DS home for summer. How do I give him space?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Oldest is home for the summer. He’s doing an internship and looking for a paying job too. I heard that he expressed to a friend that “Mom is being overbearing. She needs to know what I’m doing all the time. I’m ready to leave again already.”</p>

<p>I know I need to give him space. But as his internship doesn’t take up a lot of time, it drives me crazy to see him lying around surfing the web or generally doing nothing most of the time. He needs to find a paying job.</p>

<p>But I need to figure out a way to try and NOT micro manage him. Any suggestions on how to mentally detach yourself in these situations and let them live their lives?? It’s hard for me.</p>

2

<p>Pitch a tent in the backyard. Not even joking.</p>

3

<p>Oh, and charge $7 for laundry per load, and another $7 for dinner. And 2$ a day for wireless internet. $5 dollars a month for parking.</p>

<p>Because Freedom Isn’t Free.</p>

4

<p>Ask yourself this question: if an adult relative–say, your brother–were to ask to stay in your home for the summer, what would your expectations be? What sort of house rules would you expect him to obey? It might not be exactly the same for your (now adult) child, but it might give you some ideas. For example, you shouldn’t expect him to tell you exactly where he’s going when he goes out, although you might reasonable ask him to tell you if he’s going to be back later than midnight, or if he’s going to spend the night elsewhere.</p>

5

<p>Set up a list of your requirements while he lives with you over the summer.
Keep it short and simple such as:</p>

<p>–must do your own laundry
–must tell me if you’re spending the night somewhere else
–must earn your own spending money
–no drugs in the house
–if you’re not here when dinner is served, you’re on your own for food</p>

<p>Decide on your list. Then, try your hardest to bite your tongue and ignore the stuff not on the list (like the messy room, staying out late, not being home for dinner, etc.).</p>

6

<p>A few simple rules:</p>

<p>Let me know if I should plan on you for dinner.</p>

<p>Leave an extra car key in the drawer (our driveway is narrow so we often have to shuffle cars around - if you don’t leave a key, we will wake you to move your car so we can get to work).</p>

<p>Please walk the dog if she needs to go out. Again.</p>

<p>Don’t leave your stuff all over the house.</p>

<p>I find that offering my adult children a glass of wine with dinner (if we’re having wine with the meal) goes a long way towards communicating that I see them as adults.</p>

7

<p>You know–this is a really useful thread. I know there have been a kajillion similar ones, and you’d think I’d have figured it out by now (oldest just graduated college but is home; middle just finished freshman year; youngest is still in hs but attempting to assert independence at every turn). I like the “visiting adult relative” concept. I also like the short list concept. </p>

<p>I think the title to the thread sets a really good tone–not “What kind of rules should I set?” but “How can I give him space?”</p>

<p>(FWIW–I’m not sure I have any better suggestions. One rule I’ve had has been if you’re not coming home, send me a text so I have it when I wake up. Still trying to figure out the whole dinner thing–am I the only one whose kids honestly don’t know if they’ll be home for dinner or not until, like, after what I would consider a normal dinner time?)</p>

8

<p>I swear, there’s no “look”.</p>

<p>This may not be entirely a matter of your being “overbearing” but of your S’s perception of things. D swears I give her a “look” if she stays out late or something. There is no look. Really. But she claims she sees one. Her perceptions have to change. </p>

<p>Otherwise, second the short list. People living in my house have to contribute. I am home all summer (let your S know just how much WORSE it could be for him, lol), so the list is pretty short and includes courtesy things. And cleaning the bathroom.</p>

9

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</p>

<p>Unfortunately, if a given parent or worse yet, a spouse is the type of person who prefers always being superbusy and expects others to be the same way…the mentality above could continue even after a given child/SO is gainfully employed, owns his/her home outright, and has a different preference on how to spend his/her downtime.</p>

<p>Saw this dozens of times with need to be superbusy parents vs more laid back adult children well into their 50’s and need to be superbusy spouse vs more laid back SO. </p>

<p>Recalled an instance when an older cousin who already owned his own place and wanted to relax one weekend after a hard 70+ hour workweek strongly rebuffed his mother’s scolding about how he needs to be active on the weekends. She didn’t appreciate it when I agreed with him and felt she needed to chill out. </p>

<p>Ironic considering I tend to lean more towards the “always on the go” type juggling multiple activities…except I realized quickly that 1. Not everyone shares that trait. 2. Such traits may not always be appropriate given time/place/situation. 3. Imposing one’s own “always-on-the-go” personality too strongly is extremely alienating to most. </p>

<p>I’ve also seen the same issue strain romantic relationships/marriages…especially when the “always-on-the-go” type spouse doesn’t seem to understand that not everyone shares the same personality or more importantly…appreciate having it imposed on him/her. Knew some formerly married couples who divorced partly on account of this personality difference…and it was almost always the “always-on-the-go” type who was most unwilling to compromise by chilling a bit in regards to expecting the same trait from others…especially his/her spouse. </p>

<p>The “need to be superbusy” types tend to view those who don’t share their need to be in constant motion with annoyance which tends to stress everyone else out in the house…especially those who don’t share that “always on the go” personality trait.</p>

