<p>I am looking for constructive advice and I already feel bad enough, so . . . please take it easy on me. If you want to tell me I’m a terrible person, please save it. I’ve already told myself that, but I still feel the way I do. :/</p>
<p>My daughter is coming home tonight. She graduated from college earlier this year. She has a great job halfway across the country. She started dating someone at work (against my advice) a few months ago. They had to go to HR to sign something because of this. I think it is a mistake to date anyone from work at this point in her career, as she is part of a group who is on an accelerated track. Why would you take a chance at complicating things?</p>
<p>In addition to thinking it is a mistake to date someone from work, I think it bothers me because he is not on the same career path as she is. He picked his college so that he could play a sport. He received offers from better colleges, but knew he would not be a starter, so he turned them down. To me, this shows his priorities–athletics over academics. I asked her if he was cute, and she said he was “not really attractive.” I figure there must be another reason she is attracted to him, and I think it must be that he is a nice person; she works so many hours that she has had little chance to socialize and I’m sure she is lonely. </p>
<p>So, my daughter is dating someone that I feel is not really good enough for her. Yes, I feel terrible!!! I know they are just dating, but dating can lead to a future. </p>
<p>Have you ever experienced this? How did you deal with it? I want to have a great holiday with her, but I don’t think I can lie about how I feel. I know saying something would be wrong. It is HER decision to date whomever she chooses. My heart and my head are just not working together. Advice, please.</p>
<p>You’re upset because your daughter is able to look beyond physical qualities to date a nice person who is gainfully employed, and she’s smart enough to not try to hide the relationship at work but to be up front about it?</p>
<p>You haven’t even met the guy yet! I think this thread is a little early. Get back to us after you meet him. Also, I give her credit for going to HR. At least they are not breaking a work rule by dating. Most people would sneak around and risk getting outed and subsequently fired.</p>
<p>I wish I knew you better in order to answer this, but I think there is something else bothering you that you haven’t shared in your post. Perhaps your daughter has a track record of picking the wrong guy. But the fact that they work together, he may not be attractive, and he may not be on the same career path don’t seem like deal breakers to me. And this is all bothering you before you have even met him.</p>
<p>You will meet him tonight. Can you keep an open mind and get to know him before you judge him? I really think you’ll feel much better after you meet him. It seems strange to me to be this upset when in just a few hours you will know what you are dealing with. That’s why I think there is something else going on that maybe you haven’t figured out yet. And that’s why I wish I knew you better, because I could probably pinpoint for you.</p>
<p>Please be aware of your body language and tone of voice as you welcome him into your home. Don’t let him pick up any negative vibes. I’m sending you hugs and the strength get through the next few days.</p>
<p>It sounds like you think she is selling herself short, so it’s completely understandable that you have these concerns. I think it is okay to tell her how you feel - do it just the way you wrote it, and focus on how it may affect her job, and possibly, meeting other men who she may really like. You don’t have to say anything about his (perceived) shortcomings. You haven’t met him, so you can’t really say much anyway. I would use this opportunity to talk to her about what she is looking for in her career and in a relationship. That discussion may lead her to re-evaluate why she is seeing him, what she really wants. If this guy is simply someone to spend time with who will help her ease her way into another stage of life, then he’s a good guy for her right now. You need to discuss this…carefully…and feel out where she thinks it’s going, and you may find that she really wants your input. I agree that having to go to HR because of the nature of the relationship is awkward, but times have changed and I don’t know that it’s such a big deal. You’re her mom, so IMO, it’s your job to get her to think about what she’s doing now, and what she wants going forward. I have a feeling this will all be fine :)</p>
