish middle income blue collar & I am now getting some of the concern that must have been behind my MIL comment years ago- when I requested that they give the kids savings bonds instead of the uber- expensive toys that the grandparents preferred to give. She asked me & apparently was quite serious " You don’t think they are going to go to college do you?" :rolleyes:</p>
<p>While most of our contact with people with a different educational/income background has been very positive- it is true that there are some who look at the trappings and not the person. Most of D’s friends are very altruistic, she took a gap trip after earning the money virtually herself to spend it volunteering in Tamil Nadu last year for over 4 months. She is very socially aware & has a diverse group of friends- but there is also side of her who enjoys being beautiful & dressing up and while she is very conscious of how much more we have than say - her friends in Ghana, she is also very conscious of how much more stuff some of her friends have & how shiny their cars.
Then again- spending more time with this family may help her decide which is more important to her.</p>
<p>At least I know they are super protective- it would be even worse if they were as laissez faire as a mother of one of my high school friends- who would take her 16 yr old daughter to Maui- but then lock her out of the hotel room so that she could entertain her boyfriend.</p>
<p>I don’t know - it depends. I know some people who have so many airline miles accumulated that getting an extra ticket is really nothing to them. I know some people who have condos in Hi and other places so an extra person staying adds no cost there or the additional person on a hotel room adds a minimal cost at most. They also might realize their D would be more content if a friend came along and this time it’s your D. Maybe this is something they routinely do. I wouldn’t conclude right away that it’s flaunting their wealth since it might just be a genuine invite so ‘they’ can have a more enjoyable time. It’s hard to say without knowing the parents/family/situation better.</p>
<p>EK - the explanation could be very, very prosaic: no flaunting of the riches, just the fact that the parents want to go on vacation, yet (i) their DD does not want to go and be bored to her bones; (ii) they are uncomfortable about leaving her alone at home. However, their DD would go if a friend goes along to keep her company. To the parents, the cost increase will be fairly minimal - just the price of the ticket (or a few thousand frequent fkyer miles) and a few meals here and there (they will be renting a car and a condo/hotel room anyway)…</p>
<p>If you were loaded and wanted to make your D happy by inviting one of her friends on vacation with her, I am sure you would offer it without a thought; your only desire being to make your D happy and make the vacation more enjoyable for all. And, as you say, the parents are protective of their daughter…so for me, there are no negatives here. Your D sounds very well rounded; this trip is unlikely to turn her head.</p>
<p>I agree with Bunsen, Emerald. Your D has finished her first year in college and has traveled extensively around the world. This is just another opportunity for her to see something different. She and your other D have been exposed to many different kinds of families, and that’s a good thing. </p>
<p>The other family probably wants a companion for their D on this trip and is willing to make arrangements for that. I sometimes did that with my D as she was growing up too. It’s a compliment to your D that the other family is willing to have her as their guest.</p>
<p>It seems perfectly normal for your daughter at this age to be attracted by the “bright & shiny things”. Trust in the values you have instilled in her. As long as you feel she will be safe, let her go, wish her a fantastic time, smile and remind her to “remember who she is”.</p>
<p>She may be affected in the short run, but your parenting will win out!</p>
<p>No I don’t mean I think they are flaunting & I agree that it would probably make for a better trip if their D brought a friend along- but if I was going to pick one of D’s friends to bring on our family trip- I would have to say this young lady wouldn’t be in the top 5- if it was up to me…</p>
<p>I have been having trouble with D lately because we are a lot alike- in that neither of us is adept in trying to figure out what the other one expects.</p>
<p>For example- my inlaws have condo time shares- three in Hawaii- our family have never used any of the time- although their other kids have quite a bit & I asked the girls last winter, if they would like to do that in the future but that we had to put our request in, in advance. plus while D2 has been to Hawaii- with a biology trip in school- neither I nor H or D1 has ever been.</p>
<p>D1 let me know her schedule- but D2 didn’t reply at all- although she responded to the email. When I recently asked her about , assuming she didn’t want to go - * with us* she said she assumed that we already booked it- because we * knew* her schedule.
sigh.</p>
<p>I don’t fly often so I forget about airmiles and all that- and I did want D2 to have some sort of relaxing this summer- it has been a hard year for her I know- school was a lot tougher than she anticipated.