10

<p>Wallpaper the entire house.</p>

11

<ol>
<li><p>Have them put their stuff in their own room ASAP. Do not open the door to peak all summer. This also works for their bathroom, if you don’t have to share it.</p></li>
<li><p>Learn to recognize the shoes in the front hall. I can tell who’s home by the shoes. I can also recognize their friends’ shoes.</p></li>
<li><p>If they have ANY job, or unpaid internship or are taking a class, or are volunteering or are studying for the GRE or LSAT or MCAT or are otherwise positively occupied in some way, leave them alone about laying around the house!</p></li>
<li><p>Be glad they are home, for goodness sake! Very, very soon they’ll graduate. Eventually they will get a job, move out, and maybe move far away. Do you really want to remember, or want them to remember, one of their last summers at home one of being nagged at to do laundry, or dishes, or clean the bathroom? </p></li>
<li><p>On the other hand, if you wish for a kid free house NEXT summer, a good dose of irritated nagging is one way to encourage them to find summer employment in a different town…</p></li>
<li><p>Relax, enjoy, breathe. Is a spotlessly clean house all that important? Why?</p></li>
<li><p>Reread “The Horse Whisperer”. Those techniques also apply to humans of all ages who are trying to assert their independence. Turn away a bit, and give them a chance to move towards you. If you wrestle them into submission they will run.</p></li>
<li><p>You can be right, or you can be happy.</p></li>
</ol>

12

<p>My son’s friends are the kings of last minute planning, so I generally text him when I start cooking. My list is similar to nysmile’s except I’ll do laundry if it gets brought down and taken back up when done and it has to be done on my schedule, so if he doesn’t bring it down the day I’m doing it, he has to do it himself.</p>

<p>My main gripe is shoes and coats lying around the living room.</p>

13

<p>Why do YOU have to give HIM space? It’s your freakin house! If he isn’t working or doing something productive (volunteering or helping you do things like mowing the yard) then you have every right, nay duty, to nag, nag, nag. Everybody has to pull their weight.</p>

14

<p>I have no probably not tiptoeng around expectations</p>

<p>If they are at grocery store, ask me if I need anything, I ask them</p>

<p>If they are going out give me a ballpark of time home, other adults in house all do, so they should as well</p>

<p>All dishes at least in dishwasher and empty dishwasher when done if they are around</p>

<p>Clean bathroom, shared or not</p>

<p>Bedroom, don’t care about just no empties or dirty plates because of ants</p>

<p>No lazing all over sofa, we are up in this house at reasonable hours, unless they would be working at night, no sleeping till noon, if they have that mich time, they can volunteer, walk the dogs, wash the cars, go take a walk, go to a museum, sew, take pictures, but sitting around day after day is not happening, and it’s been that way since they were little. Reading is of course fine, or writing, but web surfing, face booking, after the first week isn’t gonna happen, don’t care. </p>

<p>We actually broke open the wall between the two girls bedroom so when they are home its more a suite and better when friends visit, so I’m not a tyrant. </p>

<p>After 830am, noise levels are normal, after midnight, they need to use inside volumes</p>

<p>We all work and are busy in this house, and after a week of culling, they need to be doing something</p>

<p>They are adults, and can contribute. They can do laundry, i am not their servant for heavens sake.</p>

<p>I hate this well I am an adult in college and can do what i want but not adult enough to realize I should do laundry, dishes, vacuum, walk the dogs in my own home. Ifnyu have to nag them they are still immature children who deserve to have fewer rights. </p>

<p>So when mine are home, they treat our home like their home, and have fun, are respectful, don’t just do nothing useful, and we have a great time.</p>

15

<p>Chilling Not culling stupid ipad</p>

16

<p>Good advice, eastcoas. I’m actually more in Walker’s camp (Walker, Kentucky Ranger).</p>

<p>You’re all a bunch of softies.</p>

17

<p>Polar, lol</p>

18

<p>

</p>

<p>You may have a right…but it usually isn’t the most productive way to motivate others properly to do what needs to be done. </p>

<p>I’ve seen parents who loudly proclaimed my house/my rules to their young adult children during college permanently rupture their relations*…and then wonder why they kids won’t visit with family…or them being welcome to visit their kids and grandchildren some years later. </p>

<p>I’ve also seen parents disregard the “my house/my rules” bit when they try to meddle in how their adult kids who own their own homes outright without any parental help live their lives in those very homes. In that type of situation…it is the parents who are encroaching on the “my house/my rules” bit. :(</p>

<ul>
<li>An extreme case on a variant of this theme was a former supervisor/older friend’s former colleague whose father used “my money/my rules” to force his son to only apply/enroll at Princeton or else he was to be completely disinherited. Son dutifully complied…but once he bided his time, got his college degree, and the inherited trust was under his full control during his late '20s, he ceased any further contact with his father because of those attitudes.</li>
</ul>

19

<p>It’s tough. I get used to routine. For me it was different when they were 19-20 and coming home. Mine only came home after freshman year. No alcohol. No pot. Be home by 1 AM. Resume the chores they did when they were in high school (clear the table, help with the laundry, no hats at the dinner table, start the dishwasher, pick up after themselves, don’t drive the cars down to empty without putting gas in and most importantly…put the toilet seats DOWN.)</p>

20

<p>It’s also a matter of mutual respect. I read an article recently by a mother who went to visit her adult child in his apartment…and had little concept of boundaries. She expected to sleep in the child’s bed etc and was surprised to be put in the “guest bed” (which turned out to be the pullout sofa, etc etc. She left with a new appreciation of how the relationship had changed…which makes me wonder how much “space” she gave her son when he came home to visit.</p>