<p>Since D is also on the " spectrum" social cues often go whizzing past & she still needs clarification and guidance-with others expectations.
She never discusses what she thinks in terms of " feelings".</p>
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She has learned a lot, but it is a constant process.</p>
<p>But does your d. want to go traveling with this friend and parents? I don’t mean your d’s take on all the issues you raised in your other posts – I was just responding to your sense that your d. wants you to make a decision. </p>
<p>I’m not taking about the social graces stuff — just whether or not your d. would like to take the trip or not, or whether she’d rather stick around at home over the summer.</p>
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<p>So they are crass nouveau riche, but they got an eye for quality?</p>
<p>Apparently “crass nouveau riche” is ok, but republicans would be a deal-breaker. Interesting outlook from someone who is so “open-minded”.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the replies- but it is threads like these that make the difficulty of communicating through the internets apparent.</p>
<p>I really don’t care if someone is Republican or a creationist or worships at Harrod’s- I only brought that up because my H used to listen to AirAmerica- I should have added a 
I guess.- </p>
<p>Because I have other concerns for this summer- ( like making sure she is up to date on all her medical stuff & gets into the CC class she needs, as well as finds supports for the next school year- she is on academic probation from spring qtr- the class that I advised her to drop because it should have had pre-reqs & she didn’t need the course for her degree-, the prof talked her out of dropping and she failed it) :(</p>
<p>So this hasn’t come up again- I think we are having her friend over this weekend though-</p>
<p>It sounds like the real issue may not be the fact that the other family’s paying for the trip, which many posters here stated they’d not have a problem with, but rather, your comfort factor with this girl being a friend of your D’s and whether it’d be wise to go with that particular girl and maybe the family. If this was some other friend of your D’s and if the cost of the trip weren’t a factor then would you be comfortable with it? If so, then you might want to focus on that aspect and see whether you think there’s a real issue with this girl/family that should prevent the trip remembering that she’s your D’s friend - not yours, and that you’d probably be more focused on safety and undue negative influences on your D. Maybe you can use her visit this weekend to get a better sense of that.</p>
<p>So, your H was the one person who was listening to AirAmerica. ;)</p>
<p>The cost factor and such have been covered by many posters so I won’t repeat it but, like ucsd dad said, it’s more the family and friend that I think you have a problem with. Look at it this way though, you’ve brought your daughter up for 20 years with your morals and expectations, why do you think a vacation with this other family will change everything she’s lived with for 20 years? It may open her horizon a bit, but I would think in both a positive and negative way. She’s going to experience these types of people in her life so it’s not bad for her to get a more intimate view for a better perspective. </p>
<p>It’s not a safety issue, you’ve already stated that, the parents are somewhat overprotective. Let her experience some glamorous “high life” and I bet her social ineptatudes really aren’t that great. But if this girl and your daughter have been friends for a while then she probably knows about her abilities. You might feel more comfortable speaking to the parents and being sure they are aware but overall, people are people and except for perhaps a fancy restaurant or two there’s not much difference in what they will be doing publicly because they have money.</p>
<p>Finally, as others have suggested, what does you daughter really want to do? Perhaps you should discuss that with her before her friend visits this weekend.</p>
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<p>Two. But then Rachel Maddow was hired by MSNBC… so I quit bothering with the radio. ;)</p>
<p>ek.
My kids might tell me about an offer like this to get my opinion on good points/bad pts of going. They would be shocked/surprised if I acted as if I should have any weight in their decision to go or not. They are just too old for me to expect to have any part of this decision. They would not be seeking permission to go. They would make sure it didn’t interfere with family plans first though or financially impact the family in any way.</p>
<p>They have the money and believe your d to be a great investment in their family vacation. 