<p>You’re not a terrible person at all! You are a concerned mom.</p>
<p>I think you should learn more about him before jumping to a conclusion. Try to see him through your daughter’s eyes. Don’t criticize. Ask questions. </p>
<p>This will have two benefits. First, you might hear good things about him and change your mind. Second, it will show your daughter that you have an open mind. If you DO need to have a discussion with her about your reservations, she will be more open to listening because you listened to her. </p>
<p>A lot of people date co-workers. In this day and age, it’s not a terrible thing. I also think you should get to know him before judging. You may meet him and find that he is the nicest guy you have ever met and is totally compatible with your daughter.</p>
<p>I will respond from the other side of the equation here. My DS just broke up with a woman he dated for over a year. They are both college graduates and were both working and now are going to law school. Her parents decided for whatever reason that he “wasn’t good enough for her” and although they dated for a year they never met him. They all live in the same area and we live on the other side of the country. They met on the street when he saw her fall, realized she was very hurt and called an ambulance and took care of her. He flew her to meet us and we spent a delightful week getting to know her. Spent quite a bit of money taking her all over as she has never been on this coast. Her family had a lot to do with the breakup and they have very strained relations with her. </p>
<p>Wow. You know nothing about this young man and you have already decided. Way to alienate your daughter.</p>
<p>I think you’re selling your daughter short. Unless she has a history of picking terrible guys, then she probably has good judgment and there are valid reasons that she likes this guy - he’s nice, funny, caring, shares interests, etc. Trust your daughter. Anyway, if it’s not a good match, then it probably won’t last.</p>
<p>You can’t predict life trajectories. My fast track sib married a fast track guy from her class at uofM, they divorced and she married a ex-Div II football player who took the scholarship for two years and then quit and transferred to UofM who outearns her. People get places in life from different tracks…has no bearing on the future. Agree that you better get to know him before you pass judgement. </p>
<p>On a totally different tangent, these days it’s rare as hens teeth for a couple to be able to afford a SAHM fifties type situation, but if that’s what she choses or that’s what you are worried about again, not much you can do about it. These days the probability exists that if a couple can afford for a spouse to drop out of the work force it can just as easily be the guy. It’s also equally probable for women to outearn men. I’m a living example. I’ve know for fact that my family had major reservations about my H, less education etc. etc., and it did end up being him who took an early retirement and who ended up staying at home when the kids were teens and needed supervision because i out earned him in salary. I trod a path not too common but is becoming increasingly more common. I have not regretted it once and my parents adore my husband. He is a gem and was a true diamond in the rough and now that they are very much seniors living years past most he is there support system far more than I. Take a moment and really think about things…cross your bridges when you arrive not a mile before the bridge.</p>
<p>Picking the college he did showed where his priorities were WHEN HE WAS 18. It says nothing about his career priorities now that he has a degree and is in the real world. Many guys love sports growing up and for many it is a motivating factor to do well in school. Few get to continue past HS…he got to follow that dream. If once he got to college he got a degree that he was able to turn into a job, that’s a good thing. Get to know him more before you judge that he’s not good enough.</p>
<p>No one will ever be good enough for your D (or mine), but just keep that thought to yourself because this nice guy could turn out to be your future s-i-l.