Thanks for the thoughts- it doesn’t really help to talk it over with H, because he is of the " unless they are closet Republicians- D2 should get to do what ever she wants"- </p>
<p>I still would feel the need to add her to a trip or event- but - if she was one of several kids- that would be OK and I can always take them down to see D1 with the promise of no sales tax ;)</p>
<p>Your daughter is 2 years out of high school which would make her 20, or near it, I would guess.</p>
<p>I’m trying to say this gently - don’t you think it is time to cut the strings a little bit and let her make the decision on her own? You don’t like the other girl, but that is your issue and not your D’s.</p>
<p>Unless she is asking you for money or something, or it is messing up other family plans or something, why inject yourself into this? Heck, for all you know maybe they are hoping something in your D rubs off on theirs.</p>
<p>The “taking a friend along” is very common here. This is especially true when there is an “only” child involved. When the children are young the “extra” is there so the only will have a companion in the pool. When they are older the “extra” is there so the kid doesn’t have to hang out with Mom and Dad where boredom and tension can explode.</p>
<p>Financial differences and “closet Republicans” aside or outted Republicans, I hope that if your daughter decides to go she has a great time.</p>
<p>We often took a friend along on vacations, many times, actually, since we have 5 Ds. We always paid all expenses, regardless of their family’s financial situation. In fact, that never even entered our minds when we issued the invitations. I can’t imagine inviting someone along on a trip and NOT paying for it. It’s a shame that so many feel that in doing so it means that someone is ‘flaunting their wealth’.</p>
<p>We always took friends for my daughters on our trips, and I suppose some of them could have seemed extravagant to some of my daughters’ friends parents. I don’t know. The girls never socialized with people based on socioeconomic status, more on common interests and sense of humor. Also, while we could afford expensive trips, we still raised our girls in a tradional chore doing, earn your keep type of way.</p>
<p>I really enjoy having these other kids along for the trip and have never once considered ourselves to be doing a favor to anyone but us, which is how we have always phrased it, as in, 'I hope you don’t mind terribly, but we would love to borrow your daughter for a trip to _________. It would be a huge favor to us if she could come along."</p>
<p>A couple of parents who could not reciprocate with that kind of thing provided all sorts of stuff we never could provide without them, like sleepovers which kids can’t actually have without friends, etc…Oh, and on a sidenote, by the time you are going on the trip, if you book airfare in advance, it’s really not much of an extra expense to add another kid. At all.</p>
<p>Anyway, I hope your daughter has a nice trip if she goes along.</p>
<p>And, if you want to, or feel compelled to send/do something you can arrange for your daughter to “treat” for a dinner, send welcome home flowers to their home, or buy a coffee table book featuring the destination for the hosts upon their return…and a note from your daughter is always appreciated.</p>
<p>I have taken kids’ friends on vacations, and for some crazy reason never even considered their looks or where their sibs went to school:) If your DD would like to go… you trust the parents and it’s not a big deal for them, accept.</p>
<p>I think that taking a friend along is a common thing in many areas, it has worked well for us. We have treated other kids and my DDs have been treated by other families. I think it all works out.</p>
<p>I can understand your desire to not promote further closeness if the girl/family seems shallow and you don’t want your DD to buy into their way of life, but at 20 I would suggest letting her learn her own lessons. We know many people with more money than us, but things always seem to work out, we offer different types of trips & adventures.</p>
<p>I sense that some are worrying that I am over protective-
um- probably the opposite- D confided that she after her volunteer project in Tamil Nadu ended last spring-, she traveled around Goa by herself, because she became fed up with her roommate ( from europe & graduated college-- but who was homesick)
D just turned 20 a couple weeks ago.</p>
<p>If I was really over protective, I wouldn’t let her out of the house after that .;)</p>
<p>We have had friends accompany us on trips- we just don’t fly anywhere.
She presented it to me in a way that suggested she wanted my feedback- as you probably already know, sometimes kids do that- when they don’t want to me the one that says no.</p>
<p>But I appreciate the parental perspective, since D2 attended an inner city high school- the socio-economic group wasn’t quite the same as the school that her sister attended-where some kids have bodyguards.</p>
<p>I don’t think there’s any need to reciprocate with this sort of invitation for adult children. My sense of things has been that when kids are college age, then the whole thing about parents meeting and/or getting to know other sets of parents is over. It’s up to your daughter to behave like a gracious young adult if she accepts the invitation (which would include whatever tokens of appreciation she feels appropriate).</p>