You owe them nothing. She owes them a thank you card at the end of the trip. Nothing more.</p>
<p>I posted once about similar situation, except it was with a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. My response would still be the same, I would offer to pay for the airfare, and ask your daughter to pay you back. There is never a free meal and there is never a one way street. </p>
<p>It is normal and customary to pay for someone’s room and board when he/she comes to vist, but you wouldn’t pay for the person’s transportation. If your D’s friend had invited your daughter to their home for a weekend, you wouldn’t expect your daughter to pay for food while she is guest. But you would drive your daughter to their house. In this case the location happens to be in HI.</p>
<p>D1’s friend in high school invited her to spend a summer in Italy with her family. The friend’s family had a private plane, so it wouldn’t have cost extra to have D1 on board. The parents wanted D1 along because they were going to go away quite a bit, and they didn’t want to leave their D alone. D1 was very excited, especially about the private plane part. I declined the invitation. I explained to D1 that we wouldn’t be able to reciprocate, and I didn’t raise her to be someone’s playmate. </p>
<p>There is very delicate balance between friends. You can’t always be the taker or giver.</p>
<p>Oldfort, EK’s kid is not in high school – she is a 20 year old who happens to be home for the summer. But I really don’t think it would be appropriate for the parent to step in and put the kid on the spot with an offer to pay coupled with a request for repayment. The whole “pay” thing is no longer a parental responsibility at this age.</p>
<p>That being said I did not view invitations extended to my kids when they were younger in the same way as you did, in any case. Several times I invited friends of my daughter to accompany us on local travel (places we got to by car, staying in a hotel room). Around age 13-15, my d. was much happier to have a friend along – and I NEVER expected any sort of financial contribution from the friend or their parents, and would have turned them down if it was offered. An invitation is just that: the inviter is offering to pay – whether I am inviting a kid to accompany us on a trip, or out to dinner, or to a movie. </p>
<p>There have also been pay-your-own-way invitations as well – both those that we extended and those that we accepted – but that was made pretty clear in the way the invitation was phrased.</p>
<p>I only said parents offer to pay because I am assuming her daughter may not have the money initially. My 21 year old at this point would know not to accept an offer like that without some sort of ability to pay for part of the trip. </p>
<p>We are living in Mexico City now. D1 already said that she would like to invite few friends down over the fall break. I would pay for their room, food and probably all expenses whilew they are staying with us, but I think it would be awkward on all sides for us to pay for their airfares.</p>
<p>My take? Your daughter is an adult now, and can (and should) decide for herself whether she wants to accept this invitation. You can voice your concerns, but the choice is not up to you.</p>
<p>Oldfort - I disagree with you so totally! We often have access to a private plane and, yes, it costs nothing more to take more people so we invite either our friends or our kids friends or some combination. We consider ourselves incredibly fortunate with our financial situation and we would be horrified if someone wouldn’t come because there’s “no free lunch” or however you put it. We’ve had people respond with something as simple as a handwritten, snail-mailed thank you note (a rare but much appreciated gesture these days!) or their purchase of a few meals while we’re there or a dinner after we are back home. We ask for nothing in return, just that they enjoy whatever it is we are doing. </p>
<p>Wow, some of our best vacations and experiences would be missing if our friends thought like you.</p>
<p>Re post #32 – But if you can’t pay airfares, then your daughter would say so with the invitation. It’s just a matter of how the invitation is phrased – something along the lines of, “My parents live in Mexico City. If you can come to visit, we would love to have you stay as a guest in our homes!”</p>
<p>No one is saying that you have to pay the airfares for your guest – just that it’s perfectly appropriate to accept an invitation when it is extended. Again, for many families, it’s no big deal.</p>
<p>Never one time, in all of the times we have invited friends to come along with D’s on vacations, have we ever considered whether there would be reciprocation, or what that would be. It never meant a thing to us, except to have fun and to enjoy ourselves.</p>
<p>Interestingly, since D began college, she has had some really great invitations to go to some great family destinations. She has said yes to some, no to others, and invited some people to one of our places for later in the year, and none of this has even been run by us except to say, “Is there anything you were planning for X weekend?”</p>
<p>But, to each his own. I would not want someone to come along if it felt like they were going to have to do some drastic hard work to “keep it even.” I’d rather they just say no thank you and move on.</p>
<p>A friend of sons recently accepted an invitation to join us on vacation, and it might have been the best time we’ve ever ad on vacation with son. We have not been able to keep up with son since he learned to walk, and having somebody along that could was priceless!</p>
<p>We all have our value system. I don’t like to be uncomfortable just as much as I don’t like to make other people feel uncomfortable. We all know when things are lopsided, as in the poor cousin syndrome. Even if the generous party doesn’t care because it’s no big deal to them, your kid would still know and feel it. I am in no way discouraging anyone from being friends with people who are more well off than you, but you could have just as good of a friendship by going out to have pizza vs having a dinner in Paris.</p>
<p>There is an art of giving. Just because you could afford to give it doesn’t mean it should be given. When it comes to your kids friends (especially BF or GF) one needs to take the other person’s pride into consideration. </p>
<p>We offered to take D1’s BF to Europe with us. His airfare was only around 600. We could have easily paid for it, but we didn’t. We sat in the front and they sat in the back(I could have upgraded my kids if BF wasn’t with us). Once we got to Europe we paid for everything. In d1’ eye her BF paid for his trip. The BF also got a very nice trip without feeling too obligated to us or to D1. I asked d1 if her BF could afford the airfare before we extended the invitation.</p>
<p>I think that an important thing we can teach our kids is how to accept a gift graciously and in the spirit in which it is offered, regardless of what the gift is. True friendships should not have a dollar value placed on them.</p>
<p>True friendships should not have a dollar value placed on them.</p>
<p>Which is why money shouldn’t be a point of contention- friends shouldn’t feel like they are being bought.</p>