So far my D has dated two guys that I wasn’t crazy about. I said nothing. She broke up with the first one, and the second one broke up with her. Each of them had many good qualities, though, and I could see how she was attracted by them.</p>
<p>I would be wary of saying too much about this to your D… you may just drive them closer together if you make her defend what she sees in him, it has a funny way of working out that way when other people get too open with their opinions. If they’re not good together, people have a way of working that out on their own.</p>
<p>I was your D once, and my mom breathed a deep sigh of relief when I broke up with the guy who turned out not to be a good match for me. But I am glad I dated him, we had fun and had I not had those experiences I would have completely screwed things up with the next guy who came around, who turned out to be “the one.” You never know how things will work out.</p>
<p>Hey, my mother married her boss, seven years after they met. It lasted thirty years. And he met and divorced wife #2 during those seven years, too. I married one of the two co-founders of the company I was working for (and he’s gone on to start three or four or five (depending on how you count) more companies since)–and I started dating him the week after I started working for the company. </p>
<p>The cool thing about dating someone you work with is that you have a ton of things in common. The bad thing about dating someone you work with is that, if you break up, you still have to learn to get along together. </p>
<p>I’m with the people who say “wait until you meet him before you make judgements.”</p>
<p>Unless an SO was really bad news-like criminal, abusive, a drug user, etc, it’s not up to me to tell my adult children ANYTHING about who they should and should not date. And looks would be the LEAST of any issue that could possibly come up. As to what “track” anyone is on-you never know what might happen.</p>
<p>My brother and SIL met at about the age of your D. SIL is from a wealthy family, has a good education, dad had a very high-power career, SIL was headed that way. My brother was a construction laborer at the time, my dad owned his own store but it was small, and at 21 was already losing his hair. Her parents were…less than thrilled.</p>
<p>They’ll have been married 29 years this March. SIL was injured badly just a few years into the marriage and has been a SAHM since. My brother runs his own successful construction company and has won awards for his work. One D graduated 2nd in her class in HS and has three degrees, the other was the youngest manager ever for the franchise she works for-as one of the only women in a male-oriented industry. Let’s just say that SIL’s parents have come around.</p>
<p>I tell this story because while we as parents have the right to worry and even interfere if there are real problems, we really need to let our ADULT kids forge their own way, or risk alienating them. Take a deep breath, talk to your D, but mostly LISTEN to her. It sounds like she has a very good head on her shoulders.</p>
<p>Just remember, this young man could someday be your son in law. If you keep that in mind, it should help guide you into seeing his strengths and not his weaknesses.</p>
<p>Honestly, you kind of lost me at “I think she likes him because he’s a nice guy.” Well, that doesn’t sound so wrong to me.</p>
<p>My D just announced her engagement to a man she works with; they started dating about a year after she started there. She went to a 'better" school than he did, if you read rankings. But who the heck cares? they have the same goals, the same interests, the same values. Neither of them are very “fast track” though D went to a fast track kind of school, and most of her friends are. But that’s just never been very important to us.</p>
<p>Hmmm, wasn’t there a story like this someone sometime wrote a long time ago? Oh yeah, uhhhhh, that guy Shake something? Ohhh some title like, hmmmmm, Romeo and J…J…something? I guess this sort of thing might have happened before…</p>
<p>Discalimer: I am not a parent, and I am probably a little bit older than your daughter (early to mid 20s).</p>
<p>Maybe they will break up OP. Who knows. Dating co workers in some places isn’t too big of a deal. I would venture to guess that since they are on different career paths it might even be better. Maybe you can let your daughter know why you think this is a bad idea. But letting her know once is enough. Also if they do get serious they might both resent this .</p>
<p>As someone who also moved far away for a job the boredom, being lonely does affect some people a lot. There may not be that much time or oppurtunity for her to meet people outside of work. Also if one of the reasons she likes him is because he is a nice person, that is not a bad reason. lol </p>
<p>I have a friend whose mother though that my friend’s now ex bf was not good enough for her because he didn’t have an impressive job( made $40,000 a year instead of $230,000 at 26, , was only a 8 in terms of looks and not a 10 etc. Well they broke up, and the mother had a lot to do with it. Now the daughter is dating someone who is underemployed, no intentions of looking for a better job or career, and living in his parents’ basement. The daughter isn’t THAT impressive either, but I suppose some people think the sun shines soley on their children. My friend’s mom wants her daughter to date some Investment banker with model looks, or maybe a ortho surgeon also with model looks etc. My friend makes pretty good money herself, doesn’t need to date up, and likes being the better looking one in a relationship , so I don’t think her mom will ever be happy with regards to that. I suppose it can get worse.</p>
<p>Why are you judging him before meeting him? And just because he picked a school so that he could play his sport doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care much about academics. The school may not have been ranked highly, but maybe the dept of his major was strong enough??? Many schools have very good depts even if the overall schools’ rankings aren’t high.</p>