<p>“But I need to figure out a way to try and NOT micro manage him. Any suggestions on how to mentally detach yourself in these situations and let them live their lives??”</p>
<p>I don’t think most of the posters are answering your question. Most of the advice seems to be how to manage him (to a lesser or greater degree). I have to tell you that I have had occasion of both of my children come home at one time or another. They were a delight. We had NO rules for either of them. None. Zero. Nada. We were thankful to have them home. They were thoughtful, respectful, and great to have around. One of them was a great cook. (I don’t set rules for my wife either - who is NOT a good cook, so I do all the cooking - and she doesn’t set them for me.) We talk, and figure out what works, and move on.</p>
<p>Life is short. Enjoy! Find something else to keep yourself busy. Set up special times so you can appreciate him as an adult.</p>
<p>mini’s post is good. Let him be. Ignore him. Out of sight, out of mind. He does his own laundry and keeps his things out of the way and there’s no problem. His bedroom and bathroom are his responsibility- no matter how grungy they get. Lose control thoughts. Especially now he is still recuperating from the school year. Allow him the last vestiges of childhood freedoms. This might be his last summer at home- who knows what next summer will bring. </p>
<p>It is an adjustment to have your household disrupted, especially when it means more dishes and disappearing food (I once thought there was enough milk for the morning at 10 pm- it disappeared at midnight). Not every child will be likemini’s- mine was rude, thoughtless, disrespectful etc.- just like in HS. It is good to have certain ground rules, just as for any other long term guest. Knowing if you should prepare enough food, be able to get your car out and other things mentioned. You have to ignore his seeming lack of industriousness. Also don’t try to do things for him routinely- his problem if he gets “clean” boxers from his dirty laundry pile (my H has said after so many days things are clean again, sigh) when he didn’t do it.</p>
<p>I understand your frustration. It was mine as well. You will survive. Do ask him to join you when you want to- dinner, any activities. Do offer to buy things if he happens to be around when you are leaving for the store.</p>
<p>How about asking him how he would like to handle it? Does he want to be left alone (like a guest in the house)? Does he want to be a family member contributing to the household? When our DDs were/are home for summer we treated them like grown family members - they had some expectations but we also knew they had work schedules, etc. Now that DD1 is home and graduated more coordination is needed for her desires. Of course, if your child REALLY wants to be left alone you can treat him as a visitor and charge him room and board.</p>
<p>Our expectations. Dinner? yes or no. A text is fine. Let me know where you are, general neighborood/town is fine. One night a week D is expected to spend with H doing something H likes to do. One night/afternoon a week spent with 12yo sis. That is it. He is expected to swap cleaning of shared bathroom with his lil sis. He is expected to do own laundry. And last he is to knock on our bedroom door and let us know when he is home. H used to stay up, but S is now getting in too late for that. I don’t have an issue with that so long as he gets up in time (7am) for work M-F, which he does.</p>
<p>Just a few “rules” for my college kids who want to stay at my house during the summer–Have some gainful occupation (working, internship, studying, looking for work, etc.) If you’re home when dinner is being served, show up and eat with family. Go to church, pray with family. Do your own laundry. Help with housework/yardwork without being asked, or without backtalk when asked. No bad examples to younger siblings. No alcohol, no overnight guests of the opposite sex. You can use our cars, but tell us where you’re going and when you’ll return. Keep your cellphone on.
If out of college, pay room/board. Stay elsewhere if you don’t like these rules, no hard feelings. (Kids had very few problems with these “rules”–they would generally follow most of them without being told. S did stay elsewhere one summer and it was great for all of us.)</p>
<p>I think your kid is just griping about the “change.” It’s your house. He needs to be reminded of his manners. It is not up to you to “give him space.” He needs to apologize for invading yours!</p>
<p>Unemployed kids at our house get to do the majority of grocery shopping and dinner prep. The menus were skewed a bit too much toward pot pies and pizza, but they also did a lot of BBQ and some recipe cooking.</p>
<p>The sad thing is I know way deep down I still haven’t gotten over the fact that at this point my kids enjoy hanging out with their friends more than their mommy. I love my kids’ company and after all these years I am still just the tiniest bit tweaked about it. And before I get jumped on, I know this is all part of letting go. I do think back to when I was their age–I’d come home from school and could not <em>wait</em> to get out with my friends. I’m sure I did not give hanging out with my family much thought at all. But aren’t we the cool, fun parents–the ones our kids want nothing more than to spend time with? ;)</p>
<p>Our house sounds a lot like Colorado-mom’s house. If you aren’t working, you are responsible for housework. The kids couldn’t afford not to work in the summers because they pay a good portion of their schooling costs.</p>
<p>As for the social side of things. They need to tell me when they expect to be home so I know when to start worrying or if they are not planning on being home, so I know to lock up or not. I am not your maid, you know how to do laundry, clean your room, clean your bathroom, etc. If you are around at meal time, great, but don’t expect me to make another meal for you after that…</p>
<p>I’d agree with that “She who doesn’t work this summer does the housework” - except that’s me! D1 (the college kid) has classes and jobs (yes, plural for both). D2 (the high school kid) has a job and a sport. Dang. I’m screwed.</p>
<p>Wow. Best gift you can give your son is an understanding of how to be a good house-guest. That includes being responsible for their own room, bathroom, laundry, breakfast and lunch, RSVP’ing for dinner, no unvetted houseguests, and polite cooperation at all times. Also includes taking on some housekeeping chores, whether dishwasher duty, vacuuming, washing cars/pumping gas, lawn care, and/or pet duty.</p>
<p>“Give him space”? If he needs “space”, ie. a responsibility-free house-squatting stay, then invite him to stay elsewhere. A “sense of responsibility” is a wonderful gift too.</p>
<p>Of course he needs “space,” just as any other adult needs “space.” What you are looking for is balance. To do this, you have to step back and realize that the relationship has changed.</p>
<p>OP,
Take it easy, leave the kid alone. I do not know any other approach. If he find job, cood for him, however, it may not be possible. Be happy that you are able to provide a nice place for your kid to relax in a summer, not all of them have it, you should be proud of yourself, not sure how you even have time to abserve what he is doing every waking moment. You do have your own life/every day routine, correct?<br>
However, there are certain rules, they like it or not. My rule has been that I need to know when kid is coming home, if it is 12 midnight or 2am or she is sticking at home for whole day. The same rule applies to all memebers of family who are currently at home, we should let each other know where we are and when we plan to arrive. I try to follow this rule myself. I do not have other rules for adults. Grandkids have more rules due to their age.</p>
<p>re post # 26. Wow- demote him to young childhood- REQUIRED church and prayer?!! You can’t make him be a believer- you should let him follow his conscience, if he still goes with the family religion, fine. Otherwise you are asking far too much- does he go through the motions or be allowed to be himself? I guess that’s a sure way to make sure an adult child doesn’t stick around.</p>
<p>It is a common courtesy to let people you live with know when you will be there, no need for details.</p>
<p>wis–Our college/adult kids willingly attend church/say evening prayers with the family. It is part of our culture and family tradition and they have no problem with it. They go/went to religious colleges, and attend/attended church at college, too. Adults in our family practice religion, so it is not seen as “demoting to early childhood,” or any sort of punishment. It is what we expect in our house, and if they disagree–or for any other reason, job, travel, etc.–they are free to stay elsewhere in the summer. </p>
<p>I do think it is OK for parents to make certain requirements–attend church, mow the lawn, wash dishes, etc. Even if the kid doesn’t want to, he/she does it out of respect for parents.</p>
<p>If he leaves stuff laying around, put it all in a box in the garage. Do not fold, sort or otherwise keep it orderly. If he asks about it, tell him where it is
important otherwise say nothing. Don’t discuss it. He will respond according to his desire to keep his sufficient nice/accessible. I wouldn’t do his laundry. Okay, I probably would but I am not sure its a good idea. Need to wean him from the idea that you are his maid. Make your own dinner and don’t say anything. If he asks, just tell him you didn’t know his plans, but to let you know next time he wants to be included. Say it sweetly and quickly change the subject. Act happy and don’t argue. That way you are totally off his back, but you are not his maid or cook. If he complains about stuff being thrown in the garage, sweetly say you thought he had discarded it. He will eventually take his stuff with him. But don’t argue. Just keep doing it. Sounds like he is objecting to going backward in terms of supervision while not yet going forward in other areas like pounding the pavement for a job. Has a timefrsme been discussed for getting a jib? What is the required student contribution?</p>
<p>I’m with Hunt (post #30). I don’t want anyone telling me what I should be doing with my free time, so why would I tell my adult children what to do with theirs? If I need their help, I ask for it.</p>
<p>The comment was about REQUIRING your adult child to do activites, regardless of what they are. Be happy he chooses to continue your beliefs but don’t assume he needs to (after all, at some point in the past most of us had ancestors who rejected their parents’ beliefs). You are no longer the parent of a minor child, you have successfully raised a child to be an independent adult.</p>
<p>College students are typically caught in a bind- they are legally adults but financially dependent on parents. Learning expectations as long term house guests recognizes their adulthood and responsibilites that come with being part of a household. It can be a confusing time for both parents and children as they navigate changing roles. Part of it is letting go, not “micromanaging” or knowing regardless of how curious you are. It is awkward to have a stranger in your house- your college child has become one in some ways with different habits, used to being unaccountable to anyone else and not used to having anyone care as much.</p>